[ compared to what they were deliberating over minutes earlier, this is nothing. they're being overly polite about this and despite recognizing the foolishness going on here, keith is so genuinely thrown by the question that he automatically answers it. ]
Uh... on my side, facing away from the exit with my knife under my pillow and the wolf at my back? [ speaking of which. ] Oh. I should put that away, huh?
[ looking sheepish yet again, keith sits up to pull the sheathed knife out from under his pillow and tosses it over the foot of the cot where it lands by the rest of his armor. ]
Thanks for reminding me. But uh... you can sleep in whatever way is most comfy for you? I mean... you're bigger so, I can conform to you if you want.
Edited 2022-06-18 19:30 (UTC)
imagine him having that sign and keith being like, holepuncher...? shiro: /sweats
[ there is so much to process here. keith’s detailed the wolf in typical keith fashion, so shiro has a semi clear idea of what he should be picturing. because he’s unoriginal, he mostly ends up with the american grey wolf nestled behind keith, eyeing anyone or anything that dares too close. he finds it… sweet? in a way? cute, maybe, if he ignores the fact that it’s a wild space predator. how domesticated can it actually be?
as domesticated as keith is? he makes a rough, amused sound in his throat as the knife is tossed. right, no wonder keith and the wolf got along so well.
he makes another sound, softer this time, more contemplative. they keep circling the same thing and getting nowhere because of it: i’ll do what you want. the accommodating nature is touching, yet frustrating, only in that they’re manufacturing this feeling of walking on eggshells. so, shiro abruptly gives up on it. ]
This is comfortable.
[ is it precisely what he wants? not exactly. he’s bordering the edge, knees of his bent legs edging off if it. still not the most uncomfortable sleep he’ll have ever had, if he sleeps. he wonders if he should tell keith that he has trouble sleeping and doesn’t often go without waking or having a fit of bad dreams. no. he can see how that conversation would go and he doesn’t want to drag the mood down again, this time with a pity party. so he shoves his hand underneath the pillow and firms it up as he nestles his head fully into it. ]
[ ah, so that's shiro's final decision. keith peels himself a little further off the wall, not quite relaxing as he eyes the inch or so of space between his chest and shiro's back. it crosses his mind for the umpteenth time that maybe asking shiro to sleep with him had been a mistake, if only because this way neither of them are getting their preferred sleeping position or amount of room, but shiro had said he wanted to stay so there's little use to second guessing a closed deal.
keith scoots himself a little lower in the bed, head hovering just above the freshly fluffed pillow. he holds the uncomfortable position for two ticks, contemplating his close up of shiro's undercut like that might give him privileged access to mindreading abilifies. he might as well be trying to reach keysmash for all the good this accomplishes.
he drops his head down and pulls the covers up his chin. again, he wants to ask a redundant question about shiro's comfort, but manages to jeep his mouth zipped. instead, his gaze drops back down to the inch of space left between them, tries to calculate how close to the edge shiro must be and decides -- fuck it.
he throws an arm over shiro's waist, tugging to draw him back further onto the cot and closer to him. ]
Come closer. There's room.
[ a beat. ]
... and tell me how you're doing here. For real, I mean, Not the sugarcoated "I'm fine" stoic leader crap.
[ it’s the second time keith’s done it in the span of minutes; shiro ought to be more prepared in adjusting to it. he’s not, of course. he tenses at the weight thrown over his side and sucks in his belly with the surprised inhale, holding still even as keith tightens his elbow to coax shiro to scoot backwards. it feels nice though, just as it had the first time keith curled up behind him. this’ll be different, he muses. it won’t be a thigh to his back, it’ll be hips, belly and chest. he might even have keith’s breath tickling the flyaway strands at his nape if he’s lucky. if he’s lucky? he bites his lip and contracts, just beginning to push back, only to stop before any actual progress.
ah. taking full advantage of shiro’s lowered defenses, huh? he pauses, frown pinching his brow. a touch grumbly: ]
It’s not stoic leader crap. I mean it. [ a few words in and the frown loses strength, self-awareness pinging as he hears himself. horseshit, right? a little more sheepishly now: ] Mostly.
[ a pause follows, but only in speech. he sighs out afterwards and in lieu of admitting the, frankly, untruthfulness there, he offers an olive branch in the form of him scooting backward. their bodies brush and then press when shiro takes another inch with one last scooch. there, he settles. adjusting his hand under the pillow and resnuggling the side of his face into it, shiro relaxes, marginally and slowly, exhaling a heavy breath before picking up where he should have begun. ]
Just… [ he wavers, hesitating. ] I didn’t think I’d be a prisoner again.
[ it’s an answer, yet not one. how is he doing; he can’t answer it directly. he doesn’t want to. he doesn’t want to openly admit that despite his push to cooperate and make due with the situation they’ve found themselves in, he isn’t actually as put together as he’s trying to present himself as. everyone on the team is having such a hard time, someone has to be the anchor.
but this is keith. and faking it around keith never seems to last. ]
Feels like I just escaped the last time. [ he laughs softly at that, the sound hollow. ] I know things are better here than they were with the Galra but… you know…
[ and he trails off, not knowing how to put it into words. ]
[ keith grimaces through the initial jut of stubbornness, but nothing more. he keeps the tension on his elbow just the same, coaxing shiro to scooch back until gradually their boeis line up back to chest, chest to back. it's at this point keith supposes he ought to be removing his arm, but upon hearing what shiro has to say, that extra bit of touch quickly becomes an anchoring point, tethering the two of them together.
shiro's never said much about his time in captivity with the galra. in some ways, maybe he never had to. if a picture is worth a thousand words, then the many scars on criss crossed on his best friend's body are an entire unspoken odyseey of self-explanatory horror. thinking about it, it's messed up isn't it? keith and shiro haven't had the chance to properly decompress what happened that year, and now somewhere back in his own reality, that may never happen just on account of the trauma of the clone's existence. and maybe even that will just pass on along as yet another unspoken horror simply because the war is unending and who knows what the next bit of psychologixal damage will be?
it's an impotent wish at best, but keith hopes that whatever it is, the universe is done chewing on shiro and will finally cut him a break.
but maybe it never will. from galra prison to porn prison, shiro really does have the most messed up shit happen to him, huh? lost for words, keith unconsciously tightens his grip around his best friend's waist, forehead bumping lightly against the back of his head. ]
I'm sorry. [ the response is just about the lamest thing in the world and keith grimaces yet again for the fucking platitude. ] I wish the universe could have sent you somewhere nice for a change. I can't think of anyone who deserves to be relaxing on a beach more than you.
[ keith laughs, quiet and a little bitter. ]
...I just want you to know that you can talk to me. If there's anything I can do to make this place even a little less terrible for you, you know I'd do it in a heartbeat. Whether that's us talking or me finding you something to punch ...or you know. Helping with sheets.
[ voice going quiet, keith trails off and swallows. ]
[ see? this is what shiro wanted to avoid. pity party. shiro came here to comfort keith and what has he done? upset him first and then after narrowly patching that up, has somehow turned the tables to guilt keith into coddling him instead. some leader, huh? some best friend, huh? miserably, shiro closes his eyes, yet doesn’t interrupt. he listens and he stews, ignoring the heavy beat, beat of his heart resounding in his ears that’s still, mercilessly, not loud enough to drown out the sorrow in keith’s voice.
he hates this. he’s been telling himself from the beginning that this prison is easier. better. freewill is similarly stripped but there’s some leeway in their ability to live. the food is a wildcard and the occasional prison wide hijinx stirs the pot, but aside from that, they get to choose the who, the what, the where and the when in accordance to their community service. a few one night stands isn’t so bad, not when shiro’s lived through a sentence that’s involved murder and experimentation.
but it’s starting to wear on him, especially when he thinks too heavily about the team. he doesn’t want this for them. if he could, he’d take on their sheets and have them sent back to their own realities.
… at least, that’s what he tells himself.
he’s not supposed to be comforted by everything keith is saying. it’s not far off from shiro’s own pep-talks: we’re a team, we stick together, come to me if anyone or anything gives you trouble. he’s supposed to be stronger than needing to hear it directed at him. it touches deep though, every word’s weight is aided by the forehead against him and the arm around him. shiro feels – grounded. secure, almost, like it’d actually be okay to not be okay, because keith has him.
so would he actually take on keith’s sentence and have him sent away if given the chance? the answer isn’t as clear as it had been a month ago. all at once, the thought rips that feeling of stability out from under him and to compensate, he grabs with his left at keith’s hand. he squeezes it there at his belly, holding tighter, eyes still closed and teeth chewing at his bottom lip.
okay, is his line. that’s all he has to say and then maybe he can divert to a goodnight that’ll end any further discussion. but his voice whispers low: ]
Will you think less of me if I say I’m glad you’re here?
[ because shiro thinks less of himself. it feels selfish. feels gross. he hates that keith is here, being forced into vulnerable moments… but a part of shiro is grateful too. keith being here makes this place a little less terrible. ]
[ keith can't and doesn't pretend to know the ins and outs of his best friend's state of mind. there's always been selective topics that have been banned from discourse for one reason or another, but given just a tiny peek into shiro's headspace, it always feels he carries a disproportionate amount of baggage.
it's been years now, but keith still vividly remembers the day he'd learned about shiro's muscular dystrophy years after the fact of them spending all that time together racing in the desert when shiro could have and probably should have been resting aching muscles. heh. shiro's never really been the sort to open up at all -- not about anything that truly weighs him down. it's messed up to find even a pinprick of comfort in this shiro being every bit as stubborn about himself, but the fact of the matter is that this moment here with his best friend covering up his hand and talking earnestly makes keith happier than he knows what to do with.
his own head clear of the angry buzzing from earlier, keith actually manages a laugh -- a soft, airy thing that tickles the back of shiro's ear. ]
Heh. Doubt there's much you could do to get me to think less of you, Shiro.
[ for better or for worse. even when keith had been convinced the clone was the real shiro and that the real shiro had been trying to kill him, he still earnestly believed in shiro. he wonders though, if something like that is more burden than comfort to hear. keith shifts a little lower, nose pressed to shiro's neck, his lips less than an inch away from touching skin. ]
You have no idea how glad I am you're here, too.
[ and no idea just to what lengths keith would go to follow shiro wherever it is. whether that happens to be porn prison or off the edge of a collapsing platform into oblivion. ]
Even if I still think you should be on a nice beach with a pina colada.
[ it isn’t a fair question to begin with. aside from a blip here or there, keith’s favor toward him tends to run steady. this last argument ran far closer to ruin than shiro would have ever anticipated for them, but fifteen minutes spent and some close contact later, the ties between them are once again stable and strong. so keith was never going to answer that in a negative light. shiro was always going to get a pass. does it make shiro feel better to hear it? the first part, no. shiro has a lot of things buried. a lot of things that don’t fit into the golden boy image or even the strong, do good leader persona he’s adopted through voltron. his record isn’t clean and neither are his thoughts; if keith knew the actual person shiro’s become, he’d find reasons to think less of him.
funnily enough, he doesn’t judge keith for saying the exact same thing shiro has been berating himself over: keith’s glad he’s here too. it surprises him, not so much the sentiment itself, but the fact that keith says them. if he’s not judgemental of keith… he can't be judgmental of himself, can he? that’s the reasoning. it’s difficult to argue against it, especially when his focus keeps drifting to the nose pressed against his nape and breath fanning across. if they’re selfish and needy when it comes to each other, is it okay? does it balance out?
he’s on the fence, still stubbornly unwilling to let himself be comforted to some sort of conclusion but then there’s that last bit that’s disjointed from the seriousness of the rest. it pushes shiro right off that fence and before he knows it, he’s huffing an amused sound and knocking back his foot, pushing it between the lay of keith’s legs in some sort of retaliation for making him laugh. ]
There is a beach here.
[ a crappy one that may or may not have actual sea monsters waiting offshore. relaxing his hold on keith’s hand, he draws his up, skimming along keith’s wrist and forearm, ending a few inches shy of his elbow as shiro twists marginally, not quite turning to toss a glance over his shoulder to keith. he merely turns his head, looking to the ceiling, but with the angle, his voice carries more clearly. ]
Maybe Dietary has the fixings for piña coladas. We can snatch those too when we get the enchiladas tomorrow.
[ it's really only after shiro laughs that some internal pressure valve gets fully released. keith relaxes further, grinning broadly to himself as he raises his top leg and swings it over shiro's knee to loosely pin the offending foot. it all continues to be a strange mix of familiar and uncharted territory, really. wrestling and physical training have alwyas been a part of their friendship, but keith can't say that he's ever had his lips so close to shiro's cheek. somehow the proximity didn't register quite as strongly when he'd been staring down the back of his best friend's face, but with shiro partly angled towards him, keith misses a beat and holds his breath.
suddenly drinks on the beach and enchiladas are the last things on keith's mimd, but he swallows and tries to get back into the established momentum of conversation. ]
Oh...
[ okay so maybe attempt #1 falls flat on its face. attempt #2 goes marginally better. ]
... I hope so. It'd be nice to just hang out. We haven't done that in... [ a good while, huh? ] ... well since you got here. [ a beat. hanging out with shiro and pretending to have some degree of freedom isn't remotely like the high intensity chases out in the desert where they truly were just wild and free, but all the same.... ] ...I'd really like that.
[ since he got here doesn’t sound right either. they haven’t done anything worthy of being called fun, at least not with each other. so when was the last time they hung out? voltron? the garrison? shiro throws the title of best friend around like it’s a universally accepted norm, but if he stops to think about it, does that title truly belong to him? best friends actually do things together; things that don’t happen purely out of obligation, that is.
it’s a miserable thought. it carries all the potential to drag shiro’s mood down. all he has to do is let it. though, what good would that do other than further proving he’s undeserving of being keith’s closest friend? focusing on that, shiro forcibly clings tight to the happy uptick in conversation and continues to run with it. ]
I would too. [ a pause. a playfully firm: ] So that’s what we’ll do.
[ enchiladas and piña coladas… neither are meant to be taken seriously and yet, here shiro is, onboard and willing to try their luck in pilfering dietary. so much for play by the rules, don’t get in trouble, huh? the risk of getting a slap on the wrist is worth it if it means giving shiro a distinctive timeframe in which he can point to and say that is the last time he and keith did something fun together. ]
By the way… [ since he has a leg draped over him now, pinning his foot, shiro will retaliate by abducting his knee to jostle keith’s leg. he laughs gently. ] I hope you know how to make enchiladas, because I don’t.
[ the jostling, if nothing else, diverts keith's attention away from shiro's cheek. as long as shiro isn't flinching or tensing up from the proximity, that would imply this closeness is okay. more than okay? keith tries to keep that in mind as he breathes out and smiles. ]
Don't have a clue.
[ after getting booted from the garrison, keith had been forced to start being fairly resourceful when it came to food. he can cook, sure, but spending money on a lot of ingredients at the grocery wassn't exactly sustainable from week to week. trapping and hunting had definitely come in handy again in the quantum abyss, though needless to say that hadn't been cooking from a recipe either. all in all, it's been.. a while since keith's tried making a proper step=nnu=step recipe meal, but... ]
As long as you're not handling any kitchen equipment, I'm sure it'll go fine.
[ he gives shiro's belly a playful patpat with his palm before reaching up to playfully flick shiro's prosthetic arm. ]
But maybe we could use your arm as a grill.
[ part joke, part not, keith lightly skims his fingers over shiro's chest before settling it back on his stomach. ]
[ wow. keith’s dishing out the low blows today. he’s sneaky about it too; sandwiching it between a patpat and a skim, so shiro is slowed down on the flutter of sensation that comes with each. the delay doesn’t amount to much though. shiro laughs and rolls his eyes, the accumulation of surprise, scandal, and humor slamming together to shove him into a reaction born from retaliation. with his leg pinned and his belly held hostage, shiro is so wrapped up in keith that the imbalance of their arrangement suddenly becomes unacceptable. so he twists around.
it’s a messy shifting of limbs but shiro is determined to face keith head on, grin, and huff: ]
Brat. [ head to the pillow, he’s got some space between their faces. he‘s undeterred by the closeness, likely due to him still chasing the joke, because in the next moment, he’s mimicking keith with a flick, though his lands at keith’s shoulder. ] My arm isn’t a hotplate.
[ he laughs again, softer this time. ]
… But I’ll admit, I’m kinda curious to see if we can make it work.
[ a pause. then he’s tutting, voice gone sarcastic: ]
Oh, excuse me, I mean see if you can make it work. [ he can only be blind to it for so long: the proximity is dawning on him. it has him feeling warm and… oddly reckless. they agreed to this. this is fine. he can look at keith slyly and finish the joke, there’s nothing wrong with their legs still all tangled up and shiro’s arm now hooking over keith’s, settling on the bed behind him. ]
I’m just the kitchen equipment and you’re the one handling me… that’s the deal, right?
[ the twisting around should give keith ample warning of shiro's intentions, but it still does nothing to dampen the spread of heat across his cheeks when they end up lying side by side and face to face. the atmosphere is still light and jovial, but there's something a little special about holding and being held that feels delicate enough to be blown away with an errant breath of air. keith's stomach twists, heart fluttering with inexplicable nervousness. ]
You can be whatever you want, Shiro.
[ for as long as keith can remember, that's something shiro's always fought relentlessly for. keith will be damned if he starts trying to tell shiro what he can or can't be in the kitchen. expression fond, he catches shiro's flicky fingers and holds them in his hand. ]
But I'd like to handle you. In the interest of preventing a fire. [ a beat. ] If you'll let me anyway.
[ are they still talking about enchiladas? considering the joke is shiro posing as kitchen equipment, keith’s peptalk-esque you can be whatever you want throws shiro. not enough to derail the momentum, but enough for shiro to blink and lose that shit-eating, teasing grin in favor of a bemused smile. he half expects a if you put your mind to it to follow that; thankfully, it doesn’t.
the slight befuddlement eases and he picks up ground on his amusement again, oddly charmed by the lack of clapback. he sounds so serious, so earnest. like there’s something more meaningful going on here beyond a few dumb jokes. shiro’s expression shifts again, this time following in the wake of keith’s own. keith goes soft-eyed, shiro goes soft-eyed. keith goes fond, shiro goes fond. feeding off of the affection so freely offered to him, shiro feels warm and sobered, the teasing gone from his voice as he breathes out: ]
Yeah. [ keith took the first initiative, and shiro cleans up with the second: he angles his fingers and stretches them through, fitting them in between keith’s for a lacing that has their palms pressing flush together. ]
I’ll let you.
[ and he shifts, not more than a nuzzle closer across the shared pillow, smiling sweet. another beat and then he huffs; unfortunately, he can’t resist it entirely. it being the need to say: ]
But I think it should be pointed out that someone here did start a fire recently and it wasn’t me.
[ inarguably, keith's been in more compromising and vulnerable positions with far less clothing on than a full body flight suit on, but there's something about the simplcity of their palms flush and touching that makes his heart beat just a pinch faster. obviously this isn't going anywhere racy, but evidently his heart isn't registering a difference. keith briefly tightens his grip to give shiro's hand a squeeze,. it's experimental and is like dipping a toe in untested waters, but it feels a whole lot less intimidating when it's followed up with a line of teasing. ]
Hey. I didn't do anything wrong. You're the one who works maintenance now. If there's another electrical fire due to faulty wiring, it's all on you now.
[ he laughs, holding eye contact for as long as he can until his chest starts to feel like it might burst with some unnamed feeling and averts his eyes to shiro's collarbone, smiling turning entirely sheepish. ]
I'll accept an apology on behalf of your department any time now.
[ it’s a slippery slope and shiro can’t say whether it’s a good thing or a bad thing that this feels natural. wasn’t it only a few minutes ago that they came to a tentative agreement? do things our way, when things feel right, that’s what keith pitched it as. shiro had anticipated baby steps of exploration, but those baby steps have led them to spooning together, tangling together, and… flirting with each other…? oh god, that’s what they’re doing, isn’t it? he’s chatting keith up with the kind of eagerness that makes him think of lance.
okay, wait, backtracking that thought. shiro should give himself more credit; he isn’t that bad. at the very least, keith seems to be receptive to it, if that duck out, break of eye contact and accompanying smile are anything to go by. both have shiro feeling a little victorious and a lot airy. when things feel right, he keeps rounding back to that thought, letting it guide him as he takes their combined hands, nudging interlaced knuckles gently to keith’s chin in a wordless, eyes up here.
if he’s going to make an apology, keith ought to look at him, yeah? he laughs softly, trying to sober his voice, but ultimately failing in keeping the humor out of it. ]
I’m sorry a portion of your hideous orange wardrobe got singed. I know you were real broken up about that.
[ it's just a gentle nudge under his chin, but it makes the warm flush spread that much further from his cheeks to his ears. not that looking at shiro is difficult, but when they're partly entangled in bed and laughing, his heart keeps threatening to do stupid acrobatics. whether that's normal or not, keith couldn't say, but that non-apology is so wholeheartedly insincere that he hiccups a laugh. it would have been a giggle really, if he weren't immediately self conscious and busy clearing his throat the next beat and praying shiro doesn't feel the bob of his adam's apple. ]
.. heh. Well I suppose the part of my wrist that's more exposed thanks to your department's negligence can learn to forgive you eventually.
[ try as he might though, keith doesn't come remotely close to sounding serious. the grin won't wipe off his face and for that matter neither will the shy shyness about his eyes. with those fingers still nudged under his chin, it's impossible to know where to look. down gives him a full glance at shiro's lips and that's ... ah, probably not where he ought to be looking. huh? keith glances back up again, giving shiro's hand another squeeze. ]
[ … and then there’s that. a baby step leading to sleeping together is one thing. a baby step that has them shaving off inches from the implied buffer between them is another. keith looks down and from this distance, it’s impossible to misconstrued his focus: keith’s looking at his mouth. the moment he thinks it is the moment he rolls his bottom lip in, tonguing it beneath his top incisors and letting it drag back out. it’s a subconscious move and one he doesn’t comprehend until he feels his teeth dig and his saliva stick, wetting his lip. keith’s eyes are back up though and shiro’s relieved for that.
… mostly?
he isn’t quite sure if he is. he thinks he should be, but his hand is firm in keith’s and his gaze is full of pretty, laughter-touched eyes that flutter with the barest hint of shyness. before he knows it, his thoughts find their way back to the tablet and the list waiting there. no aftercare and no kisses. it’s baffling. it’s wrong. and briefly, shiro wonders if keith has ever done this with anyone else: gone shy and wanting, peeking at their mouth but making no move to claim the soft kind of affection he deserves.
righting a supposed wrong isn’t a good reason to shift closer. shiro’s stolen inch, the one that has their noses almost brushing isn’t solely due to that. when things feel right. there’s that too, but it isn’t quite strong enough for shiro to bridge the gap entirely on his own. instead, he nuzzles into the pillow and allows a laugh to slip into his voice. ]
Sounds like that could take awhile.
[ their hands are still butted underneath keith’s chin. shiro relaxes the clasp. though doesn't let go, flicking out his index finger to brush just that much more along the line of his jaw. ]
Anything I can do to sway that forgiveness faster?
[ banter between them is fairly routine. hell, throwing out playful quips when one of them has the other pinned while wrestling is practically a given. arguably, wrestling pushes them into a far more awward positions than lying side by side, but at least with wrestling there aren't any accompanying exploratory face touches. but is "at least" even where keith's mind is at? finding comfort in his best friend is something that's been won with time and effort put in to getting to know keith, rather than anything else. but it's been hard not to notice all the ways in which shiro draws in the eye.
everything is meantt o be at their own pace, withouany buckling to outside pressure to complete sheets or yielding to aphrodisiaic. in some ways, maybe it's harder to look at his best friend and own the fact that he likes shiro's hanx touching his face and clasping his. that it makes him fluttery to know shiro is looking at him with that smile while their legs and tangled. when aphro had been involved, keith had been able to disown it. he doesn't know how he would even begin to excuse the fact that he'd been thinking of shiro and his dick while bending over for a stranger, so he hasn't tried to -- and perhaps that's for the best. every time his thoughts slip even fractionally in that direction, keith is left trying to scrub his head blank and empty. he catches himself doing that right now, blinking hard through the hopeful swoop in his chest. would it even be right to act so familiar with a shiro who might technically not even be his? ... not that shiro had ever been his. keith mulls it over for a beat, before deciding he doesn't want to anymore. he steals another look down at shiro's lips, now a little glossier somehow and is slow to look back up.
how can srhio win back his forgiveness faster? it's meant to be a facetious question. in fact, this entire conversation about enchiladas and pina coladas had beennothing but jokes standing in for... something. frowning very slightly, keith leans in a quarter inch closer until their noses touch. ]
You could keep smiling at me like that.
[ is that too much? keith doesn't know. but it'd been a long two years without his best friend in the quantum abyss and an even longer fight in the abandoned facility. native some part of him will always be worried about shiro -- the one with a full head of white hair and a clone's body, but seeing the WAY THIS SHIRO SMILES, IT GIVES KEITH SOME HOPE. ]
[ keith’s doing it again. this time, however, their gazes catch and shiro watches keith’s brow crease as a frown takes shape. he has the briefest moment to wonder if he should be concerned, because keith’s thoughts are clearly going somewhere, but then noses brush and keith’s offering shiro the simplest of suggestions. that’s it? that’s all keith needs from him?
emotion fills him then, both of which are nebulous, yet conflicting. first, there’s the gentle wave of affection that isn’t at all new when it comes to keith. it’s reactionary at this point; he feels it in varying levels every time he spends any amount of time with his best friend. here, it’s wrapped up in syrupy sweetness, the extent of it warming him from the inside out leaving him feeling unbalanced, even though he’s lying down and curled. it’s like that sometimes; he isn’t so bold to say this is adoration, but keith’s looking at him and speaking to him in hushed tones, so genuinely happy with the show of shiro’s barest effort. precious, is a word that comes to him then, though he can’t say if he means to direct it at their friendship or at keith himself.
either way, he feels protective in the moment and sorry too. disappointed, fits better. it’s strange to be touched by keith’s modest nature while simultaneously being frustrated by it. or more specifically, frustrated with himself for it. is keith that easily satisfied or has shiro given him the bare minimum so frequently in the recent past that he’s grown to want nothing more? makes sense, shiro just barely worked through accepting the idea of helping keith through his first time bottoming, only to completely shut down when it didn’t pan out the way shiro had anticipated.
it’s different now though. now, like so much time has passed. they have their feet tangled, fingers laced and faces close, so close… yet keith doesn’t follow shiro’s thoughts down the route of sentence sheets. he doesn’t ask for a kiss. it has shiro disappointed and then confused as to why he’s disappointed. ]
You’re making it too easy for me.
[ the words slip out without thought. you didn’t a few minutes ago, sounds off in his mind. with how they are currently, it’s difficult to even remember how keith laid into him hard. inevitably, no matter how bad things get, keith makes things easy for him, whether through supporting him through difficult situations or being more forgiving of shiro’s barriers, more so than anyone else. point is, this is easy and natural, and while that’s good, part of shiro can’t understand why he’s being given a free pass. ]
I’m not doing anything special. This is just how I look at you.
[ funnily enough, he’s not holding up his end of the bargain. the smile is still there, but it’s dimmed to something softer, something carrying a twinge of confusion. ]
[ keith hesitates a moment, unsure of what that response even means. are they still bantering and if so, did keith mess this up by being too earnest? or is shiro being also being earnest in saying that? and if that's the case, then what is keith's next move? either he's lost the plot on how to behave at this point, and keith chews his lower lip a little nervously.
shiro isn't lance. shiro wouldn't make fun of him for being confused or needing a bit of guidance in how to talk, but there's a stubbornness to keith that refuses to cede ground to the doubt swirling in his head about whether or not he really knows how to engage with his best friend. ]
But you're the only one who looks at me like that.
[ and perhaps just as importantly, the only one that a soft smile from well and truly matters. at the end of the day, keith knows there are plenty of people in his life now who would be happy for him and care about his well being. krolia, for one. the other paladins as well. but he knows tha they'll be okay, with or without him. for a while, he'd thought the same about shiro -- that maybe it was just keith who needed or wanted him, but somehow he's not show of that anymore.
not because shiro can't stand up for himself or doesn't have the willpower to muscle through any challenge in his way, but because keith's suddenly unsure of who it is that shiro would go to. who shiro might smile for in that warm way that makes the rest of the universe tune out like scatterings of white noise. does keith even wantthis is?
keith doesn't dare qualifying that placeholder. he holds shiro's gaze despite wanting to look away. there's so little space between their faces at this point that even the tiniest breaths are puffs of warm air he can feel on his lip. still, he doesn't dare to close that miniscule gap -- not yet. not until after he's clarified one thing: ]
... and the only one that makes me want to smile back.
[ the only one who looks at him like that – that being what? proud? pleased? genuinely happy to see him? shiro doesn’t want to believe that. they’re a long ways from the galaxy garrison days of jealous cadets and impatient brass, so surely by now, this older, more mature – and hopefully more receptive – keith has found people capable of appreciating him. it’s not just the galaxy garrison though, huh? last shiro remembers, team voltron was still bickering over inconsequentials, some of which having to do with the stunt keith pulled with allura. shiro’s been trying to pay attention to the differences in the team here, to see if there’s a better connection for him to look forward to when he’s inevitably returned to his timeline.
but it’s much the same, as far as he can tell. hell, a few hours ago, lance was letting slip that he and keith were at odds. so maybe it is true. maybe keith isn’t getting the attention and care he is due. care? aftercare? his mind jumps from one word to the next and again, he’s thinking of the sheet and how it isn’t at all right how keith is given so little.
guess that’s where shiro comes in then. if no one else can open their eyes and see past the surly resting face, the bad hair, and the awkward, stilted socialization, to appreciate how magnificent keith is at the core, then fine, shiro will fill the void. that jubilant confidence is talked down almost immediately; shiro can never quite escape falling prey to his own perceived shortcomings. ]
I wanna keep you smiling. [ this close, the fall of his smile is difficult to see. his voice gives him away though, it turning wistful through the murmur: ] Wish I could.
[ but despite all his best intentions, he isn’t the greatest of friends, is he? he’s hurt keith quite a few times. kerberos comes to mind, almost dying does too. then there’s all the secrets and moments in which shiro has been unwilling to open up, this last month included. shiro’s got the rep of being great at taking care of people, like some ridiculous space dad, but that’s only due to him having an open ear and a practice for pep-talks. the truth of the matter is he doesn’t know what he’s doing. ]
You deserve to be happy. [ shiro’s the one to shy his gaze away. there is no pull away, he’s too selfishly attached to the gentle pressure of keith’s nose against his. but he does close his eyes, finding comfort in it. ] I want you to be happy.
[ right about now is where keith ought to be refuting his apparent unhappiness. if keith were a better liar, maybe he could even spin it convincingly, but they've just come off the heels of an argument and keith is instead lulled into an uneasy silence.. the fact that keith has lost all grounding for what they're even talking about helps nothing at all.
what timeframe is shiro even talking about? in general? while they're here? back home? the future? wish i could has such a defeatist undertone to it that carries finalith that keith doesn't like the second he's processed it. shiro hasn't come out and said it, but could implies an unspken but can't that keith tries not to hear. regardless, shiro isn't responsible for his happiness, much less does he need to be the sole reason for it. keith pauses, looking at the way shiro's dropped eye contact and feels a pit forming in his stomach. ]
Why can't we?
[ the question slips out of him before judgment catches up to him. why they can't be happy is largely self evident, isn't it? they're stuck in a fucking human trafficking sex hole masquerading as an intergalactic prison with seemingly no means of escape and beyond this they have an uncertain future with a long war ahead. kicking himself mentallyy, keith too looks away embarrassed and inches back, downcast. ]
[ annnnd he’s squashed the momentum. it wrangles a wince out of him, just in knowing that he’s stepped too far into this honesty business and lost himself in the process to ramble off… what? what was that anyway? now that he’s in the aftermath of it, replaying the words in his head, he’s flabbergasted by his own ramblings. from arguing to flirting to a poorly veiled, wannabe apology for not making keith as happy as shiro deems appropriate? is that what that was…? keith isn’t the only one inwardly scratching his head; shiro’s lost the plot too.
he feels keith shift, nose grazing as he slips away. don’t do it whispers into his thoughts but he can’t say who it’s directed toward: keith for moving away or shiro, with the reflex of fluttering his eyes open. doesn’t matter in the end, both of them follow through in each. he’d been shying away from keith’s gaze moments ago and now that he opens his eyes to find keith’s downcast, he feels – sad? desperate. unbalanced on the rush, he formulates words without thought. ]
I’m sorry.
[ their faces are still so close, far closer than they’ve ever dared outside of this evening, but it doesn’t feel right, not like before. shiro did that. he didn’t follow through and give keith the one thing he asked for. he let the smile slip. ]
I think I’ve said too much. [ or too little. he muscles down another grimace and then forces a huff of a laugh that doesn’t hit its mark. ] Ignore me. It’s the exhaustion speaking.
[ keith hesitates. social situations have the unfortunate tendency of occasionally requiring a delicate touch that keith has never properly mastered. all it takes is a single beat for keith to hate every time he's deflected or refused to participate in a difficult conversation because even though that'd made things easy for him in the moment, he sees now that the experiences have collectively robbed him of grace. his heart skips -- one trip short of outright panic as he reaches out with his other hand to grab shiro by the shoulder. ]
Wait.
[ wait. like shiro was actually going somewhere when they're still locked in close. the embarrassment prickles at the edges of his awareness before keith muscles through the unpleasantness with a more restrained: ]
Not literally, obviously. I mean... [ fuck. he closes his eyes and heaves a deep breath. ] Okay, I don't know what I mean. But you don't have to be sorry. I was thinking in my head that I just want you to be happy too.
[ he opens his eyes, looking both sheepish and a little crestfallen. ]
I should have just said that. [ he swallows, then abandons eye contact once again. ] ... I guess I wish I was better at that too.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nah he's the holepuncher
Uh... on my side, facing away from the exit with my knife under my pillow and the wolf at my back?
[ speaking of which. ] Oh. I should put that away, huh?
[ looking sheepish yet again, keith sits up to pull the sheathed knife out from under his pillow and tosses it over the foot of the cot where it lands by the rest of his armor. ]
Thanks for reminding me. But uh... you can sleep in whatever way is most comfy for you? I mean... you're bigger so, I can conform to you if you want.
imagine him having that sign and keith being like, holepuncher...? shiro: /sweats
as domesticated as keith is? he makes a rough, amused sound in his throat as the knife is tossed. right, no wonder keith and the wolf got along so well.
he makes another sound, softer this time, more contemplative. they keep circling the same thing and getting nowhere because of it: i’ll do what you want. the accommodating nature is touching, yet frustrating, only in that they’re manufacturing this feeling of walking on eggshells. so, shiro abruptly gives up on it. ]
This is comfortable.
[ is it precisely what he wants? not exactly. he’s bordering the edge, knees of his bent legs edging off if it. still not the most uncomfortable sleep he’ll have ever had, if he sleeps. he wonders if he should tell keith that he has trouble sleeping and doesn’t often go without waking or having a fit of bad dreams. no. he can see how that conversation would go and he doesn’t want to drag the mood down again, this time with a pity party. so he shoves his hand underneath the pillow and firms it up as he nestles his head fully into it. ]
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keith scoots himself a little lower in the bed, head hovering just above the freshly fluffed pillow. he holds the uncomfortable position for two ticks, contemplating his close up of shiro's undercut like that might give him privileged access to mindreading abilifies. he might as well be trying to reach keysmash for all the good this accomplishes.
he drops his head down and pulls the covers up his chin. again, he wants to ask a redundant question about shiro's comfort, but manages to jeep his mouth zipped. instead, his gaze drops back down to the inch of space left between them, tries to calculate how close to the edge shiro must be and decides -- fuck it.
he throws an arm over shiro's waist, tugging to draw him back further onto the cot and closer to him. ]
Come closer. There's room.
[ a beat. ]
... and tell me how you're doing here. For real, I mean, Not the sugarcoated "I'm fine" stoic leader crap.
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ah. taking full advantage of shiro’s lowered defenses, huh? he pauses, frown pinching his brow. a touch grumbly: ]
It’s not stoic leader crap. I mean it. [ a few words in and the frown loses strength, self-awareness pinging as he hears himself. horseshit, right? a little more sheepishly now: ] Mostly.
[ a pause follows, but only in speech. he sighs out afterwards and in lieu of admitting the, frankly, untruthfulness there, he offers an olive branch in the form of him scooting backward. their bodies brush and then press when shiro takes another inch with one last scooch. there, he settles. adjusting his hand under the pillow and resnuggling the side of his face into it, shiro relaxes, marginally and slowly, exhaling a heavy breath before picking up where he should have begun. ]
Just… [ he wavers, hesitating. ] I didn’t think I’d be a prisoner again.
[ it’s an answer, yet not one. how is he doing; he can’t answer it directly. he doesn’t want to. he doesn’t want to openly admit that despite his push to cooperate and make due with the situation they’ve found themselves in, he isn’t actually as put together as he’s trying to present himself as. everyone on the team is having such a hard time, someone has to be the anchor.
but this is keith. and faking it around keith never seems to last. ]
Feels like I just escaped the last time. [ he laughs softly at that, the sound hollow. ] I know things are better here than they were with the Galra but… you know…
[ and he trails off, not knowing how to put it into words. ]
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shiro's never said much about his time in captivity with the galra. in some ways, maybe he never had to. if a picture is worth a thousand words, then the many scars on criss crossed on his best friend's body are an entire unspoken odyseey of self-explanatory horror. thinking about it, it's messed up isn't it? keith and shiro haven't had the chance to properly decompress what happened that year, and now somewhere back in his own reality, that may never happen just on account of the trauma of the clone's existence. and maybe even that will just pass on along as yet another unspoken horror simply because the war is unending and who knows what the next bit of psychologixal damage will be?
it's an impotent wish at best, but keith hopes that whatever it is, the universe is done chewing on shiro and will finally cut him a break.
but maybe it never will. from galra prison to porn prison, shiro really does have the most messed up shit happen to him, huh? lost for words, keith unconsciously tightens his grip around his best friend's waist, forehead bumping lightly against the back of his head. ]
I'm sorry. [ the response is just about the lamest thing in the world and keith grimaces yet again for the fucking platitude. ] I wish the universe could have sent you somewhere nice for a change. I can't think of anyone who deserves to be relaxing on a beach more than you.
[ keith laughs, quiet and a little bitter. ]
...I just want you to know that you can talk to me. If there's anything I can do to make this place even a little less terrible for you, you know I'd do it in a heartbeat. Whether that's us talking or me finding you something to punch ...or you know. Helping with sheets.
[ voice going quiet, keith trails off and swallows. ]
We're in this together, okay?
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he hates this. he’s been telling himself from the beginning that this prison is easier. better. freewill is similarly stripped but there’s some leeway in their ability to live. the food is a wildcard and the occasional prison wide hijinx stirs the pot, but aside from that, they get to choose the who, the what, the where and the when in accordance to their community service. a few one night stands isn’t so bad, not when shiro’s lived through a sentence that’s involved murder and experimentation.
but it’s starting to wear on him, especially when he thinks too heavily about the team. he doesn’t want this for them. if he could, he’d take on their sheets and have them sent back to their own realities.
… at least, that’s what he tells himself.
he’s not supposed to be comforted by everything keith is saying. it’s not far off from shiro’s own pep-talks: we’re a team, we stick together, come to me if anyone or anything gives you trouble. he’s supposed to be stronger than needing to hear it directed at him. it touches deep though, every word’s weight is aided by the forehead against him and the arm around him. shiro feels – grounded. secure, almost, like it’d actually be okay to not be okay, because keith has him.
so would he actually take on keith’s sentence and have him sent away if given the chance? the answer isn’t as clear as it had been a month ago. all at once, the thought rips that feeling of stability out from under him and to compensate, he grabs with his left at keith’s hand. he squeezes it there at his belly, holding tighter, eyes still closed and teeth chewing at his bottom lip.
okay, is his line. that’s all he has to say and then maybe he can divert to a goodnight that’ll end any further discussion. but his voice whispers low: ]
Will you think less of me if I say I’m glad you’re here?
[ because shiro thinks less of himself. it feels selfish. feels gross. he hates that keith is here, being forced into vulnerable moments… but a part of shiro is grateful too. keith being here makes this place a little less terrible. ]
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it's been years now, but keith still vividly remembers the day he'd learned about shiro's muscular dystrophy years after the fact of them spending all that time together racing in the desert when shiro could have and probably should have been resting aching muscles. heh. shiro's never really been the sort to open up at all -- not about anything that truly weighs him down. it's messed up to find even a pinprick of comfort in this shiro being every bit as stubborn about himself, but the fact of the matter is that this moment here with his best friend covering up his hand and talking earnestly makes keith happier than he knows what to do with.
his own head clear of the angry buzzing from earlier, keith actually manages a laugh -- a soft, airy thing that tickles the back of shiro's ear. ]
Heh. Doubt there's much you could do to get me to think less of you, Shiro.
[ for better or for worse. even when keith had been convinced the clone was the real shiro and that the real shiro had been trying to kill him, he still earnestly believed in shiro. he wonders though, if something like that is more burden than comfort to hear. keith shifts a little lower, nose pressed to shiro's neck, his lips less than an inch away from touching skin. ]
You have no idea how glad I am you're here, too.
[ and no idea just to what lengths keith would go to follow shiro wherever it is. whether that happens to be porn prison or off the edge of a collapsing platform into oblivion. ]
Even if I still think you should be on a nice beach with a pina colada.
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funnily enough, he doesn’t judge keith for saying the exact same thing shiro has been berating himself over: keith’s glad he’s here too. it surprises him, not so much the sentiment itself, but the fact that keith says them. if he’s not judgemental of keith… he can't be judgmental of himself, can he? that’s the reasoning. it’s difficult to argue against it, especially when his focus keeps drifting to the nose pressed against his nape and breath fanning across. if they’re selfish and needy when it comes to each other, is it okay? does it balance out?
he’s on the fence, still stubbornly unwilling to let himself be comforted to some sort of conclusion but then there’s that last bit that’s disjointed from the seriousness of the rest. it pushes shiro right off that fence and before he knows it, he’s huffing an amused sound and knocking back his foot, pushing it between the lay of keith’s legs in some sort of retaliation for making him laugh. ]
There is a beach here.
[ a crappy one that may or may not have actual sea monsters waiting offshore. relaxing his hold on keith’s hand, he draws his up, skimming along keith’s wrist and forearm, ending a few inches shy of his elbow as shiro twists marginally, not quite turning to toss a glance over his shoulder to keith. he merely turns his head, looking to the ceiling, but with the angle, his voice carries more clearly. ]
Maybe Dietary has the fixings for piña coladas. We can snatch those too when we get the enchiladas tomorrow.
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suddenly drinks on the beach and enchiladas are the last things on keith's mimd, but he swallows and tries to get back into the established momentum of conversation. ]
Oh...
[ okay so maybe attempt #1 falls flat on its face. attempt #2 goes marginally better. ]
... I hope so. It'd be nice to just hang out. We haven't done that in... [ a good while, huh? ] ... well since you got here. [ a beat. hanging out with shiro and pretending to have some degree of freedom isn't remotely like the high intensity chases out in the desert where they truly were just wild and free, but all the same.... ] ...I'd really like that.
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it’s a miserable thought. it carries all the potential to drag shiro’s mood down. all he has to do is let it. though, what good would that do other than further proving he’s undeserving of being keith’s closest friend? focusing on that, shiro forcibly clings tight to the happy uptick in conversation and continues to run with it. ]
I would too. [ a pause. a playfully firm: ] So that’s what we’ll do.
[ enchiladas and piña coladas… neither are meant to be taken seriously and yet, here shiro is, onboard and willing to try their luck in pilfering dietary. so much for play by the rules, don’t get in trouble, huh? the risk of getting a slap on the wrist is worth it if it means giving shiro a distinctive timeframe in which he can point to and say that is the last time he and keith did something fun together. ]
By the way… [ since he has a leg draped over him now, pinning his foot, shiro will retaliate by abducting his knee to jostle keith’s leg. he laughs gently. ] I hope you know how to make enchiladas, because I don’t.
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Don't have a clue.
[ after getting booted from the garrison, keith had been forced to start being fairly resourceful when it came to food. he can cook, sure, but spending money on a lot of ingredients at the grocery wassn't exactly sustainable from week to week. trapping and hunting had definitely come in handy again in the quantum abyss, though needless to say that hadn't been cooking from a recipe either. all in all, it's been.. a while since keith's tried making a proper step=nnu=step recipe meal, but... ]
As long as you're not handling any kitchen equipment, I'm sure it'll go fine.
[ he gives shiro's belly a playful patpat with his palm before reaching up to playfully flick shiro's prosthetic arm. ]
But maybe we could use your arm as a grill.
[ part joke, part not, keith lightly skims his fingers over shiro's chest before settling it back on his stomach. ]
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it’s a messy shifting of limbs but shiro is determined to face keith head on, grin, and huff: ]
Brat. [ head to the pillow, he’s got some space between their faces. he‘s undeterred by the closeness, likely due to him still chasing the joke, because in the next moment, he’s mimicking keith with a flick, though his lands at keith’s shoulder. ] My arm isn’t a hotplate.
[ he laughs again, softer this time. ]
… But I’ll admit, I’m kinda curious to see if we can make it work.
[ a pause. then he’s tutting, voice gone sarcastic: ]
Oh, excuse me, I mean see if you can make it work. [ he can only be blind to it for so long: the proximity is dawning on him. it has him feeling warm and… oddly reckless. they agreed to this. this is fine. he can look at keith slyly and finish the joke, there’s nothing wrong with their legs still all tangled up and shiro’s arm now hooking over keith’s, settling on the bed behind him. ]
I’m just the kitchen equipment and you’re the one handling me… that’s the deal, right?
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You can be whatever you want, Shiro.
[ for as long as keith can remember, that's something shiro's always fought relentlessly for. keith will be damned if he starts trying to tell shiro what he can or can't be in the kitchen. expression fond, he catches shiro's flicky fingers and holds them in his hand. ]
But I'd like to handle you. In the interest of preventing a fire. [ a beat. ] If you'll let me anyway.
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the slight befuddlement eases and he picks up ground on his amusement again, oddly charmed by the lack of clapback. he sounds so serious, so earnest. like there’s something more meaningful going on here beyond a few dumb jokes. shiro’s expression shifts again, this time following in the wake of keith’s own. keith goes soft-eyed, shiro goes soft-eyed. keith goes fond, shiro goes fond. feeding off of the affection so freely offered to him, shiro feels warm and sobered, the teasing gone from his voice as he breathes out: ]
Yeah. [ keith took the first initiative, and shiro cleans up with the second: he angles his fingers and stretches them through, fitting them in between keith’s for a lacing that has their palms pressing flush together. ]
I’ll let you.
[ and he shifts, not more than a nuzzle closer across the shared pillow, smiling sweet. another beat and then he huffs; unfortunately, he can’t resist it entirely. it being the need to say: ]
But I think it should be pointed out that someone here did start a fire recently and it wasn’t me.
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Hey. I didn't do anything wrong. You're the one who works maintenance now. If there's another electrical fire due to faulty wiring, it's all on you now.
[ he laughs, holding eye contact for as long as he can until his chest starts to feel like it might burst with some unnamed feeling and averts his eyes to shiro's collarbone, smiling turning entirely sheepish. ]
I'll accept an apology on behalf of your department any time now.
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okay, wait, backtracking that thought. shiro should give himself more credit; he isn’t that bad. at the very least, keith seems to be receptive to it, if that duck out, break of eye contact and accompanying smile are anything to go by. both have shiro feeling a little victorious and a lot airy. when things feel right, he keeps rounding back to that thought, letting it guide him as he takes their combined hands, nudging interlaced knuckles gently to keith’s chin in a wordless, eyes up here.
if he’s going to make an apology, keith ought to look at him, yeah? he laughs softly, trying to sober his voice, but ultimately failing in keeping the humor out of it. ]
I’m sorry a portion of your hideous orange wardrobe got singed. I know you were real broken up about that.
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.. heh. Well I suppose the part of my wrist that's more exposed thanks to your department's negligence can learn to forgive you eventually.
[ try as he might though, keith doesn't come remotely close to sounding serious. the grin won't wipe off his face and for that matter neither will the shy shyness about his eyes. with those fingers still nudged under his chin, it's impossible to know where to look. down gives him a full glance at shiro's lips and that's ... ah, probably not where he ought to be looking. huh? keith glances back up again, giving shiro's hand another squeeze. ]
You know. With good behavior.
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… mostly?
he isn’t quite sure if he is. he thinks he should be, but his hand is firm in keith’s and his gaze is full of pretty, laughter-touched eyes that flutter with the barest hint of shyness. before he knows it, his thoughts find their way back to the tablet and the list waiting there. no aftercare and no kisses. it’s baffling. it’s wrong. and briefly, shiro wonders if keith has ever done this with anyone else: gone shy and wanting, peeking at their mouth but making no move to claim the soft kind of affection he deserves.
righting a supposed wrong isn’t a good reason to shift closer. shiro’s stolen inch, the one that has their noses almost brushing isn’t solely due to that. when things feel right. there’s that too, but it isn’t quite strong enough for shiro to bridge the gap entirely on his own. instead, he nuzzles into the pillow and allows a laugh to slip into his voice. ]
Sounds like that could take awhile.
[ their hands are still butted underneath keith’s chin. shiro relaxes the clasp. though doesn't let go, flicking out his index finger to brush just that much more along the line of his jaw. ]
Anything I can do to sway that forgiveness faster?
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everything is meantt o be at their own pace, withouany buckling to outside pressure to complete sheets or yielding to aphrodisiaic. in some ways, maybe it's harder to look at his best friend and own the fact that he likes shiro's hanx touching his face and clasping his. that it makes him fluttery to know shiro is looking at him with that smile while their legs and tangled. when aphro had been involved, keith had been able to disown it. he doesn't know how he would even begin to excuse the fact that he'd been thinking of shiro and his dick while bending over for a stranger, so he hasn't tried to -- and perhaps that's for the best. every time his thoughts slip even fractionally in that direction, keith is left trying to scrub his head blank and empty.
he catches himself doing that right now, blinking hard through the hopeful swoop in his chest. would it even be right to act so familiar with a shiro who might technically not even be his? ... not that shiro had ever been his. keith mulls it over for a beat, before deciding he doesn't want to anymore. he steals another look down at shiro's lips, now a little glossier somehow and is slow to look back up.
how can srhio win back his forgiveness faster? it's meant to be a facetious question. in fact, this entire conversation about enchiladas and pina coladas had beennothing but jokes standing in for... something. frowning very slightly, keith leans in a quarter inch closer until their noses touch. ]
You could keep smiling at me like that.
[ is that too much? keith doesn't know. but it'd been a long two years without his best friend in the quantum abyss and an even longer fight in the abandoned facility. native some part of him will always be worried about shiro -- the one with a full head of white hair and a clone's body, but seeing the WAY THIS SHIRO SMILES, IT GIVES KEITH SOME HOPE. ]
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emotion fills him then, both of which are nebulous, yet conflicting. first, there’s the gentle wave of affection that isn’t at all new when it comes to keith. it’s reactionary at this point; he feels it in varying levels every time he spends any amount of time with his best friend. here, it’s wrapped up in syrupy sweetness, the extent of it warming him from the inside out leaving him feeling unbalanced, even though he’s lying down and curled. it’s like that sometimes; he isn’t so bold to say this is adoration, but keith’s looking at him and speaking to him in hushed tones, so genuinely happy with the show of shiro’s barest effort. precious, is a word that comes to him then, though he can’t say if he means to direct it at their friendship or at keith himself.
either way, he feels protective in the moment and sorry too. disappointed, fits better. it’s strange to be touched by keith’s modest nature while simultaneously being frustrated by it. or more specifically, frustrated with himself for it. is keith that easily satisfied or has shiro given him the bare minimum so frequently in the recent past that he’s grown to want nothing more? makes sense, shiro just barely worked through accepting the idea of helping keith through his first time bottoming, only to completely shut down when it didn’t pan out the way shiro had anticipated.
it’s different now though. now, like so much time has passed. they have their feet tangled, fingers laced and faces close, so close… yet keith doesn’t follow shiro’s thoughts down the route of sentence sheets. he doesn’t ask for a kiss. it has shiro disappointed and then confused as to why he’s disappointed. ]
You’re making it too easy for me.
[ the words slip out without thought. you didn’t a few minutes ago, sounds off in his mind. with how they are currently, it’s difficult to even remember how keith laid into him hard. inevitably, no matter how bad things get, keith makes things easy for him, whether through supporting him through difficult situations or being more forgiving of shiro’s barriers, more so than anyone else. point is, this is easy and natural, and while that’s good, part of shiro can’t understand why he’s being given a free pass. ]
I’m not doing anything special. This is just how I look at you.
[ funnily enough, he’s not holding up his end of the bargain. the smile is still there, but it’s dimmed to something softer, something carrying a twinge of confusion. ]
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shiro isn't lance. shiro wouldn't make fun of him for being confused or needing a bit of guidance in how to talk, but there's a stubbornness to keith that refuses to cede ground to the doubt swirling in his head about whether or not he really knows how to engage with his best friend. ]
But you're the only one who looks at me like that.
[ and perhaps just as importantly, the only one that a soft smile from well and truly matters. at the end of the day, keith knows there are plenty of people in his life now who would be happy for him and care about his well being. krolia, for one. the other paladins as well. but he knows tha they'll be okay, with or without him. for a while, he'd thought the same about shiro -- that maybe it was just keith who needed or wanted him, but somehow he's not show of that anymore.
not because shiro can't stand up for himself or doesn't have the willpower to muscle through any challenge in his way, but because keith's suddenly unsure of who it is that shiro would go to. who shiro might smile for in that warm way that makes the rest of the universe tune out like scatterings of white noise. does keith even wantthis is?
keith doesn't dare qualifying that placeholder. he holds shiro's gaze despite wanting to look away. there's so little space between their faces at this point that even the tiniest breaths are puffs of warm air he can feel on his lip. still, he doesn't dare to close that miniscule gap -- not yet. not until after he's clarified one thing: ]
... and the only one that makes me want to smile back.
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but it’s much the same, as far as he can tell. hell, a few hours ago, lance was letting slip that he and keith were at odds. so maybe it is true. maybe keith isn’t getting the attention and care he is due. care? aftercare? his mind jumps from one word to the next and again, he’s thinking of the sheet and how it isn’t at all right how keith is given so little.
guess that’s where shiro comes in then. if no one else can open their eyes and see past the surly resting face, the bad hair, and the awkward, stilted socialization, to appreciate how magnificent keith is at the core, then fine, shiro will fill the void. that jubilant confidence is talked down almost immediately; shiro can never quite escape falling prey to his own perceived shortcomings. ]
I wanna keep you smiling. [ this close, the fall of his smile is difficult to see. his voice gives him away though, it turning wistful through the murmur: ] Wish I could.
[ but despite all his best intentions, he isn’t the greatest of friends, is he? he’s hurt keith quite a few times. kerberos comes to mind, almost dying does too. then there’s all the secrets and moments in which shiro has been unwilling to open up, this last month included. shiro’s got the rep of being great at taking care of people, like some ridiculous space dad, but that’s only due to him having an open ear and a practice for pep-talks. the truth of the matter is he doesn’t know what he’s doing. ]
You deserve to be happy. [ shiro’s the one to shy his gaze away. there is no pull away, he’s too selfishly attached to the gentle pressure of keith’s nose against his. but he does close his eyes, finding comfort in it. ] I want you to be happy.
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what timeframe is shiro even talking about? in general? while they're here? back home? the future? wish i could has such a defeatist undertone to it that carries finalith that keith doesn't like the second he's processed it. shiro hasn't come out and said it, but could implies an unspken but can't that keith tries not to hear. regardless, shiro isn't responsible for his happiness, much less does he need to be the sole reason for it. keith pauses, looking at the way shiro's dropped eye contact and feels a pit forming in his stomach. ]
Why can't we?
[ the question slips out of him before judgment catches up to him. why they can't be happy is largely self evident, isn't it? they're stuck in a fucking human trafficking sex hole masquerading as an intergalactic prison with seemingly no means of escape and beyond this they have an uncertain future with a long war ahead. kicking himself mentallyy, keith too looks away embarrassed and inches back, downcast. ]
...stupid question. Never mind.
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he feels keith shift, nose grazing as he slips away. don’t do it whispers into his thoughts but he can’t say who it’s directed toward: keith for moving away or shiro, with the reflex of fluttering his eyes open. doesn’t matter in the end, both of them follow through in each. he’d been shying away from keith’s gaze moments ago and now that he opens his eyes to find keith’s downcast, he feels – sad? desperate. unbalanced on the rush, he formulates words without thought. ]
I’m sorry.
[ their faces are still so close, far closer than they’ve ever dared outside of this evening, but it doesn’t feel right, not like before. shiro did that. he didn’t follow through and give keith the one thing he asked for. he let the smile slip. ]
I think I’ve said too much. [ or too little. he muscles down another grimace and then forces a huff of a laugh that doesn’t hit its mark. ] Ignore me. It’s the exhaustion speaking.
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Wait.
[ wait. like shiro was actually going somewhere when they're still locked in close. the embarrassment prickles at the edges of his awareness before keith muscles through the unpleasantness with a more restrained: ]
Not literally, obviously. I mean... [ fuck. he closes his eyes and heaves a deep breath. ] Okay, I don't know what I mean. But you don't have to be sorry. I was thinking in my head that I just want you to be happy too.
[ he opens his eyes, looking both sheepish and a little crestfallen. ]
I should have just said that. [ he swallows, then abandons eye contact once again. ] ... I guess I wish I was better at that too.
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the icon is a lie
omg you lied to me