[ whatever it is that the sentries jabbed into his neck, keith couldn't say. thoughts are impossible to hold onto, each one disappearing into the thick fog swallowing him whole. the stench of burning cloth makes him grimace one moment, only to be wiped clean by a fresh wave of panic from the thrusting appendage being set up between his legs. eyes squeezed shut, keith braces for the inevitable only to faintly remember that bracing is the last thing he ought to be doing if he doesn't want insertion to rip him open.
panic hits harder then, chest heaving with sharp, anxious breaths even before the commotion taking place not to far away. he cracks open one eye, too dizzy to track the movements properly but his head lulls, tongue slurring the word: ]
Shiwo...
[ as metal cleaves through metal, and something heavy crashes onto the stage floor. keith struggles in his binds, at least subconsciously recognizing that he can't leave shiro to fight alone, though his efforts don't get him anywhere. dilated, unfocused eyes follow a blurry figure lit up in purple approaching the rig, but where his eyes fail him, a familiar voice brings clarity to the rising bile in his throat.
i've got you.
keith opens his mouth, slurring heavily once more as he relaxes into the rig. perhaps he shouldn't because shiro was drugged at a point too. for all keith knows, his boyfriend could well decide to take advantage of the setup, but losing himself increasingly to the heat coursing through his veins, keith arches his back and widens the spread of his legs.
....to his detriment as it turns out.
searing heat rips up his calf as keith chokes back a sob and instinctively lifts his newly freed arms to cover the scar on his cheek. ]
Shiro, please...
[ delirious in his pleading, keith grits his teeth, his burned leg shaking uncontrollably within the bind. ]
Don't... don't do this to me again.
Edited 2023-07-12 00:49 (UTC)
i don't even remember what the compliment was at this point... should've capped it
[ the fuzziness doesn’t last much longer than that. in and out, up and down, his system is working through the drug’s effects; adrenaline zeroed the focus and made everything clear, only for it to lapse as he caught his breath, shaky hands releasing keith from his binds. it’s that lapse that gave room for that inattentive slip, but all it takes is that change in keith’s breathing. how can he be such a livewire of vigilance for keith’s wellbeing one second and such a dumbass the next? he hurt him. he actually hurt him.
shiro rips his hand away so fast, almost like he’s the one who's been burnt. he’s not, of course; quite the opposite, actually. his insides go cold instead, brittle and cracking from the immediate wave of guilt. ]
I’m sorry!
[ it hurts to even draw a breath, the vice-like grip of disdain for his own actions taking a physical toll on him. his heart, too. it feels fragile, like one wrong beat will crack it in two. ]
God, I’m sorry, Keith. I didn’t mean to, I…
[ he looks to keith’s face in the midst of those words, his own pained, but not nearly on the same level as keith’s. the rest of his apology catches in his throat and… – he doesn’t understand the depth of what he’s seeing or hearing. keith said again. don’t do this to him again. and there’s his hand on his cheek, touching the scar that’s been burned into his skin. from the war is the extent of what shiro’s ever gotten as an explanation. now though…
two pieces connect in mind and he understands a little differently, his next breath shaky with a fresh wave of anxiety and dread. this isn’t the time for an interrogation, though, especially when keith’s leg is shaking in the bind, body wrought with pain. ]
I’m sorry. [ how many times will he say it? ] I need… [ he grimaces, because that sounds wrong to say now. swallowing, shiro places his left hand on that shaking leg, trying to soothe it as much as still it. ] I need you to keep still. I’ll get you out. I’ll be more careful.
[ the puprle light goes out, but the burn of his leg persists, with only minimal adrenaline to dampen pain perception. weird, right? pinned on his back an energy blade searing his face, keith could barely register anything. everything was so thoroughly fucked up, not just with the paladins and lotor, but between hima dn shiro, too. it'd been like teetering at a chasm at the end of the universe, staring down the loss of everything and everyone he'd ever cared about, all of it reflected in the eyes of the one person he loves more than anything.
whatever drug got pumped into him softens the razor-sharp edges of the memory, but that means total disembodiment. dissociation. keith drifts in and out, caught between something terrifying and the tender way shiro brushes up and down his leg. he didn't cry then, and he is't going to cry now, but the partly stifled noise keith makes is miserable as he tries to do as told. ]
Okay.... okay... it's gonna be okay...
[ murmured, keith loses sight o what that's even supposed to mean, or who it's for. it's gonna be okay hadn't done anything to soothe an enraged clone back then, but... he's not even dealing with that now, right? the muscles in his legs tense with the effort of staying still, teeth grit like that might keep the fire lighting up his leg inside contained as well.
except there's one thing that slips through the cracks. one desperate attempt to know if things really are going to be okay. ]
[ is keith self-soothing? or is he trying to comfort shiro? it’s gonna be okay. is it? is it actually going to be okay? shiro’s naked, keith’s exposed, shiro’s humiliated, keith’s burned – the both of them together are traumatized, neither of who are fully in control of their own minds and bodies. they need to get out of here. they need time and space to regroup. they need –
love you.
it catches shiro off guard. shiro’s been spinning lies to himself for the past week that they weren’t themselves when they said those words. so much so that he almost has himself believing it. this is what happened last time, though. they were heavily influenced with some sort of drug. shiro isn’t nearly as compromised as he was that first time – or even what he was twenty minutes ago – but it happens anyway: his heart double-times on what has to be a flutter and then he’s slipping. slipping past reservations and self-denial, shiro stares down at keith for an extended beat of wonder and then…? he swallows hard to muzzle the guilt and breathes out: ]
Love you, too.
[ the potency of the drug is fading, has been fading, and so, it doesn’t take long for the second guessing to start. thankfully, it isn’t detrimental enough to distract him from his current task. refocusing on that helps in a number of ways, actually, to which shiro frowns and shakes his head, gaze back to keith’s leg. ]
We need to get out of here. Then we’ll talk. [ he reactivates his right hand. ] I’m going to cut it now. Stay still.
[ he is, indeed, very careful this time. as soon as he cuts through the two straps holding keith’s shins, he lets the power drain from his arm. he’s quicker now, in helping keith sit up and get off. he tugs his pants up for him because it’s faster and then – ]
Come on… I…
[ and that’s when he realizes he’s stark naked. or at least, that’s when he realizes he will remain as such, because where are his clothes? they aren’t anywhere on the stage. did the sentries take them? where would they store them? ]
Fuck, I dunno where… [ they need to get out of here, he tells himself again. keith’s safety is far more important and well – ] Doesn’t matter. I’m gonna get you somewhere safe.
[ wasting even more time isn’t an option, especially not to look for clothes. they’ve already lingered too long due to shiro’s blunder; more sentries are certain to come any second now. so shiro scoops keith up without another word, making the executive decision that keith’s burn prevents him from using that leg. logical? perhaps not, but shiro is committed, already jumping off the stage to start running. ]
[ the part of the script that keith is intimately familiar with is the balking that follows the i love you. everything else? not so much. the past informs the present, and a less impaired keith would realize telling shiro about the depth of his affection was never going to end well, clone or not.
but with drugs spinning his thoughts thorugh a blender, keith doesn't think. he waits, breath held tight in his throat, and gets back a simple love you, too that sits in his head, competing with the pain for what limited attention he has. vision still blurry, keith looks vacantly at shiro standing between his legs, unflinching even as that purple flickers back on, and attempts to smile through the mess of words that come after.
i don't know where
heh. it's only funny because keith doesn't know where either. or what he's talking about. but he understands that part about needing to go. shiro has to be safe, too, after all. not that he gets a chance to try and move himself. shiro scoops him up and though his limbs feel like lead weights, keith limply hangs on as shiro starts to run. where are they going? it doesn't matter. they're going wherever shiro thinks they should be.
and even if they never get there? ]
M'never giving up on you.
[ it's murmured sluggishly as shiro pushes through the small crowd that's gathered to take in other people's suffering on stage. the inmates don't attempt to stop them, and once they're outside, the sentries haven't regrouped just yet. it's a clear shot to the house they used to frequent, but throughout the frenzied running, keith isn't paying any mind. the one thought that's gripped his soul is to force more strength into the hand draped on shiro's shoulder.
even after they get through the door and shiro stops running to catch his breath, keith stays focused on that same thought. this is different, after all. shiro loves him back, so there won't be any falling from platforms or gradually widening voids where their friendship used to be. ]
[ the run to their old stomping grounds is uneventful. well, as uneventful as streaking can be. it’s uncomfortable, too. nothing quite like free-balling and struggling to keep focus as too many people focus on him racing by, a barely coherent bundle of preciousness secured in his arms. he tries his best to be as inconspicuous as he can given the circumstances; taking the long way around that has them off the main drag and entering from the back of the house. stupid, really, because they’re both wearing ankle monitors and all it’ll take is a bit of typing for those in charge to locate either one of them for further punishment.
this isn’t necessarily about not being found, though. it’s about buying time to clear their systems and to fortify their defenses, because yeah, when they do come for them, shiro will have an easier time picking them off when they have to come through an entrance shiro has the advantage on.
so up the stairs they go and then shiro’s turning into the master suite, a very familiar bed coming into view. it’s as shabby as ever, with its dusty, mostly ripped drapes at the four corners of those canopy pillars, but at least the mattress is soft, to which he makes use of by laying keith down on it. ]
Whatever they pumped you full of needs time to work itself out of your system. So you stay here and let it do that, okay?
[ of all the times shiro’s been to this house, he’s never rifled through the dressers or the closets. it used to be someone’s residence, though, so there is the possibility that he might find clothing that’ll fit him. slim, perhaps, but he can hope. ]
I’m gonna try to find some pants and then keep watch.
[ standing there beside the bed, he hesitates, and then bends down, gently laying his left palm over the top of keith’s head in what is meant to be a stabilizing, as well as comforting gesture. ]
Everything’s gonna be fine. I’m not giving up on you, either. I’m going to keep you safe, no matter what.
[ as keith is gently lowered into the old bed, he lets go under the assumption that shiro will be climbing in as well. turns out, keith is wholly mistaken about that, though the hand on his sweat-dampened face is enough solace to keep a whine at bay.
...at least until shiro makes the wholly rational point about leaving to go find himself some clothes and dignity. ]
Take my pants. S'too hot in here anyway.
[ fumbling to grab shiro's wrist, keith tugs his hand down his face, until his palm makes a comfortable cradle for his cheek. after an indulgent nuzzle, he wriggles, getting his feet planted on the mattresses to lift his hips up for shiro to strip off the prison-issued orange yoga pants. ]
[ the amount of perspiration keith is producing is worrisome. expected, maybe, because his body is fighting against the drug, but expected doesn’t make it any easier to watch. should shiro add that to his list of duties, too? to retrieve some bottles of water? toward the end of their anonymous days, he used to keep a small stash of electrolyte drinks here, often snagging one or two, depending on the duration and enthusiasm expended. he can’t remember if he cleared it out the last time they were here, dicking around with that thong challenge. he’ll have to check.
… in a minute, apparently. is that a legitimate suggestion?
dubiously, shiro shifts his gaze lower to those prison pants, thinking only of size differences in which keith is clearly more petite. but then keith makes the executive decision of not giving shiro any time to turn him down. that ass lifts and shiro is forced to reconsider his earlier assessment: okay, keith isn’t small everywhere. ]
I’ll find you something to drink in a minute. Don’t liquify into goo just yet.
[ then he moves to grasp keith’s pants, more so for the other boy’s comfort than any small possibility that they’ll fit him. for a moment, he almost forgets. his head is overstuffed with worry – the sweating, the sentries, the state of their relationship and how they’re going to navigate all of this in the aftermath – so he doesn’t have the mental capacity to focus on everything. meaning? he grabs at the hem before he comprehends.
but then he sees it. it’s fucking right there in the ruined char of keith’s pants. he hesitates, feeling sick at the mere sight. but then he pulls himself together and works the pants down, being sure to bunch the material as best he can to minimize the fabric snagging over the burn. eventually, he gets the pants off, but he doesn’t immediately go to force them on; he merely stands beside, holding them in both hands. ]
I’ll try to find something for the burn, too. [ he doubts he can miraculously find pain medicine or a healing salve of some kind. a cool compress is probably the best he can do; how pathetic. ]
[ keith heaves a loud sigh of relief as shiro pulls the ruined yoga pants down his legs., flattening his body against the worn mattress once he's undressed. eyes closed, keith's breathing still comes heavy as the drug runs wild in his system. the throbbing burn on his leg hasn't subsided, but the drug wants him to be relaxed, calm, and a little too sensitive to the minute sensations of the sheets as they rub against his sweaty skin. unthinking, keith widens the split of his legs, looking for relief, and whines when the burn rubs raw as he drags his calf. ]
Nnngh, no Shiro -- don't go.
[ he cracks open his eyes, fumbling with an outstretched arm to hold shiro's wrist. ]
We- we haven't been together like this in a while.
[ scrambled as his thoughts are, the truth underlying it feels unshakeable. they haven't been close in some time, have they? but why? someone else was always there, never allowing them the time to talk privately?
no.
i love you.
but then shiro said it back?
keith frowns, pushing aside the inertia of his thoughts to sit up. ]
[ so what is he meant to do? the sentries will come looking for them; probably already are. truthfully, it's a useless endeavor; they’re in prison, there is no permanent escape plan of getting out of punishment. there are only so many places to hide. his goal here, he thinks, is that he wants to buy time for the drugs to work through keith’s system. with a more coherent keith, perhaps they can negotiate their way into lesser punishments. it’s a long shot, but just about the only thing shiro can think of at the moment.
but keith doesn’t want him to go. he doesn’t want him to put on these pants, check the parameter, and go searching for water and bandages. so he asks himself again: what is he meant to do?
well, there’s one thing he knows he shouldn’t do: entertain this conversation that keith is starting. they need to have it, but not when keith is dazed and only partly aware of what is even happening. and yet – ]
I never should've shut you out.
[ the words come to him anyway and now there are too many building up to stop. ]
I thought… I didn't know how to handle what happened. I was – [ embarrassed, mostly; to be so wanton for something he's never craved before. ] – a coward.
[ the too small yoga pants are set down on the bed and once again, shiro crouches bedside. expression pained and voice guilty, shiro pushes back keith’s sweaty bangs. ]
I've been one for a long time.
[ he continues to be, really. because he’s steering the conversation in a certain way, focusing more on the physical, rather than the i love you and the plead to betray their own realities in order to stay together. ]
It was always going to be you to… fuck me. I wanted to choose the moment, but… well, compromised choice is the norm here. Stupid of me to expect anything different.
[ there's a weird thought right there, shiro is the last person in the universe that keith would have called a coward. his best friend is, after all, the person who always manages to defy the odds, no matter how insurmountable they seem. shiro is the guy who was thrown into a brutal alien gladiator arena, only to escape and become the leader of the team that will dismantle that same empire.
coward. yea, right. hilarious.
but keith can't seem to make his llungs work right to laugh. his breathing stays quick and shallow, eyes closing as shiro puts a cool hand on his forehead. it's difficult to focus, let alone think, but keith tries anyway, brow furrowing with the effort as he pushes the raw memory of burning skin farther away.
after all, here isn't an abandoned galra facility hidden in an asteroid realities away.here is a different kind of alien facility where compromised choice is the norm and -- ]
I should've known better.
[ and isn't that the story of his fucking life? whenever it comes to shiro. not just the shiro from his reality that keith had never realized had been replaced with a clone, but this shiro too. expression falling, keith turns his face away, voice thick with regret. ]
Shoulda known. You're the last person I ever wanna do anything to that you don't want and ) - this place made me take advantage of you anyway. I thought - I really thought you liked it, but it turns out I might've raped you, and I - maybe I really do deserve to be here.
YOU DONT SOUND ENTHUSED, which will only anger the brainlink
[ keith turns his face away and it's in that movement that a certain expectation for approach develops in shiro's head. his hand falls away, he won't force keith's face forward again, won't force him to look at him. he'll endure keith's weighted words and navigate through them with patience and gently provided reassurances. they'll get through this slowly and carefully, as the drugs lose their effectiveness. they'll make time for it. it'll be fine. shiro can do that. shiro can –
– I might've raped you –
it's akin to being slapped. that word. that god awful word. not just that, either, but that word in keith's voice, so guilty, so distressed, so self-loathing…
expectation changes and the plan is rewritten in an instant. the gentleness is gone from his voice, as well as his face. the steadiness of his patience breaks and then words are spilling out, every syllable firm with unquestionable certainty. ]
You did not rape me.
[ he fails in masking his frustration. it isn't wholly directed at keith. per usual, most of it is reserved for himself. he used to be better at this; at controlling his emotions and ensuring others saw only what he deemed acceptable to show. is it the lingering trace of drugs in his system that makes him sloppy? the anxiety fueled adrenaline of their situation? or is it simply because he lacks the restraint when it comes to keith? keith, who is both his strength and his weakness, the balance between the two so precarious that shiro is often fighting within himself, trying to find his own footing.
he shouldn't be surprised. that's what love does to a person.
clenching his jaw tight in the aftermath of spitting out that dirty word, shiro gnashes his teeth until they hurt and then, only then, is he able to bring himself back into check for a conscious calming of his voice. ]
I wanted you. [ not the entire truth, he tells himself. ] I want you still.
[ remember his plan to let keith look away and collect himself, as shiro slowly coaxes him into looking at him again? so much for that. shiro grasps keith by the chin and turns his face toward him, because as much as he wants to say it's for keith, the move is mostly for shiro. shiro needs the connection. he needs to erase those ill thoughts from keith's head and replace them with understanding and truth. as shiro should have done from the beginning. fuck, just… has keith been toiling over this idea of raping him for the entire week…?
remorse thickens his voice again, everything heavy and slow like molasses. not due to hesitation this time, but the weight of his own damnation. ]
You were so good to me, baby. So gentle, so caring… don't you dare think any part of it was… [ unwanted. unreciprocated. rape. ] – that. You'd never do something like that to me. [ his hand moves from his chin to his cheek, keeping keith turned toward him with a curl of his fingers and a caress of his thumb. ] Because you're good. So good to me.
[ here's the waver. just a moment of hesitation. even now, it's difficult for him to be wholly honest with himself, as he distances his own desires from that of responsibility. ultimately, it is responsibility that wins… but it's responsibility to keith, not to voltron and not to his own reality. ]
That's why I love you. I love you so much, baby… I meant it then and I mean it now. That hasn't changed.
[ the forcefulness of shiro's tone makes keith flinch, even as the words themselves ought to be reassuring. the way this messed up rison is run, it's clear that nobody gives a fuck about consent. even their first time when they were two strangers on opposite sides of a library bookshelf had arguably been a form of rape as well, even if they were likely both victims of circumstance. in that sense, their relationship has been steeped in choices that neither would have made if they were clear of mind. hell, perhaps they'd have never gtten together in the first place.
nothing trips keith over his own thoughts like that one does. for all that he hates the way reparacija operates, where would the best relationship of his life be without it? if they could be free tomorrow, but never see each other again, would he really be able to turn his back on this codemned hell hole? is itbad that doesn't have a fucking answer? and what does it say about him that when shiro forces him to hold eye contact that keith crumbles under the knowledge that he doesn't want shiro to leave him behind?
you were so good to me, so caring.... that's why i love you.
heart squeezing painfully tight, keith looks up at shiro with growing despondence. ]
But... but I'm not. I'm not good to you.
[ gingerly, keith wraps his fingers around shiro's wrist, holding on in silent desperation. ]
If I could, I'd keep you with me. Even if it means being stuck in this horrible place.
[ hell, even if it means falling from a platform to oblivion. ]
shhhh everything is fine. we get to have good food today
– but not when he’s on this side of it. self-deprecation and self-sacrifice are habitual things shiro is, unfortunately, well-versed in. of course he realizes that every time he distances himself from keith for one reason or another, it’s frustrating to keith. painful, too, but he’s always thought it to be a pain born from being denied what he wants in the moment. it hurts for another reason, though, huh? it actually hurts to sit here and listen, watch, feel keith closing in on himself with bitter words.
shiro has many regrets, some too traumatic to even begin to put into words, this here, though? this he can verbalize: he’s the one who is not good to keith. keith deserves better than someone who can’t get his thoughts and emotions in check. someone who can be open and honest from the beginning. someone who isn’t perpetually torn between love and obligation. someone who –
fuck, he’s doing it again.
if i could, i’d keep you with me.
as self-serving as it feels, like he’s the one getting the better end of the bargain, shiro banishes the temptation to talk himself down into a black hole of loathing, instead putting all of his focus back where it belongs: on keith. his smile is bittersweet, his expression never progressing further than what can only be deemed apologetic. his touch continues to be steady and sweet however, thumb scooting across his cheek again. ]
We can’t stay here, sweetheart.
[ punishment looms. they may not be able to escape being discovered for their latest acts, but they can’t keep doing this. they can’t settle for compromised autonomy and a small, secluded world. shiro’s drive to explore and experience the unknown may have darkened somewhat from what it used to be, but keith… fuck, shiro can’t stomach the thought of someone as beautiful and vibrant as this boy being locked up forever. keith is meant to soar, not to have his wings clipped so readily.
taking a breath, shiro forces his voice lighter, hope and encouragement coloring his next words. ]
But that doesn’t mean you can’t keep me.
[ another caress of his thumb and then he bows a little closer, voice softening as though sharing a secret. ]
… You promised, remember? I’m counting on you to help me figure this out… because I need you just as much.
[ shiro is certainly not wrong about that. no matter what keith feels, they can't stay here if only because shiro doesn't deserve to spend another day of his life wasting away in an alien prison. there may not be any death matches in a gladiator arena here, but just now they built a stage and shiro was right there, bound up like a sex toy for use by an ogling public. conditions at porn prison have deteriorated steadily, and the last thing keith wants for shiro is to be violated and used for entertainment in yet another fucking institution.
but even knowing all that, it's hard not to be selfish in his reflections of the aftermath. separated from his boyfriend by entire realities, forever haunted by the white-haired version of the shiro in his reality of all the things they could have been but never were.
shiro's hand is a warm constant on his face, and keith blinks slow through the rest of his words. leaving porn prison and keeping shiro has always been at odds with each other, if only because the end goal of escaping here is an inevitable return to their respective realities. or at least, it had always been one and the same because abandoning their realities had been utterly unthinkable.
up until now, that is. shiro comes closer and an impossibly heavy weight comes off keith's soul as the unthinkable is allowed, even briefly, to become thinkable. eyes widening, keith stares up, his grip inadvertently going slack on his boy's wrist. ]
... You really mean that? It's not something messed up in your system again?
ROFL it's so sad... i'm still laughing/crying over the chances of that happening
[ shiro is ashamed to admit that doesn't simply roll off his back. he's still getting tripped up in emotion. frustration, partly, due to bump after obstacle after inability for any of this to be easy. remorse, as always, for leading keith to doubt through his avoidance and subsequent neglect. patience yields focus, yada yada, that does keep him steady to a point, but he has to continually set himself back on track, telling himself, no, don’t wallow, don’t falter. it doesn’t matter if this isn’t smooth or easy; they’ll eventually get to a good place as long as shiro keeps talking.
… supposedly. it’s clear that the drugs are still potent in this boy’s system. is keith even capable of fully comprehending, as well as remembering all of this when he’s no longer compromised?
uncertain, but having no alternative, because he can’t simply stop now, shiro keeps his hand at keith’s face and lifts his other, gently pulling that loosened grip looser. ]
I really mean it.
[ he doesn’t look away from that wide-eyed stare, making sure that the meaning of those words hit their point and sink in. as for keith’s hand, shiro takes those slackened fingers and holds them, resting their combined hands over keith’s sternum. it’s a slight criss crossing of limbs, but shiro likes having all the points of contact, hoping that keith feels as grounded as he does in the moment. ]
[ with the artificial fog still thick in his head, keith smiles up at shiro, simply letting his boyfriend adjust the placement of their hands however he sees fit. for how complicated this all is, keith simply looks docile, easily comforted by the concept of being together.
but words are easy, actions are not. if shiro truly wants them to be together, then this past week of intangible distance shouldn't have happened. the contradiction picks and picks away at the back of keith's skull until doubt dims the warmth of his adoration. ]
But you were mad at me, right? For what I did to you?
[ rape, that is. the sole reason keith avoids using the ugly word again is down to the intensity of shiro's reaction the first time. ]
I... I don't know how to make things right, Shiro.
[ they’re going in circles. it’s not the first time he’s chastised himself for picking now, when keith is so obviously struggling to focus and process, to have this conversation. the timing is horrible… but that’s the usual with shiro, isn’t it? nothing can ever be easy between them and shiro has no one to blame but himself. wincing internally, shiro allows that one beat down on himself before he works himself free of it, slipping just enough in his steadfastness to sigh aloud.
they’ll talk about this again, he knows. once keith is clear-headed. once neither of them are stripped down in a horridly uncertain situation. and once they’re free of the overreaching danger of being discovered and subsequently punished. maybe then it won’t be such a battle for shiro to convince keith that his intentions are genuine. for now, though, he tries his best to settle keith just enough to put a crack in that doubt.
and the quickest way to do that? he leans down and takes a kiss from his mouth, resting solid and resting heavy, to make keith really feel the weight of everything shiro is feeling. no open mouth and no tongue, just a firm meeting of their lips as shiro holds and holds, breaking away after a few, long beats. ]
I’m not mad. [ wait. that’s not entirely true. ] Not at you.
[ better. he sighs again, still keeping all points of contact between them. ]
I’m mad that I’m an idiot when it comes to you.
[ he used to be so much better at this. oddly enough, he was better at managing their relationship when they hardly had one; back in the garrison days, when he was diligently working at gaining this disgruntled kid’s trust. now… sometimes shiro truly believes that everything that’s happened to him has damaged him beyond repair.
or maybe that’s a scapegoat. afterall, his track record for love isn’t stellar. can he honestly say that he was open and honest with adam in all aspects of their relationship, too? that he was always understanding and patient? for how readily available he makes himself to building people up when they need it, does he truly know how to love unconditionally? maybe not, he thinks… but he’s learning. he’s trying. he already loves this boy, he knows it, he feels it. he just… needs to love him better.
god, even in the privacy of his own head, that sounds stupid enough for him to be embarrassed by it. it’s true, though. keith is it for him and one day, shiro is going to make him believe it. ]
I know I haven’t given you enough reason to believe me, but try to, baby. I love you.
[ the press of shiro's lips on his is firm and lingering, and whatever drugs the sentries shot into keith's system make him feel it. no, more than feel it. yearn, in a head-empty, pliant way that makes keith part his lips to accept tongue or whatever else may be fed into his mouth. he barely processes the instinct before shiro pulls away, and keith blinks up slow, with an even slower but determined shake of his head as he fights off whatever is in his head wanting to be a receptacle for use.
shiro loves him -- that's what keith has to focus on. it still doesn't process quite right though, because the difference between the euphoria he'd felt that first time he heard shiro say those words and the misery he feels now may as well be a chasm. perhaps the issue is as simple as not knowing what it's like to truly feel loved by shiro. that first high was spun out of control by potpourri, and this low isn't free of chemical influence either.
expression crumpling, keith takes a deep stabilizing breath and recomposes. ]
And I love you.
[ a beat. ]
But I still did things to you that you didn't want and it made you change. Even if you still love me, it's different, isn't it? This place used me to hurt you and I'm not safe for you to be around.
and that is precisely why they can’t stay here. shiro thinks it, but he doesn’t say it. not again. they keep doing this; rounding back to the same arguments, seemingly arguing for the sake of it because neither of them can be swayed from their positions. once more, shiro wonders if this is how keith has felt every time shiro has talked himself down, too deep in his own self-reprimand that even the kindest words can’t pull him free.
perhaps it’s time for a refresher on that. ]
I'm not safe for you to be around, either.
[ and the most damning part about that? shiro can’t attribute all of it to this place as keith can. remember the simulator? remember half an hour ago? a lot of it has been the fault of this god awful place, that’s true, but shiro’s weapon of choice is very much attached to him. it will always be with him. and when he’s perpetually on a trigger with no certain idea of what will set him off on a panic attack… who’s to say he won’t go blind and deaf to reality again? what if he gets stuck in his head and he attacks keith again? what if, next time, he uses his arm as more than a threat?
and hell, even when he’s trying to help him, he still hurts him.
that is a lot of what ifs. he’s been afraid of what ifs for a long time, so often creating a cage for himself to measure and restrain his own wants and needs in order to maintain some illusion of control. he thought he could live that. he was committed to living like that, but…
keith. keith has been challenging him from the very beginning, coaxing him over and over to reevaluate what he’s deemed acceptable for himself. ]
I changed long before any of this… but you love me in spite of that.
[ again, he swipes his fingers along keith’s face, pushing hair aside and mapping, slowly, the shape of his temple to cheek to jaw. ]
I love you. The only thing about that that has changed is that I am in love with you. And now that I am, it will never change again.
Edited (i completely forgot his burned leg) 2023-12-24 00:36 (UTC)
[ to that, keith falls silent, brow furrowed in contemplation. a while ago, when keith was much younger he would have laughed at the idea that they're mutually destructive for each other. sure, keith was prone to doing things his way, but so was shiro, and either one of them would have dropped everything to help the other. having a support like that should be the antithesis of being bad for each other.
but life isn't so simple. after all, it isn't just in this messed up prison that keith's love of shiro has been warped to some other cruel end. it's back home, too, where keith being too blind to see the truth of what happened to his best friend has hurt him -- hurt them, perhaps irreparably. keith certainly has the scars to show for it.
and now what? because shiro cares -- loves him enough not to abandon him on a bondage rig to be displayed for public use, shiro has to suffer the consequences of destroying the sentries that keith couldn't finish off in the first place?
is love supposed to trap people in cycles of mutual pain and suffering? or is it simply something about keith that drags shiro down -- not just in his home reality, but every reality? the question hurts his head, compounding the dull throb at the base of his skull, and suddenly keith is more tired than he's ever felt in his life.
struggling through the disorientation of the drugs that want him lying flat and spread on the bed, keith slowly sits himself up and settles with his head pressed to the wall. ]
... and I love you. More than I could ever love anyone else in this whole universe.
[ the smile he manages is weak, and holds only for a beat before it falls away for something hollow. ]
But maybe..... maybe that's not such a good thing. If we keep hurting each other... [ he pauses, swallowing hard through the tightness in his throat. ] Maybe we're just not good for each other. I'm tired, Shiro. I'm so tired of messing things up with you. I- I just don't know what I'm doing anymore.
[ shiro miscalculated. that was not the right thing to say. he had a point, one that banked on keith’s trigger to vehemently argue against any slight made against shiro, even ones made by shiro himself. but keith is quiet. keith doesn’t get that hard-nosed, i-will-fight-you-for-being-so-stupid look to his face. neither does he make even the slightest sound of protest. he merely lies there, taking everything in with a patient kind of consideration that isn’t exactly foreign to his best friend, but often far and few between.
fuck.
eventually, keith begins to move. shiro is right there to help with gentle hands, his touch staying even as keith finds support against the wall. the pressure of his hands becomes even softer, sweeter when keith reaffirms what shiro already knows and already treasures. i love you. thumbs brush for a stroke and then backtrack for a caress, that small, semi-weak smile drawing a sunnier one from shiro himself, like he’s trying to encourage keith into gifting him a wider one.
maybe we’re just not good for each other.
the smile turns static and brittle, souring right off of his face as shock has lips parting and eyes widening. the caresses stop, too. abruptly, he lets go, hands hovering over their placements for an extended beat before shiro pulls them back toward himself. confusion takes over quickly, his expression turned lost and uncertain, brow furrowed so harshly that he develops deep lines.
what? that’s the one resounding thought that dominates his brain, everything in him searching for an answer, only to come up completely empty. how did it come to this so quickly? he can’t say the concept of them being better off not romantically involved is entirely out of left field, but from keith it is. keith is the one who fights so hard to keep them together, not just here, but back in their own realities. keith is the one who doesn’t know how to give up on them. keith is the one who is supposed to chase after shiro, not walk away from him.
fuck, that last one is a bit cruel, isn’t it? maybe shiro really is bad for keith if he can formulate such a selfish expectation. relationships are meant to be balanced. equal. can shiro honestly say he’s shown keith as much love, respect, and consideration that keith has shown him time and time again? ]
No. [ he can’t. but also, no, he isn’t going to let that be the summation of their relationship. shiro can change; he has changed. the time of walking away has long passed. they’re in too deep. shiro is in too deep. ] You are not giving up on us.
[ reaching across, he takes keith’s hands in his, squeezing with meaning. ]
We overcome everything thrown at us, because we're stronger together. I don't want… [ a slight pause, his expression hardening with determination. ] I refuse to give up on what we have. Life is made better by you being in it, by being able to love you, so please… [ he squeezes again, giving his captured hands a little shake. ] … don’t let this defeat us.
[ brute forcing himself upright into a seated position exhausts most of the strength in keith's limbs, leaving him to ragdoll slightly against the headboard and wall. he can't quite grip shiro's hands back, nor can he keep his arms still through the gentle shaking, but oddly enough his head feels a little clearer for the jostling.
maybe it has nothing to do with anything physical. it takes so little of shiro's distress for keith to be moved into action, even if he has no idea what the hell action he ought to take.]
I don't like this either, Shiro. In my wildest dreams, I never thought I'd become a paladin and help people across the universe live free. I never thought I'd get to meet my mom or - or meet so many other incredible people. But even with all that, you're the most important thing that's ever happened to me and I think no matter what happens, I'll always be yours.
[ keith huffs, managing yet another small smile as he gives their clasped hands a long look. ]
And the fact that I got to call you mine, even for a little while, feels like the most amazing thing I've ever done. Crazy, huh? Flying in a sentient lion at faster-than-light speed doesn't even come close to making me feel as good as getting to hold your hand or seeing your smile when I call you babe.
[ with his voice threatening to crack, krith closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. willing himself to stay level, he squeezes shiro's hands and keeps his voice soft and low. ]
...but deep down, I think you know I'm not good for you. I can't think straight when it comes to you, and it always leads to hurting you, even though that's the last thing I fucking want. That's why you kept your distance, right? To protect yourself? So just... keep doing it. I can't run. I can't fight. But you can. There's no reason that you should get caught and punished by the warden. Let me just take the fall.
it's been three years of hating that word. i continue to hate it.
[ push, pull, shiro wants to interrupt keith as much as he doesn’t. keith volunteers his vulnerabilities far more than shiro ever does, but it’s still such a precious privilege to be given a glimpse into the inner workings of keith’s mind, no, into his soul, that shiro has an automatic reaction to shut up and listen. the problem here, though, is that he hears the thing keith hasn’t said yet. but. there is going to be a but in the conclusion of this outpouring of affirmation and love, and shiro doesn’t want to reach that point.
but they do, because shiro can’t bring himself to shush keith. he’s a glutton for things like you’re the most important thing that’s ever happened to me and i’ll always be yours and i got to call you mine. got to? get to. the warning bells grow a little louder in the wake of that, but he still can’t stop him, simply sitting there as he waits for the other shoe to drop.
and it does.
funnily enough, keith has it wrong. i think you know i’m no good for you.funnily enough, shiro is one of the few who has never thought that. he’s been warned many times, though. the facility of a junior high years ago when he showed interest. the disciplinary office personnel when he vouched yet again. a certain commander of galaxy garrison when he started toeing the line of mentorship. a cadet speaking far too candidly when shiro began to fail at curbing his favoritism. a neglected fiancé when he returned from yet another hoverbike outing. even a few paladins have grumbled in the aftermath of a disagreement. but shiro? no. never. shiro has never been able to be convinced away from keith by anyone and he isn’t about to start listening about his apparent blindspot, even when the warnings come from keith directly.
it may have worked in the beginning of their captivity, when shiro was looking for support and reason to keep distance. see, he tried to stay away here at prison, not due to believing keith to be no good for him, but because he’s too good. too precious. too essential to shiro’s stability and happiness as a whole, that he’s been afraid to damage any part of their friendship.
but they’re beyond that now. if anything, parting now, under these circumstances, would ensure what shiro has tried to avoid: the destruction of their friendship.
that’s why you kept your distance, right? to protect yourself?
he’s begun shaking his head, slowly at first with a disbelief that keeps him unblinking and staring.
i can’t run. i can’t fight.
the shaking picks up.
let me just take the fall.
this absolute imbecile. shock stills his tongue, but horror shakes him loose, right onto a spike in exasperation that leaves him frustrated and panicked, two emotions that loosen his tongue. he’s one breath away from calling this idiot boy exactly that, but as impeccable timing goes, it’s at that precise moment that there’s a crash downstairs, followed by the unmistakable clatter of mechanical parts lugging around. it seems their time has run out. ]
Fuck. [ he squeezes hard at keith’s hands, momentarily defeated by their inevitable discovery and so, helplessly trying to siphon off as much strength as he can off of their connection. he composes himself as best he can and then shakes his head, drawing a breath before pulling his hands from keith’s to cup his face, encouraging him to look at him. ]
I am not abandoning you. [ it’s said firmly, nothing in his tone allowing for an argument. ] It’s you and me ‘til the end.
[ and then he steals a kiss. one, two, and suddenly, there’s a flash of light in the room. adrenaline has him ripping away from keith and standing up, turned and already poised for a fight when his gaze lands on – ]
Holy shit, am I glad to see you.
[ the space wolf is standing there, eyes swiveling from shiro to keith, and once there, they don’t stray again as the animal immediately clamors closer, nearly knocking shiro out of the way as he hops up on the bed. keith has told him time and time again that the space wolf is an intelligent being. admittedly, shiro has witnessed the intelligence himself, but here is the first time that he really sees how meticulous and understanding the animal is as he carefully moves around keith, sniffing and looking him over, as if cataloguing everything that is different about his friend. ]
He’s been drugged. We need to get him out of here. [ that doesn’t make the space wolf move any faster, not when those yellowed eyes are now on the burn of keith’s leg. shiro grimaces and then shrinks under the gaze that snaps up, settling on him. ] I know, I’m sorry… but please, you can take him somewhere safe.
[ in another time, another place, keith might've smiled at that affirmation. it’s you and me ‘til the end is awfully close to 'til death do us part. sealed with a kiss, it's almost like a wedding vow, but with the clamoring downstairs, it feels a lot more like the end of the line.
it isn't, of course, because reparacija by nature stands to benefit more from repeated violations of their bodies than it does their deaths, but the prospect of being strung up on that stage pumped full of mind-melting aphrodisiac to drown out the outrage of their abuse isn't much of a consolation.
shiro could still escape that imminent punishment perhaps he can't avoid the indignity of porn prison indefinitely, considering the way misconducts are issued, but at least he wouldn't have to suffer more than he already has for this one day.
before keith can articulate any of that, there's a familiar flash of light and a space wolf sidling up close to come look him over. despite the horrid state keith is in, it's impossible not to smile when his wolf friend sniffs at his face. keith has always been amazed by how smart and expressive the space wolf is, making his displeasure with the angry burn perfectly known. shiro's apology earns a disapproving whuffle, which keith tries to ease away with a gentle rub at his neck.]
It's okay, buddy. It was just an accident. We have to get away from here.
[ the wolf shifts his gaze to keith, head tilted skeptically as if trying to work out what possible chain of events led up toshiro missing his pants, a burn on keith's leg and a stampede of sentries donstairs, but quickly lets out a second discontented whuffle.
edging forward, the space wolf gets his teeth on shiro's metal arm while keeping a paw on keith's foot. before anyone gets to complain about it, the worn down bedroom disappears in a flash of light, and the trio reappear at the northeastern section of the prison where the prison yard meets the barrier. ]
Woah...
[ freshly dsoriented, keith blinks then shakily gets to his knees. the wolf meanwhile has yet to release shiro's metal hand and tugs very insistently to direct his attention towards a sizable crawlspace in the barrier through which the world beyond the prison walls can be seen. far from anything idlyllic, their first glimpse at freedom on this planet looks like an abandoned, torn up parkin lot.
following the wolf's direction, keith hunkers down, gasps then nervously looks up to shiro. ]
Could be dangerous out there, Shiro....
[ the little reconnaissance they've been able to do with the space wolf's assistance hadn't exactly pointed to anything habitable, but who knows what this planet could be beyond the immediate prison perimeter? at the very least, between them they really ought to havea. full set of clothes and shoes. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
LOL the secret to uncappable compliments...
panic hits harder then, chest heaving with sharp, anxious breaths even before the commotion taking place not to far away. he cracks open one eye, too dizzy to track the movements properly but his head lulls, tongue slurring the word: ]
Shiwo...
[ as metal cleaves through metal, and something heavy crashes onto the stage floor. keith struggles in his binds, at least subconsciously recognizing that he can't leave shiro to fight alone, though his efforts don't get him anywhere. dilated, unfocused eyes follow a blurry figure lit up in purple approaching the rig, but where his eyes fail him, a familiar voice brings clarity to the rising bile in his throat.
i've got you.
keith opens his mouth, slurring heavily once more as he relaxes into the rig. perhaps he shouldn't because shiro was drugged at a point too. for all keith knows, his boyfriend could well decide to take advantage of the setup, but losing himself increasingly to the heat coursing through his veins, keith arches his back and widens the spread of his legs.
....to his detriment as it turns out.
searing heat rips up his calf as keith chokes back a sob and instinctively lifts his newly freed arms to cover the scar on his cheek. ]
Shiro, please...
[ delirious in his pleading, keith grits his teeth, his burned leg shaking uncontrollably within the bind. ]
Don't... don't do this to me again.
i don't even remember what the compliment was at this point... should've capped it
shiro rips his hand away so fast, almost like he’s the one who's been burnt. he’s not, of course; quite the opposite, actually. his insides go cold instead, brittle and cracking from the immediate wave of guilt. ]
I’m sorry!
[ it hurts to even draw a breath, the vice-like grip of disdain for his own actions taking a physical toll on him. his heart, too. it feels fragile, like one wrong beat will crack it in two. ]
God, I’m sorry, Keith. I didn’t mean to, I…
[ he looks to keith’s face in the midst of those words, his own pained, but not nearly on the same level as keith’s. the rest of his apology catches in his throat and… – he doesn’t understand the depth of what he’s seeing or hearing. keith said again. don’t do this to him again. and there’s his hand on his cheek, touching the scar that’s been burned into his skin. from the war is the extent of what shiro’s ever gotten as an explanation. now though…
two pieces connect in mind and he understands a little differently, his next breath shaky with a fresh wave of anxiety and dread. this isn’t the time for an interrogation, though, especially when keith’s leg is shaking in the bind, body wrought with pain. ]
I’m sorry. [ how many times will he say it? ] I need… [ he grimaces, because that sounds wrong to say now. swallowing, shiro places his left hand on that shaking leg, trying to soothe it as much as still it. ] I need you to keep still. I’ll get you out. I’ll be more careful.
it's in the subject lines!!
whatever drug got pumped into him softens the razor-sharp edges of the memory, but that means total disembodiment. dissociation. keith drifts in and out, caught between something terrifying and the tender way shiro brushes up and down his leg. he didn't cry then, and he is't going to cry now, but the partly stifled noise keith makes is miserable as he tries to do as told. ]
Okay.... okay... it's gonna be okay...
[ murmured, keith loses sight o what that's even supposed to mean, or who it's for. it's gonna be okay hadn't done anything to soothe an enraged clone back then, but... he's not even dealing with that now, right? the muscles in his legs tense with the effort of staying still, teeth grit like that might keep the fire lighting up his leg inside contained as well.
except there's one thing that slips through the cracks. one desperate attempt to know if things really are going to be okay. ]
Love you.
you expect me to scroll???
love you.
it catches shiro off guard. shiro’s been spinning lies to himself for the past week that they weren’t themselves when they said those words. so much so that he almost has himself believing it. this is what happened last time, though. they were heavily influenced with some sort of drug. shiro isn’t nearly as compromised as he was that first time – or even what he was twenty minutes ago – but it happens anyway: his heart double-times on what has to be a flutter and then he’s slipping. slipping past reservations and self-denial, shiro stares down at keith for an extended beat of wonder and then…? he swallows hard to muzzle the guilt and breathes out: ]
Love you, too.
[ the potency of the drug is fading, has been fading, and so, it doesn’t take long for the second guessing to start. thankfully, it isn’t detrimental enough to distract him from his current task. refocusing on that helps in a number of ways, actually, to which shiro frowns and shakes his head, gaze back to keith’s leg. ]
We need to get out of here. Then we’ll talk. [ he reactivates his right hand. ] I’m going to cut it now. Stay still.
[ he is, indeed, very careful this time. as soon as he cuts through the two straps holding keith’s shins, he lets the power drain from his arm. he’s quicker now, in helping keith sit up and get off. he tugs his pants up for him because it’s faster and then – ]
Come on… I…
[ and that’s when he realizes he’s stark naked. or at least, that’s when he realizes he will remain as such, because where are his clothes? they aren’t anywhere on the stage. did the sentries take them? where would they store them? ]
Fuck, I dunno where… [ they need to get out of here, he tells himself again. keith’s safety is far more important and well – ] Doesn’t matter. I’m gonna get you somewhere safe.
[ wasting even more time isn’t an option, especially not to look for clothes. they’ve already lingered too long due to shiro’s blunder; more sentries are certain to come any second now. so shiro scoops keith up without another word, making the executive decision that keith’s burn prevents him from using that leg. logical? perhaps not, but shiro is committed, already jumping off the stage to start running. ]
ah yes... the effort...
but with drugs spinning his thoughts thorugh a blender, keith doesn't think. he waits, breath held tight in his throat, and gets back a simple love you, too that sits in his head, competing with the pain for what limited attention he has. vision still blurry, keith looks vacantly at shiro standing between his legs, unflinching even as that purple flickers back on, and attempts to smile through the mess of words that come after.
i don't know where
heh. it's only funny because keith doesn't know where either. or what he's talking about. but he understands that part about needing to go. shiro has to be safe, too, after all. not that he gets a chance to try and move himself. shiro scoops him up and though his limbs feel like lead weights, keith limply hangs on as shiro starts to run. where are they going? it doesn't matter. they're going wherever shiro thinks they should be.
and even if they never get there? ]
M'never giving up on you.
[ it's murmured sluggishly as shiro pushes through the small crowd that's gathered to take in other people's suffering on stage. the inmates don't attempt to stop them, and once they're outside, the sentries haven't regrouped just yet. it's a clear shot to the house they used to frequent, but throughout the frenzied running, keith isn't paying any mind. the one thought that's gripped his soul is to force more strength into the hand draped on shiro's shoulder.
even after they get through the door and shiro stops running to catch his breath, keith stays focused on that same thought. this is different, after all. shiro loves him back, so there won't be any falling from platforms or gradually widening voids where their friendship used to be. ]
don't judge my laziness
this isn’t necessarily about not being found, though. it’s about buying time to clear their systems and to fortify their defenses, because yeah, when they do come for them, shiro will have an easier time picking them off when they have to come through an entrance shiro has the advantage on.
so up the stairs they go and then shiro’s turning into the master suite, a very familiar bed coming into view. it’s as shabby as ever, with its dusty, mostly ripped drapes at the four corners of those canopy pillars, but at least the mattress is soft, to which he makes use of by laying keith down on it. ]
Whatever they pumped you full of needs time to work itself out of your system. So you stay here and let it do that, okay?
[ of all the times shiro’s been to this house, he’s never rifled through the dressers or the closets. it used to be someone’s residence, though, so there is the possibility that he might find clothing that’ll fit him. slim, perhaps, but he can hope. ]
I’m gonna try to find some pants and then keep watch.
[ standing there beside the bed, he hesitates, and then bends down, gently laying his left palm over the top of keith’s head in what is meant to be a stabilizing, as well as comforting gesture. ]
Everything’s gonna be fine. I’m not giving up on you, either. I’m going to keep you safe, no matter what.
i accept you okok
...at least until shiro makes the wholly rational point about leaving to go find himself some clothes and dignity. ]
Take my pants. S'too hot in here anyway.
[ fumbling to grab shiro's wrist, keith tugs his hand down his face, until his palm makes a comfortable cradle for his cheek. after an indulgent nuzzle, he wriggles, getting his feet planted on the mattresses to lift his hips up for shiro to strip off the prison-issued orange yoga pants. ]
I'm melting. Can't protect you if I'm melting.
good bc we are glued
… in a minute, apparently. is that a legitimate suggestion?
dubiously, shiro shifts his gaze lower to those prison pants, thinking only of size differences in which keith is clearly more petite. but then keith makes the executive decision of not giving shiro any time to turn him down. that ass lifts and shiro is forced to reconsider his earlier assessment: okay, keith isn’t small everywhere. ]
I’ll find you something to drink in a minute. Don’t liquify into goo just yet.
[ then he moves to grasp keith’s pants, more so for the other boy’s comfort than any small possibility that they’ll fit him. for a moment, he almost forgets. his head is overstuffed with worry – the sweating, the sentries, the state of their relationship and how they’re going to navigate all of this in the aftermath – so he doesn’t have the mental capacity to focus on everything. meaning? he grabs at the hem before he comprehends.
but then he sees it. it’s fucking right there in the ruined char of keith’s pants. he hesitates, feeling sick at the mere sight. but then he pulls himself together and works the pants down, being sure to bunch the material as best he can to minimize the fabric snagging over the burn. eventually, he gets the pants off, but he doesn’t immediately go to force them on; he merely stands beside, holding them in both hands. ]
I’ll try to find something for the burn, too. [ he doubts he can miraculously find pain medicine or a healing salve of some kind. a cool compress is probably the best he can do; how pathetic. ]
glued, taped, brainlinked.... gosh LOL
Nnngh, no Shiro -- don't go.
[ he cracks open his eyes, fumbling with an outstretched arm to hold shiro's wrist. ]
We- we haven't been together like this in a while.
[ scrambled as his thoughts are, the truth underlying it feels unshakeable. they haven't been close in some time, have they? but why? someone else was always there, never allowing them the time to talk privately?
no.
i love you.
but then shiro said it back?
keith frowns, pushing aside the inertia of his thoughts to sit up. ]
I don't wanna be alone like that again.
IS THIS A BAD THING
but keith doesn’t want him to go. he doesn’t want him to put on these pants, check the parameter, and go searching for water and bandages. so he asks himself again: what is he meant to do?
well, there’s one thing he knows he shouldn’t do: entertain this conversation that keith is starting. they need to have it, but not when keith is dazed and only partly aware of what is even happening. and yet – ]
I never should've shut you out.
[ the words come to him anyway and now there are too many building up to stop. ]
I thought… I didn't know how to handle what happened. I was – [ embarrassed, mostly; to be so wanton for something he's never craved before. ] – a coward.
[ the too small yoga pants are set down on the bed and once again, shiro crouches bedside. expression pained and voice guilty, shiro pushes back keith’s sweaty bangs. ]
I've been one for a long time.
[ he continues to be, really. because he’s steering the conversation in a certain way, focusing more on the physical, rather than the i love you and the plead to betray their own realities in order to stay together. ]
It was always going to be you to… fuck me. I wanted to choose the moment, but… well, compromised choice is the norm here. Stupid of me to expect anything different.
I SUPPOSE NOT.
coward. yea, right. hilarious.
but keith can't seem to make his llungs work right to laugh. his breathing stays quick and shallow, eyes closing as shiro puts a cool hand on his forehead. it's difficult to focus, let alone think, but keith tries anyway, brow furrowing with the effort as he pushes the raw memory of burning skin farther away.
after all, here isn't an abandoned galra facility hidden in an asteroid realities away.here is a different kind of alien facility where compromised choice is the norm and -- ]
I should've known better.
[ and isn't that the story of his fucking life? whenever it comes to shiro. not just the shiro from his reality that keith had never realized had been replaced with a clone, but this shiro too. expression falling, keith turns his face away, voice thick with regret. ]
Shoulda known. You're the last person I ever wanna do anything to that you don't want and ) - this place made me take advantage of you anyway. I thought - I really thought you liked it, but it turns out I might've raped you, and I - maybe I really do deserve to be here.
YOU DONT SOUND ENTHUSED, which will only anger the brainlink
– I might've raped you –
it's akin to being slapped. that word. that god awful word. not just that, either, but that word in keith's voice, so guilty, so distressed, so self-loathing…
expectation changes and the plan is rewritten in an instant. the gentleness is gone from his voice, as well as his face. the steadiness of his patience breaks and then words are spilling out, every syllable firm with unquestionable certainty. ]
You did not rape me.
[ he fails in masking his frustration. it isn't wholly directed at keith. per usual, most of it is reserved for himself. he used to be better at this; at controlling his emotions and ensuring others saw only what he deemed acceptable to show. is it the lingering trace of drugs in his system that makes him sloppy? the anxiety fueled adrenaline of their situation? or is it simply because he lacks the restraint when it comes to keith? keith, who is both his strength and his weakness, the balance between the two so precarious that shiro is often fighting within himself, trying to find his own footing.
he shouldn't be surprised. that's what love does to a person.
clenching his jaw tight in the aftermath of spitting out that dirty word, shiro gnashes his teeth until they hurt and then, only then, is he able to bring himself back into check for a conscious calming of his voice. ]
I wanted you. [ not the entire truth, he tells himself. ] I want you still.
[ remember his plan to let keith look away and collect himself, as shiro slowly coaxes him into looking at him again? so much for that. shiro grasps keith by the chin and turns his face toward him, because as much as he wants to say it's for keith, the move is mostly for shiro. shiro needs the connection. he needs to erase those ill thoughts from keith's head and replace them with understanding and truth. as shiro should have done from the beginning. fuck, just… has keith been toiling over this idea of raping him for the entire week…?
remorse thickens his voice again, everything heavy and slow like molasses. not due to hesitation this time, but the weight of his own damnation. ]
You were so good to me, baby. So gentle, so caring… don't you dare think any part of it was… [ unwanted. unreciprocated. rape. ] – that. You'd never do something like that to me. [ his hand moves from his chin to his cheek, keeping keith turned toward him with a curl of his fingers and a caress of his thumb. ] Because you're good. So good to me.
[ here's the waver. just a moment of hesitation. even now, it's difficult for him to be wholly honest with himself, as he distances his own desires from that of responsibility. ultimately, it is responsibility that wins… but it's responsibility to keith, not to voltron and not to his own reality. ]
That's why I love you. I love you so much, baby… I meant it then and I mean it now. That hasn't changed.
SCREAMING?!
nothing trips keith over his own thoughts like that one does. for all that he hates the way reparacija operates, where would the best relationship of his life be without it? if they could be free tomorrow, but never see each other again, would he really be able to turn his back on this codemned hell hole? is itbad that doesn't have a fucking answer? and what does it say about him that when shiro forces him to hold eye contact that keith crumbles under the knowledge that he doesn't want shiro to leave him behind?
you were so good to me, so caring.... that's why i love you.
heart squeezing painfully tight, keith looks up at shiro with growing despondence. ]
But... but I'm not. I'm not good to you.
[ gingerly, keith wraps his fingers around shiro's wrist, holding on in silent desperation. ]
If I could, I'd keep you with me. Even if it means being stuck in this horrible place.
[ hell, even if it means falling from a platform to oblivion. ]
shhhh everything is fine. we get to have good food today
i’m not good to you.
– but not when he’s on this side of it. self-deprecation and self-sacrifice are habitual things shiro is, unfortunately, well-versed in. of course he realizes that every time he distances himself from keith for one reason or another, it’s frustrating to keith. painful, too, but he’s always thought it to be a pain born from being denied what he wants in the moment. it hurts for another reason, though, huh? it actually hurts to sit here and listen, watch, feel keith closing in on himself with bitter words.
shiro has many regrets, some too traumatic to even begin to put into words, this here, though? this he can verbalize: he’s the one who is not good to keith. keith deserves better than someone who can’t get his thoughts and emotions in check. someone who can be open and honest from the beginning. someone who isn’t perpetually torn between love and obligation. someone who –
fuck, he’s doing it again.
if i could, i’d keep you with me.
as self-serving as it feels, like he’s the one getting the better end of the bargain, shiro banishes the temptation to talk himself down into a black hole of loathing, instead putting all of his focus back where it belongs: on keith. his smile is bittersweet, his expression never progressing further than what can only be deemed apologetic. his touch continues to be steady and sweet however, thumb scooting across his cheek again. ]
We can’t stay here, sweetheart.
[ punishment looms. they may not be able to escape being discovered for their latest acts, but they can’t keep doing this. they can’t settle for compromised autonomy and a small, secluded world. shiro’s drive to explore and experience the unknown may have darkened somewhat from what it used to be, but keith… fuck, shiro can’t stomach the thought of someone as beautiful and vibrant as this boy being locked up forever. keith is meant to soar, not to have his wings clipped so readily.
taking a breath, shiro forces his voice lighter, hope and encouragement coloring his next words. ]
But that doesn’t mean you can’t keep me.
[ another caress of his thumb and then he bows a little closer, voice softening as though sharing a secret. ]
… You promised, remember? I’m counting on you to help me figure this out… because I need you just as much.
._. !!!!!!!!
but even knowing all that, it's hard not to be selfish in his reflections of the aftermath. separated from his boyfriend by entire realities, forever haunted by the white-haired version of the shiro in his reality of all the things they could have been but never were.
shiro's hand is a warm constant on his face, and keith blinks slow through the rest of his words. leaving porn prison and keeping shiro has always been at odds with each other, if only because the end goal of escaping here is an inevitable return to their respective realities. or at least, it had always been one and the same because abandoning their realities had been utterly unthinkable.
up until now, that is. shiro comes closer and an impossibly heavy weight comes off keith's soul as the unthinkable is allowed, even briefly, to become thinkable. eyes widening, keith stares up, his grip inadvertently going slack on his boy's wrist. ]
... You really mean that? It's not something messed up in your system again?
ROFL it's so sad... i'm still laughing/crying over the chances of that happening
… supposedly. it’s clear that the drugs are still potent in this boy’s system. is keith even capable of fully comprehending, as well as remembering all of this when he’s no longer compromised?
uncertain, but having no alternative, because he can’t simply stop now, shiro keeps his hand at keith’s face and lifts his other, gently pulling that loosened grip looser. ]
I really mean it.
[ he doesn’t look away from that wide-eyed stare, making sure that the meaning of those words hit their point and sink in. as for keith’s hand, shiro takes those slackened fingers and holds them, resting their combined hands over keith’s sternum. it’s a slight criss crossing of limbs, but shiro likes having all the points of contact, hoping that keith feels as grounded as he does in the moment. ]
I want us to be together.
/kicks the universe another time
but words are easy, actions are not. if shiro truly wants them to be together, then this past week of intangible distance shouldn't have happened. the contradiction picks and picks away at the back of keith's skull until doubt dims the warmth of his adoration. ]
But you were mad at me, right? For what I did to you?
[ rape, that is. the sole reason keith avoids using the ugly word again is down to the intensity of shiro's reaction the first time. ]
I... I don't know how to make things right, Shiro.
IT'S OKAY THO. in a few days...
they’ll talk about this again, he knows. once keith is clear-headed. once neither of them are stripped down in a horridly uncertain situation. and once they’re free of the overreaching danger of being discovered and subsequently punished. maybe then it won’t be such a battle for shiro to convince keith that his intentions are genuine. for now, though, he tries his best to settle keith just enough to put a crack in that doubt.
and the quickest way to do that? he leans down and takes a kiss from his mouth, resting solid and resting heavy, to make keith really feel the weight of everything shiro is feeling. no open mouth and no tongue, just a firm meeting of their lips as shiro holds and holds, breaking away after a few, long beats. ]
I’m not mad. [ wait. that’s not entirely true. ] Not at you.
[ better. he sighs again, still keeping all points of contact between them. ]
I’m mad that I’m an idiot when it comes to you.
[ he used to be so much better at this. oddly enough, he was better at managing their relationship when they hardly had one; back in the garrison days, when he was diligently working at gaining this disgruntled kid’s trust. now… sometimes shiro truly believes that everything that’s happened to him has damaged him beyond repair.
or maybe that’s a scapegoat. afterall, his track record for love isn’t stellar. can he honestly say that he was open and honest with adam in all aspects of their relationship, too? that he was always understanding and patient? for how readily available he makes himself to building people up when they need it, does he truly know how to love unconditionally? maybe not, he thinks… but he’s learning. he’s trying. he already loves this boy, he knows it, he feels it. he just… needs to love him better.
god, even in the privacy of his own head, that sounds stupid enough for him to be embarrassed by it. it’s true, though. keith is it for him and one day, shiro is going to make him believe it. ]
I know I haven’t given you enough reason to believe me, but try to, baby. I love you.
MANN HOW HAS IT BEEN MONTHS...
shiro loves him -- that's what keith has to focus on. it still doesn't process quite right though, because the difference between the euphoria he'd felt that first time he heard shiro say those words and the misery he feels now may as well be a chasm. perhaps the issue is as simple as not knowing what it's like to truly feel loved by shiro. that first high was spun out of control by potpourri, and this low isn't free of chemical influence either.
expression crumpling, keith takes a deep stabilizing breath and recomposes. ]
And I love you.
[ a beat. ]
But I still did things to you that you didn't want and it made you change. Even if you still love me, it's different, isn't it? This place used me to hurt you and I'm not safe for you to be around.
holy crap, it really has been months LOL
and that is precisely why they can’t stay here. shiro thinks it, but he doesn’t say it. not again. they keep doing this; rounding back to the same arguments, seemingly arguing for the sake of it because neither of them can be swayed from their positions. once more, shiro wonders if this is how keith has felt every time shiro has talked himself down, too deep in his own self-reprimand that even the kindest words can’t pull him free.
perhaps it’s time for a refresher on that. ]
I'm not safe for you to be around, either.
[ and the most damning part about that? shiro can’t attribute all of it to this place as keith can. remember the simulator? remember half an hour ago? a lot of it has been the fault of this god awful place, that’s true, but shiro’s weapon of choice is very much attached to him. it will always be with him. and when he’s perpetually on a trigger with no certain idea of what will set him off on a panic attack… who’s to say he won’t go blind and deaf to reality again? what if he gets stuck in his head and he attacks keith again? what if, next time, he uses his arm as more than a threat?
and hell, even when he’s trying to help him, he still hurts him.
that is a lot of what ifs. he’s been afraid of what ifs for a long time, so often creating a cage for himself to measure and restrain his own wants and needs in order to maintain some illusion of control. he thought he could live that. he was committed to living like that, but…
keith. keith has been challenging him from the very beginning, coaxing him over and over to reevaluate what he’s deemed acceptable for himself. ]
I changed long before any of this… but you love me in spite of that.
[ again, he swipes his fingers along keith’s face, pushing hair aside and mapping, slowly, the shape of his temple to cheek to jaw. ]
I love you. The only thing about that that has changed is that I am in love with you. And now that I am, it will never change again.
/o\
but life isn't so simple. after all, it isn't just in this messed up prison that keith's love of shiro has been warped to some other cruel end. it's back home, too, where keith being too blind to see the truth of what happened to his best friend has hurt him -- hurt them, perhaps irreparably. keith certainly has the scars to show for it.
and now what? because shiro cares -- loves him enough not to abandon him on a bondage rig to be displayed for public use, shiro has to suffer the consequences of destroying the sentries that keith couldn't finish off in the first place?
is love supposed to trap people in cycles of mutual pain and suffering? or is it simply something about keith that drags shiro down -- not just in his home reality, but every reality? the question hurts his head, compounding the dull throb at the base of his skull, and suddenly keith is more tired than he's ever felt in his life.
struggling through the disorientation of the drugs that want him lying flat and spread on the bed, keith slowly sits himself up and settles with his head pressed to the wall. ]
... and I love you. More than I could ever love anyone else in this whole universe.
[ the smile he manages is weak, and holds only for a beat before it falls away for something hollow. ]
But maybe..... maybe that's not such a good thing. If we keep hurting each other... [ he pauses, swallowing hard through the tightness in his throat. ] Maybe we're just not good for each other. I'm tired, Shiro. I'm so tired of messing things up with you. I- I just don't know what I'm doing anymore.
i'm still gutted over keith's thoughts ._.
fuck.
eventually, keith begins to move. shiro is right there to help with gentle hands, his touch staying even as keith finds support against the wall. the pressure of his hands becomes even softer, sweeter when keith reaffirms what shiro already knows and already treasures. i love you. thumbs brush for a stroke and then backtrack for a caress, that small, semi-weak smile drawing a sunnier one from shiro himself, like he’s trying to encourage keith into gifting him a wider one.
maybe we’re just not good for each other.
the smile turns static and brittle, souring right off of his face as shock has lips parting and eyes widening. the caresses stop, too. abruptly, he lets go, hands hovering over their placements for an extended beat before shiro pulls them back toward himself. confusion takes over quickly, his expression turned lost and uncertain, brow furrowed so harshly that he develops deep lines.
what? that’s the one resounding thought that dominates his brain, everything in him searching for an answer, only to come up completely empty. how did it come to this so quickly? he can’t say the concept of them being better off not romantically involved is entirely out of left field, but from keith it is. keith is the one who fights so hard to keep them together, not just here, but back in their own realities. keith is the one who doesn’t know how to give up on them. keith is the one who is supposed to chase after shiro, not walk away from him.
fuck, that last one is a bit cruel, isn’t it? maybe shiro really is bad for keith if he can formulate such a selfish expectation. relationships are meant to be balanced. equal. can shiro honestly say he’s shown keith as much love, respect, and consideration that keith has shown him time and time again? ]
No. [ he can’t. but also, no, he isn’t going to let that be the summation of their relationship. shiro can change; he has changed. the time of walking away has long passed. they’re in too deep. shiro is in too deep. ] You are not giving up on us.
[ reaching across, he takes keith’s hands in his, squeezing with meaning. ]
We overcome everything thrown at us, because we're stronger together. I don't want… [ a slight pause, his expression hardening with determination. ] I refuse to give up on what we have. Life is made better by you being in it, by being able to love you, so please… [ he squeezes again, giving his captured hands a little shake. ] … don’t let this defeat us.
shhh, he'll be fine. eventally
maybe it has nothing to do with anything physical. it takes so little of shiro's distress for keith to be moved into action, even if he has no idea what the hell action he ought to take.]
I don't like this either, Shiro. In my wildest dreams, I never thought I'd become a paladin and help people across the universe live free. I never thought I'd get to meet my mom or - or meet so many other incredible people. But even with all that, you're the most important thing that's ever happened to me and I think no matter what happens, I'll always be yours.
[ keith huffs, managing yet another small smile as he gives their clasped hands a long look. ]
And the fact that I got to call you mine, even for a little while, feels like the most amazing thing I've ever done. Crazy, huh? Flying in a sentient lion at faster-than-light speed doesn't even come close to making me feel as good as getting to hold your hand or seeing your smile when I call you babe.
[ with his voice threatening to crack, krith closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. willing himself to stay level, he squeezes shiro's hands and keeps his voice soft and low. ]
...but deep down, I think you know I'm not good for you. I can't think straight when it comes to you, and it always leads to hurting you, even though that's the last thing I fucking want. That's why you kept your distance, right? To protect yourself? So just... keep doing it. I can't run. I can't fight. But you can. There's no reason that you should get caught and punished by the warden. Let me just take the fall.
it's been three years of hating that word. i continue to hate it.
but they do, because shiro can’t bring himself to shush keith. he’s a glutton for things like you’re the most important thing that’s ever happened to me and i’ll always be yours and i got to call you mine. got to? get to. the warning bells grow a little louder in the wake of that, but he still can’t stop him, simply sitting there as he waits for the other shoe to drop.
and it does.
funnily enough, keith has it wrong. i think you know i’m no good for you. funnily enough, shiro is one of the few who has never thought that. he’s been warned many times, though. the facility of a junior high years ago when he showed interest. the disciplinary office personnel when he vouched yet again. a certain commander of galaxy garrison when he started toeing the line of mentorship. a cadet speaking far too candidly when shiro began to fail at curbing his favoritism. a neglected fiancé when he returned from yet another hoverbike outing. even a few paladins have grumbled in the aftermath of a disagreement. but shiro? no. never. shiro has never been able to be convinced away from keith by anyone and he isn’t about to start listening about his apparent blindspot, even when the warnings come from keith directly.
it may have worked in the beginning of their captivity, when shiro was looking for support and reason to keep distance. see, he tried to stay away here at prison, not due to believing keith to be no good for him, but because he’s too good. too precious. too essential to shiro’s stability and happiness as a whole, that he’s been afraid to damage any part of their friendship.
but they’re beyond that now. if anything, parting now, under these circumstances, would ensure what shiro has tried to avoid: the destruction of their friendship.
that’s why you kept your distance, right?
to protect yourself?
he’s begun shaking his head, slowly at first with a disbelief that keeps him unblinking and staring.
i can’t run.
i can’t fight.
the shaking picks up.
let me just take the fall.
this absolute imbecile. shock stills his tongue, but horror shakes him loose, right onto a spike in exasperation that leaves him frustrated and panicked, two emotions that loosen his tongue. he’s one breath away from calling this idiot boy exactly that, but as impeccable timing goes, it’s at that precise moment that there’s a crash downstairs, followed by the unmistakable clatter of mechanical parts lugging around. it seems their time has run out. ]
Fuck. [ he squeezes hard at keith’s hands, momentarily defeated by their inevitable discovery and so, helplessly trying to siphon off as much strength as he can off of their connection. he composes himself as best he can and then shakes his head, drawing a breath before pulling his hands from keith’s to cup his face, encouraging him to look at him. ]
I am not abandoning you. [ it’s said firmly, nothing in his tone allowing for an argument. ] It’s you and me ‘til the end.
[ and then he steals a kiss. one, two, and suddenly, there’s a flash of light in the room. adrenaline has him ripping away from keith and standing up, turned and already poised for a fight when his gaze lands on – ]
Holy shit, am I glad to see you.
[ the space wolf is standing there, eyes swiveling from shiro to keith, and once there, they don’t stray again as the animal immediately clamors closer, nearly knocking shiro out of the way as he hops up on the bed. keith has told him time and time again that the space wolf is an intelligent being. admittedly, shiro has witnessed the intelligence himself, but here is the first time that he really sees how meticulous and understanding the animal is as he carefully moves around keith, sniffing and looking him over, as if cataloguing everything that is different about his friend. ]
He’s been drugged. We need to get him out of here. [ that doesn’t make the space wolf move any faster, not when those yellowed eyes are now on the burn of keith’s leg. shiro grimaces and then shrinks under the gaze that snaps up, settling on him. ] I know, I’m sorry… but please, you can take him somewhere safe.
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it isn't, of course, because reparacija by nature stands to benefit more from repeated violations of their bodies than it does their deaths, but the prospect of being strung up on that stage pumped full of mind-melting aphrodisiac to drown out the outrage of their abuse isn't much of a consolation.
shiro could still escape that imminent punishment perhaps he can't avoid the indignity of porn prison indefinitely, considering the way misconducts are issued, but at least he wouldn't have to suffer more than he already has for this one day.
before keith can articulate any of that, there's a familiar flash of light and a space wolf sidling up close to come look him over. despite the horrid state keith is in, it's impossible not to smile when his wolf friend sniffs at his face. keith has always been amazed by how smart and expressive the space wolf is, making his displeasure with the angry burn perfectly known. shiro's apology earns a disapproving whuffle, which keith tries to ease away with a gentle rub at his neck.]
It's okay, buddy. It was just an accident. We have to get away from here.
[ the wolf shifts his gaze to keith, head tilted skeptically as if trying to work out what possible chain of events led up toshiro missing his pants, a burn on keith's leg and a stampede of sentries donstairs, but quickly lets out a second discontented whuffle.
edging forward, the space wolf gets his teeth on shiro's metal arm while keeping a paw on keith's foot. before anyone gets to complain about it, the worn down bedroom disappears in a flash of light, and the trio reappear at the northeastern section of the prison where the prison yard meets the barrier. ]
Woah...
[ freshly dsoriented, keith blinks then shakily gets to his knees. the wolf meanwhile has yet to release shiro's metal hand and tugs very insistently to direct his attention towards a sizable crawlspace in the barrier through which the world beyond the prison walls can be seen. far from anything idlyllic, their first glimpse at freedom on this planet looks like an abandoned, torn up parkin lot.
following the wolf's direction, keith hunkers down, gasps then nervously looks up to shiro. ]
Could be dangerous out there, Shiro....
[ the little reconnaissance they've been able to do with the space wolf's assistance hadn't exactly pointed to anything habitable, but who knows what this planet could be beyond the immediate prison perimeter? at the very least, between them they really ought to havea. full set of clothes and shoes. ]
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i feel like nothing happens in this tag l:
shiro is thinking!!!
and now keith is thinking, but thinking stupidly
..... listen.
stop questioning, daddy, keef
no daddy while the woof is eating :/
kosmo better eat faster then
kosmo will lol wolf down his snack ....
... THAT WAS SUCH A SHIRO JOKE
I KNOW YOU LAUGHED.
YOU CANNOT PROVE!!!!!!!!!!