[ with the artificial fog still thick in his head, keith smiles up at shiro, simply letting his boyfriend adjust the placement of their hands however he sees fit. for how complicated this all is, keith simply looks docile, easily comforted by the concept of being together.
but words are easy, actions are not. if shiro truly wants them to be together, then this past week of intangible distance shouldn't have happened. the contradiction picks and picks away at the back of keith's skull until doubt dims the warmth of his adoration. ]
But you were mad at me, right? For what I did to you?
[ rape, that is. the sole reason keith avoids using the ugly word again is down to the intensity of shiro's reaction the first time. ]
I... I don't know how to make things right, Shiro.
[ they’re going in circles. it’s not the first time he’s chastised himself for picking now, when keith is so obviously struggling to focus and process, to have this conversation. the timing is horrible… but that’s the usual with shiro, isn’t it? nothing can ever be easy between them and shiro has no one to blame but himself. wincing internally, shiro allows that one beat down on himself before he works himself free of it, slipping just enough in his steadfastness to sigh aloud.
they’ll talk about this again, he knows. once keith is clear-headed. once neither of them are stripped down in a horridly uncertain situation. and once they’re free of the overreaching danger of being discovered and subsequently punished. maybe then it won’t be such a battle for shiro to convince keith that his intentions are genuine. for now, though, he tries his best to settle keith just enough to put a crack in that doubt.
and the quickest way to do that? he leans down and takes a kiss from his mouth, resting solid and resting heavy, to make keith really feel the weight of everything shiro is feeling. no open mouth and no tongue, just a firm meeting of their lips as shiro holds and holds, breaking away after a few, long beats. ]
I’m not mad. [ wait. that’s not entirely true. ] Not at you.
[ better. he sighs again, still keeping all points of contact between them. ]
I’m mad that I’m an idiot when it comes to you.
[ he used to be so much better at this. oddly enough, he was better at managing their relationship when they hardly had one; back in the garrison days, when he was diligently working at gaining this disgruntled kid’s trust. now… sometimes shiro truly believes that everything that’s happened to him has damaged him beyond repair.
or maybe that’s a scapegoat. afterall, his track record for love isn’t stellar. can he honestly say that he was open and honest with adam in all aspects of their relationship, too? that he was always understanding and patient? for how readily available he makes himself to building people up when they need it, does he truly know how to love unconditionally? maybe not, he thinks… but he’s learning. he’s trying. he already loves this boy, he knows it, he feels it. he just… needs to love him better.
god, even in the privacy of his own head, that sounds stupid enough for him to be embarrassed by it. it’s true, though. keith is it for him and one day, shiro is going to make him believe it. ]
I know I haven’t given you enough reason to believe me, but try to, baby. I love you.
[ the press of shiro's lips on his is firm and lingering, and whatever drugs the sentries shot into keith's system make him feel it. no, more than feel it. yearn, in a head-empty, pliant way that makes keith part his lips to accept tongue or whatever else may be fed into his mouth. he barely processes the instinct before shiro pulls away, and keith blinks up slow, with an even slower but determined shake of his head as he fights off whatever is in his head wanting to be a receptacle for use.
shiro loves him -- that's what keith has to focus on. it still doesn't process quite right though, because the difference between the euphoria he'd felt that first time he heard shiro say those words and the misery he feels now may as well be a chasm. perhaps the issue is as simple as not knowing what it's like to truly feel loved by shiro. that first high was spun out of control by potpourri, and this low isn't free of chemical influence either.
expression crumpling, keith takes a deep stabilizing breath and recomposes. ]
And I love you.
[ a beat. ]
But I still did things to you that you didn't want and it made you change. Even if you still love me, it's different, isn't it? This place used me to hurt you and I'm not safe for you to be around.
and that is precisely why they can’t stay here. shiro thinks it, but he doesn’t say it. not again. they keep doing this; rounding back to the same arguments, seemingly arguing for the sake of it because neither of them can be swayed from their positions. once more, shiro wonders if this is how keith has felt every time shiro has talked himself down, too deep in his own self-reprimand that even the kindest words can’t pull him free.
perhaps it’s time for a refresher on that. ]
I'm not safe for you to be around, either.
[ and the most damning part about that? shiro can’t attribute all of it to this place as keith can. remember the simulator? remember half an hour ago? a lot of it has been the fault of this god awful place, that’s true, but shiro’s weapon of choice is very much attached to him. it will always be with him. and when he’s perpetually on a trigger with no certain idea of what will set him off on a panic attack… who’s to say he won’t go blind and deaf to reality again? what if he gets stuck in his head and he attacks keith again? what if, next time, he uses his arm as more than a threat?
and hell, even when he’s trying to help him, he still hurts him.
that is a lot of what ifs. he’s been afraid of what ifs for a long time, so often creating a cage for himself to measure and restrain his own wants and needs in order to maintain some illusion of control. he thought he could live that. he was committed to living like that, but…
keith. keith has been challenging him from the very beginning, coaxing him over and over to reevaluate what he’s deemed acceptable for himself. ]
I changed long before any of this… but you love me in spite of that.
[ again, he swipes his fingers along keith’s face, pushing hair aside and mapping, slowly, the shape of his temple to cheek to jaw. ]
I love you. The only thing about that that has changed is that I am in love with you. And now that I am, it will never change again.
Edited (i completely forgot his burned leg) 2023-12-24 00:36 (UTC)
[ to that, keith falls silent, brow furrowed in contemplation. a while ago, when keith was much younger he would have laughed at the idea that they're mutually destructive for each other. sure, keith was prone to doing things his way, but so was shiro, and either one of them would have dropped everything to help the other. having a support like that should be the antithesis of being bad for each other.
but life isn't so simple. after all, it isn't just in this messed up prison that keith's love of shiro has been warped to some other cruel end. it's back home, too, where keith being too blind to see the truth of what happened to his best friend has hurt him -- hurt them, perhaps irreparably. keith certainly has the scars to show for it.
and now what? because shiro cares -- loves him enough not to abandon him on a bondage rig to be displayed for public use, shiro has to suffer the consequences of destroying the sentries that keith couldn't finish off in the first place?
is love supposed to trap people in cycles of mutual pain and suffering? or is it simply something about keith that drags shiro down -- not just in his home reality, but every reality? the question hurts his head, compounding the dull throb at the base of his skull, and suddenly keith is more tired than he's ever felt in his life.
struggling through the disorientation of the drugs that want him lying flat and spread on the bed, keith slowly sits himself up and settles with his head pressed to the wall. ]
... and I love you. More than I could ever love anyone else in this whole universe.
[ the smile he manages is weak, and holds only for a beat before it falls away for something hollow. ]
But maybe..... maybe that's not such a good thing. If we keep hurting each other... [ he pauses, swallowing hard through the tightness in his throat. ] Maybe we're just not good for each other. I'm tired, Shiro. I'm so tired of messing things up with you. I- I just don't know what I'm doing anymore.
[ shiro miscalculated. that was not the right thing to say. he had a point, one that banked on keith’s trigger to vehemently argue against any slight made against shiro, even ones made by shiro himself. but keith is quiet. keith doesn’t get that hard-nosed, i-will-fight-you-for-being-so-stupid look to his face. neither does he make even the slightest sound of protest. he merely lies there, taking everything in with a patient kind of consideration that isn’t exactly foreign to his best friend, but often far and few between.
fuck.
eventually, keith begins to move. shiro is right there to help with gentle hands, his touch staying even as keith finds support against the wall. the pressure of his hands becomes even softer, sweeter when keith reaffirms what shiro already knows and already treasures. i love you. thumbs brush for a stroke and then backtrack for a caress, that small, semi-weak smile drawing a sunnier one from shiro himself, like he’s trying to encourage keith into gifting him a wider one.
maybe we’re just not good for each other.
the smile turns static and brittle, souring right off of his face as shock has lips parting and eyes widening. the caresses stop, too. abruptly, he lets go, hands hovering over their placements for an extended beat before shiro pulls them back toward himself. confusion takes over quickly, his expression turned lost and uncertain, brow furrowed so harshly that he develops deep lines.
what? that’s the one resounding thought that dominates his brain, everything in him searching for an answer, only to come up completely empty. how did it come to this so quickly? he can’t say the concept of them being better off not romantically involved is entirely out of left field, but from keith it is. keith is the one who fights so hard to keep them together, not just here, but back in their own realities. keith is the one who doesn’t know how to give up on them. keith is the one who is supposed to chase after shiro, not walk away from him.
fuck, that last one is a bit cruel, isn’t it? maybe shiro really is bad for keith if he can formulate such a selfish expectation. relationships are meant to be balanced. equal. can shiro honestly say he’s shown keith as much love, respect, and consideration that keith has shown him time and time again? ]
No. [ he can’t. but also, no, he isn’t going to let that be the summation of their relationship. shiro can change; he has changed. the time of walking away has long passed. they’re in too deep. shiro is in too deep. ] You are not giving up on us.
[ reaching across, he takes keith’s hands in his, squeezing with meaning. ]
We overcome everything thrown at us, because we're stronger together. I don't want… [ a slight pause, his expression hardening with determination. ] I refuse to give up on what we have. Life is made better by you being in it, by being able to love you, so please… [ he squeezes again, giving his captured hands a little shake. ] … don’t let this defeat us.
[ brute forcing himself upright into a seated position exhausts most of the strength in keith's limbs, leaving him to ragdoll slightly against the headboard and wall. he can't quite grip shiro's hands back, nor can he keep his arms still through the gentle shaking, but oddly enough his head feels a little clearer for the jostling.
maybe it has nothing to do with anything physical. it takes so little of shiro's distress for keith to be moved into action, even if he has no idea what the hell action he ought to take.]
I don't like this either, Shiro. In my wildest dreams, I never thought I'd become a paladin and help people across the universe live free. I never thought I'd get to meet my mom or - or meet so many other incredible people. But even with all that, you're the most important thing that's ever happened to me and I think no matter what happens, I'll always be yours.
[ keith huffs, managing yet another small smile as he gives their clasped hands a long look. ]
And the fact that I got to call you mine, even for a little while, feels like the most amazing thing I've ever done. Crazy, huh? Flying in a sentient lion at faster-than-light speed doesn't even come close to making me feel as good as getting to hold your hand or seeing your smile when I call you babe.
[ with his voice threatening to crack, krith closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. willing himself to stay level, he squeezes shiro's hands and keeps his voice soft and low. ]
...but deep down, I think you know I'm not good for you. I can't think straight when it comes to you, and it always leads to hurting you, even though that's the last thing I fucking want. That's why you kept your distance, right? To protect yourself? So just... keep doing it. I can't run. I can't fight. But you can. There's no reason that you should get caught and punished by the warden. Let me just take the fall.
it's been three years of hating that word. i continue to hate it.
[ push, pull, shiro wants to interrupt keith as much as he doesn’t. keith volunteers his vulnerabilities far more than shiro ever does, but it’s still such a precious privilege to be given a glimpse into the inner workings of keith’s mind, no, into his soul, that shiro has an automatic reaction to shut up and listen. the problem here, though, is that he hears the thing keith hasn’t said yet. but. there is going to be a but in the conclusion of this outpouring of affirmation and love, and shiro doesn’t want to reach that point.
but they do, because shiro can’t bring himself to shush keith. he’s a glutton for things like you’re the most important thing that’s ever happened to me and i’ll always be yours and i got to call you mine. got to? get to. the warning bells grow a little louder in the wake of that, but he still can’t stop him, simply sitting there as he waits for the other shoe to drop.
and it does.
funnily enough, keith has it wrong. i think you know i’m no good for you.funnily enough, shiro is one of the few who has never thought that. he’s been warned many times, though. the facility of a junior high years ago when he showed interest. the disciplinary office personnel when he vouched yet again. a certain commander of galaxy garrison when he started toeing the line of mentorship. a cadet speaking far too candidly when shiro began to fail at curbing his favoritism. a neglected fiancé when he returned from yet another hoverbike outing. even a few paladins have grumbled in the aftermath of a disagreement. but shiro? no. never. shiro has never been able to be convinced away from keith by anyone and he isn’t about to start listening about his apparent blindspot, even when the warnings come from keith directly.
it may have worked in the beginning of their captivity, when shiro was looking for support and reason to keep distance. see, he tried to stay away here at prison, not due to believing keith to be no good for him, but because he’s too good. too precious. too essential to shiro’s stability and happiness as a whole, that he’s been afraid to damage any part of their friendship.
but they’re beyond that now. if anything, parting now, under these circumstances, would ensure what shiro has tried to avoid: the destruction of their friendship.
that’s why you kept your distance, right? to protect yourself?
he’s begun shaking his head, slowly at first with a disbelief that keeps him unblinking and staring.
i can’t run. i can’t fight.
the shaking picks up.
let me just take the fall.
this absolute imbecile. shock stills his tongue, but horror shakes him loose, right onto a spike in exasperation that leaves him frustrated and panicked, two emotions that loosen his tongue. he’s one breath away from calling this idiot boy exactly that, but as impeccable timing goes, it’s at that precise moment that there’s a crash downstairs, followed by the unmistakable clatter of mechanical parts lugging around. it seems their time has run out. ]
Fuck. [ he squeezes hard at keith’s hands, momentarily defeated by their inevitable discovery and so, helplessly trying to siphon off as much strength as he can off of their connection. he composes himself as best he can and then shakes his head, drawing a breath before pulling his hands from keith’s to cup his face, encouraging him to look at him. ]
I am not abandoning you. [ it’s said firmly, nothing in his tone allowing for an argument. ] It’s you and me ‘til the end.
[ and then he steals a kiss. one, two, and suddenly, there’s a flash of light in the room. adrenaline has him ripping away from keith and standing up, turned and already poised for a fight when his gaze lands on – ]
Holy shit, am I glad to see you.
[ the space wolf is standing there, eyes swiveling from shiro to keith, and once there, they don’t stray again as the animal immediately clamors closer, nearly knocking shiro out of the way as he hops up on the bed. keith has told him time and time again that the space wolf is an intelligent being. admittedly, shiro has witnessed the intelligence himself, but here is the first time that he really sees how meticulous and understanding the animal is as he carefully moves around keith, sniffing and looking him over, as if cataloguing everything that is different about his friend. ]
He’s been drugged. We need to get him out of here. [ that doesn’t make the space wolf move any faster, not when those yellowed eyes are now on the burn of keith’s leg. shiro grimaces and then shrinks under the gaze that snaps up, settling on him. ] I know, I’m sorry… but please, you can take him somewhere safe.
[ in another time, another place, keith might've smiled at that affirmation. it’s you and me ‘til the end is awfully close to 'til death do us part. sealed with a kiss, it's almost like a wedding vow, but with the clamoring downstairs, it feels a lot more like the end of the line.
it isn't, of course, because reparacija by nature stands to benefit more from repeated violations of their bodies than it does their deaths, but the prospect of being strung up on that stage pumped full of mind-melting aphrodisiac to drown out the outrage of their abuse isn't much of a consolation.
shiro could still escape that imminent punishment perhaps he can't avoid the indignity of porn prison indefinitely, considering the way misconducts are issued, but at least he wouldn't have to suffer more than he already has for this one day.
before keith can articulate any of that, there's a familiar flash of light and a space wolf sidling up close to come look him over. despite the horrid state keith is in, it's impossible not to smile when his wolf friend sniffs at his face. keith has always been amazed by how smart and expressive the space wolf is, making his displeasure with the angry burn perfectly known. shiro's apology earns a disapproving whuffle, which keith tries to ease away with a gentle rub at his neck.]
It's okay, buddy. It was just an accident. We have to get away from here.
[ the wolf shifts his gaze to keith, head tilted skeptically as if trying to work out what possible chain of events led up toshiro missing his pants, a burn on keith's leg and a stampede of sentries donstairs, but quickly lets out a second discontented whuffle.
edging forward, the space wolf gets his teeth on shiro's metal arm while keeping a paw on keith's foot. before anyone gets to complain about it, the worn down bedroom disappears in a flash of light, and the trio reappear at the northeastern section of the prison where the prison yard meets the barrier. ]
Woah...
[ freshly dsoriented, keith blinks then shakily gets to his knees. the wolf meanwhile has yet to release shiro's metal hand and tugs very insistently to direct his attention towards a sizable crawlspace in the barrier through which the world beyond the prison walls can be seen. far from anything idlyllic, their first glimpse at freedom on this planet looks like an abandoned, torn up parkin lot.
following the wolf's direction, keith hunkers down, gasps then nervously looks up to shiro. ]
Could be dangerous out there, Shiro....
[ the little reconnaissance they've been able to do with the space wolf's assistance hadn't exactly pointed to anything habitable, but who knows what this planet could be beyond the immediate prison perimeter? at the very least, between them they really ought to havea. full set of clothes and shoes. ]
[ as critical as shiro has been about the space wolf since, well, since he showed up all those months ago to teleport them straight into a bathhouse disaster, shiro has to admit that there are definitely benefits to having a pet – friend, shiro immediately corrects, because he knows keith would – who can manipulate travel and space. here it’s an absolutely clutch move. sharp, pointed teeth clamp down on his – thankfully – metal hand and then poof, the room is no more. shiro has participated in a number of these magical jumps, but not regularly enough that he’s fully acclimated to the sudden shift. it’s disorientating, especially when he’s still coming down from the high of… whatever the fuck they pumped into his system. the only reason he doesn’t falter to the fresh air, sunshine, and very public space, is because he’s intimately aware that keith is drugged up, too. more so. if shiro feels dizzy, then what about keith…?
woah.
shiro looks to keith, heart lurching and feet already stumbling to cross the little distance… but then he’s being tugged by the hand and – what? shiro sends an exasperated look at the space wolf and then beyond him when he’s rebuffed with another tug.
there’s an opening. more specifically, there’s an opening in the fence that they can fit through.
freedom. this is what they’ve wanted for so long, that now that it’s right there, shiro is, oddly, struck with a temporary sense of paralysis. could be dangerous? yeah. they used to know what they were in for. as unpredictable as the prison could be, there was some semblance of order that made life manageable. now though… it’s deteriorated into something else. so – dangerous out there? ]
Probably is, but we’ve got a better chance out there than we do in here.
[ he moves to make a gesture with his hands, only to find that, right, he’s still a chew toy. he tugs experimentally. dude, let go…? shiro frowns at the space wolf, even as he compliments: ]
The wolf and I are tough, though, right boy? [ another tug and this time, the space wolf lets go after a mouth full of woof. shiro extends and curls his metal fingers, ensuring that, no, pointy space wolf teeth did not tweak any panels or gears. he steps closer then, dropping into a crouch beside keith. ] We’ll handle everything until you get your bearings back.
[ a pause, expression tightening with concern and a tentativeness that seeps into his voice. ]
Though… I need you to do one thing for me first. [ command the space wolf to zap to his cube and gather together two full outfits for them both? who knows how much time they actually have. minutes? seconds? the sooner they’re out, the safer they’ll be. probably better they aren’t running around in prison garb anyway. ] Think you can crawl through on your own?
[ because it’s rather narrow, even for one person. through the fence and to an abysmal slab of asphalt; the building that borders it is similarly empty, at least it appears so from this angle. all is quiet, and shiro wishes to say that it's comforting to think that no one will be privy to them shimmying through a break in the parameter, but it’s almost as alarming to believe that it can be that easy. ]
[ there isn't much time. as messed up as keith's head is, it's clear that they can't sit around debating the relative merits and dangers of staying or leaving. any moment now, the sentries responsible for the perimeter checks will be doing their rounds, and then they go right back trying to find a place to hide with no long-term hope of actually dodging whatever misconducts are issued.
it's just... so sudden and seemingly so easy.
frowning, keith glances through the hole in the barrier to look at the uninviting, abandoned landscape beyond the prison walls. perhaps it won't be so easy once they're out there without any supplies and without a full set of clothes between them, but as his gaze shifts back to shiro, keith finds himself nodding.
if shiro wants to do this, then keith isn't about to be the one to stop him. after all, shiro's been in this place before, hasn't he? escaping from alien imprisonment with an uncertain future lying in wait had to have been terrifying, but shiro doesn't seem nervous here at all. his best friend has always been brave in the face of the unknown,, huh... ]
Yeah. Just wish we had some supplies.
[ hurriedly quashing a surge in feeling, keith tips forward onto his hands and knees and starts to crawl through the narrow space. no questions asked, no more doubts raised -- just unshakily forward. the crawlspace itself is narrow, but isn't more than a foot long. pushing through the deadweight of his limbs, keith crawls through as fast as he can, emerging on the other side of the opaque barrier with a disoriented blink as he dusts off his hands and knees. the asphalt beneath his feet is in dire need of maintenance, and so is the nearest structure in the distance. keith stares, the eerie unnatural silence of the world thick in his ears, then quickly shuffles to the side to make room for shiro and the wolf.
keith doesn't dare say a word, like breaking the silence might cause something out there to stir, but with his heart hammering away in his chest, he remains tense and unable to relax until both shiro and the wolf make it through. ]
C'mon, c'mon, c'mon..
[ he mouths the words silently as two ticks pass by with no sign of either shiro or the wolf. the opacity of the barrier works against him here, with panic threatening to overtake until shiro squeezes his way through the tight fit. keith finally exhales, hurriedly reaching to take shiro's hand, but then: ]
...where's the wolf?
[ but perhaps he needn't have worried. another moment and the wolf pushes a satchel stuffed with instant noodles and a hodgepodge of clothes through and emerges on the other side. the wolf gives himself a vigorous shake and trots over to keith's side for a nuzzle.
they're far from being free. reparacija is a foot away, after all. but standing on the other side of the barrier for the first time with shiro and the wolf is almost overwhelming anyway. keith looks from one to the other, disbelief written on his face before he simply says: ]
[ yes. about that. supplies would indeed be nice. food, water canisters, a medical kit, clothes, blankets, lube – there are a number of things that shiro would have packed tightly into a backpack if he’d awoken this morning with any indication that today would be the day they slipped free. as it is, shiro is tragically unprepared, to the point that it is grimly amusing in its utter ludicrousness. he has nothing at his disposal. he doesn’t even have clothes. completely bare and completely exposed, the only usefulness he brings to this escape is the strength of his body. knowing that, shiro is quick to prove that by following hot on keith’s heels. through the fence and to the other side, shiro tries to keep a level-head – because that is also something he can provide if he focuses – but no, he’s failing on that front, too. he should be keeping surveillance. immediately, he should be taking stock of their surroundings more than a too quick glance around.
see, shiro’s distraction is that keith is on his feet. shiro, who is perpetually on edge when it comes to keith’s wellbeing, finds himself watching his boyfriend instead. he’s fine. he’s stable. he isn’t swaying or tumbling over. shiro doesn’t need to be tense, ready to spring into action for a catch. still, let it be known that he has yet to let go of keith’s hand.
where’s the wolf?
the what – oh. shiro glances to the torn fence, opening his mouth for a defaulted he’s coming, don’t worry that he hopes is actually true, only to snap his lps together over a click of his teeth when a blue hairball squeezes through. it is at that moment that shiro releases keith’s hand, partly due to the space wolf crowding keith and, in no uncertain terms, making it known that this is his human to look after, mr.-leg-burner. the other partly has to do with the satchel of goodies. food and clothes, that’s two things off the list, the latter especially welcome as shiro digs through to pull on pants, boots and the first shirt he happens to grab.
which, as luck would have it, is actually keith’s. it stretches, but it’s definitely a fitted tank now.
wow.
no, keith is not talking about shiro. shiro slings the satchel’s strap over his head and around an arm, securing it to rest across his body. a chunk of broken asphalt crunches under his boot with his first step and those blue ears flick toward him, furry face turning toward him in the next beat. shiro musters a smile and it must be adequate enough, because he’s allowed to sidle in close to their favorite boy. he touches keith’s shoulder with tempered gentleness, the rush needed for the seriousness of their situation momentarily absent. ]
I’ll give you a better sightseeing tour. [ he quirks a smile and then crouches down, indicating for keith to drape over his back. ] Climb aboard.
[ and after being especially careful in the placement of keith’s burn as he lifts his precious cargo, they’re off. the space wolf trots ahead, playing leader. shiro doesn’t mind at all. he imagines a celestial being like the wolf has more finely tuned senses that he can't even begin to understand, meaning it’s likely safer to trust those instincts and faculties than it is for shiro to pick a direction and hope for the best. across cracked streets, through abandoned neighborhoods and further still, to bypass buildings that are as eerily quiet as everything else has been, the trio walk and walk and walk.
shiro loses track of time. the more distance they cover, the better, so he voices no complaints, even as his lower back aches and his arms strain. keith says something about putting him down at one point, that he’s fine and he can walk on his own, but shiro counters that having keith wrapped around him is the highest form of motivation to keep moving. the protests are quiet after that.
they’re losing light by the time they find a place. they’ve been off the road for a good while now, but until recently, they’d been parallel to it. now, they’re something close to a mile perpendicular to it. the space wolf has, periodically been zapping here and there, seemingly scouting ahead to adjust their trajectory and so, he must’ve found this shack during one of those jumps. it isn’t great, but it’s better than huddling together tonight, out in the open.
the door takes some shouldering – after setting keith down – and then they’re inside, promptly taking over what shiro hopes is an abandoned would-be shelter. time lapses with chores after that: taking inventory of both the room and the satchel, mostly, though shiro does leave for a short while, to check the perimeter and familiarize himself with an exit strategy if the worst happens. he comes back to keith and the space wolf settled in, the stove unlit due to an agreement that it’d be safer to keep a low profile. which means they’ll be getting cozy tonight.
usually, the thought would have him smiling, but after the turmoil of their last intimacy, hesitance plagues his confidence. ]
Looks good out there. [ he pulls the door shut, the desk lamp providing enough light that keith is bathed in a soft glow. ] We should keep moving tomorrow and put more distance between us and the prison, but I think we’ll be okay here for a few hours of shut eye. [ and even though he asked earlier, he asks again: ] How are you feeling?
[ if there's one thing keith loathes, it's being dead weight. neither shiro nor the wolf will admit to seeing it that way, but he wishes more than ever tat he could contribute more meaningfully to their escape and safety than by merely hanging onto shiro's back.
not that thinking this way accelerates the elimination of unknown drugs from his system, but there's something profound about the idea that this could be the last time they're ever hurt or abused in this way. from here on out, their lives could be fully back in their hands. no more random aphrodisiacs, no more flying rocket dildos, just ... a whole lot of silence in a desolate world.
but it's their world for now, and the future is at least something they can navigate together as a team. it's kind of breathtaking and exhausting to stare at all the fucked up things that were routinely part of their lives that are potentially part of a closed chapter. his head gets lost in thoughts like that while his body gently rocks in time with shiro's movements. hell, he might've even drifted off at some pointt, only to blink back into wakefulness a few ticks later.
keeping track of anything important is difficult while there's still fog in his head, but keith trie sanyway up to the point where the wolf and shiro decide to take shelter in a shack.mercifully, walking is a little easier when he's placed back down on his feet, and by the time they've figured out what resources they have available and shiro goes for his perimeter check, keith settles on the edge of the bed and opens up a prison branded "cock in a sock" sausage snack for the wolf to eat. again, the fact that this had all been entirely normal feels entirel unreal.
his brow stays furrwed by the time shiro returns, though he looks up with a half smile. ]
I feel...
[ good. the answer is good. nice and simple, then they can just ove on without getting embroiled in an emotional minefield, right? giving the wolf a final pet around the ears, keith drops the sausage to the floor and heaves a deeper breath. ]
...I feel like I should be asking you that question. You were carrying me for a while. You gotta be pretty sore, right? Let me at least rub your back and shoulders.
[ it appears that someone is utilizing a well-used tactic from shiro’s playbook: diversion. that isn’t an answer, keith. shiro knows where this is going even before keith has uttered carrying me. he’s ready. he’s poised. he’s already rocking his head left and right in a slow moving signal of no, he is not sore, and as such, does not need a –
wait. back it up. say that again.
the shaking comes to an abrupt stop, his head slightly off-center so that he isn’t facing keith directly. a hard blink, as if recalibrating, and then he jerks his head back to the midline, eyes a little wider, a little fuller, a little spark of hope making them brighter. ]
Oh.
[ there’s a swift, mental kick to reset his slow as molasse brain. ]
Yeah. [ quicker now. ] Excruciatingly sore. [ and uplifted, too. hope makes him sound more present in the moment. happier. his confidence is yet to fully recover, but the next steps he take aren’t as tentative as before. there’s a surety to the way he walks to the bed and sits down a small space away, smile close to teasing. ] You might have to work on me for awhile.
[ it's impossible not to smile at the way shiro catches himself mid-headshake and does an exaggerated one-eighty. or at least, keith thinks so. the wolf looks up mid-chew to tilt his head in the universal gesture for bruh before returning to finish his well-deserved snack. eyes on shiro, keith doesn't notice that his wolf doesn't think that's charming though. instead, he's busy smiling a little shyly, almost as if it's too early in their journey as fugitives to be smiling too broadly ]
That's okay. I don't mind.
[ with how long shiro had been carrying him, keith wouldn't have complained about paying him back with a lengthy massage anyway. so with shiro seated on the edge of the bed, keith crawls up on top of the sheets and takes his spot kneeling behind shiro's back.
keith gets one hand on shiro's shoulder, then the other, and heaves a deep breath as he squeezes, slowly working his way close to the midline where he carefully presses his thumbs into the tight spaces between vertebrae. it's no surprise that working out the little knots in shiro's muscles is oddly relaxing -- touching shiro has been soothing for as long as keith can remember, even before things between them became far more sexual in nature.
but that's part of what's confusing, too. porn prison has normalized a lot of messed up things, but it's also what led to them sleeping together n the first place. now that they don't have sentence sheets looming over their heads,what does that mean for the two of them now? can they even be a couple, much less a normal couple? how many other couples have dealt with aphrodisiac-fueled rape, anyway.....
smile fading fast, keith is at least comforted by the fact that shiro can't see his face, but even that's barely any consolation. shiro has made it plain that he doesn't want keith thinking of the last time they had sex in those terms, but the forgiveness still feels deeply unearned.
but despite being arguably unworthy, keith takes a deep breath, the slides his hands under shiro's arms to embrace him tightly from behind. eyes closed, keith presses his forehead to the nape of shiro's neck and murmurs quietly: ]
...I know bigger things are going on right now, so I'm sorry -- I just need to know. Now that we don't have sentence sheets or anything... are we.... done with all of that?
[ there might have been a class on this. something something, massages are sensual and calming, the prolonged touch a great foundation for future intimacy. that’s the theory anyway. shiro received a massage from another inmate way back when and it, thankfully, didn’t lead to anything else, but here, he finds himself thinking… hoping…? it’s keith’s fault. his boy has great hands and even greater instincts. shiro doesn’t want to fuck per say, or even do anything sexual right now, but he does want to close his eyes and sink into the intoxicating feeling of fingers and thumbs digging in at just the right angle and just the right pressure…
it isn’t just the hours of carrying keith on his back. shiro has knots upon knots from the routine taxation of his body, both from simply working out and from carrying a metal weight on his right. the prosthetic is heavy. it requires upper body strength, as well as a strong core, to keep the weight from continually pitching him to the right. stress is, of course, another factor that keeps him tense, too. so there is no shortage of sore muscle for keith to find with those lovely, glove enhanced hands of his.
it’s such a shame that it ends so soon.
arms slip around and in, wrapping at his torso. a squeeze brings keith’s closer and they’re there again: keith draped against his back. well, perhaps less draping and more hugging. shiro opens his eyes and looks down at the grasping of keith’s hands, soon bringing his left up to cover one of keith’s. his thumb picks up an almost automatic caress, back and forth, back and forth skimming knuckle as he watches for one beat, two, and then carefully turns his head. he doesn’t want to dislodge keith in any way, so he doesn’t crane as much as he can. just enough to manage a slight peek from the corner of his eyes.
he has a good idea of what keith is trying to say. sex. are they done with sex? but he can’t be entirely sure. maybe keith means a more specified abundance of kink. shiro also can’t be sure this doesn’t have to do with their conversation before the sentries showed up. so – ask, he tells himself. ]
[ nothing about the request for clarification is surprising. keith had been vague after all, but with intention. shiro could have filled in the blanks himself, giving him the full authority to define the parameters of their relationship now that no part of it is necessitated by prison. in hindsight, keith isn't sure if that vagueness had been respectful on his part or cowardly, but given teh state of things, he doesn't think he has the right to presume much of anything.
taking a steadying breath, keith allows himself to be soothed by the warmth of shiro's body before responding with: ]
... yeah.
[ pathetic, huh? trying to be a little less useless in conversation, keith lets out a second breath and continues. ]
Or anything else? Prison started a lot of things between us, and now that none of it needs to happen anymore, I guess I just wanna know what you're choosing to do with that. [ a beat. ] ... With us.
[ … or anything else? ah. it isn’t just a question of intimacy. it’s a question about their relationship. forget sex, should they kiss, hug, be together? there’s a moment, when the incredulousness gives and realization settles to the point of insult, that requires shiro to take pause. he’s trying hard not to take offense to keith’s insecurity. given the past week and their last round of intimacy, keith has reason to doubt the continuation of their relationship. shiro knows that and yet, shiro can’t completely tune out the memory of every reassurance he’s given today. keith was drugged, he’s just as quick to remind himself, and slowly, carefully, talks himself further away from his exhaustion twinged exasperation. ]
Keith…
[ he gives up on trying to look at the boy huddled behind him, so clearly determined to conduct this conversation not face to face. so shiro’s option is to look forward and take a breath. moment spent, he then huffs, dropping his head back to knock it against keith, who is still very much hiding in his nape. ]
You bonehead.
[ it’s a different tactic. a different approach. keith barely listened to him when he was sweet voiced and gentle; that isn’t to say he’s harsher here. just… flippant with a tease, the trace of a smile apparent in his voice as he fondly chastises. ]
Breaking outta prison doesn’t mean we’re breaking up, too. [ the caressing comes to a pause, his hand stilling to blanket keith’s instead. he squeezes there and then reaches high and back with his right, metal finding keith to cup the side of his head. ]
I told you I love you. [ and that he wanted keith to figure out a way for them to be together; to stay together, remember? ] I’d like to keep dating you… but only if that’s what you want as well.
[ bonehead? seriously? here keith is trying to make sure that shiro definitely wants to be making these choices, and shiro's reaction is to tease like keith is being absolutely ridiculous?
perhaps after everything that's been said, it's arguably overkill in keit's part to stop, check, and re-check, but it's only because shiro matters. is that so wrong? he huffs his indignation loudly, pouting intensely at shiro's nape, but keeps a more snappy retort to himself when shiro pretzels and gets a hand in his hair. ]
Of course, I want to date you.
[ grumbled and somewhat indignant, keith fails to keep the pout out of his voice. ]
It's just -- listen. I've never had a boyfriend before you. I've never wanted one before you. And I don't know what normal dating is like either, but I assume sentence sheets and porn prison drugs forcing unwanted sex don't usually factor into the typical boyfriend deal.So just -- stop laughing at me and help me work this out.
[ that pout is, indeed, very apparent in keith’s voice however, so shiro doesn’t quite nail the apology. maybe it’s the high of freedom or maybe it’s a consequence of having keith pressed against him, pouty little snuffles tickling the bareness of his nape. whatever the reason, shiro feels light, like the brunt of their worries are behind them for the time being and that they, for once, can breathe easy. so he’s basking in it, soaking it up as he squeezes keith’s hand and tugs, gently at his hair, holding position a moment longer before releasing at his right and lifting his head off of keith’s.
he shakes his head then, keeping his gaze forward and not once looking back. ]
You talk about prison as a detriment to our relationship. [ shiro did too. in the beginning, he had been starkly against sharing sentence sheets, fully convinced that overstepping the solid lines of their friendship would ultimately damage it. ] And trust me, I get it. There is so much to unpack that I don’t even know where to start. [ a huffed breath, grimly amused. ] I’m still trying to make peace with my first prison sentence.
[ … okay, that joke falls flat. he clears his throat, not pausing long enough to let that fester into something else. ]
The point I’m trying to make is that… no, that wasn’t normal dating.
[ entirely unconventional from every angle. sometimes, shiro wonders what it would have been like to realize his affections back in his universe. would it have been better to develop feelings in the midst of a war? with a different keith? there is no clear answer to that. and maybe there doesn’t need to be, because maybe he shouldn’t be comparing any of this to what-ifs and maybes. that’s what he did with the loss of his virginity this past week and look where that got them. their relationship developed the way it did and there’s nothing he can confidently say he’d like to be different about that, because… because… ]
But we came together and grew closer despite everything working to ruin us. That’s why I laugh… because it feels so obvious now. I don’t doubt as I once did… I’m pretty dead set on you, Keith.
[ how the hell does shiro just casually bring up his time as a galra prisoner, make an alarming joke out of it then expect keith to simply roll with the punches without flinching or grimacing? true, this isn't the first time shiro has done something like that, but every time leaves keith mentally reeling. it's doubtful that the intention is to invalidate what keith is struggling with, but it's more or less the result.
in essence, keith goes quiet, feeling neither fully reassured nor like arguing. what is there to further say? shiro is apparently dead-set which leaves keith as the only one with questions by default. truthfully, that feeling is unsettling in it own right because it's impossible to explain what his doubt is centered around when shiro repeatedly refutes its premise.
shiro knows what he wants. so why isn't that good enough? ]
.... I guess it's just me then.
[ his voice is quiet, followed by a soft wispy huff that could almost be a laugh. ]
Just me holding onto something you're not even mad at me for.
[ another almost laughs, then keith frowns and loosens his arms. ]
It only gets weirder the longer I think about it. The first time we fucked for real and I had no idea who was taking my virginity, I considered taking some aphro beforehand -- y'know, just to take the nerves away. So it's not even like I think doing that with someone has to be something meaningful? So I'm just being a hypocrite.
[ fuck, that doesn’t sound right at all. it’s just me then. it truly is a depressing thought to realize that he is completely out of depth with keith. when did he become so shit at this? didn’t he used to be able to nip insecurity in the bud and stop the hemorrhaging of self-loathing and misery? earnest reassurances didn’t work. deliberately light teasing didn’t work. raw vulnerability and spilling the contents of his heart didn’t work. is there a way to set this right? or is it so far beyond salvaging that shiro can do little more than spinning his tires?
keith’s breath plays against his skin and for a moment, shiro’s mind goes blank, hairs rising on the verge of a shiver –
just me holding onto something you’re not even mad at me for.
– and then he forgets how to breathe. not from anticipation, not from pleasure; that tantalizing tease of whispered breath is bulldozed over by a sickening drop in the pit of his stomach. oh. oh. it truly is about that. are they ever going to get past that?
shiro doesn’t fight keith as he loosens his arms. he should, maybe, but he’s careful with keith to the point of defeat, left hand lifting off of keith’s so he can take it back if he wishes to. with both hands now empty, shiro places them on his thighs and grimaces through that agitated, lost feeling as he listens, processes, and listens some more. it’s all a bit jumbled. he’s trying to follow the links between keith’s points, only to conclude that the underlying message here is: first times and meaningful connections.
at least, he isn’t throwing around rape again. the inner confines of shiro’s chest curdles at the very memory.
and so, it takes him a moment. then two, three, closer to ten. he wets his lips and thinks, hoping for a solution, but not entirely confident that he knows how to find one anymore. in the end, he keeps his back to keith and looks to his lap, fingers pressing into the firmness of his quads. ]
You know… we had a do over of our first time together.
[ he turns his head just slightly, still not looking over his shoulder, but speaking more directly to keith. ]
I don’t see why we can’t have another one.
[ to make it more meaningful? to make keith less punishing to himself? would that help? ]
[ keith does, in fact, pull his arms free but only to put his hands back on shiro's shoulders. the conversation isn't an easy one to have, and a need to move and fidget makes going back to the massage he was originally supposed to give easier than sitting still.
he squeezes broad shoulders, staying quiet as he mulls over the suggestion of a do-over. the simplicity of it is almost funny, but more than that it pulls at all kinds of heartstrings. life doesn't present second chances often, but shiro -- shiro has always given him so many.
at least, up to a point. it remains to be seen what exactly will come of the distance that's crept into the friendship he had with the shiro from his own reality. maybe it won't even come to be seen. the reality keith has known feels like a lifetime ago, and it doesn't look like keith is due to find a way back to it any time soon the question of whether he even wants to at this point is a separate matter entirely, and not one that he's ready to beat himself down over.
in a lot of ways, the relationship he's built up with this shiro feels like a do-over... though, keith frowns and dismisses the thought. the more he equates this shiro with the one from his world, the mor run down his soul feels. blinking back to the present. he puts both his hands over shoulder blades and manages a faintly amused tone. ]
You would say that, huh...
[ a beat, then swallowing through a tightness in his throat, keith mrmurs: ]
....is that something you really want? It's not just to humor me?
[ shiro still can’t read him. is it a bad thing that shiro is suggesting a do over? is that adding insult to injury? keith sounds amused, if only faintly, so shiro wants to believe he hasn’t set them up for failure, but hope can only deceive fear for so long, his confidence, once again, waning. so the massage hasn’t been accomplishing much of anything. if anything, shiro feels more tense than he did when he first sat down. keith with his hands at his shoulder blades and shiro with his hands at his own thighs, together they wait it out, both seemingly holding their breaths over what this moment is meant to become.
it’s not just to humor me?
it’s not the ideal reaction, but – it’s okay. it’s workable. what is not, however, is that he’s played by keith’s rules too long. this feels like an opening and one that shiro is quick to take as he finally gives up on allowing keith all that space. he twists around, careful and slow, knee knocking to the edge of the bed as he half-turns in his seat. ]
No. [ there he is, looking a little small and looking a lot miserable. shiro’s heart gives a pained lurch in his chest, eyes soft under a furrowed brow. ] I’m not humoring you.
[ this bed is atrocious. it’s narrow and flimsy, the springs creaking with too much weight. so there’s a bit of a racket when shiro moves again, this time climbing up on the bed – the cot, more like – to settle beside keith, facing him with legs tucked underneath himself. ]
I want this for us.
[ he has half a mind to simply pluck that boy up and drag him into his lap, to hug him tight and steady until that frown clears. he reaches for his hand instead, catching it between a layering of both of his own, squeezing gently. ]
So will you do that for me? [ voice sweet, smile sweeter. ] Will you make love to me again?
[ shiro starts moving, and of course, keith watches his boy get settled. the conversation should have started this way from the beginning really, with them face-to-face because there's nothing in the universe quite like the gentleness of shiro's smile for keith to wonder if he is overthinking.
there's no doubt that porn prison has warped the natural course of their friendship, just as there's no doubt that the war back home has fundamentally shattered keith's confidence in recognizing anything seriously amiss with his best friend. whether he truly deserves to be forgiven for the latter is likely going to be a perpetual dark spot in his soul, but one thing is becoming clear..
this shiro, the one sitting in front of him, holding his hand, doesn't deserve to be dragged into keith's self-flagellation. this shiro is his shiro, and despite the miserable circumstances behind the last time they slept together, shiro is willing to put his trust in keith another time.
overcome with the enormity of the moment, keith can't quite put words to what he's feeling. his expression softens, his smile small but brightening up his eyes with fierce adoration reserved for his boyfriend. he swallows through the lump in his throat as he holds shiro's hand tighter and leans forward. ]
Of course, I will. I want to. I mean, all I wanted was to take care of you, like you always do for me.
[ he huffs, gaze dropping to thir hands as he turns momentarily shy. ]
... I hate that it got so messed up.
[ a beat, then keith peeks up through a curtain of hair. ]
So I want to because it's been so long since we felt good together. [ a breath. ] ... but maybe I want to save something special like that for when we're properly settled and safe. [ another beat, then keith laughs. ] Is that weird? Am I overthinking again?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
/kicks the universe another time
but words are easy, actions are not. if shiro truly wants them to be together, then this past week of intangible distance shouldn't have happened. the contradiction picks and picks away at the back of keith's skull until doubt dims the warmth of his adoration. ]
But you were mad at me, right? For what I did to you?
[ rape, that is. the sole reason keith avoids using the ugly word again is down to the intensity of shiro's reaction the first time. ]
I... I don't know how to make things right, Shiro.
IT'S OKAY THO. in a few days...
they’ll talk about this again, he knows. once keith is clear-headed. once neither of them are stripped down in a horridly uncertain situation. and once they’re free of the overreaching danger of being discovered and subsequently punished. maybe then it won’t be such a battle for shiro to convince keith that his intentions are genuine. for now, though, he tries his best to settle keith just enough to put a crack in that doubt.
and the quickest way to do that? he leans down and takes a kiss from his mouth, resting solid and resting heavy, to make keith really feel the weight of everything shiro is feeling. no open mouth and no tongue, just a firm meeting of their lips as shiro holds and holds, breaking away after a few, long beats. ]
I’m not mad. [ wait. that’s not entirely true. ] Not at you.
[ better. he sighs again, still keeping all points of contact between them. ]
I’m mad that I’m an idiot when it comes to you.
[ he used to be so much better at this. oddly enough, he was better at managing their relationship when they hardly had one; back in the garrison days, when he was diligently working at gaining this disgruntled kid’s trust. now… sometimes shiro truly believes that everything that’s happened to him has damaged him beyond repair.
or maybe that’s a scapegoat. afterall, his track record for love isn’t stellar. can he honestly say that he was open and honest with adam in all aspects of their relationship, too? that he was always understanding and patient? for how readily available he makes himself to building people up when they need it, does he truly know how to love unconditionally? maybe not, he thinks… but he’s learning. he’s trying. he already loves this boy, he knows it, he feels it. he just… needs to love him better.
god, even in the privacy of his own head, that sounds stupid enough for him to be embarrassed by it. it’s true, though. keith is it for him and one day, shiro is going to make him believe it. ]
I know I haven’t given you enough reason to believe me, but try to, baby. I love you.
MANN HOW HAS IT BEEN MONTHS...
shiro loves him -- that's what keith has to focus on. it still doesn't process quite right though, because the difference between the euphoria he'd felt that first time he heard shiro say those words and the misery he feels now may as well be a chasm. perhaps the issue is as simple as not knowing what it's like to truly feel loved by shiro. that first high was spun out of control by potpourri, and this low isn't free of chemical influence either.
expression crumpling, keith takes a deep stabilizing breath and recomposes. ]
And I love you.
[ a beat. ]
But I still did things to you that you didn't want and it made you change. Even if you still love me, it's different, isn't it? This place used me to hurt you and I'm not safe for you to be around.
holy crap, it really has been months LOL
and that is precisely why they can’t stay here. shiro thinks it, but he doesn’t say it. not again. they keep doing this; rounding back to the same arguments, seemingly arguing for the sake of it because neither of them can be swayed from their positions. once more, shiro wonders if this is how keith has felt every time shiro has talked himself down, too deep in his own self-reprimand that even the kindest words can’t pull him free.
perhaps it’s time for a refresher on that. ]
I'm not safe for you to be around, either.
[ and the most damning part about that? shiro can’t attribute all of it to this place as keith can. remember the simulator? remember half an hour ago? a lot of it has been the fault of this god awful place, that’s true, but shiro’s weapon of choice is very much attached to him. it will always be with him. and when he’s perpetually on a trigger with no certain idea of what will set him off on a panic attack… who’s to say he won’t go blind and deaf to reality again? what if he gets stuck in his head and he attacks keith again? what if, next time, he uses his arm as more than a threat?
and hell, even when he’s trying to help him, he still hurts him.
that is a lot of what ifs. he’s been afraid of what ifs for a long time, so often creating a cage for himself to measure and restrain his own wants and needs in order to maintain some illusion of control. he thought he could live that. he was committed to living like that, but…
keith. keith has been challenging him from the very beginning, coaxing him over and over to reevaluate what he’s deemed acceptable for himself. ]
I changed long before any of this… but you love me in spite of that.
[ again, he swipes his fingers along keith’s face, pushing hair aside and mapping, slowly, the shape of his temple to cheek to jaw. ]
I love you. The only thing about that that has changed is that I am in love with you. And now that I am, it will never change again.
/o\
but life isn't so simple. after all, it isn't just in this messed up prison that keith's love of shiro has been warped to some other cruel end. it's back home, too, where keith being too blind to see the truth of what happened to his best friend has hurt him -- hurt them, perhaps irreparably. keith certainly has the scars to show for it.
and now what? because shiro cares -- loves him enough not to abandon him on a bondage rig to be displayed for public use, shiro has to suffer the consequences of destroying the sentries that keith couldn't finish off in the first place?
is love supposed to trap people in cycles of mutual pain and suffering? or is it simply something about keith that drags shiro down -- not just in his home reality, but every reality? the question hurts his head, compounding the dull throb at the base of his skull, and suddenly keith is more tired than he's ever felt in his life.
struggling through the disorientation of the drugs that want him lying flat and spread on the bed, keith slowly sits himself up and settles with his head pressed to the wall. ]
... and I love you. More than I could ever love anyone else in this whole universe.
[ the smile he manages is weak, and holds only for a beat before it falls away for something hollow. ]
But maybe..... maybe that's not such a good thing. If we keep hurting each other... [ he pauses, swallowing hard through the tightness in his throat. ] Maybe we're just not good for each other. I'm tired, Shiro. I'm so tired of messing things up with you. I- I just don't know what I'm doing anymore.
i'm still gutted over keith's thoughts ._.
fuck.
eventually, keith begins to move. shiro is right there to help with gentle hands, his touch staying even as keith finds support against the wall. the pressure of his hands becomes even softer, sweeter when keith reaffirms what shiro already knows and already treasures. i love you. thumbs brush for a stroke and then backtrack for a caress, that small, semi-weak smile drawing a sunnier one from shiro himself, like he’s trying to encourage keith into gifting him a wider one.
maybe we’re just not good for each other.
the smile turns static and brittle, souring right off of his face as shock has lips parting and eyes widening. the caresses stop, too. abruptly, he lets go, hands hovering over their placements for an extended beat before shiro pulls them back toward himself. confusion takes over quickly, his expression turned lost and uncertain, brow furrowed so harshly that he develops deep lines.
what? that’s the one resounding thought that dominates his brain, everything in him searching for an answer, only to come up completely empty. how did it come to this so quickly? he can’t say the concept of them being better off not romantically involved is entirely out of left field, but from keith it is. keith is the one who fights so hard to keep them together, not just here, but back in their own realities. keith is the one who doesn’t know how to give up on them. keith is the one who is supposed to chase after shiro, not walk away from him.
fuck, that last one is a bit cruel, isn’t it? maybe shiro really is bad for keith if he can formulate such a selfish expectation. relationships are meant to be balanced. equal. can shiro honestly say he’s shown keith as much love, respect, and consideration that keith has shown him time and time again? ]
No. [ he can’t. but also, no, he isn’t going to let that be the summation of their relationship. shiro can change; he has changed. the time of walking away has long passed. they’re in too deep. shiro is in too deep. ] You are not giving up on us.
[ reaching across, he takes keith’s hands in his, squeezing with meaning. ]
We overcome everything thrown at us, because we're stronger together. I don't want… [ a slight pause, his expression hardening with determination. ] I refuse to give up on what we have. Life is made better by you being in it, by being able to love you, so please… [ he squeezes again, giving his captured hands a little shake. ] … don’t let this defeat us.
shhh, he'll be fine. eventally
maybe it has nothing to do with anything physical. it takes so little of shiro's distress for keith to be moved into action, even if he has no idea what the hell action he ought to take.]
I don't like this either, Shiro. In my wildest dreams, I never thought I'd become a paladin and help people across the universe live free. I never thought I'd get to meet my mom or - or meet so many other incredible people. But even with all that, you're the most important thing that's ever happened to me and I think no matter what happens, I'll always be yours.
[ keith huffs, managing yet another small smile as he gives their clasped hands a long look. ]
And the fact that I got to call you mine, even for a little while, feels like the most amazing thing I've ever done. Crazy, huh? Flying in a sentient lion at faster-than-light speed doesn't even come close to making me feel as good as getting to hold your hand or seeing your smile when I call you babe.
[ with his voice threatening to crack, krith closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. willing himself to stay level, he squeezes shiro's hands and keeps his voice soft and low. ]
...but deep down, I think you know I'm not good for you. I can't think straight when it comes to you, and it always leads to hurting you, even though that's the last thing I fucking want. That's why you kept your distance, right? To protect yourself? So just... keep doing it. I can't run. I can't fight. But you can. There's no reason that you should get caught and punished by the warden. Let me just take the fall.
it's been three years of hating that word. i continue to hate it.
but they do, because shiro can’t bring himself to shush keith. he’s a glutton for things like you’re the most important thing that’s ever happened to me and i’ll always be yours and i got to call you mine. got to? get to. the warning bells grow a little louder in the wake of that, but he still can’t stop him, simply sitting there as he waits for the other shoe to drop.
and it does.
funnily enough, keith has it wrong. i think you know i’m no good for you. funnily enough, shiro is one of the few who has never thought that. he’s been warned many times, though. the facility of a junior high years ago when he showed interest. the disciplinary office personnel when he vouched yet again. a certain commander of galaxy garrison when he started toeing the line of mentorship. a cadet speaking far too candidly when shiro began to fail at curbing his favoritism. a neglected fiancé when he returned from yet another hoverbike outing. even a few paladins have grumbled in the aftermath of a disagreement. but shiro? no. never. shiro has never been able to be convinced away from keith by anyone and he isn’t about to start listening about his apparent blindspot, even when the warnings come from keith directly.
it may have worked in the beginning of their captivity, when shiro was looking for support and reason to keep distance. see, he tried to stay away here at prison, not due to believing keith to be no good for him, but because he’s too good. too precious. too essential to shiro’s stability and happiness as a whole, that he’s been afraid to damage any part of their friendship.
but they’re beyond that now. if anything, parting now, under these circumstances, would ensure what shiro has tried to avoid: the destruction of their friendship.
that’s why you kept your distance, right?
to protect yourself?
he’s begun shaking his head, slowly at first with a disbelief that keeps him unblinking and staring.
i can’t run.
i can’t fight.
the shaking picks up.
let me just take the fall.
this absolute imbecile. shock stills his tongue, but horror shakes him loose, right onto a spike in exasperation that leaves him frustrated and panicked, two emotions that loosen his tongue. he’s one breath away from calling this idiot boy exactly that, but as impeccable timing goes, it’s at that precise moment that there’s a crash downstairs, followed by the unmistakable clatter of mechanical parts lugging around. it seems their time has run out. ]
Fuck. [ he squeezes hard at keith’s hands, momentarily defeated by their inevitable discovery and so, helplessly trying to siphon off as much strength as he can off of their connection. he composes himself as best he can and then shakes his head, drawing a breath before pulling his hands from keith’s to cup his face, encouraging him to look at him. ]
I am not abandoning you. [ it’s said firmly, nothing in his tone allowing for an argument. ] It’s you and me ‘til the end.
[ and then he steals a kiss. one, two, and suddenly, there’s a flash of light in the room. adrenaline has him ripping away from keith and standing up, turned and already poised for a fight when his gaze lands on – ]
Holy shit, am I glad to see you.
[ the space wolf is standing there, eyes swiveling from shiro to keith, and once there, they don’t stray again as the animal immediately clamors closer, nearly knocking shiro out of the way as he hops up on the bed. keith has told him time and time again that the space wolf is an intelligent being. admittedly, shiro has witnessed the intelligence himself, but here is the first time that he really sees how meticulous and understanding the animal is as he carefully moves around keith, sniffing and looking him over, as if cataloguing everything that is different about his friend. ]
He’s been drugged. We need to get him out of here. [ that doesn’t make the space wolf move any faster, not when those yellowed eyes are now on the burn of keith’s leg. shiro grimaces and then shrinks under the gaze that snaps up, settling on him. ] I know, I’m sorry… but please, you can take him somewhere safe.
no subject
it isn't, of course, because reparacija by nature stands to benefit more from repeated violations of their bodies than it does their deaths, but the prospect of being strung up on that stage pumped full of mind-melting aphrodisiac to drown out the outrage of their abuse isn't much of a consolation.
shiro could still escape that imminent punishment perhaps he can't avoid the indignity of porn prison indefinitely, considering the way misconducts are issued, but at least he wouldn't have to suffer more than he already has for this one day.
before keith can articulate any of that, there's a familiar flash of light and a space wolf sidling up close to come look him over. despite the horrid state keith is in, it's impossible not to smile when his wolf friend sniffs at his face. keith has always been amazed by how smart and expressive the space wolf is, making his displeasure with the angry burn perfectly known. shiro's apology earns a disapproving whuffle, which keith tries to ease away with a gentle rub at his neck.]
It's okay, buddy. It was just an accident. We have to get away from here.
[ the wolf shifts his gaze to keith, head tilted skeptically as if trying to work out what possible chain of events led up toshiro missing his pants, a burn on keith's leg and a stampede of sentries donstairs, but quickly lets out a second discontented whuffle.
edging forward, the space wolf gets his teeth on shiro's metal arm while keeping a paw on keith's foot. before anyone gets to complain about it, the worn down bedroom disappears in a flash of light, and the trio reappear at the northeastern section of the prison where the prison yard meets the barrier. ]
Woah...
[ freshly dsoriented, keith blinks then shakily gets to his knees. the wolf meanwhile has yet to release shiro's metal hand and tugs very insistently to direct his attention towards a sizable crawlspace in the barrier through which the world beyond the prison walls can be seen. far from anything idlyllic, their first glimpse at freedom on this planet looks like an abandoned, torn up parkin lot.
following the wolf's direction, keith hunkers down, gasps then nervously looks up to shiro. ]
Could be dangerous out there, Shiro....
[ the little reconnaissance they've been able to do with the space wolf's assistance hadn't exactly pointed to anything habitable, but who knows what this planet could be beyond the immediate prison perimeter? at the very least, between them they really ought to havea. full set of clothes and shoes. ]
no subject
woah.
shiro looks to keith, heart lurching and feet already stumbling to cross the little distance… but then he’s being tugged by the hand and – what? shiro sends an exasperated look at the space wolf and then beyond him when he’s rebuffed with another tug.
there’s an opening.
more specifically, there’s an opening in the fence that they can fit through.
freedom. this is what they’ve wanted for so long, that now that it’s right there, shiro is, oddly, struck with a temporary sense of paralysis. could be dangerous? yeah. they used to know what they were in for. as unpredictable as the prison could be, there was some semblance of order that made life manageable. now though… it’s deteriorated into something else. so – dangerous out there? ]
Probably is, but we’ve got a better chance out there than we do in here.
[ he moves to make a gesture with his hands, only to find that, right, he’s still a chew toy. he tugs experimentally. dude, let go…? shiro frowns at the space wolf, even as he compliments: ]
The wolf and I are tough, though, right boy? [ another tug and this time, the space wolf lets go after a mouth full of woof. shiro extends and curls his metal fingers, ensuring that, no, pointy space wolf teeth did not tweak any panels or gears. he steps closer then, dropping into a crouch beside keith. ] We’ll handle everything until you get your bearings back.
[ a pause, expression tightening with concern and a tentativeness that seeps into his voice. ]
Though… I need you to do one thing for me first. [ command the space wolf to zap to his cube and gather together two full outfits for them both? who knows how much time they actually have. minutes? seconds? the sooner they’re out, the safer they’ll be. probably better they aren’t running around in prison garb anyway. ] Think you can crawl through on your own?
[ because it’s rather narrow, even for one person. through the fence and to an abysmal slab of asphalt; the building that borders it is similarly empty, at least it appears so from this angle. all is quiet, and shiro wishes to say that it's comforting to think that no one will be privy to them shimmying through a break in the parameter, but it’s almost as alarming to believe that it can be that easy. ]
( ooc: so i don't forget: the parking lot )
no subject
it's just... so sudden and seemingly so easy.
frowning, keith glances through the hole in the barrier to look at the uninviting, abandoned landscape beyond the prison walls. perhaps it won't be so easy once they're out there without any supplies and without a full set of clothes between them, but as his gaze shifts back to shiro, keith finds himself nodding.
if shiro wants to do this, then keith isn't about to be the one to stop him. after all, shiro's been in this place before, hasn't he? escaping from alien imprisonment with an uncertain future lying in wait had to have been terrifying, but shiro doesn't seem nervous here at all. his best friend has always been brave in the face of the unknown,, huh... ]
Yeah. Just wish we had some supplies.
[ hurriedly quashing a surge in feeling, keith tips forward onto his hands and knees and starts to crawl through the narrow space. no questions asked, no more doubts raised -- just unshakily forward. the crawlspace itself is narrow, but isn't more than a foot long. pushing through the deadweight of his limbs, keith crawls through as fast as he can, emerging on the other side of the opaque barrier with a disoriented blink as he dusts off his hands and knees. the asphalt beneath his feet is in dire need of maintenance, and so is the nearest structure in the distance. keith stares, the eerie unnatural silence of the world thick in his ears, then quickly shuffles to the side to make room for shiro and the wolf.
keith doesn't dare say a word, like breaking the silence might cause something out there to stir, but with his heart hammering away in his chest, he remains tense and unable to relax until both shiro and the wolf make it through. ]
C'mon, c'mon, c'mon..
[ he mouths the words silently as two ticks pass by with no sign of either shiro or the wolf. the opacity of the barrier works against him here, with panic threatening to overtake until shiro squeezes his way through the tight fit. keith finally exhales, hurriedly reaching to take shiro's hand, but then: ]
...where's the wolf?
[ but perhaps he needn't have worried. another moment and the wolf pushes a satchel stuffed with instant noodles and a hodgepodge of clothes through and emerges on the other side. the wolf gives himself a vigorous shake and trots over to keith's side for a nuzzle.
they're far from being free. reparacija is a foot away, after all. but standing on the other side of the barrier for the first time with shiro and the wolf is almost overwhelming anyway. keith looks from one to the other, disbelief written on his face before he simply says: ]
...Wow.
no subject
lube– there are a number of things that shiro would have packed tightly into a backpack if he’d awoken this morning with any indication that today would be the day they slipped free. as it is, shiro is tragically unprepared, to the point that it is grimly amusing in its utter ludicrousness. he has nothing at his disposal. he doesn’t even have clothes. completely bare and completely exposed, the only usefulness he brings to this escape is the strength of his body. knowing that, shiro is quick to prove that by following hot on keith’s heels. through the fence and to the other side, shiro tries to keep a level-head – because that is also something he can provide if he focuses – but no, he’s failing on that front, too. he should be keeping surveillance. immediately, he should be taking stock of their surroundings more than a too quick glance around.see, shiro’s distraction is that keith is on his feet. shiro, who is perpetually on edge when it comes to keith’s wellbeing, finds himself watching his boyfriend instead. he’s fine. he’s stable. he isn’t swaying or tumbling over. shiro doesn’t need to be tense, ready to spring into action for a catch. still, let it be known that he has yet to let go of keith’s hand.
where’s the wolf?
the what – oh. shiro glances to the torn fence, opening his mouth for a defaulted he’s coming, don’t worry that he hopes is actually true, only to snap his lps together over a click of his teeth when a blue hairball squeezes through. it is at that moment that shiro releases keith’s hand, partly due to the space wolf crowding keith and, in no uncertain terms, making it known that this is his human to look after, mr.-leg-burner. the other partly has to do with the satchel of goodies. food and clothes, that’s two things off the list, the latter especially welcome as shiro digs through to pull on pants, boots and the first shirt he happens to grab.
which, as luck would have it, is actually keith’s. it stretches, but it’s definitely a fitted tank now.
wow.
no, keith is not talking about shiro. shiro slings the satchel’s strap over his head and around an arm, securing it to rest across his body. a chunk of broken asphalt crunches under his boot with his first step and those blue ears flick toward him, furry face turning toward him in the next beat. shiro musters a smile and it must be adequate enough, because he’s allowed to sidle in close to their favorite boy. he touches keith’s shoulder with tempered gentleness, the rush needed for the seriousness of their situation momentarily absent. ]
I’ll give you a better sightseeing tour. [ he quirks a smile and then crouches down, indicating for keith to drape over his back. ] Climb aboard.
[ and after being especially careful in the placement of keith’s burn as he lifts his precious cargo, they’re off. the space wolf trots ahead, playing leader. shiro doesn’t mind at all. he imagines a celestial being like the wolf has more finely tuned senses that he can't even begin to understand, meaning it’s likely safer to trust those instincts and faculties than it is for shiro to pick a direction and hope for the best. across cracked streets, through abandoned neighborhoods and further still, to bypass buildings that are as eerily quiet as everything else has been, the trio walk and walk and walk.
shiro loses track of time. the more distance they cover, the better, so he voices no complaints, even as his lower back aches and his arms strain. keith says something about putting him down at one point, that he’s fine and he can walk on his own, but shiro counters that having keith wrapped around him is the highest form of motivation to keep moving. the protests are quiet after that.
they’re losing light by the time they find a place. they’ve been off the road for a good while now, but until recently, they’d been parallel to it. now, they’re something close to a mile perpendicular to it. the space wolf has, periodically been zapping here and there, seemingly scouting ahead to adjust their trajectory and so, he must’ve found this shack during one of those jumps. it isn’t great, but it’s better than huddling together tonight, out in the open.
the door takes some shouldering – after setting keith down – and then they’re inside, promptly taking over what shiro hopes is an abandoned would-be shelter. time lapses with chores after that: taking inventory of both the room and the satchel, mostly, though shiro does leave for a short while, to check the perimeter and familiarize himself with an exit strategy if the worst happens. he comes back to keith and the space wolf settled in, the stove unlit due to an agreement that it’d be safer to keep a low profile. which means they’ll be getting cozy tonight.
usually, the thought would have him smiling, but after the turmoil of their last intimacy, hesitance plagues his confidence. ]
Looks good out there. [ he pulls the door shut, the desk lamp providing enough light that keith is bathed in a soft glow. ] We should keep moving tomorrow and put more distance between us and the prison, but I think we’ll be okay here for a few hours of shut eye. [ and even though he asked earlier, he asks again: ] How are you feeling?
no subject
not that thinking this way accelerates the elimination of unknown drugs from his system, but there's something profound about the idea that this could be the last time they're ever hurt or abused in this way. from here on out, their lives could be fully back in their hands. no more random aphrodisiacs, no more flying rocket dildos, just ... a whole lot of silence in a desolate world.
but it's their world for now, and the future is at least something they can navigate together as a team. it's kind of breathtaking and exhausting to stare at all the fucked up things that were routinely part of their lives that are potentially part of a closed chapter. his head gets lost in thoughts like that while his body gently rocks in time with shiro's movements. hell, he might've even drifted off at some pointt, only to blink back into wakefulness a few ticks later.
keeping track of anything important is difficult while there's still fog in his head, but keith trie sanyway up to the point where the wolf and shiro decide to take shelter in a shack.mercifully, walking is a little easier when he's placed back down on his feet, and by the time they've figured out what resources they have available and shiro goes for his perimeter check, keith settles on the edge of the bed and opens up a prison branded "cock in a sock" sausage snack for the wolf to eat. again, the fact that this had all been entirely normal feels entirel unreal.
his brow stays furrwed by the time shiro returns, though he looks up with a half smile. ]
I feel...
[ good. the answer is good. nice and simple, then they can just ove on without getting embroiled in an emotional minefield, right? giving the wolf
a final pet around the ears, keith drops the sausage to the floor and heaves a deeper breath. ]
...I feel like I should be asking you that question. You were carrying me for a while. You gotta be pretty sore, right? Let me at least rub your back and shoulders.
no subject
wait.
back it up.
say that again.
the shaking comes to an abrupt stop, his head slightly off-center so that he isn’t facing keith directly. a hard blink, as if recalibrating, and then he jerks his head back to the midline, eyes a little wider, a little fuller, a little spark of hope making them brighter. ]
Oh.
[ there’s a swift, mental kick to reset his slow as molasse brain. ]
Yeah. [ quicker now. ] Excruciatingly sore. [ and uplifted, too. hope makes him sound more present in the moment. happier. his confidence is yet to fully recover, but the next steps he take aren’t as tentative as before. there’s a surety to the way he walks to the bed and sits down a small space away, smile close to teasing. ] You might have to work on me for awhile.
no subject
That's okay. I don't mind.
[ with how long shiro had been carrying him, keith wouldn't have complained about paying him back with a lengthy massage anyway. so with shiro seated on the edge of the bed, keith crawls up on top of the sheets and takes his spot kneeling behind shiro's back.
keith gets one hand on shiro's shoulder, then the other, and heaves a deep breath as he squeezes, slowly working his way close to the midline where he carefully presses his thumbs into the tight spaces between vertebrae. it's no surprise that working out the little knots in shiro's muscles is oddly relaxing -- touching shiro has been soothing for as long as keith can remember, even before things between them became far more sexual in nature.
but that's part of what's confusing, too. porn prison has normalized a lot of messed up things, but it's also what led to them sleeping together n the first place. now that they don't have sentence sheets looming over their heads,what does that mean for the two of them now? can they even be a couple, much less a normal couple? how many other couples have dealt with aphrodisiac-fueled rape, anyway.....
smile fading fast, keith is at least comforted by the fact that shiro can't see his face, but even that's barely any consolation. shiro has made it plain that he doesn't want keith thinking of the last time they had sex in those terms, but the forgiveness still feels deeply unearned.
but despite being arguably unworthy, keith takes a deep breath, the slides his hands under shiro's arms to embrace him tightly from behind. eyes closed, keith presses his forehead to the nape of shiro's neck and murmurs quietly: ]
...I know bigger things are going on right now, so I'm sorry -- I just need to know. Now that we don't have sentence sheets or anything... are we.... done with all of that?
i feel like nothing happens in this tag l:
it isn’t just the hours of carrying keith on his back. shiro has knots upon knots from the routine taxation of his body, both from simply working out and from carrying a metal weight on his right. the prosthetic is heavy. it requires upper body strength, as well as a strong core, to keep the weight from continually pitching him to the right. stress is, of course, another factor that keeps him tense, too. so there is no shortage of sore muscle for keith to find with those lovely, glove enhanced hands of his.
it’s such a shame that it ends so soon.
arms slip around and in, wrapping at his torso. a squeeze brings keith’s closer and they’re there again: keith draped against his back. well, perhaps less draping and more hugging. shiro opens his eyes and looks down at the grasping of keith’s hands, soon bringing his left up to cover one of keith’s. his thumb picks up an almost automatic caress, back and forth, back and forth skimming knuckle as he watches for one beat, two, and then carefully turns his head. he doesn’t want to dislodge keith in any way, so he doesn’t crane as much as he can. just enough to manage a slight peek from the corner of his eyes.
he has a good idea of what keith is trying to say. sex. are they done with sex? but he can’t be entirely sure. maybe keith means a more specified abundance of kink. shiro also can’t be sure this doesn’t have to do with their conversation before the sentries showed up. so – ask, he tells himself. ]
That as in… sex?
shiro is thinking!!!
taking a steadying breath, keith allows himself to be soothed by the warmth of shiro's body before responding with: ]
... yeah.
[ pathetic, huh? trying to be a little less useless in conversation, keith lets out a second breath and continues. ]
Or anything else? Prison started a lot of things between us, and now that none of it needs to happen anymore, I guess I just wanna know what you're choosing to do with that. [ a beat. ] ... With us.
and now keith is thinking, but thinking stupidly
Keith…
[ he gives up on trying to look at the boy huddled behind him, so clearly determined to conduct this conversation not face to face. so shiro’s option is to look forward and take a breath. moment spent, he then huffs, dropping his head back to knock it against keith, who is still very much hiding in his nape. ]
You bonehead.
[ it’s a different tactic. a different approach. keith barely listened to him when he was sweet voiced and gentle; that isn’t to say he’s harsher here. just… flippant with a tease, the trace of a smile apparent in his voice as he fondly chastises. ]
Breaking outta prison doesn’t mean we’re breaking up, too. [ the caressing comes to a pause, his hand stilling to blanket keith’s instead. he squeezes there and then reaches high and back with his right, metal finding keith to cup the side of his head. ]
I told you I love you. [ and that he wanted keith to figure out a way for them to be together; to stay together, remember? ] I’d like to keep dating you… but only if that’s what you want as well.
..... listen.
perhaps after everything that's been said, it's arguably overkill in keit's part to stop, check, and re-check, but it's only because shiro matters. is that so wrong? he huffs his indignation loudly, pouting intensely at shiro's nape, but keeps a more snappy retort to himself when shiro pretzels and gets a hand in his hair. ]
Of course, I want to date you.
[ grumbled and somewhat indignant, keith fails to keep the pout out of his voice. ]
It's just -- listen. I've never had a boyfriend before you. I've never wanted one before you. And I don't know what normal dating is like either, but I assume sentence sheets and porn prison drugs forcing unwanted sex don't usually factor into the typical boyfriend deal.So just -- stop laughing at me and help me work this out.
stop questioning, daddy, keef
You’re right. I’m sorry.
[ that pout is, indeed, very apparent in keith’s voice however, so shiro doesn’t quite nail the apology. maybe it’s the high of freedom or maybe it’s a consequence of having keith pressed against him, pouty little snuffles tickling the bareness of his nape. whatever the reason, shiro feels light, like the brunt of their worries are behind them for the time being and that they, for once, can breathe easy. so he’s basking in it, soaking it up as he squeezes keith’s hand and tugs, gently at his hair, holding position a moment longer before releasing at his right and lifting his head off of keith’s.
he shakes his head then, keeping his gaze forward and not once looking back. ]
You talk about prison as a detriment to our relationship. [ shiro did too. in the beginning, he had been starkly against sharing sentence sheets, fully convinced that overstepping the solid lines of their friendship would ultimately damage it. ] And trust me, I get it. There is so much to unpack that I don’t even know where to start. [ a huffed breath, grimly amused. ] I’m still trying to make peace with my first prison sentence.
[ … okay, that joke falls flat. he clears his throat, not pausing long enough to let that fester into something else. ]
The point I’m trying to make is that… no, that wasn’t normal dating.
[ entirely unconventional from every angle. sometimes, shiro wonders what it would have been like to realize his affections back in his universe. would it have been better to develop feelings in the midst of a war? with a different keith? there is no clear answer to that. and maybe there doesn’t need to be, because maybe he shouldn’t be comparing any of this to what-ifs and maybes. that’s what he did with the loss of his virginity this past week and look where that got them. their relationship developed the way it did and there’s nothing he can confidently say he’d like to be different about that, because… because… ]
But we came together and grew closer despite everything working to ruin us. That’s why I laugh… because it feels so obvious now. I don’t doubt as I once did… I’m pretty dead set on you, Keith.
no daddy while the woof is eating :/
[ how the hell does shiro just casually bring up his time as a galra prisoner, make an alarming joke out of it then expect keith to simply roll with the punches without flinching or grimacing? true, this isn't the first time shiro has done something like that, but every time leaves keith mentally reeling. it's doubtful that the intention is to invalidate what keith is struggling with, but it's more or less the result.
in essence, keith goes quiet, feeling neither fully reassured nor like arguing. what is there to further say? shiro is apparently dead-set which leaves keith as the only one with questions by default. truthfully, that feeling is unsettling in it own right because it's impossible to explain what his doubt is centered around when shiro repeatedly refutes its premise.
shiro knows what he wants. so why isn't that good enough? ]
.... I guess it's just me then.
[ his voice is quiet, followed by a soft wispy huff that could almost be a laugh. ]
Just me holding onto something you're not even mad at me for.
[ another almost laughs, then keith frowns and loosens his arms. ]
It only gets weirder the longer I think about it. The first time we fucked for real and I had no idea who was taking my virginity, I considered taking some aphro beforehand -- y'know, just to take the nerves away. So it's not even like I think doing that with someone has to be something meaningful? So I'm just being a hypocrite.
kosmo better eat faster then
keith’s breath plays against his skin and for a moment, shiro’s mind goes blank, hairs rising on the verge of a shiver –
just me holding onto something you’re not even mad at me for.
– and then he forgets how to breathe. not from anticipation, not from pleasure; that tantalizing tease of whispered breath is bulldozed over by a sickening drop in the pit of his stomach. oh. oh. it truly is about that. are they ever going to get past that?
shiro doesn’t fight keith as he loosens his arms. he should, maybe, but he’s careful with keith to the point of defeat, left hand lifting off of keith’s so he can take it back if he wishes to. with both hands now empty, shiro places them on his thighs and grimaces through that agitated, lost feeling as he listens, processes, and listens some more. it’s all a bit jumbled. he’s trying to follow the links between keith’s points, only to conclude that the underlying message here is: first times and meaningful connections.
at least, he isn’t throwing around rape again. the inner confines of shiro’s chest curdles at the very memory.
and so, it takes him a moment. then two, three, closer to ten. he wets his lips and thinks, hoping for a solution, but not entirely confident that he knows how to find one anymore. in the end, he keeps his back to keith and looks to his lap, fingers pressing into the firmness of his quads. ]
You know… we had a do over of our first time together.
[ he turns his head just slightly, still not looking over his shoulder, but speaking more directly to keith. ]
I don’t see why we can’t have another one.
[ to make it more meaningful? to make keith less punishing to himself? would that help? ]
kosmo will lol wolf down his snack ....
he squeezes broad shoulders, staying quiet as he mulls over the suggestion of a do-over. the simplicity of it is almost funny, but more than that it pulls at all kinds of heartstrings. life doesn't present second chances often, but shiro -- shiro has always given him so many.
at least, up to a point. it remains to be seen what exactly will come of the distance that's crept into the friendship he had with the shiro from his own reality. maybe it won't even come to be seen. the reality keith has known feels like a lifetime ago, and it doesn't look like keith is due to find a way back to it any time soon the question of whether he even wants to at this point is a separate matter entirely, and not one that he's ready to beat himself down over.
in a lot of ways, the relationship he's built up with this shiro feels like a do-over... though, keith frowns and dismisses the thought. the more he equates this shiro with the one from his world, the mor run down his soul feels. blinking back to the present. he puts both his hands over shoulder blades and manages a faintly amused tone. ]
You would say that, huh...
[ a beat, then swallowing through a tightness in his throat, keith mrmurs: ]
....is that something you really want? It's not just to humor me?
... THAT WAS SUCH A SHIRO JOKE
it’s not just to humor me?
it’s not the ideal reaction, but – it’s okay. it’s workable. what is not, however, is that he’s played by keith’s rules too long. this feels like an opening and one that shiro is quick to take as he finally gives up on allowing keith all that space. he twists around, careful and slow, knee knocking to the edge of the bed as he half-turns in his seat. ]
No. [ there he is, looking a little small and looking a lot miserable. shiro’s heart gives a pained lurch in his chest, eyes soft under a furrowed brow. ] I’m not humoring you.
[ this bed is atrocious. it’s narrow and flimsy, the springs creaking with too much weight. so there’s a bit of a racket when shiro moves again, this time climbing up on the bed – the cot, more like – to settle beside keith, facing him with legs tucked underneath himself. ]
I want this for us.
[ he has half a mind to simply pluck that boy up and drag him into his lap, to hug him tight and steady until that frown clears. he reaches for his hand instead, catching it between a layering of both of his own, squeezing gently. ]
So will you do that for me? [ voice sweet, smile sweeter. ] Will you make love to me again?
I KNOW YOU LAUGHED.
there's no doubt that porn prison has warped the natural course of their friendship, just as there's no doubt that the war back home has fundamentally shattered keith's confidence in recognizing anything seriously amiss with his best friend. whether he truly deserves to be forgiven for the latter is likely going to be a perpetual dark spot in his soul, but one thing is becoming clear..
this shiro, the one sitting in front of him, holding his hand, doesn't deserve to be dragged into keith's self-flagellation. this shiro is his shiro, and despite the miserable circumstances behind the last time they slept together, shiro is willing to put his trust in keith another time.
overcome with the enormity of the moment, keith can't quite put words to what he's feeling. his expression softens, his smile small but brightening up his eyes with fierce adoration reserved for his boyfriend. he swallows through the lump in his throat as he holds shiro's hand tighter and leans forward. ]
Of course, I will. I want to. I mean, all I wanted was to take care of you, like you always do for me.
[ he huffs, gaze dropping to thir hands as he turns momentarily shy. ]
... I hate that it got so messed up.
[ a beat, then keith peeks up through a curtain of hair. ]
So I want to because it's been so long since we felt good together. [ a breath. ] ... but maybe I want to save something special like that for when we're properly settled and safe. [ another beat, then keith laughs. ] Is that weird? Am I overthinking again?
YOU CANNOT PROVE!!!!!!!!!!