[ there's a weird thought right there, shiro is the last person in the universe that keith would have called a coward. his best friend is, after all, the person who always manages to defy the odds, no matter how insurmountable they seem. shiro is the guy who was thrown into a brutal alien gladiator arena, only to escape and become the leader of the team that will dismantle that same empire.
coward. yea, right. hilarious.
but keith can't seem to make his llungs work right to laugh. his breathing stays quick and shallow, eyes closing as shiro puts a cool hand on his forehead. it's difficult to focus, let alone think, but keith tries anyway, brow furrowing with the effort as he pushes the raw memory of burning skin farther away.
after all, here isn't an abandoned galra facility hidden in an asteroid realities away.here is a different kind of alien facility where compromised choice is the norm and -- ]
I should've known better.
[ and isn't that the story of his fucking life? whenever it comes to shiro. not just the shiro from his reality that keith had never realized had been replaced with a clone, but this shiro too. expression falling, keith turns his face away, voice thick with regret. ]
Shoulda known. You're the last person I ever wanna do anything to that you don't want and ) - this place made me take advantage of you anyway. I thought - I really thought you liked it, but it turns out I might've raped you, and I - maybe I really do deserve to be here.
YOU DONT SOUND ENTHUSED, which will only anger the brainlink
[ keith turns his face away and it's in that movement that a certain expectation for approach develops in shiro's head. his hand falls away, he won't force keith's face forward again, won't force him to look at him. he'll endure keith's weighted words and navigate through them with patience and gently provided reassurances. they'll get through this slowly and carefully, as the drugs lose their effectiveness. they'll make time for it. it'll be fine. shiro can do that. shiro can –
– I might've raped you –
it's akin to being slapped. that word. that god awful word. not just that, either, but that word in keith's voice, so guilty, so distressed, so self-loathing…
expectation changes and the plan is rewritten in an instant. the gentleness is gone from his voice, as well as his face. the steadiness of his patience breaks and then words are spilling out, every syllable firm with unquestionable certainty. ]
You did not rape me.
[ he fails in masking his frustration. it isn't wholly directed at keith. per usual, most of it is reserved for himself. he used to be better at this; at controlling his emotions and ensuring others saw only what he deemed acceptable to show. is it the lingering trace of drugs in his system that makes him sloppy? the anxiety fueled adrenaline of their situation? or is it simply because he lacks the restraint when it comes to keith? keith, who is both his strength and his weakness, the balance between the two so precarious that shiro is often fighting within himself, trying to find his own footing.
he shouldn't be surprised. that's what love does to a person.
clenching his jaw tight in the aftermath of spitting out that dirty word, shiro gnashes his teeth until they hurt and then, only then, is he able to bring himself back into check for a conscious calming of his voice. ]
I wanted you. [ not the entire truth, he tells himself. ] I want you still.
[ remember his plan to let keith look away and collect himself, as shiro slowly coaxes him into looking at him again? so much for that. shiro grasps keith by the chin and turns his face toward him, because as much as he wants to say it's for keith, the move is mostly for shiro. shiro needs the connection. he needs to erase those ill thoughts from keith's head and replace them with understanding and truth. as shiro should have done from the beginning. fuck, just… has keith been toiling over this idea of raping him for the entire week…?
remorse thickens his voice again, everything heavy and slow like molasses. not due to hesitation this time, but the weight of his own damnation. ]
You were so good to me, baby. So gentle, so caring… don't you dare think any part of it was… [ unwanted. unreciprocated. rape. ] – that. You'd never do something like that to me. [ his hand moves from his chin to his cheek, keeping keith turned toward him with a curl of his fingers and a caress of his thumb. ] Because you're good. So good to me.
[ here's the waver. just a moment of hesitation. even now, it's difficult for him to be wholly honest with himself, as he distances his own desires from that of responsibility. ultimately, it is responsibility that wins… but it's responsibility to keith, not to voltron and not to his own reality. ]
That's why I love you. I love you so much, baby… I meant it then and I mean it now. That hasn't changed.
[ the forcefulness of shiro's tone makes keith flinch, even as the words themselves ought to be reassuring. the way this messed up rison is run, it's clear that nobody gives a fuck about consent. even their first time when they were two strangers on opposite sides of a library bookshelf had arguably been a form of rape as well, even if they were likely both victims of circumstance. in that sense, their relationship has been steeped in choices that neither would have made if they were clear of mind. hell, perhaps they'd have never gtten together in the first place.
nothing trips keith over his own thoughts like that one does. for all that he hates the way reparacija operates, where would the best relationship of his life be without it? if they could be free tomorrow, but never see each other again, would he really be able to turn his back on this codemned hell hole? is itbad that doesn't have a fucking answer? and what does it say about him that when shiro forces him to hold eye contact that keith crumbles under the knowledge that he doesn't want shiro to leave him behind?
you were so good to me, so caring.... that's why i love you.
heart squeezing painfully tight, keith looks up at shiro with growing despondence. ]
But... but I'm not. I'm not good to you.
[ gingerly, keith wraps his fingers around shiro's wrist, holding on in silent desperation. ]
If I could, I'd keep you with me. Even if it means being stuck in this horrible place.
[ hell, even if it means falling from a platform to oblivion. ]
shhhh everything is fine. we get to have good food today
– but not when he’s on this side of it. self-deprecation and self-sacrifice are habitual things shiro is, unfortunately, well-versed in. of course he realizes that every time he distances himself from keith for one reason or another, it’s frustrating to keith. painful, too, but he’s always thought it to be a pain born from being denied what he wants in the moment. it hurts for another reason, though, huh? it actually hurts to sit here and listen, watch, feel keith closing in on himself with bitter words.
shiro has many regrets, some too traumatic to even begin to put into words, this here, though? this he can verbalize: he’s the one who is not good to keith. keith deserves better than someone who can’t get his thoughts and emotions in check. someone who can be open and honest from the beginning. someone who isn’t perpetually torn between love and obligation. someone who –
fuck, he’s doing it again.
if i could, i’d keep you with me.
as self-serving as it feels, like he’s the one getting the better end of the bargain, shiro banishes the temptation to talk himself down into a black hole of loathing, instead putting all of his focus back where it belongs: on keith. his smile is bittersweet, his expression never progressing further than what can only be deemed apologetic. his touch continues to be steady and sweet however, thumb scooting across his cheek again. ]
We can’t stay here, sweetheart.
[ punishment looms. they may not be able to escape being discovered for their latest acts, but they can’t keep doing this. they can’t settle for compromised autonomy and a small, secluded world. shiro’s drive to explore and experience the unknown may have darkened somewhat from what it used to be, but keith… fuck, shiro can’t stomach the thought of someone as beautiful and vibrant as this boy being locked up forever. keith is meant to soar, not to have his wings clipped so readily.
taking a breath, shiro forces his voice lighter, hope and encouragement coloring his next words. ]
But that doesn’t mean you can’t keep me.
[ another caress of his thumb and then he bows a little closer, voice softening as though sharing a secret. ]
… You promised, remember? I’m counting on you to help me figure this out… because I need you just as much.
[ shiro is certainly not wrong about that. no matter what keith feels, they can't stay here if only because shiro doesn't deserve to spend another day of his life wasting away in an alien prison. there may not be any death matches in a gladiator arena here, but just now they built a stage and shiro was right there, bound up like a sex toy for use by an ogling public. conditions at porn prison have deteriorated steadily, and the last thing keith wants for shiro is to be violated and used for entertainment in yet another fucking institution.
but even knowing all that, it's hard not to be selfish in his reflections of the aftermath. separated from his boyfriend by entire realities, forever haunted by the white-haired version of the shiro in his reality of all the things they could have been but never were.
shiro's hand is a warm constant on his face, and keith blinks slow through the rest of his words. leaving porn prison and keeping shiro has always been at odds with each other, if only because the end goal of escaping here is an inevitable return to their respective realities. or at least, it had always been one and the same because abandoning their realities had been utterly unthinkable.
up until now, that is. shiro comes closer and an impossibly heavy weight comes off keith's soul as the unthinkable is allowed, even briefly, to become thinkable. eyes widening, keith stares up, his grip inadvertently going slack on his boy's wrist. ]
... You really mean that? It's not something messed up in your system again?
ROFL it's so sad... i'm still laughing/crying over the chances of that happening
[ shiro is ashamed to admit that doesn't simply roll off his back. he's still getting tripped up in emotion. frustration, partly, due to bump after obstacle after inability for any of this to be easy. remorse, as always, for leading keith to doubt through his avoidance and subsequent neglect. patience yields focus, yada yada, that does keep him steady to a point, but he has to continually set himself back on track, telling himself, no, don’t wallow, don’t falter. it doesn’t matter if this isn’t smooth or easy; they’ll eventually get to a good place as long as shiro keeps talking.
… supposedly. it’s clear that the drugs are still potent in this boy’s system. is keith even capable of fully comprehending, as well as remembering all of this when he’s no longer compromised?
uncertain, but having no alternative, because he can’t simply stop now, shiro keeps his hand at keith’s face and lifts his other, gently pulling that loosened grip looser. ]
I really mean it.
[ he doesn’t look away from that wide-eyed stare, making sure that the meaning of those words hit their point and sink in. as for keith’s hand, shiro takes those slackened fingers and holds them, resting their combined hands over keith’s sternum. it’s a slight criss crossing of limbs, but shiro likes having all the points of contact, hoping that keith feels as grounded as he does in the moment. ]
[ with the artificial fog still thick in his head, keith smiles up at shiro, simply letting his boyfriend adjust the placement of their hands however he sees fit. for how complicated this all is, keith simply looks docile, easily comforted by the concept of being together.
but words are easy, actions are not. if shiro truly wants them to be together, then this past week of intangible distance shouldn't have happened. the contradiction picks and picks away at the back of keith's skull until doubt dims the warmth of his adoration. ]
But you were mad at me, right? For what I did to you?
[ rape, that is. the sole reason keith avoids using the ugly word again is down to the intensity of shiro's reaction the first time. ]
I... I don't know how to make things right, Shiro.
[ they’re going in circles. it’s not the first time he’s chastised himself for picking now, when keith is so obviously struggling to focus and process, to have this conversation. the timing is horrible… but that’s the usual with shiro, isn’t it? nothing can ever be easy between them and shiro has no one to blame but himself. wincing internally, shiro allows that one beat down on himself before he works himself free of it, slipping just enough in his steadfastness to sigh aloud.
they’ll talk about this again, he knows. once keith is clear-headed. once neither of them are stripped down in a horridly uncertain situation. and once they’re free of the overreaching danger of being discovered and subsequently punished. maybe then it won’t be such a battle for shiro to convince keith that his intentions are genuine. for now, though, he tries his best to settle keith just enough to put a crack in that doubt.
and the quickest way to do that? he leans down and takes a kiss from his mouth, resting solid and resting heavy, to make keith really feel the weight of everything shiro is feeling. no open mouth and no tongue, just a firm meeting of their lips as shiro holds and holds, breaking away after a few, long beats. ]
I’m not mad. [ wait. that’s not entirely true. ] Not at you.
[ better. he sighs again, still keeping all points of contact between them. ]
I’m mad that I’m an idiot when it comes to you.
[ he used to be so much better at this. oddly enough, he was better at managing their relationship when they hardly had one; back in the garrison days, when he was diligently working at gaining this disgruntled kid’s trust. now… sometimes shiro truly believes that everything that’s happened to him has damaged him beyond repair.
or maybe that’s a scapegoat. afterall, his track record for love isn’t stellar. can he honestly say that he was open and honest with adam in all aspects of their relationship, too? that he was always understanding and patient? for how readily available he makes himself to building people up when they need it, does he truly know how to love unconditionally? maybe not, he thinks… but he’s learning. he’s trying. he already loves this boy, he knows it, he feels it. he just… needs to love him better.
god, even in the privacy of his own head, that sounds stupid enough for him to be embarrassed by it. it’s true, though. keith is it for him and one day, shiro is going to make him believe it. ]
I know I haven’t given you enough reason to believe me, but try to, baby. I love you.
[ the press of shiro's lips on his is firm and lingering, and whatever drugs the sentries shot into keith's system make him feel it. no, more than feel it. yearn, in a head-empty, pliant way that makes keith part his lips to accept tongue or whatever else may be fed into his mouth. he barely processes the instinct before shiro pulls away, and keith blinks up slow, with an even slower but determined shake of his head as he fights off whatever is in his head wanting to be a receptacle for use.
shiro loves him -- that's what keith has to focus on. it still doesn't process quite right though, because the difference between the euphoria he'd felt that first time he heard shiro say those words and the misery he feels now may as well be a chasm. perhaps the issue is as simple as not knowing what it's like to truly feel loved by shiro. that first high was spun out of control by potpourri, and this low isn't free of chemical influence either.
expression crumpling, keith takes a deep stabilizing breath and recomposes. ]
And I love you.
[ a beat. ]
But I still did things to you that you didn't want and it made you change. Even if you still love me, it's different, isn't it? This place used me to hurt you and I'm not safe for you to be around.
and that is precisely why they can’t stay here. shiro thinks it, but he doesn’t say it. not again. they keep doing this; rounding back to the same arguments, seemingly arguing for the sake of it because neither of them can be swayed from their positions. once more, shiro wonders if this is how keith has felt every time shiro has talked himself down, too deep in his own self-reprimand that even the kindest words can’t pull him free.
perhaps it’s time for a refresher on that. ]
I'm not safe for you to be around, either.
[ and the most damning part about that? shiro can’t attribute all of it to this place as keith can. remember the simulator? remember half an hour ago? a lot of it has been the fault of this god awful place, that’s true, but shiro’s weapon of choice is very much attached to him. it will always be with him. and when he’s perpetually on a trigger with no certain idea of what will set him off on a panic attack… who’s to say he won’t go blind and deaf to reality again? what if he gets stuck in his head and he attacks keith again? what if, next time, he uses his arm as more than a threat?
and hell, even when he’s trying to help him, he still hurts him.
that is a lot of what ifs. he’s been afraid of what ifs for a long time, so often creating a cage for himself to measure and restrain his own wants and needs in order to maintain some illusion of control. he thought he could live that. he was committed to living like that, but…
keith. keith has been challenging him from the very beginning, coaxing him over and over to reevaluate what he’s deemed acceptable for himself. ]
I changed long before any of this… but you love me in spite of that.
[ again, he swipes his fingers along keith’s face, pushing hair aside and mapping, slowly, the shape of his temple to cheek to jaw. ]
I love you. The only thing about that that has changed is that I am in love with you. And now that I am, it will never change again.
Edited (i completely forgot his burned leg) 2023-12-24 00:36 (UTC)
[ to that, keith falls silent, brow furrowed in contemplation. a while ago, when keith was much younger he would have laughed at the idea that they're mutually destructive for each other. sure, keith was prone to doing things his way, but so was shiro, and either one of them would have dropped everything to help the other. having a support like that should be the antithesis of being bad for each other.
but life isn't so simple. after all, it isn't just in this messed up prison that keith's love of shiro has been warped to some other cruel end. it's back home, too, where keith being too blind to see the truth of what happened to his best friend has hurt him -- hurt them, perhaps irreparably. keith certainly has the scars to show for it.
and now what? because shiro cares -- loves him enough not to abandon him on a bondage rig to be displayed for public use, shiro has to suffer the consequences of destroying the sentries that keith couldn't finish off in the first place?
is love supposed to trap people in cycles of mutual pain and suffering? or is it simply something about keith that drags shiro down -- not just in his home reality, but every reality? the question hurts his head, compounding the dull throb at the base of his skull, and suddenly keith is more tired than he's ever felt in his life.
struggling through the disorientation of the drugs that want him lying flat and spread on the bed, keith slowly sits himself up and settles with his head pressed to the wall. ]
... and I love you. More than I could ever love anyone else in this whole universe.
[ the smile he manages is weak, and holds only for a beat before it falls away for something hollow. ]
But maybe..... maybe that's not such a good thing. If we keep hurting each other... [ he pauses, swallowing hard through the tightness in his throat. ] Maybe we're just not good for each other. I'm tired, Shiro. I'm so tired of messing things up with you. I- I just don't know what I'm doing anymore.
[ shiro miscalculated. that was not the right thing to say. he had a point, one that banked on keith’s trigger to vehemently argue against any slight made against shiro, even ones made by shiro himself. but keith is quiet. keith doesn’t get that hard-nosed, i-will-fight-you-for-being-so-stupid look to his face. neither does he make even the slightest sound of protest. he merely lies there, taking everything in with a patient kind of consideration that isn’t exactly foreign to his best friend, but often far and few between.
fuck.
eventually, keith begins to move. shiro is right there to help with gentle hands, his touch staying even as keith finds support against the wall. the pressure of his hands becomes even softer, sweeter when keith reaffirms what shiro already knows and already treasures. i love you. thumbs brush for a stroke and then backtrack for a caress, that small, semi-weak smile drawing a sunnier one from shiro himself, like he’s trying to encourage keith into gifting him a wider one.
maybe we’re just not good for each other.
the smile turns static and brittle, souring right off of his face as shock has lips parting and eyes widening. the caresses stop, too. abruptly, he lets go, hands hovering over their placements for an extended beat before shiro pulls them back toward himself. confusion takes over quickly, his expression turned lost and uncertain, brow furrowed so harshly that he develops deep lines.
what? that’s the one resounding thought that dominates his brain, everything in him searching for an answer, only to come up completely empty. how did it come to this so quickly? he can’t say the concept of them being better off not romantically involved is entirely out of left field, but from keith it is. keith is the one who fights so hard to keep them together, not just here, but back in their own realities. keith is the one who doesn’t know how to give up on them. keith is the one who is supposed to chase after shiro, not walk away from him.
fuck, that last one is a bit cruel, isn’t it? maybe shiro really is bad for keith if he can formulate such a selfish expectation. relationships are meant to be balanced. equal. can shiro honestly say he’s shown keith as much love, respect, and consideration that keith has shown him time and time again? ]
No. [ he can’t. but also, no, he isn’t going to let that be the summation of their relationship. shiro can change; he has changed. the time of walking away has long passed. they’re in too deep. shiro is in too deep. ] You are not giving up on us.
[ reaching across, he takes keith’s hands in his, squeezing with meaning. ]
We overcome everything thrown at us, because we're stronger together. I don't want… [ a slight pause, his expression hardening with determination. ] I refuse to give up on what we have. Life is made better by you being in it, by being able to love you, so please… [ he squeezes again, giving his captured hands a little shake. ] … don’t let this defeat us.
[ brute forcing himself upright into a seated position exhausts most of the strength in keith's limbs, leaving him to ragdoll slightly against the headboard and wall. he can't quite grip shiro's hands back, nor can he keep his arms still through the gentle shaking, but oddly enough his head feels a little clearer for the jostling.
maybe it has nothing to do with anything physical. it takes so little of shiro's distress for keith to be moved into action, even if he has no idea what the hell action he ought to take.]
I don't like this either, Shiro. In my wildest dreams, I never thought I'd become a paladin and help people across the universe live free. I never thought I'd get to meet my mom or - or meet so many other incredible people. But even with all that, you're the most important thing that's ever happened to me and I think no matter what happens, I'll always be yours.
[ keith huffs, managing yet another small smile as he gives their clasped hands a long look. ]
And the fact that I got to call you mine, even for a little while, feels like the most amazing thing I've ever done. Crazy, huh? Flying in a sentient lion at faster-than-light speed doesn't even come close to making me feel as good as getting to hold your hand or seeing your smile when I call you babe.
[ with his voice threatening to crack, krith closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. willing himself to stay level, he squeezes shiro's hands and keeps his voice soft and low. ]
...but deep down, I think you know I'm not good for you. I can't think straight when it comes to you, and it always leads to hurting you, even though that's the last thing I fucking want. That's why you kept your distance, right? To protect yourself? So just... keep doing it. I can't run. I can't fight. But you can. There's no reason that you should get caught and punished by the warden. Let me just take the fall.
it's been three years of hating that word. i continue to hate it.
[ push, pull, shiro wants to interrupt keith as much as he doesn’t. keith volunteers his vulnerabilities far more than shiro ever does, but it’s still such a precious privilege to be given a glimpse into the inner workings of keith’s mind, no, into his soul, that shiro has an automatic reaction to shut up and listen. the problem here, though, is that he hears the thing keith hasn’t said yet. but. there is going to be a but in the conclusion of this outpouring of affirmation and love, and shiro doesn’t want to reach that point.
but they do, because shiro can’t bring himself to shush keith. he’s a glutton for things like you’re the most important thing that’s ever happened to me and i’ll always be yours and i got to call you mine. got to? get to. the warning bells grow a little louder in the wake of that, but he still can’t stop him, simply sitting there as he waits for the other shoe to drop.
and it does.
funnily enough, keith has it wrong. i think you know i’m no good for you.funnily enough, shiro is one of the few who has never thought that. he’s been warned many times, though. the facility of a junior high years ago when he showed interest. the disciplinary office personnel when he vouched yet again. a certain commander of galaxy garrison when he started toeing the line of mentorship. a cadet speaking far too candidly when shiro began to fail at curbing his favoritism. a neglected fiancé when he returned from yet another hoverbike outing. even a few paladins have grumbled in the aftermath of a disagreement. but shiro? no. never. shiro has never been able to be convinced away from keith by anyone and he isn’t about to start listening about his apparent blindspot, even when the warnings come from keith directly.
it may have worked in the beginning of their captivity, when shiro was looking for support and reason to keep distance. see, he tried to stay away here at prison, not due to believing keith to be no good for him, but because he’s too good. too precious. too essential to shiro’s stability and happiness as a whole, that he’s been afraid to damage any part of their friendship.
but they’re beyond that now. if anything, parting now, under these circumstances, would ensure what shiro has tried to avoid: the destruction of their friendship.
that’s why you kept your distance, right? to protect yourself?
he’s begun shaking his head, slowly at first with a disbelief that keeps him unblinking and staring.
i can’t run. i can’t fight.
the shaking picks up.
let me just take the fall.
this absolute imbecile. shock stills his tongue, but horror shakes him loose, right onto a spike in exasperation that leaves him frustrated and panicked, two emotions that loosen his tongue. he’s one breath away from calling this idiot boy exactly that, but as impeccable timing goes, it’s at that precise moment that there’s a crash downstairs, followed by the unmistakable clatter of mechanical parts lugging around. it seems their time has run out. ]
Fuck. [ he squeezes hard at keith’s hands, momentarily defeated by their inevitable discovery and so, helplessly trying to siphon off as much strength as he can off of their connection. he composes himself as best he can and then shakes his head, drawing a breath before pulling his hands from keith’s to cup his face, encouraging him to look at him. ]
I am not abandoning you. [ it’s said firmly, nothing in his tone allowing for an argument. ] It’s you and me ‘til the end.
[ and then he steals a kiss. one, two, and suddenly, there’s a flash of light in the room. adrenaline has him ripping away from keith and standing up, turned and already poised for a fight when his gaze lands on – ]
Holy shit, am I glad to see you.
[ the space wolf is standing there, eyes swiveling from shiro to keith, and once there, they don’t stray again as the animal immediately clamors closer, nearly knocking shiro out of the way as he hops up on the bed. keith has told him time and time again that the space wolf is an intelligent being. admittedly, shiro has witnessed the intelligence himself, but here is the first time that he really sees how meticulous and understanding the animal is as he carefully moves around keith, sniffing and looking him over, as if cataloguing everything that is different about his friend. ]
He’s been drugged. We need to get him out of here. [ that doesn’t make the space wolf move any faster, not when those yellowed eyes are now on the burn of keith’s leg. shiro grimaces and then shrinks under the gaze that snaps up, settling on him. ] I know, I’m sorry… but please, you can take him somewhere safe.
[ in another time, another place, keith might've smiled at that affirmation. it’s you and me ‘til the end is awfully close to 'til death do us part. sealed with a kiss, it's almost like a wedding vow, but with the clamoring downstairs, it feels a lot more like the end of the line.
it isn't, of course, because reparacija by nature stands to benefit more from repeated violations of their bodies than it does their deaths, but the prospect of being strung up on that stage pumped full of mind-melting aphrodisiac to drown out the outrage of their abuse isn't much of a consolation.
shiro could still escape that imminent punishment perhaps he can't avoid the indignity of porn prison indefinitely, considering the way misconducts are issued, but at least he wouldn't have to suffer more than he already has for this one day.
before keith can articulate any of that, there's a familiar flash of light and a space wolf sidling up close to come look him over. despite the horrid state keith is in, it's impossible not to smile when his wolf friend sniffs at his face. keith has always been amazed by how smart and expressive the space wolf is, making his displeasure with the angry burn perfectly known. shiro's apology earns a disapproving whuffle, which keith tries to ease away with a gentle rub at his neck.]
It's okay, buddy. It was just an accident. We have to get away from here.
[ the wolf shifts his gaze to keith, head tilted skeptically as if trying to work out what possible chain of events led up toshiro missing his pants, a burn on keith's leg and a stampede of sentries donstairs, but quickly lets out a second discontented whuffle.
edging forward, the space wolf gets his teeth on shiro's metal arm while keeping a paw on keith's foot. before anyone gets to complain about it, the worn down bedroom disappears in a flash of light, and the trio reappear at the northeastern section of the prison where the prison yard meets the barrier. ]
Woah...
[ freshly dsoriented, keith blinks then shakily gets to his knees. the wolf meanwhile has yet to release shiro's metal hand and tugs very insistently to direct his attention towards a sizable crawlspace in the barrier through which the world beyond the prison walls can be seen. far from anything idlyllic, their first glimpse at freedom on this planet looks like an abandoned, torn up parkin lot.
following the wolf's direction, keith hunkers down, gasps then nervously looks up to shiro. ]
Could be dangerous out there, Shiro....
[ the little reconnaissance they've been able to do with the space wolf's assistance hadn't exactly pointed to anything habitable, but who knows what this planet could be beyond the immediate prison perimeter? at the very least, between them they really ought to havea. full set of clothes and shoes. ]
[ as critical as shiro has been about the space wolf since, well, since he showed up all those months ago to teleport them straight into a bathhouse disaster, shiro has to admit that there are definitely benefits to having a pet – friend, shiro immediately corrects, because he knows keith would – who can manipulate travel and space. here it’s an absolutely clutch move. sharp, pointed teeth clamp down on his – thankfully – metal hand and then poof, the room is no more. shiro has participated in a number of these magical jumps, but not regularly enough that he’s fully acclimated to the sudden shift. it’s disorientating, especially when he’s still coming down from the high of… whatever the fuck they pumped into his system. the only reason he doesn’t falter to the fresh air, sunshine, and very public space, is because he’s intimately aware that keith is drugged up, too. more so. if shiro feels dizzy, then what about keith…?
woah.
shiro looks to keith, heart lurching and feet already stumbling to cross the little distance… but then he’s being tugged by the hand and – what? shiro sends an exasperated look at the space wolf and then beyond him when he’s rebuffed with another tug.
there’s an opening. more specifically, there’s an opening in the fence that they can fit through.
freedom. this is what they’ve wanted for so long, that now that it’s right there, shiro is, oddly, struck with a temporary sense of paralysis. could be dangerous? yeah. they used to know what they were in for. as unpredictable as the prison could be, there was some semblance of order that made life manageable. now though… it’s deteriorated into something else. so – dangerous out there? ]
Probably is, but we’ve got a better chance out there than we do in here.
[ he moves to make a gesture with his hands, only to find that, right, he’s still a chew toy. he tugs experimentally. dude, let go…? shiro frowns at the space wolf, even as he compliments: ]
The wolf and I are tough, though, right boy? [ another tug and this time, the space wolf lets go after a mouth full of woof. shiro extends and curls his metal fingers, ensuring that, no, pointy space wolf teeth did not tweak any panels or gears. he steps closer then, dropping into a crouch beside keith. ] We’ll handle everything until you get your bearings back.
[ a pause, expression tightening with concern and a tentativeness that seeps into his voice. ]
Though… I need you to do one thing for me first. [ command the space wolf to zap to his cube and gather together two full outfits for them both? who knows how much time they actually have. minutes? seconds? the sooner they’re out, the safer they’ll be. probably better they aren’t running around in prison garb anyway. ] Think you can crawl through on your own?
[ because it’s rather narrow, even for one person. through the fence and to an abysmal slab of asphalt; the building that borders it is similarly empty, at least it appears so from this angle. all is quiet, and shiro wishes to say that it's comforting to think that no one will be privy to them shimmying through a break in the parameter, but it’s almost as alarming to believe that it can be that easy. ]
[ there isn't much time. as messed up as keith's head is, it's clear that they can't sit around debating the relative merits and dangers of staying or leaving. any moment now, the sentries responsible for the perimeter checks will be doing their rounds, and then they go right back trying to find a place to hide with no long-term hope of actually dodging whatever misconducts are issued.
it's just... so sudden and seemingly so easy.
frowning, keith glances through the hole in the barrier to look at the uninviting, abandoned landscape beyond the prison walls. perhaps it won't be so easy once they're out there without any supplies and without a full set of clothes between them, but as his gaze shifts back to shiro, keith finds himself nodding.
if shiro wants to do this, then keith isn't about to be the one to stop him. after all, shiro's been in this place before, hasn't he? escaping from alien imprisonment with an uncertain future lying in wait had to have been terrifying, but shiro doesn't seem nervous here at all. his best friend has always been brave in the face of the unknown,, huh... ]
Yeah. Just wish we had some supplies.
[ hurriedly quashing a surge in feeling, keith tips forward onto his hands and knees and starts to crawl through the narrow space. no questions asked, no more doubts raised -- just unshakily forward. the crawlspace itself is narrow, but isn't more than a foot long. pushing through the deadweight of his limbs, keith crawls through as fast as he can, emerging on the other side of the opaque barrier with a disoriented blink as he dusts off his hands and knees. the asphalt beneath his feet is in dire need of maintenance, and so is the nearest structure in the distance. keith stares, the eerie unnatural silence of the world thick in his ears, then quickly shuffles to the side to make room for shiro and the wolf.
keith doesn't dare say a word, like breaking the silence might cause something out there to stir, but with his heart hammering away in his chest, he remains tense and unable to relax until both shiro and the wolf make it through. ]
C'mon, c'mon, c'mon..
[ he mouths the words silently as two ticks pass by with no sign of either shiro or the wolf. the opacity of the barrier works against him here, with panic threatening to overtake until shiro squeezes his way through the tight fit. keith finally exhales, hurriedly reaching to take shiro's hand, but then: ]
...where's the wolf?
[ but perhaps he needn't have worried. another moment and the wolf pushes a satchel stuffed with instant noodles and a hodgepodge of clothes through and emerges on the other side. the wolf gives himself a vigorous shake and trots over to keith's side for a nuzzle.
they're far from being free. reparacija is a foot away, after all. but standing on the other side of the barrier for the first time with shiro and the wolf is almost overwhelming anyway. keith looks from one to the other, disbelief written on his face before he simply says: ]
[ yes. about that. supplies would indeed be nice. food, water canisters, a medical kit, clothes, blankets, lube – there are a number of things that shiro would have packed tightly into a backpack if he’d awoken this morning with any indication that today would be the day they slipped free. as it is, shiro is tragically unprepared, to the point that it is grimly amusing in its utter ludicrousness. he has nothing at his disposal. he doesn’t even have clothes. completely bare and completely exposed, the only usefulness he brings to this escape is the strength of his body. knowing that, shiro is quick to prove that by following hot on keith’s heels. through the fence and to the other side, shiro tries to keep a level-head – because that is also something he can provide if he focuses – but no, he’s failing on that front, too. he should be keeping surveillance. immediately, he should be taking stock of their surroundings more than a too quick glance around.
see, shiro’s distraction is that keith is on his feet. shiro, who is perpetually on edge when it comes to keith’s wellbeing, finds himself watching his boyfriend instead. he’s fine. he’s stable. he isn’t swaying or tumbling over. shiro doesn’t need to be tense, ready to spring into action for a catch. still, let it be known that he has yet to let go of keith’s hand.
where’s the wolf?
the what – oh. shiro glances to the torn fence, opening his mouth for a defaulted he’s coming, don’t worry that he hopes is actually true, only to snap his lps together over a click of his teeth when a blue hairball squeezes through. it is at that moment that shiro releases keith’s hand, partly due to the space wolf crowding keith and, in no uncertain terms, making it known that this is his human to look after, mr.-leg-burner. the other partly has to do with the satchel of goodies. food and clothes, that’s two things off the list, the latter especially welcome as shiro digs through to pull on pants, boots and the first shirt he happens to grab.
which, as luck would have it, is actually keith’s. it stretches, but it’s definitely a fitted tank now.
wow.
no, keith is not talking about shiro. shiro slings the satchel’s strap over his head and around an arm, securing it to rest across his body. a chunk of broken asphalt crunches under his boot with his first step and those blue ears flick toward him, furry face turning toward him in the next beat. shiro musters a smile and it must be adequate enough, because he’s allowed to sidle in close to their favorite boy. he touches keith’s shoulder with tempered gentleness, the rush needed for the seriousness of their situation momentarily absent. ]
I’ll give you a better sightseeing tour. [ he quirks a smile and then crouches down, indicating for keith to drape over his back. ] Climb aboard.
[ and after being especially careful in the placement of keith’s burn as he lifts his precious cargo, they’re off. the space wolf trots ahead, playing leader. shiro doesn’t mind at all. he imagines a celestial being like the wolf has more finely tuned senses that he can't even begin to understand, meaning it’s likely safer to trust those instincts and faculties than it is for shiro to pick a direction and hope for the best. across cracked streets, through abandoned neighborhoods and further still, to bypass buildings that are as eerily quiet as everything else has been, the trio walk and walk and walk.
shiro loses track of time. the more distance they cover, the better, so he voices no complaints, even as his lower back aches and his arms strain. keith says something about putting him down at one point, that he’s fine and he can walk on his own, but shiro counters that having keith wrapped around him is the highest form of motivation to keep moving. the protests are quiet after that.
they’re losing light by the time they find a place. they’ve been off the road for a good while now, but until recently, they’d been parallel to it. now, they’re something close to a mile perpendicular to it. the space wolf has, periodically been zapping here and there, seemingly scouting ahead to adjust their trajectory and so, he must’ve found this shack during one of those jumps. it isn’t great, but it’s better than huddling together tonight, out in the open.
the door takes some shouldering – after setting keith down – and then they’re inside, promptly taking over what shiro hopes is an abandoned would-be shelter. time lapses with chores after that: taking inventory of both the room and the satchel, mostly, though shiro does leave for a short while, to check the perimeter and familiarize himself with an exit strategy if the worst happens. he comes back to keith and the space wolf settled in, the stove unlit due to an agreement that it’d be safer to keep a low profile. which means they’ll be getting cozy tonight.
usually, the thought would have him smiling, but after the turmoil of their last intimacy, hesitance plagues his confidence. ]
Looks good out there. [ he pulls the door shut, the desk lamp providing enough light that keith is bathed in a soft glow. ] We should keep moving tomorrow and put more distance between us and the prison, but I think we’ll be okay here for a few hours of shut eye. [ and even though he asked earlier, he asks again: ] How are you feeling?
[ if there's one thing keith loathes, it's being dead weight. neither shiro nor the wolf will admit to seeing it that way, but he wishes more than ever tat he could contribute more meaningfully to their escape and safety than by merely hanging onto shiro's back.
not that thinking this way accelerates the elimination of unknown drugs from his system, but there's something profound about the idea that this could be the last time they're ever hurt or abused in this way. from here on out, their lives could be fully back in their hands. no more random aphrodisiacs, no more flying rocket dildos, just ... a whole lot of silence in a desolate world.
but it's their world for now, and the future is at least something they can navigate together as a team. it's kind of breathtaking and exhausting to stare at all the fucked up things that were routinely part of their lives that are potentially part of a closed chapter. his head gets lost in thoughts like that while his body gently rocks in time with shiro's movements. hell, he might've even drifted off at some pointt, only to blink back into wakefulness a few ticks later.
keeping track of anything important is difficult while there's still fog in his head, but keith trie sanyway up to the point where the wolf and shiro decide to take shelter in a shack.mercifully, walking is a little easier when he's placed back down on his feet, and by the time they've figured out what resources they have available and shiro goes for his perimeter check, keith settles on the edge of the bed and opens up a prison branded "cock in a sock" sausage snack for the wolf to eat. again, the fact that this had all been entirely normal feels entirel unreal.
his brow stays furrwed by the time shiro returns, though he looks up with a half smile. ]
I feel...
[ good. the answer is good. nice and simple, then they can just ove on without getting embroiled in an emotional minefield, right? giving the wolf a final pet around the ears, keith drops the sausage to the floor and heaves a deeper breath. ]
...I feel like I should be asking you that question. You were carrying me for a while. You gotta be pretty sore, right? Let me at least rub your back and shoulders.
[ it appears that someone is utilizing a well-used tactic from shiro’s playbook: diversion. that isn’t an answer, keith. shiro knows where this is going even before keith has uttered carrying me. he’s ready. he’s poised. he’s already rocking his head left and right in a slow moving signal of no, he is not sore, and as such, does not need a –
wait. back it up. say that again.
the shaking comes to an abrupt stop, his head slightly off-center so that he isn’t facing keith directly. a hard blink, as if recalibrating, and then he jerks his head back to the midline, eyes a little wider, a little fuller, a little spark of hope making them brighter. ]
Oh.
[ there’s a swift, mental kick to reset his slow as molasse brain. ]
Yeah. [ quicker now. ] Excruciatingly sore. [ and uplifted, too. hope makes him sound more present in the moment. happier. his confidence is yet to fully recover, but the next steps he take aren’t as tentative as before. there’s a surety to the way he walks to the bed and sits down a small space away, smile close to teasing. ] You might have to work on me for awhile.
[ it's impossible not to smile at the way shiro catches himself mid-headshake and does an exaggerated one-eighty. or at least, keith thinks so. the wolf looks up mid-chew to tilt his head in the universal gesture for bruh before returning to finish his well-deserved snack. eyes on shiro, keith doesn't notice that his wolf doesn't think that's charming though. instead, he's busy smiling a little shyly, almost as if it's too early in their journey as fugitives to be smiling too broadly ]
That's okay. I don't mind.
[ with how long shiro had been carrying him, keith wouldn't have complained about paying him back with a lengthy massage anyway. so with shiro seated on the edge of the bed, keith crawls up on top of the sheets and takes his spot kneeling behind shiro's back.
keith gets one hand on shiro's shoulder, then the other, and heaves a deep breath as he squeezes, slowly working his way close to the midline where he carefully presses his thumbs into the tight spaces between vertebrae. it's no surprise that working out the little knots in shiro's muscles is oddly relaxing -- touching shiro has been soothing for as long as keith can remember, even before things between them became far more sexual in nature.
but that's part of what's confusing, too. porn prison has normalized a lot of messed up things, but it's also what led to them sleeping together n the first place. now that they don't have sentence sheets looming over their heads,what does that mean for the two of them now? can they even be a couple, much less a normal couple? how many other couples have dealt with aphrodisiac-fueled rape, anyway.....
smile fading fast, keith is at least comforted by the fact that shiro can't see his face, but even that's barely any consolation. shiro has made it plain that he doesn't want keith thinking of the last time they had sex in those terms, but the forgiveness still feels deeply unearned.
but despite being arguably unworthy, keith takes a deep breath, the slides his hands under shiro's arms to embrace him tightly from behind. eyes closed, keith presses his forehead to the nape of shiro's neck and murmurs quietly: ]
...I know bigger things are going on right now, so I'm sorry -- I just need to know. Now that we don't have sentence sheets or anything... are we.... done with all of that?
[ there might have been a class on this. something something, massages are sensual and calming, the prolonged touch a great foundation for future intimacy. that’s the theory anyway. shiro received a massage from another inmate way back when and it, thankfully, didn’t lead to anything else, but here, he finds himself thinking… hoping…? it’s keith’s fault. his boy has great hands and even greater instincts. shiro doesn’t want to fuck per say, or even do anything sexual right now, but he does want to close his eyes and sink into the intoxicating feeling of fingers and thumbs digging in at just the right angle and just the right pressure…
it isn’t just the hours of carrying keith on his back. shiro has knots upon knots from the routine taxation of his body, both from simply working out and from carrying a metal weight on his right. the prosthetic is heavy. it requires upper body strength, as well as a strong core, to keep the weight from continually pitching him to the right. stress is, of course, another factor that keeps him tense, too. so there is no shortage of sore muscle for keith to find with those lovely, glove enhanced hands of his.
it’s such a shame that it ends so soon.
arms slip around and in, wrapping at his torso. a squeeze brings keith’s closer and they’re there again: keith draped against his back. well, perhaps less draping and more hugging. shiro opens his eyes and looks down at the grasping of keith’s hands, soon bringing his left up to cover one of keith’s. his thumb picks up an almost automatic caress, back and forth, back and forth skimming knuckle as he watches for one beat, two, and then carefully turns his head. he doesn’t want to dislodge keith in any way, so he doesn’t crane as much as he can. just enough to manage a slight peek from the corner of his eyes.
he has a good idea of what keith is trying to say. sex. are they done with sex? but he can’t be entirely sure. maybe keith means a more specified abundance of kink. shiro also can’t be sure this doesn’t have to do with their conversation before the sentries showed up. so – ask, he tells himself. ]
[ nothing about the request for clarification is surprising. keith had been vague after all, but with intention. shiro could have filled in the blanks himself, giving him the full authority to define the parameters of their relationship now that no part of it is necessitated by prison. in hindsight, keith isn't sure if that vagueness had been respectful on his part or cowardly, but given teh state of things, he doesn't think he has the right to presume much of anything.
taking a steadying breath, keith allows himself to be soothed by the warmth of shiro's body before responding with: ]
... yeah.
[ pathetic, huh? trying to be a little less useless in conversation, keith lets out a second breath and continues. ]
Or anything else? Prison started a lot of things between us, and now that none of it needs to happen anymore, I guess I just wanna know what you're choosing to do with that. [ a beat. ] ... With us.
[ … or anything else? ah. it isn’t just a question of intimacy. it’s a question about their relationship. forget sex, should they kiss, hug, be together? there’s a moment, when the incredulousness gives and realization settles to the point of insult, that requires shiro to take pause. he’s trying hard not to take offense to keith’s insecurity. given the past week and their last round of intimacy, keith has reason to doubt the continuation of their relationship. shiro knows that and yet, shiro can’t completely tune out the memory of every reassurance he’s given today. keith was drugged, he’s just as quick to remind himself, and slowly, carefully, talks himself further away from his exhaustion twinged exasperation. ]
Keith…
[ he gives up on trying to look at the boy huddled behind him, so clearly determined to conduct this conversation not face to face. so shiro’s option is to look forward and take a breath. moment spent, he then huffs, dropping his head back to knock it against keith, who is still very much hiding in his nape. ]
You bonehead.
[ it’s a different tactic. a different approach. keith barely listened to him when he was sweet voiced and gentle; that isn’t to say he’s harsher here. just… flippant with a tease, the trace of a smile apparent in his voice as he fondly chastises. ]
Breaking outta prison doesn’t mean we’re breaking up, too. [ the caressing comes to a pause, his hand stilling to blanket keith’s instead. he squeezes there and then reaches high and back with his right, metal finding keith to cup the side of his head. ]
I told you I love you. [ and that he wanted keith to figure out a way for them to be together; to stay together, remember? ] I’d like to keep dating you… but only if that’s what you want as well.
[ bonehead? seriously? here keith is trying to make sure that shiro definitely wants to be making these choices, and shiro's reaction is to tease like keith is being absolutely ridiculous?
perhaps after everything that's been said, it's arguably overkill in keit's part to stop, check, and re-check, but it's only because shiro matters. is that so wrong? he huffs his indignation loudly, pouting intensely at shiro's nape, but keeps a more snappy retort to himself when shiro pretzels and gets a hand in his hair. ]
Of course, I want to date you.
[ grumbled and somewhat indignant, keith fails to keep the pout out of his voice. ]
It's just -- listen. I've never had a boyfriend before you. I've never wanted one before you. And I don't know what normal dating is like either, but I assume sentence sheets and porn prison drugs forcing unwanted sex don't usually factor into the typical boyfriend deal.So just -- stop laughing at me and help me work this out.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
I SUPPOSE NOT.
coward. yea, right. hilarious.
but keith can't seem to make his llungs work right to laugh. his breathing stays quick and shallow, eyes closing as shiro puts a cool hand on his forehead. it's difficult to focus, let alone think, but keith tries anyway, brow furrowing with the effort as he pushes the raw memory of burning skin farther away.
after all, here isn't an abandoned galra facility hidden in an asteroid realities away.here is a different kind of alien facility where compromised choice is the norm and -- ]
I should've known better.
[ and isn't that the story of his fucking life? whenever it comes to shiro. not just the shiro from his reality that keith had never realized had been replaced with a clone, but this shiro too. expression falling, keith turns his face away, voice thick with regret. ]
Shoulda known. You're the last person I ever wanna do anything to that you don't want and ) - this place made me take advantage of you anyway. I thought - I really thought you liked it, but it turns out I might've raped you, and I - maybe I really do deserve to be here.
YOU DONT SOUND ENTHUSED, which will only anger the brainlink
– I might've raped you –
it's akin to being slapped. that word. that god awful word. not just that, either, but that word in keith's voice, so guilty, so distressed, so self-loathing…
expectation changes and the plan is rewritten in an instant. the gentleness is gone from his voice, as well as his face. the steadiness of his patience breaks and then words are spilling out, every syllable firm with unquestionable certainty. ]
You did not rape me.
[ he fails in masking his frustration. it isn't wholly directed at keith. per usual, most of it is reserved for himself. he used to be better at this; at controlling his emotions and ensuring others saw only what he deemed acceptable to show. is it the lingering trace of drugs in his system that makes him sloppy? the anxiety fueled adrenaline of their situation? or is it simply because he lacks the restraint when it comes to keith? keith, who is both his strength and his weakness, the balance between the two so precarious that shiro is often fighting within himself, trying to find his own footing.
he shouldn't be surprised. that's what love does to a person.
clenching his jaw tight in the aftermath of spitting out that dirty word, shiro gnashes his teeth until they hurt and then, only then, is he able to bring himself back into check for a conscious calming of his voice. ]
I wanted you. [ not the entire truth, he tells himself. ] I want you still.
[ remember his plan to let keith look away and collect himself, as shiro slowly coaxes him into looking at him again? so much for that. shiro grasps keith by the chin and turns his face toward him, because as much as he wants to say it's for keith, the move is mostly for shiro. shiro needs the connection. he needs to erase those ill thoughts from keith's head and replace them with understanding and truth. as shiro should have done from the beginning. fuck, just… has keith been toiling over this idea of raping him for the entire week…?
remorse thickens his voice again, everything heavy and slow like molasses. not due to hesitation this time, but the weight of his own damnation. ]
You were so good to me, baby. So gentle, so caring… don't you dare think any part of it was… [ unwanted. unreciprocated. rape. ] – that. You'd never do something like that to me. [ his hand moves from his chin to his cheek, keeping keith turned toward him with a curl of his fingers and a caress of his thumb. ] Because you're good. So good to me.
[ here's the waver. just a moment of hesitation. even now, it's difficult for him to be wholly honest with himself, as he distances his own desires from that of responsibility. ultimately, it is responsibility that wins… but it's responsibility to keith, not to voltron and not to his own reality. ]
That's why I love you. I love you so much, baby… I meant it then and I mean it now. That hasn't changed.
SCREAMING?!
nothing trips keith over his own thoughts like that one does. for all that he hates the way reparacija operates, where would the best relationship of his life be without it? if they could be free tomorrow, but never see each other again, would he really be able to turn his back on this codemned hell hole? is itbad that doesn't have a fucking answer? and what does it say about him that when shiro forces him to hold eye contact that keith crumbles under the knowledge that he doesn't want shiro to leave him behind?
you were so good to me, so caring.... that's why i love you.
heart squeezing painfully tight, keith looks up at shiro with growing despondence. ]
But... but I'm not. I'm not good to you.
[ gingerly, keith wraps his fingers around shiro's wrist, holding on in silent desperation. ]
If I could, I'd keep you with me. Even if it means being stuck in this horrible place.
[ hell, even if it means falling from a platform to oblivion. ]
shhhh everything is fine. we get to have good food today
i’m not good to you.
– but not when he’s on this side of it. self-deprecation and self-sacrifice are habitual things shiro is, unfortunately, well-versed in. of course he realizes that every time he distances himself from keith for one reason or another, it’s frustrating to keith. painful, too, but he’s always thought it to be a pain born from being denied what he wants in the moment. it hurts for another reason, though, huh? it actually hurts to sit here and listen, watch, feel keith closing in on himself with bitter words.
shiro has many regrets, some too traumatic to even begin to put into words, this here, though? this he can verbalize: he’s the one who is not good to keith. keith deserves better than someone who can’t get his thoughts and emotions in check. someone who can be open and honest from the beginning. someone who isn’t perpetually torn between love and obligation. someone who –
fuck, he’s doing it again.
if i could, i’d keep you with me.
as self-serving as it feels, like he’s the one getting the better end of the bargain, shiro banishes the temptation to talk himself down into a black hole of loathing, instead putting all of his focus back where it belongs: on keith. his smile is bittersweet, his expression never progressing further than what can only be deemed apologetic. his touch continues to be steady and sweet however, thumb scooting across his cheek again. ]
We can’t stay here, sweetheart.
[ punishment looms. they may not be able to escape being discovered for their latest acts, but they can’t keep doing this. they can’t settle for compromised autonomy and a small, secluded world. shiro’s drive to explore and experience the unknown may have darkened somewhat from what it used to be, but keith… fuck, shiro can’t stomach the thought of someone as beautiful and vibrant as this boy being locked up forever. keith is meant to soar, not to have his wings clipped so readily.
taking a breath, shiro forces his voice lighter, hope and encouragement coloring his next words. ]
But that doesn’t mean you can’t keep me.
[ another caress of his thumb and then he bows a little closer, voice softening as though sharing a secret. ]
… You promised, remember? I’m counting on you to help me figure this out… because I need you just as much.
._. !!!!!!!!
but even knowing all that, it's hard not to be selfish in his reflections of the aftermath. separated from his boyfriend by entire realities, forever haunted by the white-haired version of the shiro in his reality of all the things they could have been but never were.
shiro's hand is a warm constant on his face, and keith blinks slow through the rest of his words. leaving porn prison and keeping shiro has always been at odds with each other, if only because the end goal of escaping here is an inevitable return to their respective realities. or at least, it had always been one and the same because abandoning their realities had been utterly unthinkable.
up until now, that is. shiro comes closer and an impossibly heavy weight comes off keith's soul as the unthinkable is allowed, even briefly, to become thinkable. eyes widening, keith stares up, his grip inadvertently going slack on his boy's wrist. ]
... You really mean that? It's not something messed up in your system again?
ROFL it's so sad... i'm still laughing/crying over the chances of that happening
… supposedly. it’s clear that the drugs are still potent in this boy’s system. is keith even capable of fully comprehending, as well as remembering all of this when he’s no longer compromised?
uncertain, but having no alternative, because he can’t simply stop now, shiro keeps his hand at keith’s face and lifts his other, gently pulling that loosened grip looser. ]
I really mean it.
[ he doesn’t look away from that wide-eyed stare, making sure that the meaning of those words hit their point and sink in. as for keith’s hand, shiro takes those slackened fingers and holds them, resting their combined hands over keith’s sternum. it’s a slight criss crossing of limbs, but shiro likes having all the points of contact, hoping that keith feels as grounded as he does in the moment. ]
I want us to be together.
/kicks the universe another time
but words are easy, actions are not. if shiro truly wants them to be together, then this past week of intangible distance shouldn't have happened. the contradiction picks and picks away at the back of keith's skull until doubt dims the warmth of his adoration. ]
But you were mad at me, right? For what I did to you?
[ rape, that is. the sole reason keith avoids using the ugly word again is down to the intensity of shiro's reaction the first time. ]
I... I don't know how to make things right, Shiro.
IT'S OKAY THO. in a few days...
they’ll talk about this again, he knows. once keith is clear-headed. once neither of them are stripped down in a horridly uncertain situation. and once they’re free of the overreaching danger of being discovered and subsequently punished. maybe then it won’t be such a battle for shiro to convince keith that his intentions are genuine. for now, though, he tries his best to settle keith just enough to put a crack in that doubt.
and the quickest way to do that? he leans down and takes a kiss from his mouth, resting solid and resting heavy, to make keith really feel the weight of everything shiro is feeling. no open mouth and no tongue, just a firm meeting of their lips as shiro holds and holds, breaking away after a few, long beats. ]
I’m not mad. [ wait. that’s not entirely true. ] Not at you.
[ better. he sighs again, still keeping all points of contact between them. ]
I’m mad that I’m an idiot when it comes to you.
[ he used to be so much better at this. oddly enough, he was better at managing their relationship when they hardly had one; back in the garrison days, when he was diligently working at gaining this disgruntled kid’s trust. now… sometimes shiro truly believes that everything that’s happened to him has damaged him beyond repair.
or maybe that’s a scapegoat. afterall, his track record for love isn’t stellar. can he honestly say that he was open and honest with adam in all aspects of their relationship, too? that he was always understanding and patient? for how readily available he makes himself to building people up when they need it, does he truly know how to love unconditionally? maybe not, he thinks… but he’s learning. he’s trying. he already loves this boy, he knows it, he feels it. he just… needs to love him better.
god, even in the privacy of his own head, that sounds stupid enough for him to be embarrassed by it. it’s true, though. keith is it for him and one day, shiro is going to make him believe it. ]
I know I haven’t given you enough reason to believe me, but try to, baby. I love you.
MANN HOW HAS IT BEEN MONTHS...
shiro loves him -- that's what keith has to focus on. it still doesn't process quite right though, because the difference between the euphoria he'd felt that first time he heard shiro say those words and the misery he feels now may as well be a chasm. perhaps the issue is as simple as not knowing what it's like to truly feel loved by shiro. that first high was spun out of control by potpourri, and this low isn't free of chemical influence either.
expression crumpling, keith takes a deep stabilizing breath and recomposes. ]
And I love you.
[ a beat. ]
But I still did things to you that you didn't want and it made you change. Even if you still love me, it's different, isn't it? This place used me to hurt you and I'm not safe for you to be around.
holy crap, it really has been months LOL
and that is precisely why they can’t stay here. shiro thinks it, but he doesn’t say it. not again. they keep doing this; rounding back to the same arguments, seemingly arguing for the sake of it because neither of them can be swayed from their positions. once more, shiro wonders if this is how keith has felt every time shiro has talked himself down, too deep in his own self-reprimand that even the kindest words can’t pull him free.
perhaps it’s time for a refresher on that. ]
I'm not safe for you to be around, either.
[ and the most damning part about that? shiro can’t attribute all of it to this place as keith can. remember the simulator? remember half an hour ago? a lot of it has been the fault of this god awful place, that’s true, but shiro’s weapon of choice is very much attached to him. it will always be with him. and when he’s perpetually on a trigger with no certain idea of what will set him off on a panic attack… who’s to say he won’t go blind and deaf to reality again? what if he gets stuck in his head and he attacks keith again? what if, next time, he uses his arm as more than a threat?
and hell, even when he’s trying to help him, he still hurts him.
that is a lot of what ifs. he’s been afraid of what ifs for a long time, so often creating a cage for himself to measure and restrain his own wants and needs in order to maintain some illusion of control. he thought he could live that. he was committed to living like that, but…
keith. keith has been challenging him from the very beginning, coaxing him over and over to reevaluate what he’s deemed acceptable for himself. ]
I changed long before any of this… but you love me in spite of that.
[ again, he swipes his fingers along keith’s face, pushing hair aside and mapping, slowly, the shape of his temple to cheek to jaw. ]
I love you. The only thing about that that has changed is that I am in love with you. And now that I am, it will never change again.
/o\
but life isn't so simple. after all, it isn't just in this messed up prison that keith's love of shiro has been warped to some other cruel end. it's back home, too, where keith being too blind to see the truth of what happened to his best friend has hurt him -- hurt them, perhaps irreparably. keith certainly has the scars to show for it.
and now what? because shiro cares -- loves him enough not to abandon him on a bondage rig to be displayed for public use, shiro has to suffer the consequences of destroying the sentries that keith couldn't finish off in the first place?
is love supposed to trap people in cycles of mutual pain and suffering? or is it simply something about keith that drags shiro down -- not just in his home reality, but every reality? the question hurts his head, compounding the dull throb at the base of his skull, and suddenly keith is more tired than he's ever felt in his life.
struggling through the disorientation of the drugs that want him lying flat and spread on the bed, keith slowly sits himself up and settles with his head pressed to the wall. ]
... and I love you. More than I could ever love anyone else in this whole universe.
[ the smile he manages is weak, and holds only for a beat before it falls away for something hollow. ]
But maybe..... maybe that's not such a good thing. If we keep hurting each other... [ he pauses, swallowing hard through the tightness in his throat. ] Maybe we're just not good for each other. I'm tired, Shiro. I'm so tired of messing things up with you. I- I just don't know what I'm doing anymore.
i'm still gutted over keith's thoughts ._.
fuck.
eventually, keith begins to move. shiro is right there to help with gentle hands, his touch staying even as keith finds support against the wall. the pressure of his hands becomes even softer, sweeter when keith reaffirms what shiro already knows and already treasures. i love you. thumbs brush for a stroke and then backtrack for a caress, that small, semi-weak smile drawing a sunnier one from shiro himself, like he’s trying to encourage keith into gifting him a wider one.
maybe we’re just not good for each other.
the smile turns static and brittle, souring right off of his face as shock has lips parting and eyes widening. the caresses stop, too. abruptly, he lets go, hands hovering over their placements for an extended beat before shiro pulls them back toward himself. confusion takes over quickly, his expression turned lost and uncertain, brow furrowed so harshly that he develops deep lines.
what? that’s the one resounding thought that dominates his brain, everything in him searching for an answer, only to come up completely empty. how did it come to this so quickly? he can’t say the concept of them being better off not romantically involved is entirely out of left field, but from keith it is. keith is the one who fights so hard to keep them together, not just here, but back in their own realities. keith is the one who doesn’t know how to give up on them. keith is the one who is supposed to chase after shiro, not walk away from him.
fuck, that last one is a bit cruel, isn’t it? maybe shiro really is bad for keith if he can formulate such a selfish expectation. relationships are meant to be balanced. equal. can shiro honestly say he’s shown keith as much love, respect, and consideration that keith has shown him time and time again? ]
No. [ he can’t. but also, no, he isn’t going to let that be the summation of their relationship. shiro can change; he has changed. the time of walking away has long passed. they’re in too deep. shiro is in too deep. ] You are not giving up on us.
[ reaching across, he takes keith’s hands in his, squeezing with meaning. ]
We overcome everything thrown at us, because we're stronger together. I don't want… [ a slight pause, his expression hardening with determination. ] I refuse to give up on what we have. Life is made better by you being in it, by being able to love you, so please… [ he squeezes again, giving his captured hands a little shake. ] … don’t let this defeat us.
shhh, he'll be fine. eventally
maybe it has nothing to do with anything physical. it takes so little of shiro's distress for keith to be moved into action, even if he has no idea what the hell action he ought to take.]
I don't like this either, Shiro. In my wildest dreams, I never thought I'd become a paladin and help people across the universe live free. I never thought I'd get to meet my mom or - or meet so many other incredible people. But even with all that, you're the most important thing that's ever happened to me and I think no matter what happens, I'll always be yours.
[ keith huffs, managing yet another small smile as he gives their clasped hands a long look. ]
And the fact that I got to call you mine, even for a little while, feels like the most amazing thing I've ever done. Crazy, huh? Flying in a sentient lion at faster-than-light speed doesn't even come close to making me feel as good as getting to hold your hand or seeing your smile when I call you babe.
[ with his voice threatening to crack, krith closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. willing himself to stay level, he squeezes shiro's hands and keeps his voice soft and low. ]
...but deep down, I think you know I'm not good for you. I can't think straight when it comes to you, and it always leads to hurting you, even though that's the last thing I fucking want. That's why you kept your distance, right? To protect yourself? So just... keep doing it. I can't run. I can't fight. But you can. There's no reason that you should get caught and punished by the warden. Let me just take the fall.
it's been three years of hating that word. i continue to hate it.
but they do, because shiro can’t bring himself to shush keith. he’s a glutton for things like you’re the most important thing that’s ever happened to me and i’ll always be yours and i got to call you mine. got to? get to. the warning bells grow a little louder in the wake of that, but he still can’t stop him, simply sitting there as he waits for the other shoe to drop.
and it does.
funnily enough, keith has it wrong. i think you know i’m no good for you. funnily enough, shiro is one of the few who has never thought that. he’s been warned many times, though. the facility of a junior high years ago when he showed interest. the disciplinary office personnel when he vouched yet again. a certain commander of galaxy garrison when he started toeing the line of mentorship. a cadet speaking far too candidly when shiro began to fail at curbing his favoritism. a neglected fiancé when he returned from yet another hoverbike outing. even a few paladins have grumbled in the aftermath of a disagreement. but shiro? no. never. shiro has never been able to be convinced away from keith by anyone and he isn’t about to start listening about his apparent blindspot, even when the warnings come from keith directly.
it may have worked in the beginning of their captivity, when shiro was looking for support and reason to keep distance. see, he tried to stay away here at prison, not due to believing keith to be no good for him, but because he’s too good. too precious. too essential to shiro’s stability and happiness as a whole, that he’s been afraid to damage any part of their friendship.
but they’re beyond that now. if anything, parting now, under these circumstances, would ensure what shiro has tried to avoid: the destruction of their friendship.
that’s why you kept your distance, right?
to protect yourself?
he’s begun shaking his head, slowly at first with a disbelief that keeps him unblinking and staring.
i can’t run.
i can’t fight.
the shaking picks up.
let me just take the fall.
this absolute imbecile. shock stills his tongue, but horror shakes him loose, right onto a spike in exasperation that leaves him frustrated and panicked, two emotions that loosen his tongue. he’s one breath away from calling this idiot boy exactly that, but as impeccable timing goes, it’s at that precise moment that there’s a crash downstairs, followed by the unmistakable clatter of mechanical parts lugging around. it seems their time has run out. ]
Fuck. [ he squeezes hard at keith’s hands, momentarily defeated by their inevitable discovery and so, helplessly trying to siphon off as much strength as he can off of their connection. he composes himself as best he can and then shakes his head, drawing a breath before pulling his hands from keith’s to cup his face, encouraging him to look at him. ]
I am not abandoning you. [ it’s said firmly, nothing in his tone allowing for an argument. ] It’s you and me ‘til the end.
[ and then he steals a kiss. one, two, and suddenly, there’s a flash of light in the room. adrenaline has him ripping away from keith and standing up, turned and already poised for a fight when his gaze lands on – ]
Holy shit, am I glad to see you.
[ the space wolf is standing there, eyes swiveling from shiro to keith, and once there, they don’t stray again as the animal immediately clamors closer, nearly knocking shiro out of the way as he hops up on the bed. keith has told him time and time again that the space wolf is an intelligent being. admittedly, shiro has witnessed the intelligence himself, but here is the first time that he really sees how meticulous and understanding the animal is as he carefully moves around keith, sniffing and looking him over, as if cataloguing everything that is different about his friend. ]
He’s been drugged. We need to get him out of here. [ that doesn’t make the space wolf move any faster, not when those yellowed eyes are now on the burn of keith’s leg. shiro grimaces and then shrinks under the gaze that snaps up, settling on him. ] I know, I’m sorry… but please, you can take him somewhere safe.
no subject
it isn't, of course, because reparacija by nature stands to benefit more from repeated violations of their bodies than it does their deaths, but the prospect of being strung up on that stage pumped full of mind-melting aphrodisiac to drown out the outrage of their abuse isn't much of a consolation.
shiro could still escape that imminent punishment perhaps he can't avoid the indignity of porn prison indefinitely, considering the way misconducts are issued, but at least he wouldn't have to suffer more than he already has for this one day.
before keith can articulate any of that, there's a familiar flash of light and a space wolf sidling up close to come look him over. despite the horrid state keith is in, it's impossible not to smile when his wolf friend sniffs at his face. keith has always been amazed by how smart and expressive the space wolf is, making his displeasure with the angry burn perfectly known. shiro's apology earns a disapproving whuffle, which keith tries to ease away with a gentle rub at his neck.]
It's okay, buddy. It was just an accident. We have to get away from here.
[ the wolf shifts his gaze to keith, head tilted skeptically as if trying to work out what possible chain of events led up toshiro missing his pants, a burn on keith's leg and a stampede of sentries donstairs, but quickly lets out a second discontented whuffle.
edging forward, the space wolf gets his teeth on shiro's metal arm while keeping a paw on keith's foot. before anyone gets to complain about it, the worn down bedroom disappears in a flash of light, and the trio reappear at the northeastern section of the prison where the prison yard meets the barrier. ]
Woah...
[ freshly dsoriented, keith blinks then shakily gets to his knees. the wolf meanwhile has yet to release shiro's metal hand and tugs very insistently to direct his attention towards a sizable crawlspace in the barrier through which the world beyond the prison walls can be seen. far from anything idlyllic, their first glimpse at freedom on this planet looks like an abandoned, torn up parkin lot.
following the wolf's direction, keith hunkers down, gasps then nervously looks up to shiro. ]
Could be dangerous out there, Shiro....
[ the little reconnaissance they've been able to do with the space wolf's assistance hadn't exactly pointed to anything habitable, but who knows what this planet could be beyond the immediate prison perimeter? at the very least, between them they really ought to havea. full set of clothes and shoes. ]
no subject
woah.
shiro looks to keith, heart lurching and feet already stumbling to cross the little distance… but then he’s being tugged by the hand and – what? shiro sends an exasperated look at the space wolf and then beyond him when he’s rebuffed with another tug.
there’s an opening.
more specifically, there’s an opening in the fence that they can fit through.
freedom. this is what they’ve wanted for so long, that now that it’s right there, shiro is, oddly, struck with a temporary sense of paralysis. could be dangerous? yeah. they used to know what they were in for. as unpredictable as the prison could be, there was some semblance of order that made life manageable. now though… it’s deteriorated into something else. so – dangerous out there? ]
Probably is, but we’ve got a better chance out there than we do in here.
[ he moves to make a gesture with his hands, only to find that, right, he’s still a chew toy. he tugs experimentally. dude, let go…? shiro frowns at the space wolf, even as he compliments: ]
The wolf and I are tough, though, right boy? [ another tug and this time, the space wolf lets go after a mouth full of woof. shiro extends and curls his metal fingers, ensuring that, no, pointy space wolf teeth did not tweak any panels or gears. he steps closer then, dropping into a crouch beside keith. ] We’ll handle everything until you get your bearings back.
[ a pause, expression tightening with concern and a tentativeness that seeps into his voice. ]
Though… I need you to do one thing for me first. [ command the space wolf to zap to his cube and gather together two full outfits for them both? who knows how much time they actually have. minutes? seconds? the sooner they’re out, the safer they’ll be. probably better they aren’t running around in prison garb anyway. ] Think you can crawl through on your own?
[ because it’s rather narrow, even for one person. through the fence and to an abysmal slab of asphalt; the building that borders it is similarly empty, at least it appears so from this angle. all is quiet, and shiro wishes to say that it's comforting to think that no one will be privy to them shimmying through a break in the parameter, but it’s almost as alarming to believe that it can be that easy. ]
( ooc: so i don't forget: the parking lot )
no subject
it's just... so sudden and seemingly so easy.
frowning, keith glances through the hole in the barrier to look at the uninviting, abandoned landscape beyond the prison walls. perhaps it won't be so easy once they're out there without any supplies and without a full set of clothes between them, but as his gaze shifts back to shiro, keith finds himself nodding.
if shiro wants to do this, then keith isn't about to be the one to stop him. after all, shiro's been in this place before, hasn't he? escaping from alien imprisonment with an uncertain future lying in wait had to have been terrifying, but shiro doesn't seem nervous here at all. his best friend has always been brave in the face of the unknown,, huh... ]
Yeah. Just wish we had some supplies.
[ hurriedly quashing a surge in feeling, keith tips forward onto his hands and knees and starts to crawl through the narrow space. no questions asked, no more doubts raised -- just unshakily forward. the crawlspace itself is narrow, but isn't more than a foot long. pushing through the deadweight of his limbs, keith crawls through as fast as he can, emerging on the other side of the opaque barrier with a disoriented blink as he dusts off his hands and knees. the asphalt beneath his feet is in dire need of maintenance, and so is the nearest structure in the distance. keith stares, the eerie unnatural silence of the world thick in his ears, then quickly shuffles to the side to make room for shiro and the wolf.
keith doesn't dare say a word, like breaking the silence might cause something out there to stir, but with his heart hammering away in his chest, he remains tense and unable to relax until both shiro and the wolf make it through. ]
C'mon, c'mon, c'mon..
[ he mouths the words silently as two ticks pass by with no sign of either shiro or the wolf. the opacity of the barrier works against him here, with panic threatening to overtake until shiro squeezes his way through the tight fit. keith finally exhales, hurriedly reaching to take shiro's hand, but then: ]
...where's the wolf?
[ but perhaps he needn't have worried. another moment and the wolf pushes a satchel stuffed with instant noodles and a hodgepodge of clothes through and emerges on the other side. the wolf gives himself a vigorous shake and trots over to keith's side for a nuzzle.
they're far from being free. reparacija is a foot away, after all. but standing on the other side of the barrier for the first time with shiro and the wolf is almost overwhelming anyway. keith looks from one to the other, disbelief written on his face before he simply says: ]
...Wow.
no subject
lube– there are a number of things that shiro would have packed tightly into a backpack if he’d awoken this morning with any indication that today would be the day they slipped free. as it is, shiro is tragically unprepared, to the point that it is grimly amusing in its utter ludicrousness. he has nothing at his disposal. he doesn’t even have clothes. completely bare and completely exposed, the only usefulness he brings to this escape is the strength of his body. knowing that, shiro is quick to prove that by following hot on keith’s heels. through the fence and to the other side, shiro tries to keep a level-head – because that is also something he can provide if he focuses – but no, he’s failing on that front, too. he should be keeping surveillance. immediately, he should be taking stock of their surroundings more than a too quick glance around.see, shiro’s distraction is that keith is on his feet. shiro, who is perpetually on edge when it comes to keith’s wellbeing, finds himself watching his boyfriend instead. he’s fine. he’s stable. he isn’t swaying or tumbling over. shiro doesn’t need to be tense, ready to spring into action for a catch. still, let it be known that he has yet to let go of keith’s hand.
where’s the wolf?
the what – oh. shiro glances to the torn fence, opening his mouth for a defaulted he’s coming, don’t worry that he hopes is actually true, only to snap his lps together over a click of his teeth when a blue hairball squeezes through. it is at that moment that shiro releases keith’s hand, partly due to the space wolf crowding keith and, in no uncertain terms, making it known that this is his human to look after, mr.-leg-burner. the other partly has to do with the satchel of goodies. food and clothes, that’s two things off the list, the latter especially welcome as shiro digs through to pull on pants, boots and the first shirt he happens to grab.
which, as luck would have it, is actually keith’s. it stretches, but it’s definitely a fitted tank now.
wow.
no, keith is not talking about shiro. shiro slings the satchel’s strap over his head and around an arm, securing it to rest across his body. a chunk of broken asphalt crunches under his boot with his first step and those blue ears flick toward him, furry face turning toward him in the next beat. shiro musters a smile and it must be adequate enough, because he’s allowed to sidle in close to their favorite boy. he touches keith’s shoulder with tempered gentleness, the rush needed for the seriousness of their situation momentarily absent. ]
I’ll give you a better sightseeing tour. [ he quirks a smile and then crouches down, indicating for keith to drape over his back. ] Climb aboard.
[ and after being especially careful in the placement of keith’s burn as he lifts his precious cargo, they’re off. the space wolf trots ahead, playing leader. shiro doesn’t mind at all. he imagines a celestial being like the wolf has more finely tuned senses that he can't even begin to understand, meaning it’s likely safer to trust those instincts and faculties than it is for shiro to pick a direction and hope for the best. across cracked streets, through abandoned neighborhoods and further still, to bypass buildings that are as eerily quiet as everything else has been, the trio walk and walk and walk.
shiro loses track of time. the more distance they cover, the better, so he voices no complaints, even as his lower back aches and his arms strain. keith says something about putting him down at one point, that he’s fine and he can walk on his own, but shiro counters that having keith wrapped around him is the highest form of motivation to keep moving. the protests are quiet after that.
they’re losing light by the time they find a place. they’ve been off the road for a good while now, but until recently, they’d been parallel to it. now, they’re something close to a mile perpendicular to it. the space wolf has, periodically been zapping here and there, seemingly scouting ahead to adjust their trajectory and so, he must’ve found this shack during one of those jumps. it isn’t great, but it’s better than huddling together tonight, out in the open.
the door takes some shouldering – after setting keith down – and then they’re inside, promptly taking over what shiro hopes is an abandoned would-be shelter. time lapses with chores after that: taking inventory of both the room and the satchel, mostly, though shiro does leave for a short while, to check the perimeter and familiarize himself with an exit strategy if the worst happens. he comes back to keith and the space wolf settled in, the stove unlit due to an agreement that it’d be safer to keep a low profile. which means they’ll be getting cozy tonight.
usually, the thought would have him smiling, but after the turmoil of their last intimacy, hesitance plagues his confidence. ]
Looks good out there. [ he pulls the door shut, the desk lamp providing enough light that keith is bathed in a soft glow. ] We should keep moving tomorrow and put more distance between us and the prison, but I think we’ll be okay here for a few hours of shut eye. [ and even though he asked earlier, he asks again: ] How are you feeling?
no subject
not that thinking this way accelerates the elimination of unknown drugs from his system, but there's something profound about the idea that this could be the last time they're ever hurt or abused in this way. from here on out, their lives could be fully back in their hands. no more random aphrodisiacs, no more flying rocket dildos, just ... a whole lot of silence in a desolate world.
but it's their world for now, and the future is at least something they can navigate together as a team. it's kind of breathtaking and exhausting to stare at all the fucked up things that were routinely part of their lives that are potentially part of a closed chapter. his head gets lost in thoughts like that while his body gently rocks in time with shiro's movements. hell, he might've even drifted off at some pointt, only to blink back into wakefulness a few ticks later.
keeping track of anything important is difficult while there's still fog in his head, but keith trie sanyway up to the point where the wolf and shiro decide to take shelter in a shack.mercifully, walking is a little easier when he's placed back down on his feet, and by the time they've figured out what resources they have available and shiro goes for his perimeter check, keith settles on the edge of the bed and opens up a prison branded "cock in a sock" sausage snack for the wolf to eat. again, the fact that this had all been entirely normal feels entirel unreal.
his brow stays furrwed by the time shiro returns, though he looks up with a half smile. ]
I feel...
[ good. the answer is good. nice and simple, then they can just ove on without getting embroiled in an emotional minefield, right? giving the wolf
a final pet around the ears, keith drops the sausage to the floor and heaves a deeper breath. ]
...I feel like I should be asking you that question. You were carrying me for a while. You gotta be pretty sore, right? Let me at least rub your back and shoulders.
no subject
wait.
back it up.
say that again.
the shaking comes to an abrupt stop, his head slightly off-center so that he isn’t facing keith directly. a hard blink, as if recalibrating, and then he jerks his head back to the midline, eyes a little wider, a little fuller, a little spark of hope making them brighter. ]
Oh.
[ there’s a swift, mental kick to reset his slow as molasse brain. ]
Yeah. [ quicker now. ] Excruciatingly sore. [ and uplifted, too. hope makes him sound more present in the moment. happier. his confidence is yet to fully recover, but the next steps he take aren’t as tentative as before. there’s a surety to the way he walks to the bed and sits down a small space away, smile close to teasing. ] You might have to work on me for awhile.
no subject
That's okay. I don't mind.
[ with how long shiro had been carrying him, keith wouldn't have complained about paying him back with a lengthy massage anyway. so with shiro seated on the edge of the bed, keith crawls up on top of the sheets and takes his spot kneeling behind shiro's back.
keith gets one hand on shiro's shoulder, then the other, and heaves a deep breath as he squeezes, slowly working his way close to the midline where he carefully presses his thumbs into the tight spaces between vertebrae. it's no surprise that working out the little knots in shiro's muscles is oddly relaxing -- touching shiro has been soothing for as long as keith can remember, even before things between them became far more sexual in nature.
but that's part of what's confusing, too. porn prison has normalized a lot of messed up things, but it's also what led to them sleeping together n the first place. now that they don't have sentence sheets looming over their heads,what does that mean for the two of them now? can they even be a couple, much less a normal couple? how many other couples have dealt with aphrodisiac-fueled rape, anyway.....
smile fading fast, keith is at least comforted by the fact that shiro can't see his face, but even that's barely any consolation. shiro has made it plain that he doesn't want keith thinking of the last time they had sex in those terms, but the forgiveness still feels deeply unearned.
but despite being arguably unworthy, keith takes a deep breath, the slides his hands under shiro's arms to embrace him tightly from behind. eyes closed, keith presses his forehead to the nape of shiro's neck and murmurs quietly: ]
...I know bigger things are going on right now, so I'm sorry -- I just need to know. Now that we don't have sentence sheets or anything... are we.... done with all of that?
i feel like nothing happens in this tag l:
it isn’t just the hours of carrying keith on his back. shiro has knots upon knots from the routine taxation of his body, both from simply working out and from carrying a metal weight on his right. the prosthetic is heavy. it requires upper body strength, as well as a strong core, to keep the weight from continually pitching him to the right. stress is, of course, another factor that keeps him tense, too. so there is no shortage of sore muscle for keith to find with those lovely, glove enhanced hands of his.
it’s such a shame that it ends so soon.
arms slip around and in, wrapping at his torso. a squeeze brings keith’s closer and they’re there again: keith draped against his back. well, perhaps less draping and more hugging. shiro opens his eyes and looks down at the grasping of keith’s hands, soon bringing his left up to cover one of keith’s. his thumb picks up an almost automatic caress, back and forth, back and forth skimming knuckle as he watches for one beat, two, and then carefully turns his head. he doesn’t want to dislodge keith in any way, so he doesn’t crane as much as he can. just enough to manage a slight peek from the corner of his eyes.
he has a good idea of what keith is trying to say. sex. are they done with sex? but he can’t be entirely sure. maybe keith means a more specified abundance of kink. shiro also can’t be sure this doesn’t have to do with their conversation before the sentries showed up. so – ask, he tells himself. ]
That as in… sex?
shiro is thinking!!!
taking a steadying breath, keith allows himself to be soothed by the warmth of shiro's body before responding with: ]
... yeah.
[ pathetic, huh? trying to be a little less useless in conversation, keith lets out a second breath and continues. ]
Or anything else? Prison started a lot of things between us, and now that none of it needs to happen anymore, I guess I just wanna know what you're choosing to do with that. [ a beat. ] ... With us.
and now keith is thinking, but thinking stupidly
Keith…
[ he gives up on trying to look at the boy huddled behind him, so clearly determined to conduct this conversation not face to face. so shiro’s option is to look forward and take a breath. moment spent, he then huffs, dropping his head back to knock it against keith, who is still very much hiding in his nape. ]
You bonehead.
[ it’s a different tactic. a different approach. keith barely listened to him when he was sweet voiced and gentle; that isn’t to say he’s harsher here. just… flippant with a tease, the trace of a smile apparent in his voice as he fondly chastises. ]
Breaking outta prison doesn’t mean we’re breaking up, too. [ the caressing comes to a pause, his hand stilling to blanket keith’s instead. he squeezes there and then reaches high and back with his right, metal finding keith to cup the side of his head. ]
I told you I love you. [ and that he wanted keith to figure out a way for them to be together; to stay together, remember? ] I’d like to keep dating you… but only if that’s what you want as well.
..... listen.
perhaps after everything that's been said, it's arguably overkill in keit's part to stop, check, and re-check, but it's only because shiro matters. is that so wrong? he huffs his indignation loudly, pouting intensely at shiro's nape, but keeps a more snappy retort to himself when shiro pretzels and gets a hand in his hair. ]
Of course, I want to date you.
[ grumbled and somewhat indignant, keith fails to keep the pout out of his voice. ]
It's just -- listen. I've never had a boyfriend before you. I've never wanted one before you. And I don't know what normal dating is like either, but I assume sentence sheets and porn prison drugs forcing unwanted sex don't usually factor into the typical boyfriend deal.So just -- stop laughing at me and help me work this out.
stop questioning, daddy, keef
no daddy while the woof is eating :/
kosmo better eat faster then
kosmo will lol wolf down his snack ....
... THAT WAS SUCH A SHIRO JOKE
I KNOW YOU LAUGHED.
YOU CANNOT PROVE!!!!!!!!!!