[ that pout is, indeed, very apparent in keith’s voice however, so shiro doesn’t quite nail the apology. maybe it’s the high of freedom or maybe it’s a consequence of having keith pressed against him, pouty little snuffles tickling the bareness of his nape. whatever the reason, shiro feels light, like the brunt of their worries are behind them for the time being and that they, for once, can breathe easy. so he’s basking in it, soaking it up as he squeezes keith’s hand and tugs, gently at his hair, holding position a moment longer before releasing at his right and lifting his head off of keith’s.
he shakes his head then, keeping his gaze forward and not once looking back. ]
You talk about prison as a detriment to our relationship. [ shiro did too. in the beginning, he had been starkly against sharing sentence sheets, fully convinced that overstepping the solid lines of their friendship would ultimately damage it. ] And trust me, I get it. There is so much to unpack that I don’t even know where to start. [ a huffed breath, grimly amused. ] I’m still trying to make peace with my first prison sentence.
[ … okay, that joke falls flat. he clears his throat, not pausing long enough to let that fester into something else. ]
The point I’m trying to make is that… no, that wasn’t normal dating.
[ entirely unconventional from every angle. sometimes, shiro wonders what it would have been like to realize his affections back in his universe. would it have been better to develop feelings in the midst of a war? with a different keith? there is no clear answer to that. and maybe there doesn’t need to be, because maybe he shouldn’t be comparing any of this to what-ifs and maybes. that’s what he did with the loss of his virginity this past week and look where that got them. their relationship developed the way it did and there’s nothing he can confidently say he’d like to be different about that, because… because… ]
But we came together and grew closer despite everything working to ruin us. That’s why I laugh… because it feels so obvious now. I don’t doubt as I once did… I’m pretty dead set on you, Keith.
[ how the hell does shiro just casually bring up his time as a galra prisoner, make an alarming joke out of it then expect keith to simply roll with the punches without flinching or grimacing? true, this isn't the first time shiro has done something like that, but every time leaves keith mentally reeling. it's doubtful that the intention is to invalidate what keith is struggling with, but it's more or less the result.
in essence, keith goes quiet, feeling neither fully reassured nor like arguing. what is there to further say? shiro is apparently dead-set which leaves keith as the only one with questions by default. truthfully, that feeling is unsettling in it own right because it's impossible to explain what his doubt is centered around when shiro repeatedly refutes its premise.
shiro knows what he wants. so why isn't that good enough? ]
.... I guess it's just me then.
[ his voice is quiet, followed by a soft wispy huff that could almost be a laugh. ]
Just me holding onto something you're not even mad at me for.
[ another almost laughs, then keith frowns and loosens his arms. ]
It only gets weirder the longer I think about it. The first time we fucked for real and I had no idea who was taking my virginity, I considered taking some aphro beforehand -- y'know, just to take the nerves away. So it's not even like I think doing that with someone has to be something meaningful? So I'm just being a hypocrite.
[ fuck, that doesn’t sound right at all. it’s just me then. it truly is a depressing thought to realize that he is completely out of depth with keith. when did he become so shit at this? didn’t he used to be able to nip insecurity in the bud and stop the hemorrhaging of self-loathing and misery? earnest reassurances didn’t work. deliberately light teasing didn’t work. raw vulnerability and spilling the contents of his heart didn’t work. is there a way to set this right? or is it so far beyond salvaging that shiro can do little more than spinning his tires?
keith’s breath plays against his skin and for a moment, shiro’s mind goes blank, hairs rising on the verge of a shiver –
just me holding onto something you’re not even mad at me for.
– and then he forgets how to breathe. not from anticipation, not from pleasure; that tantalizing tease of whispered breath is bulldozed over by a sickening drop in the pit of his stomach. oh. oh. it truly is about that. are they ever going to get past that?
shiro doesn’t fight keith as he loosens his arms. he should, maybe, but he’s careful with keith to the point of defeat, left hand lifting off of keith’s so he can take it back if he wishes to. with both hands now empty, shiro places them on his thighs and grimaces through that agitated, lost feeling as he listens, processes, and listens some more. it’s all a bit jumbled. he’s trying to follow the links between keith’s points, only to conclude that the underlying message here is: first times and meaningful connections.
at least, he isn’t throwing around rape again. the inner confines of shiro’s chest curdles at the very memory.
and so, it takes him a moment. then two, three, closer to ten. he wets his lips and thinks, hoping for a solution, but not entirely confident that he knows how to find one anymore. in the end, he keeps his back to keith and looks to his lap, fingers pressing into the firmness of his quads. ]
You know… we had a do over of our first time together.
[ he turns his head just slightly, still not looking over his shoulder, but speaking more directly to keith. ]
I don’t see why we can’t have another one.
[ to make it more meaningful? to make keith less punishing to himself? would that help? ]
[ keith does, in fact, pull his arms free but only to put his hands back on shiro's shoulders. the conversation isn't an easy one to have, and a need to move and fidget makes going back to the massage he was originally supposed to give easier than sitting still.
he squeezes broad shoulders, staying quiet as he mulls over the suggestion of a do-over. the simplicity of it is almost funny, but more than that it pulls at all kinds of heartstrings. life doesn't present second chances often, but shiro -- shiro has always given him so many.
at least, up to a point. it remains to be seen what exactly will come of the distance that's crept into the friendship he had with the shiro from his own reality. maybe it won't even come to be seen. the reality keith has known feels like a lifetime ago, and it doesn't look like keith is due to find a way back to it any time soon the question of whether he even wants to at this point is a separate matter entirely, and not one that he's ready to beat himself down over.
in a lot of ways, the relationship he's built up with this shiro feels like a do-over... though, keith frowns and dismisses the thought. the more he equates this shiro with the one from his world, the mor run down his soul feels. blinking back to the present. he puts both his hands over shoulder blades and manages a faintly amused tone. ]
You would say that, huh...
[ a beat, then swallowing through a tightness in his throat, keith mrmurs: ]
....is that something you really want? It's not just to humor me?
[ shiro still can’t read him. is it a bad thing that shiro is suggesting a do over? is that adding insult to injury? keith sounds amused, if only faintly, so shiro wants to believe he hasn’t set them up for failure, but hope can only deceive fear for so long, his confidence, once again, waning. so the massage hasn’t been accomplishing much of anything. if anything, shiro feels more tense than he did when he first sat down. keith with his hands at his shoulder blades and shiro with his hands at his own thighs, together they wait it out, both seemingly holding their breaths over what this moment is meant to become.
it’s not just to humor me?
it’s not the ideal reaction, but – it’s okay. it’s workable. what is not, however, is that he’s played by keith’s rules too long. this feels like an opening and one that shiro is quick to take as he finally gives up on allowing keith all that space. he twists around, careful and slow, knee knocking to the edge of the bed as he half-turns in his seat. ]
No. [ there he is, looking a little small and looking a lot miserable. shiro’s heart gives a pained lurch in his chest, eyes soft under a furrowed brow. ] I’m not humoring you.
[ this bed is atrocious. it’s narrow and flimsy, the springs creaking with too much weight. so there’s a bit of a racket when shiro moves again, this time climbing up on the bed – the cot, more like – to settle beside keith, facing him with legs tucked underneath himself. ]
I want this for us.
[ he has half a mind to simply pluck that boy up and drag him into his lap, to hug him tight and steady until that frown clears. he reaches for his hand instead, catching it between a layering of both of his own, squeezing gently. ]
So will you do that for me? [ voice sweet, smile sweeter. ] Will you make love to me again?
[ shiro starts moving, and of course, keith watches his boy get settled. the conversation should have started this way from the beginning really, with them face-to-face because there's nothing in the universe quite like the gentleness of shiro's smile for keith to wonder if he is overthinking.
there's no doubt that porn prison has warped the natural course of their friendship, just as there's no doubt that the war back home has fundamentally shattered keith's confidence in recognizing anything seriously amiss with his best friend. whether he truly deserves to be forgiven for the latter is likely going to be a perpetual dark spot in his soul, but one thing is becoming clear..
this shiro, the one sitting in front of him, holding his hand, doesn't deserve to be dragged into keith's self-flagellation. this shiro is his shiro, and despite the miserable circumstances behind the last time they slept together, shiro is willing to put his trust in keith another time.
overcome with the enormity of the moment, keith can't quite put words to what he's feeling. his expression softens, his smile small but brightening up his eyes with fierce adoration reserved for his boyfriend. he swallows through the lump in his throat as he holds shiro's hand tighter and leans forward. ]
Of course, I will. I want to. I mean, all I wanted was to take care of you, like you always do for me.
[ he huffs, gaze dropping to thir hands as he turns momentarily shy. ]
... I hate that it got so messed up.
[ a beat, then keith peeks up through a curtain of hair. ]
So I want to because it's been so long since we felt good together. [ a breath. ] ... but maybe I want to save something special like that for when we're properly settled and safe. [ another beat, then keith laughs. ] Is that weird? Am I overthinking again?
[ it didn’t get so messed up. well, okay, the aftermath certainly did. as for the act itself, though? shiro has been focusing on the wrong things. he’s been putting too much emphasis on the where and when, rather than the actual important fact: his first time was with keith. shiro is just now beginning to understand keith’s hesitance for their relationship. see, none of it has been picturesque. there’s always been something unanticipated or unaccounted for, that has driven them together. so of course keith would wonder now, after a week of shiro fretting over things not going the way he once wanted them to. has any part of their relationship gone the way shiro would have wanted it to?
no and yes. for them, he wouldn’t have picked anonymous, jurassic dongs, sex bots, aphro influences or sentence sheets. as much as he has come to love keith, the truth of the matter is that their relationship is a byproduct of a horrific situation. and that’s fine. that doesn’t make what they have any less worthy of feeling or having. he doesn’t regret falling in love with keith, meaning that, by extension, he doesn’t regret all that’s happened in order to get them to this point. that is why, shiro is a stupid, stupid man for fretting so long and so uselessly over losing his last form of innocence to the man he wanted to lose it to anyway.
… but maybe i want to save something special like that for when we’re properly settled and safe.
and here shiro was ready to chuck off his pants for keith. once again, denied his choice of where and when to “lose it.” kidding. keith’s laugh draws one from shiro, smile coming easily. ]
No. [ a short shake of his head, gaze fond. ] You’re thinking about it in just the right way.
[ and now, he does what he ignored before: he gets his hands around keith, gathering him up to pull him into his lap. caging keith in with a gentle circling of his arms, shiro holds him steady as he dips his face in, pressing a quick kiss to that bang covering most of his boy’s forehead. ]
We’ll wait until we don’t have to worry about anything except making each other feel good.
[ off the bed and from the floor, there’s an approving woof. shiro glances toward the source, holding eye contact with the space wolf who has his partly gnawed cock in a sock sausage hanging from his jaws. the moment drags into another and then shiro abruptly laughs again. ]
I think your wolf friend would appreciate us waiting, too, especially if it means he won’t have to be in the same room as us.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
stop questioning, daddy, keef
You’re right. I’m sorry.
[ that pout is, indeed, very apparent in keith’s voice however, so shiro doesn’t quite nail the apology. maybe it’s the high of freedom or maybe it’s a consequence of having keith pressed against him, pouty little snuffles tickling the bareness of his nape. whatever the reason, shiro feels light, like the brunt of their worries are behind them for the time being and that they, for once, can breathe easy. so he’s basking in it, soaking it up as he squeezes keith’s hand and tugs, gently at his hair, holding position a moment longer before releasing at his right and lifting his head off of keith’s.
he shakes his head then, keeping his gaze forward and not once looking back. ]
You talk about prison as a detriment to our relationship. [ shiro did too. in the beginning, he had been starkly against sharing sentence sheets, fully convinced that overstepping the solid lines of their friendship would ultimately damage it. ] And trust me, I get it. There is so much to unpack that I don’t even know where to start. [ a huffed breath, grimly amused. ] I’m still trying to make peace with my first prison sentence.
[ … okay, that joke falls flat. he clears his throat, not pausing long enough to let that fester into something else. ]
The point I’m trying to make is that… no, that wasn’t normal dating.
[ entirely unconventional from every angle. sometimes, shiro wonders what it would have been like to realize his affections back in his universe. would it have been better to develop feelings in the midst of a war? with a different keith? there is no clear answer to that. and maybe there doesn’t need to be, because maybe he shouldn’t be comparing any of this to what-ifs and maybes. that’s what he did with the loss of his virginity this past week and look where that got them. their relationship developed the way it did and there’s nothing he can confidently say he’d like to be different about that, because… because… ]
But we came together and grew closer despite everything working to ruin us. That’s why I laugh… because it feels so obvious now. I don’t doubt as I once did… I’m pretty dead set on you, Keith.
no daddy while the woof is eating :/
[ how the hell does shiro just casually bring up his time as a galra prisoner, make an alarming joke out of it then expect keith to simply roll with the punches without flinching or grimacing? true, this isn't the first time shiro has done something like that, but every time leaves keith mentally reeling. it's doubtful that the intention is to invalidate what keith is struggling with, but it's more or less the result.
in essence, keith goes quiet, feeling neither fully reassured nor like arguing. what is there to further say? shiro is apparently dead-set which leaves keith as the only one with questions by default. truthfully, that feeling is unsettling in it own right because it's impossible to explain what his doubt is centered around when shiro repeatedly refutes its premise.
shiro knows what he wants. so why isn't that good enough? ]
.... I guess it's just me then.
[ his voice is quiet, followed by a soft wispy huff that could almost be a laugh. ]
Just me holding onto something you're not even mad at me for.
[ another almost laughs, then keith frowns and loosens his arms. ]
It only gets weirder the longer I think about it. The first time we fucked for real and I had no idea who was taking my virginity, I considered taking some aphro beforehand -- y'know, just to take the nerves away. So it's not even like I think doing that with someone has to be something meaningful? So I'm just being a hypocrite.
kosmo better eat faster then
keith’s breath plays against his skin and for a moment, shiro’s mind goes blank, hairs rising on the verge of a shiver –
just me holding onto something you’re not even mad at me for.
– and then he forgets how to breathe. not from anticipation, not from pleasure; that tantalizing tease of whispered breath is bulldozed over by a sickening drop in the pit of his stomach. oh. oh. it truly is about that. are they ever going to get past that?
shiro doesn’t fight keith as he loosens his arms. he should, maybe, but he’s careful with keith to the point of defeat, left hand lifting off of keith’s so he can take it back if he wishes to. with both hands now empty, shiro places them on his thighs and grimaces through that agitated, lost feeling as he listens, processes, and listens some more. it’s all a bit jumbled. he’s trying to follow the links between keith’s points, only to conclude that the underlying message here is: first times and meaningful connections.
at least, he isn’t throwing around rape again. the inner confines of shiro’s chest curdles at the very memory.
and so, it takes him a moment. then two, three, closer to ten. he wets his lips and thinks, hoping for a solution, but not entirely confident that he knows how to find one anymore. in the end, he keeps his back to keith and looks to his lap, fingers pressing into the firmness of his quads. ]
You know… we had a do over of our first time together.
[ he turns his head just slightly, still not looking over his shoulder, but speaking more directly to keith. ]
I don’t see why we can’t have another one.
[ to make it more meaningful? to make keith less punishing to himself? would that help? ]
kosmo will lol wolf down his snack ....
he squeezes broad shoulders, staying quiet as he mulls over the suggestion of a do-over. the simplicity of it is almost funny, but more than that it pulls at all kinds of heartstrings. life doesn't present second chances often, but shiro -- shiro has always given him so many.
at least, up to a point. it remains to be seen what exactly will come of the distance that's crept into the friendship he had with the shiro from his own reality. maybe it won't even come to be seen. the reality keith has known feels like a lifetime ago, and it doesn't look like keith is due to find a way back to it any time soon the question of whether he even wants to at this point is a separate matter entirely, and not one that he's ready to beat himself down over.
in a lot of ways, the relationship he's built up with this shiro feels like a do-over... though, keith frowns and dismisses the thought. the more he equates this shiro with the one from his world, the mor run down his soul feels. blinking back to the present. he puts both his hands over shoulder blades and manages a faintly amused tone. ]
You would say that, huh...
[ a beat, then swallowing through a tightness in his throat, keith mrmurs: ]
....is that something you really want? It's not just to humor me?
... THAT WAS SUCH A SHIRO JOKE
it’s not just to humor me?
it’s not the ideal reaction, but – it’s okay. it’s workable. what is not, however, is that he’s played by keith’s rules too long. this feels like an opening and one that shiro is quick to take as he finally gives up on allowing keith all that space. he twists around, careful and slow, knee knocking to the edge of the bed as he half-turns in his seat. ]
No. [ there he is, looking a little small and looking a lot miserable. shiro’s heart gives a pained lurch in his chest, eyes soft under a furrowed brow. ] I’m not humoring you.
[ this bed is atrocious. it’s narrow and flimsy, the springs creaking with too much weight. so there’s a bit of a racket when shiro moves again, this time climbing up on the bed – the cot, more like – to settle beside keith, facing him with legs tucked underneath himself. ]
I want this for us.
[ he has half a mind to simply pluck that boy up and drag him into his lap, to hug him tight and steady until that frown clears. he reaches for his hand instead, catching it between a layering of both of his own, squeezing gently. ]
So will you do that for me? [ voice sweet, smile sweeter. ] Will you make love to me again?
I KNOW YOU LAUGHED.
there's no doubt that porn prison has warped the natural course of their friendship, just as there's no doubt that the war back home has fundamentally shattered keith's confidence in recognizing anything seriously amiss with his best friend. whether he truly deserves to be forgiven for the latter is likely going to be a perpetual dark spot in his soul, but one thing is becoming clear..
this shiro, the one sitting in front of him, holding his hand, doesn't deserve to be dragged into keith's self-flagellation. this shiro is his shiro, and despite the miserable circumstances behind the last time they slept together, shiro is willing to put his trust in keith another time.
overcome with the enormity of the moment, keith can't quite put words to what he's feeling. his expression softens, his smile small but brightening up his eyes with fierce adoration reserved for his boyfriend. he swallows through the lump in his throat as he holds shiro's hand tighter and leans forward. ]
Of course, I will. I want to. I mean, all I wanted was to take care of you, like you always do for me.
[ he huffs, gaze dropping to thir hands as he turns momentarily shy. ]
... I hate that it got so messed up.
[ a beat, then keith peeks up through a curtain of hair. ]
So I want to because it's been so long since we felt good together. [ a breath. ] ... but maybe I want to save something special like that for when we're properly settled and safe. [ another beat, then keith laughs. ] Is that weird? Am I overthinking again?
YOU CANNOT PROVE!!!!!!!!!!
no and yes. for them, he wouldn’t have picked anonymous, jurassic dongs, sex bots, aphro influences or sentence sheets. as much as he has come to love keith, the truth of the matter is that their relationship is a byproduct of a horrific situation. and that’s fine. that doesn’t make what they have any less worthy of feeling or having. he doesn’t regret falling in love with keith, meaning that, by extension, he doesn’t regret all that’s happened in order to get them to this point. that is why, shiro is a stupid, stupid man for fretting so long and so uselessly over losing his last form of innocence to the man he wanted to lose it to anyway.
… but maybe i want to save something special like that for when we’re properly settled and safe.
and here shiro was ready to chuck off his pants for keith. once again, denied his choice of where and when to “lose it.” kidding. keith’s laugh draws one from shiro, smile coming easily. ]
No. [ a short shake of his head, gaze fond. ] You’re thinking about it in just the right way.
[ and now, he does what he ignored before: he gets his hands around keith, gathering him up to pull him into his lap. caging keith in with a gentle circling of his arms, shiro holds him steady as he dips his face in, pressing a quick kiss to that bang covering most of his boy’s forehead. ]
We’ll wait until we don’t have to worry about anything except making each other feel good.
[ off the bed and from the floor, there’s an approving woof. shiro glances toward the source, holding eye contact with the space wolf who has his partly gnawed cock in a sock sausage hanging from his jaws. the moment drags into another and then shiro abruptly laughs again. ]
I think your wolf friend would appreciate us waiting, too, especially if it means he won’t have to be in the same room as us.