[ heh, looks like keith’s learned something else from him: diversion tactics. shiro loses that hard pinch to his brow and smiles in kind, the look of it honest, yet brittle. shiro can’t fault keith for avoiding the subject and going for the joke instead. it’s what i would’ve done, he thinks with some vague sense of levity. he can let keith have this though, at least for the moment. so he allows himself to be swept up in the tease by forcing a stronger smile. ]
Oh. In that case…
[ his mouth is on a slant, one side pulling harder. he trails off and lets it hang but ultimately taps out quickly with a playful roll of his eyes. once his gaze resettles on keith, everything softens all over again: the smile, the look, the voice. he pulls the tablet closer, almost hugging it to himself, not because he wants it, but to coax keith closer. ]
You can, you know.
[ cry. if that’s what keith needs to do to process what he’s feeling. shiro won’t tell. he won’t judge him for it either, because shiro wants to stay out of that group of people who mistreat keith. ]
It’s part of the best friend privilege. [ see, not two seconds and he’s going for the joke too, just to lighten the mood. ] Free access to a sturdy shoulder to cry on when needed.
[ keith's own smile is fragile, but it never falters. even when shiro takes the joke a bit more seriously than keith would have preferred, it ultimately makes him laugh just a little. there's more humor to it this time, but not by much. there's nothing wrong with crying, of course. but all things considered, having spoken to some of the other inmates here who enjoy porn prison, it feels.... stupid to be riled up over what most intimacy.
and besides -- his anonymous partner touches him just the right amount and leaves an overabudndance of privacy for keith to weather his own vulnerability. it works. prison can be worked around, at least when there aren't an army of sex robots that flood him with bad memories wandering around. ]
That the only privilege I get as your best friend?
[ so maybe he's not quite ready to have a serious conversation, but he steps in closer as shiro pulls the tablet to his chest and looks up with a half smile. he raises one arm to wind around shiro's shoulders, but pauses when he's reminded that he still has his paladin armor on. ]
Oh. Guess I should take this off.
[ since you know... he's capitulated on the idea of going alone. as much as staying put still gives him pins and needles, shiro's plan is a better one. pride doesn't have a place when it comes to serious discussions about infiltration and escape. keith steps back and begins pulling apart the pieces of armor, loosening up the chest plate and the arm guards. he heaves a sigh as he works, voice a little quiet and uncertain when he speaks up. ]
Hey, Shiro? What was your first time having sex like? Was it with someone you liked?
ok im assuming w the armor helpfulness, tell me if this isn't what you had in mind
[ no, of course not. keith’s got a whole list of privileges he can take full advantage of at any given moment, but before shiro can do more than shake his head, keith’s stopping short of pulling himself in. ah, yes, the armor. shiro doesn’t mind, truth be told. he’ll deal with bulky armor hard pressed against him, that’s not an issue when it comes to snagging a hug or a lean from keith. though, keith stripping it off does confirm that the abandonment of that little rendezvous plan. so, on second thought? ]
Yeah, maybe. You’ll be more comfortable.
[ shiro will be too. he’s relaxing already, now that keith’s fiddling with the guards and loosening the chest plate. every one of them has done this routine so many times now; keith more so, considering he’s a good leap further in the timeline than shiro is. even so, it’s cumbersome to get all the pieces off. he wants to help but doesn’t take the initiative to simple add his hands to the mix. he’s mulling over asking but then the focus is turning to him instead and any thought of aiding keith in his strip down is derailed.
again, he’s reminded of how little they’ve spoken of the more intimate details of their lives. not that shiro was ever going to discuss his sex and romantic life with an underage cadet, who also happened to be his mentee, but it’s surprising, he thinks, that he hasn’t divulged much information now that they’re in a sex prison. he could’ve said something to keith. given him tips? encouragement? some camaraderie of assurance that shiro didn’t have it all together the first time or the first few times, really, either?
he wets his lips in thought, part of him as agitated as he always is any time he’s put on the spot to open up about something he didn’t choose to bring up. but keith’s fragile right now. recognizing that makes shiro’s resistance weak. ]
I liked him, but not like that. I mean, we didn’t date. [ in other words? a friend of some varying degree of importance. low, to be honest; he’d been a flight mate, but one he ultimately drifted away from after they graduated to junior officers and shiro’s career picked up.
he’s barely started and – well, forget about him asking, shiro moves without thinking. doing something with his hands makes talking easier, perhaps more so because his gaze is away from keith’s face. ]
It was during one of the Garrison’s hell weeks. You remember those? [ lots of exams, both written and practical. forget the exams themselves; just the stress of preparing for everything was sometimes enough to weed out the cadets. he helps loosen the upper portion of the arm guards and helps when needed when keith starts pulling his arms out of each. ]
Well, we decided to blow off some steam and…
[ he leaves the obvious unsaid and steps more centered in front of keith. the chest plate is loose and split down the line that starts underneath the armpit. it separates the plate not into two pieces but into a different form. collar wide, it just takes a lift over the head to get the armor piece off. it’s heavy and bulky, especially with the jetpack housing, so shiro helps him through the lift and ultimately keeps hold of the armor once keith is free.
turning away, he places the whole thing down at the foot of the bed. a huffed laugh later and shiro turns back around, only to seat himself down on the bed as well. keith can handle the belt and leg guards. ]
I remember being nervous. [ a smile. ] You may be shocked to hear this but I was, by no means, a natural. Neither was Craig for that matter. [ he looks down to his feet, tapping one out, voice gentling. ] But even with all the fumbling, it was – nice.
[ keith isn't sure at what point taking off the armor became a group activity, but he doesn't put up any kind of struggle when shiro starts helping to lift the chest piece up and over his head. if anything, it briefly reminds him of that first day they were shown their paladin armor and had to work out how to put the alien battle armor on. in retrospect, that room had been an utter mess, huh? with hunk wondering how the hell the armor would even fit his body, pidge skirting around hoping not to draw any attention to missing boy bits, lance throwing him random stink eyes.... it really did seem like shiro was the only one who really belonged there in the first place. keith smiles, again a little wan. three years ago now. time flies whnen you spend two of those years stuck traversing a nightmarish zone of space-tine fuckery.
in a weird way, it's kinda nice to talk about life before voltron and the war with the galra swallowed their lives whole. what even was having other priorities like? it's a little alarming that it takes keith a moment to even remember the grind of the garrison. he watches shiro drop the armor down and take a seat, expression distant as he thinks. ]
I don't remember an Officer Craig.
[ maybe that's not surprising. keith hadn't exactly remembered the name of the loudest, brattiest cadet of their class either. frown deepening fractionally, keith presses the belt release and walks to the foot of the cot to set it down next to the chest piece. ]
What about it was nice?
Edited 2022-06-10 00:20 (UTC)
i'm sorry i didn't assume shiro helping keith strip completely
[ no surprise there. craig hadn’t run any classes or had much of any hands on with the cadets. actually, by the time keith showed up on the garrison grounds – ]
He transferred divisions. He wasn’t stationed at Galaxy Garrison.
[ unimportant detail in the grand scheme of things. truthfully, shiro hasn’t thought much at all of craig in the past seven, eight years now? nine? god, has it really been that long? dismissing the question without a solid answer, shiro watches keith place down the belt and then lifts one shoulder, his smile just as lopsided as that shrug. ]
Finding out that I could make someone feel really good? [ a beat, one that’s spent turning his face forward. ] Finding out that I could feel really good too.
[ despite not having it all together. despite being impatient and hasty. despite having a certain wristband monitor on his right. it was nice because it had been impulsive and freeing, like he’d been defying all the built up expectations he, as well as others, had placed on him. the perfect cadet. the sick patient. no, no titles. he’d only been shiro when he’d stripped down with craig. ]
[ keith's expression turns pensive as he takes a seat at the end of the cot and starts to loosen up his leg guards. on some level, it's a slight relief to hear that shiro hadn't exactly been in a relationship or even in love with the person he experienced his firsts with and can speak of it fondly. but even in knowing sex doesn't really hold any special meaning beyond what's socially ascribed to it, keith still has to wonder if being able to talk about it fondly is something he'll ever be able to with regards to his own firsts. even a two second exploration of the question leaves him metaphorically backing away, grimacing. ]
Guessing Craig didn't just avoid you for a week afterwards, huh?
[ the question slips out of him. keith blinks, then tries to walk it back with an unconving laugh. ]
Kidding. [ keith chews nervously at his lower lip as he pulls off the armor on his left leg off, followed by the right. ]
But I guess it's ... something. I don't know. I guess... I'm just not that interested if it's just about feeling good with someone? Which should make sex more appealing here because it's about going home, but ...I just feel dirty.
i just now realized shiro was last holding the tablet and i forgot about it
[ is he talking about him? maybe, maybe not? probably not. conversation had been mildly strained between them since keith’s punishment and sure, they hadn’t done the obvious thing of meeting up prior to the job fair and going together, but the entire unit of voltron hasn’t been operating like a team anyway. everyone seems to be doing their own things, which, honestly, is what shiro initially set them up to do: handle your own sentence sheets and check in periodically, while simultaneously gathering information about this place that can potentially be used for an early send home. lance has been delivering, keith too, at least in effort. shiro…? he may have spent too much time focused on the inmate population than finding actual cracks in the prison’s security.
or maybe that hadn’t been a poorly delivered slight against him. he just learned from lance that these two, in lance’s words, don’t really talk to each other anymore. more breaking news at 11, right. it does make him think of the network and lance’s punishment and keith’s guilt of not more than five minutes ago. did those two actually do something salacious, as keith had said, in what shiro initially took to be a joke.
… he really doesn’t want to get involved. he has his own mess to figure out with keith. namely, less about the actual tussle they had in shiro’s bed and more about shiro’s lingering thoughts on it. he thinks about it a tad more than he should, especially when he’s lying in his cot, reminding himself that keith came in that exact spot.
he glances to the tablet he totally placed on the cot because no, it didn’t mysteriously disappear from one tag to the next, though there’s nothing to see with the screen gone to sleep. how many people has keith been with now, he wonders. how many did he actually want to be with? ]
It would feel like that, huh? Especially when aphro is involved and it makes the decision for you.
[ like with him? shiro can’t be sure how much had actually been keith and how much had been the aphro talking. they only did the bare minimum clean up on the issue once keith’s system had cleared through and they’ve been playing this game of pretend it didn’t happen since, so… did shiro make keith feel dirty? ]
I’m sorry, Keith. [ he sighs, frowning to his lap. ] There isn’t much remedy for that when it isn’t about choice. [ a pause of hesitation. he shouldn’t bring it up if he made keith feel dirty… but what if it’s everyone else who is making him feel that way? maybe, maybe he can…? ] But I – … I can help. If you still wanted what you asked me to do before.
[ sorry isn't what keith was expecting to hear. if anyone owes the apology, surely it's keith for having violated the boundaries shiro had set. true, he may not have been in his right mind at the time, but that doesn't make it right that shiro had to put up with any of what he did or said that day. unconsciously, keith looks in shiro's direction, eyes wide but guarded with uncertainty ... only to flinch away from what follows. ]
Oh.....
[ Oh. like that's an adequate way to address the way his insides have suddenly gone hollow. as much as keith could have played up ambiguity, and acted like all of what happened that day in shiro's cube is lost to aphrodisiac haze, the one syllable instantly betrays that keith knowsexactly what shiro is referencing.
his turn to look down at his lap. hands gripping his knees tight, keith tries not to feel any particular thing. it's fucking impossible from the outset. so much of what had prompted him to bend over and press his ass to the door for anon had to do with no longer wanting to hold onto past desires, moving on from unreasonable expectations and of course, finally ending that selfish streak that was likely needling at shiro's guilty conscience. shiro doesn't have to take care of him in any capacity and that's something keith means sincerely.
his expression fractures, forwning as he chews his lower lip. all of that put into perspective, he doesn't regret what he did with anonymous that day. but it's in knowing that shiro did mull that over in the days afterwards that keith can't shake the surge of guilt bubbling in his stomach. ]
.... Shiro, I should have never said that. You weren't comfortable with me and I didn't mean to make you feel obligated to ... do something like that for me. I was wrong and selfish.
[ this isn’t the way he wanted it to go. not that he had much of a plan beyond this; this being a half-formed, somewhat ambiguous offer. what is he offering? to take keith through his first time that way so he feels more comfortable being vulnerable with someone? or is he implying he can take care of some of those sentence requirements? shiro isn’t entirely sure what position he’s placed himself in. the only thing he knows is that keith feels dirty and is struggling and, well, shiro wants to help. needs to, even. there’s little chance of shiro being able to focus on much else if he’s too busy worrying over keith’s state of mind.
seems like he’s only succeeded in making keith more uneasy though. nice one, shirogane.
shiro frowns unhappily, still staring at his lap as keith finishes up. wrong and selfish rubs him uncomfortably, and immediately, he shakes his head, lifting his gaze to look to keith at the end of the cot. ]
You were hopped up on aphro. [ he’s adamant about that. whatever that machine used on keith, it was far stronger than what shiro got hit with in the library. and shiro, with his baby two sprays ended up doing a lot worse than the erotic displays keith put on in the privacy of shiro’s cube. ]
Like I said before, I don’t hold anything you said or did against you. I only wanted to take care of you, not take advantage of you.
[ which he still thinks he did. at the very least, he’d been too weak to prevent keith from taking what he needed. the more egregious sin here, however, is that shiro keeps thinking back to keith’s presented ass and the feel of him squirming and mewling underneath him. he tells himself the offer is made purely with keith’s benefit in mind, but maybe it’s not. maybe it’s for shiro too. ]
[ keith swallows, wrinkling and then smoothing out his yoga pants with the clench and release of his fingers. is it cowardice that his eyes are still focused on his lap? probably. but he doesn't find it in him to adjust his gaze and smile over towards his best friend. ]
I know you don't hold it against me. I guess ... I just feel like I wronged you anyway. Not just because of what I did, but ... in saying things that'd trip you up on guilt? I mean, I meant what I said, but I shouldn't have said it. I know you had your preferred way of handling all this and... [ he winces, thinking briefly of the network post that shiro had responded to. ] ... wel, it clearly didn't involve me. You just want to do the sentences with strangers, right?
[ not waiting for an answer, keith lifts his head and partly looks over his shoulder towards shiro. ]
So... you should keep doing that if that's what makes you most comfortable. [ a beat, followed by a deeper sigh. ] I can take care of myself. I thought about it and just.. went for it, you know? Found a guy who agreed to my terms for it and everything.
[ he nods silently, not even registering that keith isn’t looking at him until a beat or two afterwards. right, his initial plan had been picking strangers and vetting them for basic human decency, before going through with the community service. the plan is straightforward and, for the most part, easy. once the act is done, he can walk away from the interaction without ever having to revisit it outside of a few unpleasant memories. the paladins are a different story. while the more obvious choice due to established trust and familiarity, they actually matter to shiro, which is precisely why he wants them to keep them at arm’s length. he doesn’t want anything muddling up the relationship he has with each of them, not when the ability to form voltron hinges on the connection they have.
so much for that, huh? he shouldn’t be surprised that his plan has fallen apart a few, short weeks into his sentence. this was never going to be easy. not for him and especially not for the team; not everyone operates under the idea that the ends justify the means. kill anyone and anything put opposite him in the arena in order to survive? done. whore himself out in order to gain his freedom? sure. his stomach roils sickly, his expression darkening. he never stopped to think of it in those terms and now that he has, he thinks this must be how keith feels: dirty.
he’ll deal though. he’ll power through as he always does with a combination of disregard for himself and an intense fixation on the goal. so it’s fine. it’s okay. he’s not the one he’s worried about here. it’s keith and the team’s ability to come out of this as close to unscathed as they are realistically able to. so –
found a guy.
he’s already looking in keith’s direction but he seems to come to, the slight distance in his gaze clearing. it takes another moment for the facts to slot into place. ]
Wait, I thought…
[ he’d been so assured that the biggest obstacle to overcome here, would be making the offer itself. he didn’t think the problem would be that keith no longer needed him. that he’d found someone else. he pauses on the thought, repeating it back to himself and inwardly cringing. is that a problem? why does he consider that a problem? isn’t this a good thing? should be. it aligns with his original plan. then why does he sound so disappointed? ]
[ shiro's disappointment can be a subtle thing when he wants it to be. this isn't one of those instances. subconsciously keith stops breathing as shiro's tone and demeanor shifts with comprehension from surprise to downcast.
an extended beat and keith finally breathes again, but finds the burn in his chest doesn't ebb with the flow of air. why would shiro be disappionted if he no longer has to go through with something he obviously found objectionable? or if not objectionable, at least not his preference? and if shiro is disappointed, then why does that echo and hurt?
trust. you said you only trusted me. ]
Oh....
[ the word's quiet, his expression coloring over with guilt he can't explain because -- ]
You are...? [ heat blooms across keith's cheeks, knowing that it has to sound like the worst lie he's ever told and yet, he only repeats it even more fervently as he turns to face shiro. [ You are., okay? Look. I realize that sounds fake, but I mean it. I ... [ the flush deepens , spreading to the tips of his ears as keith glances down at the cot. ] .. I needed a lot of stipulations in place in order to be okay with it.
[ a beat, then he steals the tiniest glance up at shiro. ]
[ keith’s right. that does sound fake, like a pity consolation pat on the back of, no really, you’re great. there’s a very loud but not being said here. shiro hears it anyway. but shiro took too long. who knew a handful of days would be taking too long when keith’s been here for almost two months, navigating aphrodisiacs and wacky obstacles. and who knew, finding someone equally trustworthy to shiro, who’s spent years fostering a relationship with keith, would come so easily. he’s being unfair, he knows in his gut he’s making a mountain out of a molehill, but he’s a little sore, okay? he’s supposed to mean something to keith, just like shiro holds keith in a completely different regard than anyone else. he’s supposed to be special. but he’s just as replaceable, huh? all it takes are a few stipulations and anyone can stand in for shiro, huh?
what does that even mean? he twists his lips on an unhappy grimace and stares down at his lap, feeling keith’s eyes on him but refusing to look up. he didn’t want to do anything with his friends, remember? he tries to console himself with the reminder. it works and it doesn’t; it eases the frown off his face but it doesn’t soften that uneasiness in his chest or the tightness that has his sternum feeling weighted, everything seemingly collapsing in on each breath.
his response is a few seconds late; he spends that time being sure his voice is mild-tempered and smooth. still, he doesn’t look up. ]
Whatever you needed to do, I’m glad it worked out for you.
[ it is true, to an extent. he only wants the best for keith. if this is how he wanted to go about sharing his body, then so be it. keith doesn’t owe shiro a damn thing. emotions are, unfortunately, complicated, hypocritical things though. weirdly enough, it makes him think of black and how blindsided he’d been when after having settled into the belief that black chose him to lead voltron, he’d been spit out like trash once zarkon showed up. god, is he seriously comparing the struggle over black to keith not truly trusting him with his virginity? pathetic.
well, if he’s certain of anything, it’s that he’s more invested in this than he was ever meant to be. so perhaps it’s best if he sticks with the original plan, especially since it doesn’t seem to matter much to keith anymore. ]
Maybe he can help you with the rest of your community service.
[ keith falters, already uncertain expression fracturing further with the burgeoning sense of rejection. ... why? he couldn't fucking say. it's not like shiro had ever put helping with his sentences on the table of options before, so having it confirmed that it continues to not be an option isn't a rejection, merely a repetition of known facts. still, that doesn't stop keith from thinking any better when he opens his mouth to speak. ]
What? No.
[ the refusal comes out more empathic that keith meant, but save for a slight dial down in volume keith doesn't take back the sentiment as a whole. he won't lie -- anon had put him at ease for a lot of things, but that was because making it stop was always as simple as a step away. no grabbing hands, no holding him in place to take it, no judging eyes to drink in keith's vulnerability. he shudders visibly. ]
I don't want that, Shiro.
[ but does that mean he wants that with shiro? wasn't he just chastising himself for being selfish and unfairly enrcoraching on shiro's boundaries by wrongfully appealing to his best friend's guilty conscience? keith shuts his mouth, then looks away. ]
[ the up tick in volume does the trick: it has shiro snapping his head up and finally looking away from his lap. no? that’s… surprising. with the way keith has been cagey about forced intimacy and how he’d carried on about trust while sky high on aphro, shiro automatically assumed that if he’d found someone capable of keeping him at ease, then he’d simply remain paired off with this person. it makes sense that he would… so why wouldn’t he?
brows knotted and eyes slightly narrowed with perplexion, shiro watches keith carefully. one, two, three, four, he keeps his gaze right where it is, even as keith looks away. the brush off is expected, though he can’t decide if it’s meant as a shifting of blame or as a method of consoling himself through a missed opportunity. heh, not that being with shiro would have been any sort of prize. it would have, at the very least, been easier. no stipulations, right?
the thing is, it’s entirely false. he can’t blame keith too harshly; shiro of a month ago had been keen on believing that as well. wait, no, that’s not quite right. shiro of a month ago had been keen on not helping keith with his sentence, true, but specifics like that don’t stand up against the more generalized i will never give up on you. if keith’s struggling… if keith doesn’t feel right with himself… if he needs something from shiro, even shiro himself, then…
shiro exhales a heh, cracking a slanted grin. it’s funny and it’s not funny at all. ]
Keith. [ he shakes his head slow and brief, gaze shifting to the opposite wall. ] There isn’t a whole lot I wouldn’t do, if you truly needed me.
[ a moment to let that hang weighty and meaningful between them, and then he stomps right over it. ]
[ keith stares a moment too long in stunned silence after shiro finishes speaking. the tight feeling in his chest is entirely irrational and yet it spreads and spreads, keeping keith locked in its vice grip as he wades through what the fuck that he's even feeling right now.
everything is overblown. they're talking about sexual intimacy between them which, up until a month ago, was never an issue that was on or off the table. fuck, there was no goddamn table at all. they'd simply been two friends who looked out for each other, cared for each other, become each other's family. not even a war or death had changed that. so what exactly is it that's needling him?
honestly, keith doesn't have it sorted by the time he blurts the words out. ]
I don't have it figured out. [ he furrows his brow, leaning across the bed to grab shiro's shoulder. ] But you're right. I didn't need you for that.
[ he swallows, but holds eye contact steady. so that's it, huh? need. keith takes a deep breath, finding greater resolve with his next breath. need. no. if the last couple of years has taught keith anything at all, from shiro's "pilot error" death, to his actual death, it's that keith doesn't technically need shiro at all. life goes on, he's found. miserably, and with guilt and grief and mourning, but it marches on and keith can lead a team of four other paladins in battle and win despite feeling gutted and lonely.
the fight at the abandoned facility when he could have let the clone fall to save himself... that hadn't been about need either. bringing shiro back from the infinite void of the black lion, pleading with his unconscious body as his quintessence risked rejection.... fuck. a thousand different feelings cut raw at at once, knowing this shiro may never know the depth and intensity of feeling keith has reserved only for him, but it has to be better this way, right?
keith grips shiro's shoulder tight, violet eyes imploring for even a shred of understanding and connection. ]
I'm not some kid with scuffed knuckles who needs to be guided under your wing, Shiro.
[ a beat. ]
But I wanted you. [ still want you? his grip loosens fractionally as he swallows.] It's okay that you don't want me back like that, but I mean every word I'm saying.
[ that sure stings. shiro’s been thinking, even saying the words himself: keith doesn’t need him. yet, hearing the same repeated back cuts deeper than anything shiro could’ve done to himself. shiro’s the one to break eye contact first and that’s fitting, he supposes. at least he isn’t so cowardly to fold into himself and stare down at the bed; he simply looks away. even a tighter grip doesn’t draw him back in. he’s shuffling expectations and assumptions, aligning himself to a new plan forming in his head, one that comes together quicker with each thing keith says.
not a kid? shiro knows that. he’s sorry if he’s made it sound like that. this keith is different. older. more mature and more confident. that’s plain to see even with all the prison curveballs continually off-setting his footing. hell, even before all this, shiro entrusted the future of voltron to keith. so no, definitely not a child and any guiding shiro’s provided has been offered on account of genuine care and concern, not because he believes keith a temperamental loose cannon, in constant need of surveillance and direction. he must’ve fudged it up, though. maybe he’s kept too close to the idea of team voltron and him being its leader, when he should have been more focused on simply being a friend.
doesn’t matter either way, keith didn’t need him. still doesn’t need him.
honestly, he’s still hazy on the source of his disappointment here, but he’s stubbornly stuck in the feeling, hearing wanted and immediately thinking past tense. right, he wanted him then because of the aphrodisiac. the grip loosens and shiro still doesn’t look at him, instead finding the opposite wall again and thinking, this is it. this is the moment. keith’s been honest and now it’s shiro’s turn to be honest too.
would it also be okay if i did?
it’s there in his mind and on his tongue, ready to be said and change everything between them. except, he overthinks it. he’s not as brave as keith is, not in prodding at the carefully constructed parameters of invaluable relationships. all of this sounds like a gentle letdown; like keith has moved on from whatever ignited between them in shiro’s cube. shiro’s tried to move on too but he’s lagging. he just needs more time. he just – ]
I don’t want to jeopardize anything between us. [ it already feels a little ruined, doesn’t it? he doesn’t want more of this feeling. ] So I think it’s best if we don’t.
[ shiro looks away, but keith turns away. it couldn't' be less subtle if keith were trying as he withdraws back to his section of the cot, hands pressed firmly over his knees. once again, a basic repetition of established fact shouldn't mean anything new, but he feels ill in the knowledge that everything he feels is entirely one-sided.
shiro is happier messing around with anyone who puts out the network that isn't being punished in some way and well -- that's a facet of his best friend that keith clearly never knew a damn thing about. or who even knows. what's there to say that this shiro isn't from a different reality entirely and this roiling disappointment keith feels is nothing more than the by product of being held emotionally captive by a familiar looking face?
wouldn't be the first time it's fucking happened after all. ]
Yeah. I guess sex does have a way of messing everything up.
[ whether you have it or not. fucking hilarious. agitation ramps up and keith kicks out his legs and gets to his feet. the agreement comes entirely flat toned and deliberately uninterested.]
[ well shit. this went south fairly quickly. actually, not just south. it’s crashing and burning into the side of a fucking mountain right now. coward that he is, shiro only looks up with the shift of the cot and stares after keith’s back. a little ruined, he’d thought not more than ten seconds ago. that’s generous. now there’s a distinct fracture in place, one that shiro has a sudden overwhelming feeling of dread for. this is repairable, isn’t it? this isn’t done, right? they’ll be fine.
surely.
funnily enough, shiro’d been thinking this is how keith should have gone out from the get-go. all black. it hits differently here, because it punctuates the fact that keith wants so badly to get away from this conversation, even shiro himself, that he’s not even thinking of his state of dress anymore. skin tight and barely anything at all, it’s a ridiculous way to take a walk.
so maybe they won’t be fine.
the confession he swallowed back returns to him and he thinks, should’ve been honest, right before his mouth parts, his lungs fill, and he blurts out: ]
I can’t stop thinking about you, okay?
[ how he’d looked. how he’d felt underneath him. shiro can still hear him too. he’d hoped admitting as much would feel liberating, like a catharsis. but it isn’t. it only adds fuel to that agitated, jittery unease, of feeling out of depth and out of control. but see? see? keith isn’t alone in this, so don’t leave shiro here to deal with the damage alone either. ]
Just… [ he can never quite escape the urge to hesitate. he always tries to think things through first and measure out his words, but here, he’s breaking overriding the habit, leaving everything to come out rushed and slightly fumbled. ] I wanted you too. I still do. And I don’t know what to do with that.
[ keith was never getting out of his own cube without shiro getting in another jab. he's known his best friend long enough to know the guy isn't intimidated into resigned silence when keith abruptly slams on the brakes and signals to be left alone. it's a double edged sword. keith knows himself enough to realize he's doing a bad job of keeping his temper in check, but doubtless shiro's going to find fault in his need to take a step back.
doubtless. or so he thought.
shiro instead has his own outburst and for once, it's not measured disappointment, a veiled lecture or some prescriptive commentary about his trashfire of a sex life with a partner he doesn't know anything about. instead, it may well be the only fucking real thing shiro's said to him since that day in his cube.
keith stops. the abruptness of it is about as smooth as his forcequit of an exit. i can't stop thinking about you. the air feels physically squeezed out of his lungs as keith tries to keep himself stitched together. i wanted you. i still do. it should all come as a relief, but there's a band of pressure wrapped tight around his head that keeps keith facing away from shiro, expression vacant in its despair. ]
Why couldn't you just say that?
[ the words come out hissed, frustration with shiro bleeding into his frustration with lance and the prison at large. fuck. ]
Why did you have to make this about a breach of confidence? How can you possibly think any of these nobody's stuck here could ever be as important to me as you are? WHy do you have to make it my fault? Why do you have to make me beg for you to understand?
[ it would probably be a bad move to shrug his shoulders right about now. no sense in looking more like a fool, yeah? because that’s how shiro feels: foolish. he’s twenty-five years old and feels like he’s forty with how much growing up he’s had to do in the past couple of years. one would think, for how mature and put together he presents himself as, he’d realize that open communication is a necessity to any relationship. it’s what he’s always encouraging his team of having, isn’t it? be honest, be open, be willing to support one another. unresolved disagreements and faulty assumptions lead to chaos, and voltron can’t operate if any one of them is feeling misaligned from the group.
amazing. shiro’s been trying to preserve the team by not getting involved and yet, he’s made a mess of his strongest bond. quite a feat to pull off; congratulations, shirogane.
still, even with all this self-chastising, keith’s frustration gives rise to shiro’s own and while he doesn’t hit the same level as keith, he does wrinkle his nose, slam down his brow and huff back: ]
I didn’t make you do anything.
[ hurled one after the other, the amount of questions are seemingly endless. the last one rubs wrong the most, but one, two beats and the frustrated spike lulls into a feeling more manageable. he sighs heavily. ]
I wasn’t trying to hurt you or whatever you think it is I was doing. [ he still hasn’t moved from the cot, still sitting there, still hoping keith will come back on his own accord. ] I thought staying away would be better for us in the long run.
[ unfortunately for shiro, keith neither turns to look in his direction or comes a single step closer towards the cot. to his credit, keith listens to everything shiro has to say, but the defensiveness is suffocating to endure. is shiro even listening or is he more interested in didactics? teeth grit, keith clenches then unclenches his fists, exhaling long and slow. ]
What I think you're doing is finding reasons not to be honest with me and I'm tired of it. First Lance, now you. I trust you more than anyone, you know? It feels really fuckign bad that I have more of a clue what random strangers want out of me and why than people who call themselves my friends. [ a beat. ] In your case, my best friend.
So no, I don't think you're trying to hurt me. You're just impossible to read. That's all.
[ that’s unfair. shiro is opening up. he admitted to the one thing he’s been trying to deny himself: wanting keith. does that count for anything? apparently not. shiro bites his tongue to keep the frustration at bay and then draws in a deep breath through his nose, holding the air in his lungs for a few extra ticks before exhaling slow.
patience yields focus, heh. keep it together. think it through. don’t snap back.
shiro repeats his favorite mantra once, twice more and just like that, something gives inside him. his shoulders slump and exhaustion takes; he doesn’t want to fight. he’s never wanted to fight with keith. so have a quiet, miserable sounding: ]
[ keith goes quiet, still not budging from the spot he's rooted himself to. ask me anything opens up an entire floodgate worth of potential that keith no longer even knows what he wants to do with. it would help if he were allowed to put himself back together and be alone for a while to evaluate his own wants and desires, but given the uphill battle just to get to this point of transparency, keith doesn't trust it to stay open for long. ]
What am I to you?
[ a loaded question perhaps, but it's the easiest place to start. ]
[ my best friend. is the obvious answer. my family. is the less expected but just as true response. shiro’s grown to value each member of team voltron, but those newly forged friendships are nowhere near as invaluable to him as his connection with keith. keith’s the one who’s been there before and after. before kerberos, before voltron, before shiro became some changed thing that even he doesn't recognize some days. and even then, he’s stuck around after it all…
or did, up until a few minutes ago. now shiro isn’t so sure if that’ll remain true. and that’s a gut-churning thought because: ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Oh. In that case…
[ his mouth is on a slant, one side pulling harder. he trails off and lets it hang but ultimately taps out quickly with a playful roll of his eyes. once his gaze resettles on keith, everything softens all over again: the smile, the look, the voice. he pulls the tablet closer, almost hugging it to himself, not because he wants it, but to coax keith closer. ]
You can, you know.
[ cry. if that’s what keith needs to do to process what he’s feeling. shiro won’t tell. he won’t judge him for it either, because shiro wants to stay out of that group of people who mistreat keith. ]
It’s part of the best friend privilege. [ see, not two seconds and he’s going for the joke too, just to lighten the mood. ] Free access to a sturdy shoulder to cry on when needed.
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and besides -- his anonymous partner touches him just the right amount and leaves an overabudndance of privacy for keith to weather his own vulnerability. it works. prison can be worked around, at least when there aren't an army of sex robots that flood him with bad memories wandering around. ]
That the only privilege I get as your best friend?
[ so maybe he's not quite ready to have a serious conversation, but he steps in closer as shiro pulls the tablet to his chest and looks up with a half smile. he raises one arm to wind around shiro's shoulders, but pauses when he's reminded that he still has his paladin armor on. ]
Oh. Guess I should take this off.
[ since you know... he's capitulated on the idea of going alone. as much as staying put still gives him pins and needles, shiro's plan is a better one. pride doesn't have a place when it comes to serious discussions about infiltration and escape. keith steps back and begins pulling apart the pieces of armor, loosening up the chest plate and the arm guards. he heaves a sigh as he works, voice a little quiet and uncertain when he speaks up. ]
Hey, Shiro? What was your first time having sex like? Was it with someone you liked?
ok im assuming w the armor helpfulness, tell me if this isn't what you had in mind
Yeah, maybe. You’ll be more comfortable.
[ shiro will be too. he’s relaxing already, now that keith’s fiddling with the guards and loosening the chest plate. every one of them has done this routine so many times now; keith more so, considering he’s a good leap further in the timeline than shiro is. even so, it’s cumbersome to get all the pieces off. he wants to help but doesn’t take the initiative to simple add his hands to the mix. he’s mulling over asking but then the focus is turning to him instead and any thought of aiding keith in his strip down is derailed.
again, he’s reminded of how little they’ve spoken of the more intimate details of their lives. not that shiro was ever going to discuss his sex and romantic life with an underage cadet, who also happened to be his mentee, but it’s surprising, he thinks, that he hasn’t divulged much information now that they’re in a sex prison. he could’ve said something to keith. given him tips? encouragement? some camaraderie of assurance that shiro didn’t have it all together the first time or the first few times, really, either?
he wets his lips in thought, part of him as agitated as he always is any time he’s put on the spot to open up about something he didn’t choose to bring up. but keith’s fragile right now. recognizing that makes shiro’s resistance weak. ]
I liked him, but not like that. I mean, we didn’t date. [ in other words? a friend of some varying degree of importance. low, to be honest; he’d been a flight mate, but one he ultimately drifted away from after they graduated to junior officers and shiro’s career picked up.
he’s barely started and – well, forget about him asking, shiro moves without thinking. doing something with his hands makes talking easier, perhaps more so because his gaze is away from keith’s face. ]
It was during one of the Garrison’s hell weeks. You remember those? [ lots of exams, both written and practical. forget the exams themselves; just the stress of preparing for everything was sometimes enough to weed out the cadets. he helps loosen the upper portion of the arm guards and helps when needed when keith starts pulling his arms out of each. ]
Well, we decided to blow off some steam and…
[ he leaves the obvious unsaid and steps more centered in front of keith. the chest plate is loose and split down the line that starts underneath the armpit. it separates the plate not into two pieces but into a different form. collar wide, it just takes a lift over the head to get the armor piece off. it’s heavy and bulky, especially with the jetpack housing, so shiro helps him through the lift and ultimately keeps hold of the armor once keith is free.
turning away, he places the whole thing down at the foot of the bed. a huffed laugh later and shiro turns back around, only to seat himself down on the bed as well. keith can handle the belt and leg guards. ]
I remember being nervous. [ a smile. ] You may be shocked to hear this but I was, by no means, a natural. Neither was Craig for that matter. [ he looks down to his feet, tapping one out, voice gentling. ] But even with all the fumbling, it was – nice.
how dare you assume
in a weird way, it's kinda nice to talk about life before voltron and the war with the galra swallowed their lives whole. what even was having other priorities like? it's a little alarming that it takes keith a moment to even remember the grind of the garrison. he watches shiro drop the armor down and take a seat, expression distant as he thinks. ]
I don't remember an Officer Craig.
[ maybe that's not surprising. keith hadn't exactly remembered the name of the loudest, brattiest cadet of their class either. frown deepening fractionally, keith presses the belt release and walks to the foot of the cot to set it down next to the chest piece. ]
What about it was nice?
i'm sorry i didn't assume shiro helping keith strip completely
He transferred divisions. He wasn’t stationed at Galaxy Garrison.
[ unimportant detail in the grand scheme of things. truthfully, shiro hasn’t thought much at all of craig in the past seven, eight years now? nine? god, has it really been that long? dismissing the question without a solid answer, shiro watches keith place down the belt and then lifts one shoulder, his smile just as lopsided as that shrug. ]
Finding out that I could make someone feel really good? [ a beat, one that’s spent turning his face forward. ] Finding out that I could feel really good too.
[ despite not having it all together. despite being impatient and hasty. despite having a certain wristband monitor on his right. it was nice because it had been impulsive and freeing, like he’d been defying all the built up expectations he, as well as others, had placed on him. the perfect cadet. the sick patient. no, no titles. he’d only been shiro when he’d stripped down with craig. ]
o-oh. suddenly so bold....!
Guessing Craig didn't just avoid you for a week afterwards, huh?
[ the question slips out of him. keith blinks, then tries to walk it back with an unconving laugh. ]
Kidding. [ keith chews nervously at his lower lip as he pulls off the armor on his left leg off, followed by the right. ]
But I guess it's ... something. I don't know. I guess... I'm just not that interested if it's just about feeling good with someone? Which should make sex more appealing here because it's about going home, but ...I just feel dirty.
i just now realized shiro was last holding the tablet and i forgot about it
or maybe that hadn’t been a poorly delivered slight against him. he just learned from lance that these two, in lance’s words, don’t really talk to each other anymore. more breaking news at 11, right. it does make him think of the network and lance’s punishment and keith’s guilt of not more than five minutes ago. did those two actually do something salacious, as keith had said, in what shiro initially took to be a joke.
… he really doesn’t want to get involved. he has his own mess to figure out with keith. namely, less about the actual tussle they had in shiro’s bed and more about shiro’s lingering thoughts on it. he thinks about it a tad more than he should, especially when he’s lying in his cot, reminding himself that keith came in that exact spot.
he glances to the tablet
he totally placed on the cot because no, it didn’t mysteriously disappear from one tag to the next, though there’s nothing to see with the screen gone to sleep. how many people has keith been with now, he wonders. how many did he actually want to be with? ]It would feel like that, huh? Especially when aphro is involved and it makes the decision for you.
[ like with him? shiro can’t be sure how much had actually been keith and how much had been the aphro talking. they only did the bare minimum clean up on the issue once keith’s system had cleared through and they’ve been playing this game of pretend it didn’t happen since, so… did shiro make keith feel dirty? ]
I’m sorry, Keith. [ he sighs, frowning to his lap. ] There isn’t much remedy for that when it isn’t about choice. [ a pause of hesitation. he shouldn’t bring it up if he made keith feel dirty… but what if it’s everyone else who is making him feel that way? maybe, maybe he can…? ] But I – … I can help. If you still wanted what you asked me to do before.
haha i assumed he put the tablet down
Oh.....
[ Oh. like that's an adequate way to address the way his insides have suddenly gone hollow. as much as keith could have played up ambiguity, and acted like all of what happened that day in shiro's cube is lost to aphrodisiac haze, the one syllable instantly betrays that keith knowsexactly what shiro is referencing.
his turn to look down at his lap. hands gripping his knees tight, keith tries not to feel any particular thing. it's fucking impossible from the outset. so much of what had prompted him to bend over and press his ass to the door for anon had to do with no longer wanting to hold onto past desires, moving on from unreasonable expectations and of course, finally ending that selfish streak that was likely needling at shiro's guilty conscience. shiro doesn't have to take care of him in any capacity and that's something keith means sincerely.
his expression fractures, forwning as he chews his lower lip. all of that put into perspective, he doesn't regret what he did with anonymous that day. but it's in knowing that shiro did mull that over in the days afterwards that keith can't shake the surge of guilt bubbling in his stomach. ]
.... Shiro, I should have never said that. You weren't comfortable with me and I didn't mean to make you feel obligated to ... do something like that for me. I was wrong and selfish.
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seems like he’s only succeeded in making keith more uneasy though. nice one, shirogane.
shiro frowns unhappily, still staring at his lap as keith finishes up. wrong and selfish rubs him uncomfortably, and immediately, he shakes his head, lifting his gaze to look to keith at the end of the cot. ]
You were hopped up on aphro. [ he’s adamant about that. whatever that machine used on keith, it was far stronger than what shiro got hit with in the library. and shiro, with his baby two sprays ended up doing a lot worse than the erotic displays keith put on in the privacy of shiro’s cube. ]
Like I said before, I don’t hold anything you said or did against you. I only wanted to take care of you, not take advantage of you.
[ which he still thinks he did. at the very least, he’d been too weak to prevent keith from taking what he needed. the more egregious sin here, however, is that shiro keeps thinking back to keith’s presented ass and the feel of him squirming and mewling underneath him. he tells himself the offer is made purely with keith’s benefit in mind, but maybe it’s not. maybe it’s for shiro too. ]
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I know you don't hold it against me. I guess ... I just feel like I wronged you anyway. Not just because of what I did, but ... in saying things that'd trip you up on guilt? I mean, I meant what I said, but I shouldn't have said it. I know you had your preferred way of handling all this and... [ he winces, thinking briefly of the network post that shiro had responded to. ] ... wel, it clearly didn't involve me. You just want to do the sentences with strangers, right?
[ not waiting for an answer, keith lifts his head and partly looks over his shoulder towards shiro. ]
So... you should keep doing that if that's what makes you most comfortable. [ a beat, followed by a deeper sigh. ] I can take care of myself. I thought about it and just.. went for it, you know? Found a guy who agreed to my terms for it and everything.
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so much for that, huh? he shouldn’t be surprised that his plan has fallen apart a few, short weeks into his sentence. this was never going to be easy. not for him and especially not for the team; not everyone operates under the idea that the ends justify the means. kill anyone and anything put opposite him in the arena in order to survive? done. whore himself out in order to gain his freedom? sure. his stomach roils sickly, his expression darkening. he never stopped to think of it in those terms and now that he has, he thinks this must be how keith feels: dirty.
he’ll deal though. he’ll power through as he always does with a combination of disregard for himself and an intense fixation on the goal. so it’s fine. it’s okay. he’s not the one he’s worried about here. it’s keith and the team’s ability to come out of this as close to unscathed as they are realistically able to. so –
found a guy.
he’s already looking in keith’s direction but he seems to come to, the slight distance in his gaze clearing. it takes another moment for the facts to slot into place. ]
Wait, I thought…
[ he’d been so assured that the biggest obstacle to overcome here, would be making the offer itself. he didn’t think the problem would be that keith no longer needed him. that he’d found someone else. he pauses on the thought, repeating it back to himself and inwardly cringing. is that a problem? why does he consider that a problem? isn’t this a good thing? should be. it aligns with his original plan. then why does he sound so disappointed? ]
You said you only trusted me.
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an extended beat and keith finally breathes again, but finds the burn in his chest doesn't ebb with the flow of air. why would shiro be disappionted if he no longer has to go through with something he obviously found objectionable? or if not objectionable, at least not his preference? and if shiro is disappointed, then why does that echo and hurt?
trust. you said you only trusted me. ]
Oh....
[ the word's quiet, his expression coloring over with guilt he can't explain because -- ]
You are...? [ heat blooms across keith's cheeks, knowing that it has to sound like the worst lie he's ever told and yet, he only repeats it even more fervently as he turns to face shiro. [ You are., okay? Look. I realize that sounds fake, but I mean it. I ... [ the flush deepens , spreading to the tips of his ears as keith glances down at the cot. ] .. I needed a lot of stipulations in place in order to be okay with it.
[ a beat, then he steals the tiniest glance up at shiro. ]
... it wouldn't have been like that with you.
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what does that even mean? he twists his lips on an unhappy grimace and stares down at his lap, feeling keith’s eyes on him but refusing to look up. he didn’t want to do anything with his friends, remember? he tries to console himself with the reminder. it works and it doesn’t; it eases the frown off his face but it doesn’t soften that uneasiness in his chest or the tightness that has his sternum feeling weighted, everything seemingly collapsing in on each breath.
his response is a few seconds late; he spends that time being sure his voice is mild-tempered and smooth. still, he doesn’t look up. ]
Whatever you needed to do, I’m glad it worked out for you.
[ it is true, to an extent. he only wants the best for keith. if this is how he wanted to go about sharing his body, then so be it. keith doesn’t owe shiro a damn thing. emotions are, unfortunately, complicated, hypocritical things though. weirdly enough, it makes him think of black and how blindsided he’d been when after having settled into the belief that black chose him to lead voltron, he’d been spit out like trash once zarkon showed up. god, is he seriously comparing the struggle over black to keith not truly trusting him with his virginity? pathetic.
well, if he’s certain of anything, it’s that he’s more invested in this than he was ever meant to be. so perhaps it’s best if he sticks with the original plan, especially since it doesn’t seem to matter much to keith anymore. ]
Maybe he can help you with the rest of your community service.
no subject
What? No.
[ the refusal comes out more empathic that keith meant, but save for a slight dial down in volume keith doesn't take back the sentiment as a whole. he won't lie -- anon had put him at ease for a lot of things, but that was because making it stop was always as simple as a step away. no grabbing hands, no holding him in place to take it, no judging eyes to drink in keith's vulnerability. he shudders visibly. ]
I don't want that, Shiro.
[ but does that mean he wants that with shiro? wasn't he just chastising himself for being selfish and unfairly enrcoraching on shiro's boundaries by wrongfully appealing to his best friend's guilty conscience? keith shuts his mouth, then looks away. ]
I just... you weren't going to help me anyway.
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brows knotted and eyes slightly narrowed with perplexion, shiro watches keith carefully. one, two, three, four, he keeps his gaze right where it is, even as keith looks away. the brush off is expected, though he can’t decide if it’s meant as a shifting of blame or as a method of consoling himself through a missed opportunity. heh, not that being with shiro would have been any sort of prize. it would have, at the very least, been easier. no stipulations, right?
the thing is, it’s entirely false. he can’t blame keith too harshly; shiro of a month ago had been keen on believing that as well. wait, no, that’s not quite right. shiro of a month ago had been keen on not helping keith with his sentence, true, but specifics like that don’t stand up against the more generalized i will never give up on you. if keith’s struggling… if keith doesn’t feel right with himself… if he needs something from shiro, even shiro himself, then…
shiro exhales a heh, cracking a slanted grin. it’s funny and it’s not funny at all. ]
Keith. [ he shakes his head slow and brief, gaze shifting to the opposite wall. ] There isn’t a whole lot I wouldn’t do, if you truly needed me.
[ a moment to let that hang weighty and meaningful between them, and then he stomps right over it. ]
But you didn’t. You figured it out.
no subject
everything is overblown. they're talking about sexual intimacy between them which, up until a month ago, was never an issue that was on or off the table. fuck, there was no goddamn table at all. they'd simply been two friends who looked out for each other, cared for each other, become each other's family. not even a war or death had changed that. so what exactly is it that's needling him?
honestly, keith doesn't have it sorted by the time he blurts the words out. ]
I don't have it figured out. [ he furrows his brow, leaning across the bed to grab shiro's shoulder. ] But you're right. I didn't need you for that.
[ he swallows, but holds eye contact steady. so that's it, huh? need. keith takes a deep breath, finding greater resolve with his next breath. need. no. if the last couple of years has taught keith anything at all, from shiro's "pilot error" death, to his actual death, it's that keith doesn't technically need shiro at all. life goes on, he's found. miserably, and with guilt and grief and mourning, but it marches on and keith can lead a team of four other paladins in battle and win despite feeling gutted and lonely.
the fight at the abandoned facility when he could have let the clone fall to save himself... that hadn't been about need either. bringing shiro back from the infinite void of the black lion, pleading with his unconscious body as his quintessence risked rejection.... fuck. a thousand different feelings cut raw at at once, knowing this shiro may never know the depth and intensity of feeling keith has reserved only for him, but it has to be better this way, right?
keith grips shiro's shoulder tight, violet eyes imploring for even a shred of understanding and connection. ]
I'm not some kid with scuffed knuckles who needs to be guided under your wing, Shiro.
[ a beat. ]
But I wanted you. [ still want you? his grip loosens fractionally as he swallows.] It's okay that you don't want me back like that, but I mean every word I'm saying.
i'm tagging this just so you stop editing.
not a kid? shiro knows that. he’s sorry if he’s made it sound like that. this keith is different. older. more mature and more confident. that’s plain to see even with all the prison curveballs continually off-setting his footing. hell, even before all this, shiro entrusted the future of voltron to keith. so no, definitely not a child and any guiding shiro’s provided has been offered on account of genuine care and concern, not because he believes keith a temperamental loose cannon, in constant need of surveillance and direction. he must’ve fudged it up, though. maybe he’s kept too close to the idea of team voltron and him being its leader, when he should have been more focused on simply being a friend.
doesn’t matter either way, keith didn’t need him. still doesn’t need him.
honestly, he’s still hazy on the source of his disappointment here, but he’s stubbornly stuck in the feeling, hearing wanted and immediately thinking past tense. right, he wanted him then because of the aphrodisiac. the grip loosens and shiro still doesn’t look at him, instead finding the opposite wall again and thinking, this is it. this is the moment. keith’s been honest and now it’s shiro’s turn to be honest too.
would it also be okay if i did?
it’s there in his mind and on his tongue, ready to be said and change everything between them. except, he overthinks it. he’s not as brave as keith is, not in prodding at the carefully constructed parameters of invaluable relationships. all of this sounds like a gentle letdown; like keith has moved on from whatever ignited between them in shiro’s cube. shiro’s tried to move on too but he’s lagging. he just needs more time. he just – ]
I don’t want to jeopardize anything between us. [ it already feels a little ruined, doesn’t it? he doesn’t want more of this feeling. ] So I think it’s best if we don’t.
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shiro is happier messing around with anyone who puts out the network that isn't being punished in some way and well -- that's a facet of his best friend that keith clearly never knew a damn thing about. or who even knows. what's there to say that this shiro isn't from a different reality entirely and this roiling disappointment keith feels is nothing more than the by product of being held emotionally captive by a familiar looking face?
wouldn't be the first time it's fucking happened after all. ]
Yeah. I guess sex does have a way of messing everything up.
[ whether you have it or not. fucking hilarious. agitation ramps up and keith kicks out his legs and gets to his feet. the agreement comes entirely flat toned and deliberately uninterested.]
I'm going for a walk. See you tomorrow.
no subject
surely.
funnily enough, shiro’d been thinking this is how keith should have gone out from the get-go. all black. it hits differently here, because it punctuates the fact that keith wants so badly to get away from this conversation, even shiro himself, that he’s not even thinking of his state of dress anymore. skin tight and barely anything at all, it’s a ridiculous way to take a walk.
so maybe they won’t be fine.
the confession he swallowed back returns to him and he thinks, should’ve been honest, right before his mouth parts, his lungs fill, and he blurts out: ]
I can’t stop thinking about you, okay?
[ how he’d looked. how he’d felt underneath him. shiro can still hear him too. he’d hoped admitting as much would feel liberating, like a catharsis. but it isn’t. it only adds fuel to that agitated, jittery unease, of feeling out of depth and out of control. but see? see? keith isn’t alone in this, so don’t leave shiro here to deal with the damage alone either. ]
Just… [ he can never quite escape the urge to hesitate. he always tries to think things through first and measure out his words, but here, he’s
breakingoverriding the habit, leaving everything to come out rushed and slightly fumbled. ] I wanted you too. I still do. And I don’t know what to do with that.no subject
doubtless. or so he thought.
shiro instead has his own outburst and for once, it's not measured disappointment, a veiled lecture or some prescriptive commentary about his trashfire of a sex life with a partner he doesn't know anything about. instead, it may well be the only fucking real thing shiro's said to him since that day in his cube.
keith stops. the abruptness of it is about as smooth as his forcequit of an exit. i can't stop thinking about you. the air feels physically squeezed out of his lungs as keith tries to keep himself stitched together. i wanted you. i still do. it should all come as a relief, but there's a band of pressure wrapped tight around his head that keeps keith facing away from shiro, expression vacant in its despair. ]
Why couldn't you just say that?
[ the words come out hissed, frustration with shiro bleeding into his frustration with lance and the prison at large. fuck. ]
Why did you have to make this about a breach of confidence? How can you possibly think any of these nobody's stuck here could ever be as important to me as you are? WHy do you have to make it my fault? Why do you have to make me beg for you to understand?
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amazing. shiro’s been trying to preserve the team by not getting involved and yet, he’s made a mess of his strongest bond. quite a feat to pull off; congratulations, shirogane.
still, even with all this self-chastising, keith’s frustration gives rise to shiro’s own and while he doesn’t hit the same level as keith, he does wrinkle his nose, slam down his brow and huff back: ]
I didn’t make you do anything.
[ hurled one after the other, the amount of questions are seemingly endless. the last one rubs wrong the most, but one, two beats and the frustrated spike lulls into a feeling more manageable. he sighs heavily. ]
I wasn’t trying to hurt you or whatever you think it is I was doing. [ he still hasn’t moved from the cot, still sitting there, still hoping keith will come back on his own accord. ] I thought staying away would be better for us in the long run.
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What I think you're doing is finding reasons not to be honest with me and I'm tired of it. First Lance, now you. I trust you more than anyone, you know? It feels really fuckign bad that I have more of a clue what random strangers want out of me and why than people who call themselves my friends. [ a beat. ] In your case, my best friend.
So no, I don't think you're trying to hurt me. You're just impossible to read. That's all.
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patience yields focus, heh. keep it together. think it through. don’t snap back.
shiro repeats his favorite mantra once, twice more and just like that, something gives inside him. his shoulders slump and exhaustion takes; he doesn’t want to fight. he’s never wanted to fight with keith. so have a quiet, miserable sounding: ]
I’m being honest with you now. Ask me anything.
[ too little, too late? ]
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What am I to you?
[ a loaded question perhaps, but it's the easiest place to start. ]
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or did, up until a few minutes ago. now shiro isn’t so sure if that’ll remain true. and that’s a gut-churning thought because: ]
You’re the one person I can’t stand to lose.
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1/3
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3;3
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the thread of the disappearing tablet and the changing outfits.
shiro's magic powers: disapparing tablets, quic changing and blue balling
if that pet sign event happens, shiro's title should be the blueballer
nah he's the holepuncher
imagine him having that sign and keith being like, holepuncher...? shiro: /sweats
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the icon is a lie
omg you lied to me