[ right about now is where keith ought to be refuting his apparent unhappiness. if keith were a better liar, maybe he could even spin it convincingly, but they've just come off the heels of an argument and keith is instead lulled into an uneasy silence.. the fact that keith has lost all grounding for what they're even talking about helps nothing at all.
what timeframe is shiro even talking about? in general? while they're here? back home? the future? wish i could has such a defeatist undertone to it that carries finalith that keith doesn't like the second he's processed it. shiro hasn't come out and said it, but could implies an unspken but can't that keith tries not to hear. regardless, shiro isn't responsible for his happiness, much less does he need to be the sole reason for it. keith pauses, looking at the way shiro's dropped eye contact and feels a pit forming in his stomach. ]
Why can't we?
[ the question slips out of him before judgment catches up to him. why they can't be happy is largely self evident, isn't it? they're stuck in a fucking human trafficking sex hole masquerading as an intergalactic prison with seemingly no means of escape and beyond this they have an uncertain future with a long war ahead. kicking himself mentallyy, keith too looks away embarrassed and inches back, downcast. ]
[ annnnd he’s squashed the momentum. it wrangles a wince out of him, just in knowing that he’s stepped too far into this honesty business and lost himself in the process to ramble off… what? what was that anyway? now that he’s in the aftermath of it, replaying the words in his head, he’s flabbergasted by his own ramblings. from arguing to flirting to a poorly veiled, wannabe apology for not making keith as happy as shiro deems appropriate? is that what that was…? keith isn’t the only one inwardly scratching his head; shiro’s lost the plot too.
he feels keith shift, nose grazing as he slips away. don’t do it whispers into his thoughts but he can’t say who it’s directed toward: keith for moving away or shiro, with the reflex of fluttering his eyes open. doesn’t matter in the end, both of them follow through in each. he’d been shying away from keith’s gaze moments ago and now that he opens his eyes to find keith’s downcast, he feels – sad? desperate. unbalanced on the rush, he formulates words without thought. ]
I’m sorry.
[ their faces are still so close, far closer than they’ve ever dared outside of this evening, but it doesn’t feel right, not like before. shiro did that. he didn’t follow through and give keith the one thing he asked for. he let the smile slip. ]
I think I’ve said too much. [ or too little. he muscles down another grimace and then forces a huff of a laugh that doesn’t hit its mark. ] Ignore me. It’s the exhaustion speaking.
[ keith hesitates. social situations have the unfortunate tendency of occasionally requiring a delicate touch that keith has never properly mastered. all it takes is a single beat for keith to hate every time he's deflected or refused to participate in a difficult conversation because even though that'd made things easy for him in the moment, he sees now that the experiences have collectively robbed him of grace. his heart skips -- one trip short of outright panic as he reaches out with his other hand to grab shiro by the shoulder. ]
Wait.
[ wait. like shiro was actually going somewhere when they're still locked in close. the embarrassment prickles at the edges of his awareness before keith muscles through the unpleasantness with a more restrained: ]
Not literally, obviously. I mean... [ fuck. he closes his eyes and heaves a deep breath. ] Okay, I don't know what I mean. But you don't have to be sorry. I was thinking in my head that I just want you to be happy too.
[ he opens his eyes, looking both sheepish and a little crestfallen. ]
I should have just said that. [ he swallows, then abandons eye contact once again. ] ... I guess I wish I was better at that too.
[ for all the lessons shiro’s mentored keith through, he’s glad there’s one thing keith hasn’t picked up from him. keith isn’t a bullshitter. shiro isn’t exactly one either, but he does rely heavily on white lies and diversion tactics to skirt the truth when a conversation leans heavily into personal matters. his justification is that it makes things easier, not just for himself, but for everyone unfortunate enough to be caught up in it. keith is too sincere for that. more than that, he’s too brave to cower behind carefully crafted words.
he’s rambling now. he’s working through what he means as he’s saying it and even if keith hadn’t told him to wait, shiro would have been helpless to do anything other than that, because the earnestness to set things right is a little awe-inspiring. by the end of it, shiro feels the loss of that gaze again and he feels humbled. look at the two of them; both so tangled up in their own heads about wanting to make the other one happy. it’d be funny if it weren’t equally distressing. something this simple shouldn't be so complicated, so why is it?
the question needs answering but shiro’s already falling to old habits. shiro does what he always does: shies away from picking too deeply at the real issue and sugarcoats it with a flippant voice. ]
I’m a difficult case. [ so not keith’s fault. it’s said like a joke, his smile wry. it’s only afterwards that he thinks, stupid, that isn’t the way to answer that. grimacing, he tilts his foot against keith’s, ignoring the knock of those ankle monitors. ] But there’s no one better at it than you.
[ a little reluctantly, he tugs his hand out of keith’s grip and lets go, only so he slip his arm around him, hand pressed to his back. ]
For the record? [ and he holds him in. they were already close, so there isn’t much space to gain, but the anchoring of his arm has him feeling warmer and feeling nervous, like this might be too bold. nonetheless: ] I’m happy right now and it’s all your doing.
[ a difficult case, huh? keith hears the joke for what it is, but it doesn’t succeed in making him laugh. instead, it makes him wonder when exactly the last time shiro had been unreservedly happy even was. was it launch day of the kerberos mission? or was it earlier than that with adam? keith considers, sinking a little with contemplation only to be distracted by shiro prising his fingers free. keith looks at shiro, question unasked but plain to see on his face, only to settle with yet another unspoken oh as shiro holds him even closer.
where the joke hadn’t landed before, the added commentary does settle some of the uncertainty roaming around in his head. he smiles then, entirely reflexive in his quiet relief and slowly releases his hold on shiro’s shoulder. with even less space between them now than ever however, keith isn’t entirely sure of where he ought to be putting his hand. any lower would mean touching shiro’s chest, but higher would mean touhing his face and neither of thoe options souns as neutral as keepign his fingers perched lightly on that tank topped shoulder. ]
Heh.
[ slowly, carefully keith puts his newly freed hand on the hollow of his throat, nervously tapping his collarbones. ]
… well I guess we should go to sleep before that changes again. Wouldn’t wanna ruin a hard won victory.
[ they’ve reached closure of some sort. the matter seems settled, yet at the same time, not settled at all. it nags at shiro: the knowledge that the happiness found through their friendship is elusive enough that once they manage to capture it, they have to tap out before ruining it. he studies keith’s smile while he drums at his collarbone, wanting to argue that no, it isn’t like that. that his happiness with keith isn’t some fleeting, fragile thing. but –
i’m a difficult case.
right. that’s what shiro said. and it’s true. he is difficult. even now, he’s fighting against the peace offering, wanting to make things better while running the risk of making them worse. it’s fuck-knows o’clock and shiro’s dragged an exhausted keith through enough verbal spars tonight. maybe it’s time he stop agonizing over the details and yield. ]
Yeah. Okay.
[ he smiles in answer, hoping it makes up for the less than stellar response. he doesn’t remove his arm and he doesn’t scoot back. the line of keith’s spine is easy to find when he’s wrapped up in a skintight bodysuit; shiro’s fingers flutter against it, tracing up and down in a few inch span. he draws in a deep breath and closes his eyes on the exhale. ]
Are you comfortable like this? [ after it’s asked, he mentally rolls his eyes at himself. it’s another set-up for a back and forth. they already discussed this. except, that ended with shiro facing away, not chest to chest, faces close and shiro’s arm laying heavy over keith to anchor him in. to get ahead of the question he knows will be coming, he abruptly tacks on: ] I’m comfortable like this.
[ beaten to the punch on his follow up question, keith blinks in surprise then manages a quiet huff of laughter. intimacy is always a little dicey. keith's never been the sort to go out looking for hugs or physical affection, nor does he think he'll honestly like it coming from a stranger. he's talked to other inmates here about intimacy, of course. some of whom think he takes it far too seriously for his own good, and maybe that's true? but keith doesn't know how exactly you're meant to feel comfortable being vulnerable in someone else's arms when you don't know a damn thing about them.
because even now, he's mot entirely sure he could ever really feel as relaxed with anonymous if the guy ever indicated an interest in lying together like this after the fact. ... then again, maybe it's just that shiro is different. a class all on his own. tentatively and with a look fo shyness, keith relaxes his hand and loosely drapes an arm around shiro's shoulder to entwine just that much closer. ]
Yeah, I'm comfy.
[ he moves his face a quarter inch closer again, the tip of his nose just brushing shiro's. ]
It's the first time I've ever slept with someone like this. It's kinda nice.. even if a little cramped.
[ so – he’s nabbing one of keith’s firsts afterall. shiro doesn’t know how he ought to feel about that. bothered, maybe, similarly to how he’s been fixated on certain unchecked sentences since he got here. this being a first time means everything keith’s done hasn’t ended with the cliche tangled up in an affectionate embrace, falling asleep together. it’s not necessarily a bad thing. sex doesn’t have to follow certain rules. it’s just – it has shiro picturing a disheveled keith, pulling himself together and getting out, before the sweat has even dried.
bad move. he shouldn’t be picturing keith disheveled or sex flushed or anything when their bodies are pressed in close. certainly not when keith’s nose is brushing his again, his small puffs of breath fanning the minimal space between them. shiro’s lips part on the next breath and pull in air, thinking of how it’s shared and if he really focuses, maybe there’s a hint of taste –
he squeezes his eyes a little more forcibly closed, huffing to expel that shared breath. this isn’t shiro’s first time by any means, but it’s been a long time since he last did this. here, he’s upsetting himself over the thought of keith stumbling away after relations and yet, that’s all shiro’s done too since arriving here. god, he’s clearly more starved for soft, sleepy affections than he would have ever dared to think. ]
A little. [ but yes, nice. he laughs to cover up the direction of his thoughts, eyes still closed and fingers ending their caress. ] Go to sleep, Keith. Dream of a bigger bed. You’ll forget all about me being here… hogging all the space.
[ marginally emboldened, keith drapes his arm around shiro a little more definitively and likewise closes his eyes. it doesn't make the flutter in his chest any less potent to do so when all closing his eyes does is accentuate his awareness of all the places they're touching and each breath that fans across his face, but seeing nothing at least dampens some of the jitters from their faces being so close. he doesn't know what to call or how to label what it is that they're doing together like this, but try as keith did to ignore all media based social conditioning back home, he's not oblivious to the trope of goodnight kisses. or kissing in general really.
he couldn't say for sure whether or not shiro is thinking along similar lines. maybe he is, considering they were talking about anal together earlier, but the thought only makes the squirmy feeling in keith's stomach bloom and curl his toes. a little guiltily, keith hastily clears his throat and half mumbles into the pillow. ]
The point is that I'm sharing the cot with you. [ implied: so why would i want to forget? face warming for the umpteenth time, keith holds his breath for two beats, then releases it slowly. ] ... I like it.
[ and just like that, it dawns on shiro that he’s been approaching this wrong. over and over, he’s been circling around keith’s sentence sheet. no aftercare, no kissing, no meeting of the lowest threshold when it comes to sharing one’s body with someone else. and throughout, what has shiro been doing? waiting for keith to indicate that he wants that. it’s all so backwards. the one time keith outright said what he wanted from shiro, shiro turned him down and came back too late for a reoffer. now, shiro’s motivated to right this slight against keith, but he’s stalling because keith hasn’t verbalized kiss me…?
shiro cracks his eyes open on the thought, staring through half-lidded eyes at keith’s too close face. silently, he lists off the wordless hints that he’s been too ridiculous to notice for what they are. bodies close, arms draped, feet tangled, noses brushing, space gone – there’s also a quiet i like it that taps awake his resolve. keith’s been indicating this whole time that he’s open to it, hasn't he?
yeah, he’s been looking at this all wrong. maybe keith hasn’t been properly kissed because others are as stupid and blind as shiro is. maybe they’re all hesitating too, even though keith’s done everything right by meeting them – him – halfway. more than halfway. all shiro has to do is tilt his face a few slivers closer and there, done, someone will have finally given keith the small token of affection that he deserves.
thinking it is one thing, doing it is another. he’s motivated though. even a little chastised. if no one else is going to take care of keith, then shiro will. it’s easier when it’s framed like that and so, the honesty keeps, a few seconds delayed – ]
I like it too.
[ – being breathed between them. confidence builds and he follows through by arcing across the pillow to press his lips to keith’s. one – he holds his breath. two – he forgets to close his eyes. three – his arm tightens around keith, even while his mouth remains butterfly light. onto the fourth beat and he eases off the gentle pressure, only then closing his eyes as he settles back on the pillow. if there’s a cue here to talk about what he just did, shiro misses it and instead only murmurs a soft: ]
[ the barely there pressure against his lips lasts for four beats, and keith wastes about half of them being confused about what exactly is happening. at first, he's convinced the added bit of contact is nothing more than the unfortunate consequence of trying to shuffle around in close proximity, but by the time he has his eyes open agai and ready to hear an apology, the feather pressure is gone and his lips tingle in the aftermath. keith stares, expectation shifting from apology to explanation, but when that doesn't come either, he's left with a ridiculous flutter in his chest that spreads to his stomach and further down to the tips of his toes.
goodnight? sweet dreams?
keith laughs without completely meaning to. part incredulous, part helpless outlet for the amplified jittery, tingling feeling, keith starts talking before he has any idea of what he actually wants to say. ]
Did you just...
[ kiss me? he trails off after hearing his own hopefulness unfiltered in voice. there aren't many ways to misinterpret four whole beats of gentle lip to lip contact, but surely if that's how shiro meant it, there would be some acknowledgement afterwards? maybe? yes? no? second guessing wildly, keith flushes and clears his throat. he isn't able to stamp out his jubilance, but his tone is a little more subdued all the same as he gently curls his fingers along the small of shiro's back. ]
I mean... sweet dreams? [ shit, why is that a question again? keith clears his throat a second time, then hastily closes his eyes before this turns into a conversation he's not entirely sure he's capable of handling right this moment. what does it even mean if friends kiss to say good night just because they can? and putting that aside, does this mean shiro thinks kissing feels right? warmth buzzing pleasantly under shiro's hands, keith tucks himself in just a little closer, ducking his head to rest under his best firend's chin. ]
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no subject
what timeframe is shiro even talking about? in general? while they're here? back home? the future? wish i could has such a defeatist undertone to it that carries finalith that keith doesn't like the second he's processed it. shiro hasn't come out and said it, but could implies an unspken but can't that keith tries not to hear. regardless, shiro isn't responsible for his happiness, much less does he need to be the sole reason for it. keith pauses, looking at the way shiro's dropped eye contact and feels a pit forming in his stomach. ]
Why can't we?
[ the question slips out of him before judgment catches up to him. why they can't be happy is largely self evident, isn't it? they're stuck in a fucking human trafficking sex hole masquerading as an intergalactic prison with seemingly no means of escape and beyond this they have an uncertain future with a long war ahead. kicking himself mentallyy, keith too looks away embarrassed and inches back, downcast. ]
...stupid question. Never mind.
no subject
he feels keith shift, nose grazing as he slips away. don’t do it whispers into his thoughts but he can’t say who it’s directed toward: keith for moving away or shiro, with the reflex of fluttering his eyes open. doesn’t matter in the end, both of them follow through in each. he’d been shying away from keith’s gaze moments ago and now that he opens his eyes to find keith’s downcast, he feels – sad? desperate. unbalanced on the rush, he formulates words without thought. ]
I’m sorry.
[ their faces are still so close, far closer than they’ve ever dared outside of this evening, but it doesn’t feel right, not like before. shiro did that. he didn’t follow through and give keith the one thing he asked for. he let the smile slip. ]
I think I’ve said too much. [ or too little. he muscles down another grimace and then forces a huff of a laugh that doesn’t hit its mark. ] Ignore me. It’s the exhaustion speaking.
no subject
Wait.
[ wait. like shiro was actually going somewhere when they're still locked in close. the embarrassment prickles at the edges of his awareness before keith muscles through the unpleasantness with a more restrained: ]
Not literally, obviously. I mean... [ fuck. he closes his eyes and heaves a deep breath. ] Okay, I don't know what I mean. But you don't have to be sorry. I was thinking in my head that I just want you to be happy too.
[ he opens his eyes, looking both sheepish and a little crestfallen. ]
I should have just said that. [ he swallows, then abandons eye contact once again. ] ... I guess I wish I was better at that too.
no subject
he’s rambling now. he’s working through what he means as he’s saying it and even if keith hadn’t told him to wait, shiro would have been helpless to do anything other than that, because the earnestness to set things right is a little awe-inspiring. by the end of it, shiro feels the loss of that gaze again and he feels humbled. look at the two of them; both so tangled up in their own heads about wanting to make the other one happy. it’d be funny if it weren’t equally distressing. something this simple shouldn't be so complicated, so why is it?
the question needs answering but shiro’s already falling to old habits. shiro does what he always does: shies away from picking too deeply at the real issue and sugarcoats it with a flippant voice. ]
I’m a difficult case. [ so not keith’s fault. it’s said like a joke, his smile wry. it’s only afterwards that he thinks, stupid, that isn’t the way to answer that. grimacing, he tilts his foot against keith’s, ignoring the knock of those ankle monitors. ] But there’s no one better at it than you.
[ a little reluctantly, he tugs his hand out of keith’s grip and lets go, only so he slip his arm around him, hand pressed to his back. ]
For the record? [ and he holds him in. they were already close, so there isn’t much space to gain, but the anchoring of his arm has him feeling warmer and feeling nervous, like this might be too bold. nonetheless: ] I’m happy right now and it’s all your doing.
no subject
where the joke hadn’t landed before, the added commentary does settle some of the uncertainty roaming around in his head. he smiles then, entirely reflexive in his quiet relief and slowly releases his hold on shiro’s shoulder. with even less space between them now than ever however, keith isn’t entirely sure of where he ought to be putting his hand. any lower would mean touching shiro’s chest, but higher would mean touhing his face and neither of thoe options souns as neutral as keepign his fingers perched lightly on that tank topped shoulder. ]
Heh.
[ slowly, carefully keith puts his newly freed hand on the hollow of his throat, nervously tapping his collarbones. ]
… well I guess we should go to sleep before that changes again. Wouldn’t wanna ruin a hard won victory.
no subject
i’m a difficult case.
right. that’s what shiro said. and it’s true. he is difficult. even now, he’s fighting against the peace offering, wanting to make things better while running the risk of making them worse. it’s fuck-knows o’clock and shiro’s dragged an exhausted keith through enough verbal spars tonight. maybe it’s time he stop agonizing over the details and yield. ]
Yeah. Okay.
[ he smiles in answer, hoping it makes up for the less than stellar response. he doesn’t remove his arm and he doesn’t scoot back. the line of keith’s spine is easy to find when he’s wrapped up in a skintight bodysuit; shiro’s fingers flutter against it, tracing up and down in a few inch span. he draws in a deep breath and closes his eyes on the exhale. ]
Are you comfortable like this? [ after it’s asked, he mentally rolls his eyes at himself. it’s another set-up for a back and forth. they already discussed this. except, that ended with shiro facing away, not chest to chest, faces close and shiro’s arm laying heavy over keith to anchor him in. to get ahead of the question he knows will be coming, he abruptly tacks on: ] I’m comfortable like this.
no subject
because even now, he's mot entirely sure he could ever really feel as relaxed with anonymous if the guy ever indicated an interest in lying together like this after the fact. ... then again, maybe it's just that shiro is different. a class all on his own. tentatively and with a look fo shyness, keith relaxes his hand and loosely drapes an arm around shiro's shoulder to entwine just that much closer. ]
Yeah, I'm comfy.
[ he moves his face a quarter inch closer again, the tip of his nose just brushing shiro's. ]
It's the first time I've ever slept with someone like this. It's kinda nice.. even if a little cramped.
no subject
bad move. he shouldn’t be picturing keith disheveled or sex flushed or anything when their bodies are pressed in close. certainly not when keith’s nose is brushing his again, his small puffs of breath fanning the minimal space between them. shiro’s lips part on the next breath and pull in air, thinking of how it’s shared and if he really focuses, maybe there’s a hint of taste –
he squeezes his eyes a little more forcibly closed, huffing to expel that shared breath. this isn’t shiro’s first time by any means, but it’s been a long time since he last did this. here, he’s upsetting himself over the thought of keith stumbling away after relations and yet, that’s all shiro’s done too since arriving here. god, he’s clearly more starved for soft, sleepy affections than he would have ever dared to think. ]
A little. [ but yes, nice. he laughs to cover up the direction of his thoughts, eyes still closed and fingers ending their caress. ] Go to sleep, Keith. Dream of a bigger bed. You’ll forget all about me being here… hogging all the space.
no subject
he couldn't say for sure whether or not shiro is thinking along similar lines. maybe he is, considering they were talking about anal together earlier, but the thought only makes the squirmy feeling in keith's stomach bloom and curl his toes. a little guiltily, keith hastily clears his throat and half mumbles into the pillow. ]
The point is that I'm sharing the cot with you. [ implied: so why would i want to forget? face warming for the umpteenth time, keith holds his breath for two beats, then releases it slowly. ] ... I like it.
the icon is a lie
shiro cracks his eyes open on the thought, staring through half-lidded eyes at keith’s too close face. silently, he lists off the wordless hints that he’s been too ridiculous to notice for what they are. bodies close, arms draped, feet tangled, noses brushing, space gone – there’s also a quiet i like it that taps awake his resolve. keith’s been indicating this whole time that he’s open to it, hasn't he?
yeah, he’s been looking at this all wrong. maybe keith hasn’t been properly kissed because others are as stupid and blind as shiro is. maybe they’re all hesitating too, even though keith’s done everything right by meeting them – him – halfway. more than halfway. all shiro has to do is tilt his face a few slivers closer and there, done, someone will have finally given keith the small token of affection that he deserves.
thinking it is one thing, doing it is another. he’s motivated though. even a little chastised. if no one else is going to take care of keith, then shiro will. it’s easier when it’s framed like that and so, the honesty keeps, a few seconds delayed – ]
I like it too.
[ – being breathed between them. confidence builds and he follows through by arcing across the pillow to press his lips to keith’s. one – he holds his breath. two – he forgets to close his eyes. three – his arm tightens around keith, even while his mouth remains butterfly light. onto the fourth beat and he eases off the gentle pressure, only then closing his eyes as he settles back on the pillow. if there’s a cue here to talk about what he just did, shiro misses it and instead only murmurs a soft: ]
Goodnight, Keith. Sweet dreams.
omg you lied to me
goodnight? sweet dreams?
keith laughs without completely meaning to. part incredulous, part helpless outlet for the amplified jittery, tingling feeling, keith starts talking before he has any idea of what he actually wants to say. ]
Did you just...
[ kiss me? he trails off after hearing his own hopefulness unfiltered in voice. there aren't many ways to misinterpret four whole beats of gentle lip to lip contact, but surely if that's how shiro meant it, there would be some acknowledgement afterwards? maybe? yes? no? second guessing wildly, keith flushes and clears his throat. he isn't able to stamp out his jubilance, but his tone is a little more subdued all the same as he gently curls his fingers along the small of shiro's back. ]
I mean... sweet dreams? [ shit, why is that a question again? keith clears his throat a second time, then hastily closes his eyes before this turns into a conversation he's not entirely sure he's capable of handling right this moment. what does it even mean if friends kiss to say good night just because they can? and putting that aside, does this mean shiro thinks kissing feels right? warmth buzzing pleasantly under shiro's hands, keith tucks himself in just a little closer, ducking his head to rest under his best firend's chin. ]
Night, Shiro.