[ keith's gaze shifts towards the hand extended out towards him, but is slow to reach out and clasp shiro's hand and follow thorugh with the motion of their usual routine. not because he's angry, but because deep down he's started questioning whether or not he even deserves that. shiro had been pissed not even a minute ago, and now this? keith feels sick to his stomach, contemplating and hedging on the lamest compromise of a limp wristed grab and a step closer. the armor makes at least gives him some plausible deniability as to why he doesn't bump chest to chest. ]
I do though.
[ his voice is shaky, quiet and trails off whisper soft before keith has to clear his throat and star over. ]
I can never put anyone else through the warden's horrible punishment, okay? If I just kept my mouth shut and went to the lighthouse alone, then at least Lance would've never been forced to make a naked public apology and freak out about a guy coming to use him. I -- [ voice wavering, keith bites the inside of his lip and drags in a deep breath through his nose. ]
We're a team. I know that. But I could never live with myself if anything I suggested put you in a compromising position like that. Never.
[ not the most reassuring grab in the history of their one-two, bro hugs, but it’s better than nothing. a tug brings keith up and close, and it works to settle shiro’s unease for the briefest of moments. but then he lets go and his mind starts picking apart all the differences here: weak grasp, kept distance, no smile on the step back. they certainly aren’t out of the woods yet, not by a long shot. shiro tries not to frown too intensely and ends up somewhere in the vicinity of pity, concern and apprehension, which really leaves him looking sad.
he doesn’t interrupt; he lets keith say his piece. some trawling through the network archives has shiro caught up on the whole lighthouse debacle. some days, he thinks he should talk to lance about it, but has never actually gotten beyond a general how are you holding up. probably for the best. reopening wounds of the past doesn’t always lead to better healing, shiro knows that well enough. he'll figure that out later. see, lance isn’t the priority here – true as it is, he feels guilty thinking it – keith is. and it’s funny, almost, how they’re of similar mind, yet so completely opposite at the same time. ]
I can’t take you getting punished again either.
[ in any capacity, whether it’s shiro’s fault, keith’s fault, whoever’s fault. still standing close, he places a hand on his shoulder. well, his shoulder guard. it feels weird under his palm, like he’s barred from actually offering keith his specific brand of comfort. still, his hand stays and he frowns. ]
It was hard seeing you when those things went rogue. [ it’s reluctant at first, like saying the words breathes life back into the terror felt when communal went to hell. they start coming faster after the first few though. ] It was like before. I dunno how much you even remember, you were shaking and out of it and…
[ and then they cut off completely. he sighs and shakes his head, dismissing wherever he’d been going with that. the point he’s trying to make, is: ]
I don’t like you hurting, Keith. [ a beat, voice strengthening with certainty. ] And you will, a lot, if you try to shoulder everything. I have your back, always. You just gotta talk me through the things you’ve got going on, so we can do what's best for everyone.
[ keith's glance shifts to the side where shiro's hand clasps his shoulder. his expression shifts somewhat with the motion as well as guilt colors over. honestly, he's probably tried to take most things on by himself after shiro died. leading voltron hadn't gone so well in the immediate aftermath, but he'd never really been able to get the team to get behind what keith felt were the top priorities in chasing lotor and the mystery quintessence. then when he'd found the clone, rather than cause waves within a splintering team, he'd chosen to leave and go fight with the blades because clearly everyone else wanted to play diplomat and expand the coalition with pr and fancy dinner parties.
of course, handling everything alone in the harsh environment of the quantum abyss would have been suicide. keith's learned that it's okay to rely on his mom and developed a working bond with his space wolf. the three of them had felt like a great team and to an extent even voltron had felt alright again when they fought together to fight lotor.
after that? keith thinks he was finding his footing. but then him and lance turned up here and his interpersonal relationships have all been messy again. whether that be from being too close to lance and bgetting burned, or keeping shiro a mental arm's length away just to avoid his best firend from having to know certain truths about the future -- it's all starting to feel like one wrong call after another. his expression fractures even further when shiro explicitly brings up the robots. before.
no, the fact of the matter is that keith's done a terrible job of navigating the fault lines dotting their relationship. he'd said and done a whole lot of things that can't be taken back with shiro, and he still doesn't know if he's ready to actually talk about it. he bites his lip, then looks down at his feet. ]
I just... I can't handle it, Shiro. Whenever I see those things I don't feel like I belong in my own body.
[ he laughs, managing just the tinitest bitter noise. ]
The experiment didn't even get that far, thanks to you. But I just -- I see them. And I can't sit still. I can't think. I need to get out of here. Place doesn't make me feel right.
[ keith looks down but shiro doesn’t look away, though it his chest panging something awful to see keith broken down and hiding. yes, he’s hiding. trying at least. he did that a lot in the beginning: staring out the classroom window, sitting apart from the simulator group, stealing his jeep, ducking his head down outside of disciplinary waiting to be sent away. what about that year out on his own too? point is, keith had – has? – a nasty habit of disconnecting or running away when the overwhelming and disappointing aspects of reality close in. looking back on it now, shiro’s surprised keith didn’t try to pull this stunt immediately following his punishment.
god dammit. shiro feels like a shitty friend. he should’ve checked in more often. should’ve really talked keith through what happened. through everything that happened. and at the job fair? the first time he saw one of those bots, he should’ve gone looking for keith, instead of fiddling time away in bullshit classes and walking a fucking catwalk. he just… tends to think of keith as resilient. the boy makes it through everything, no matter what, because he’s strong and smart and stubborn and exactly the kind of person shiro can depend on to be there when he needs him to be.
is shiro that person for keith though? where’s shiro when keith needs him? always a few minutes late of hitting the necessary cue.
frowning through his self-flagellation, shiro steps back into keith’s space and grips his other shoulder, holding him by both. ]
We’re gonna get out of here. [ he’s certain of that, at least. ] I’ll have access to restricted areas soon. I’ll find something we can use.
[ he ducks his head down, trying to catch keith’s attention and get him to look up. ]
You just have to hang in there a little longer, okay? Nothing’s gonna harm you like that again. I’ll always come get you, no matter what.
[ he did both times, right? late, he reminds himself. still, he did come. there’s some comfort in that, isn’t there? his tablet answers that for him. it’s not a chime. it’s that other sound, the one that signals something being checked off. he straightens up, expression turning puzzled as he shoulder checks the knapsack secured to his back, as if that’ll reveal an answer. the only thing it could be is…
ah, right. he knows. that doesn’t settle his thoughts though. now he’s thinking of sentence sheets and obvious ways to get out of here. there's a moment of hesitation and then a tentative: ]
But if it’s really too much… [ he looks back to keith and slowly releases his hold of him. ]
How much of your sentence do you have left?
Edited (i really hate it when i press post and THEN zero in on the typo) 2022-06-08 02:19 (UTC)
[ whatever comfort there had been to find in shiro's reassurances sublimates into the ether the second the tablets chime off in succession. keith balks visibly as he turns to look towards the cot where his tablet is screen down. he squirms out from under shiro's hands a beat later as an unsettling combination of mortification and confusion hit hard. there isn't anything on his sentence sheet that could possibly have earned him any credits just now, and the uncertainty makes him grab his tablet hurriedly to check.
a notification fills the screen readingL congratulations! you have receieved credits for completion of community service: hurt/comfort". keith's reaction isn't even remotely subtle. ]
Huh?
[ exclamation blurted and suddenly deeply unsure if he's gotten a new sentence added to his sheet for reasons unknown, he quickly sqipes to his rap sheet, cheeks still residually flushed red, but recovering fast with a slight frown. ]
I don't... who got hurt?
[ it's a little oblivious perhaps, but his confusion is painfully earnest. if he'd been thinking just a little straighter, franily keith would know showing shiro his sheet and what sentences have been crossed off is a terrible idea considering the earful that's bound to come when his best friend sees "anonymity" has been crossed off, but he turns the screen around for shiro's perusal with a shake of his head. ]
It's these.
[ alongside anonymity, fighting/wrestling, bondage, flexibility/contortionism, sexual exhaustion and rubbing/grinding have all been marked off. ]
[ shiro turns and watches keith frantically locate his tablet, brows rising. shiro already knows what notification he’s going to find, so it’s fascinating to watch, truth be told. the confusion to further confusion to befuddled acceptance…? shiro would laugh if the subject matter weren’t so sensitive. the unexpected bit of whiplash in terms of one serious discussion to an intermission of amusement has shiro slow in reaction, so when the tablet is abruptly turned toward him, he simply stares at it, uncomprehending. one beat, two beat, and onto three, he recovers. he’d been anticipating a numerical answer, not a free pass to look the sentence sheet over himself.
like hell he’s passing up the opportunity though.
walking across the cube over to keith by the bed, shiro doesn’t think twice before reaching out and taking the tablet from his hands. all else becomes background noise, his attention turning solely to the sheet, already trying to commit it to memory. a lot of these community service requirements look similar; oddly enough, they share a little more than one-third of them. prostitution bothers him, just like it does on his own, as well as exhibitionism, though he supposes that’s better than his similar, although worse dogging. anonymity catches his interest and he feels something akin of dread churn his chest and have him feeling sick, though he can’t place why. too much of a coincidence; there’s no possible way, especially because anonymous’ dick…
he wrinkles his nose and forces himself to read on, noting the other completed kinks… and more so, the ones that aren’t. keith has sexual exhaustion checked off? that in itself is – fine? good? keith’s checking off his list and, presumably, enjoying his time while doing it, so that can’t be anything other than good, right? should be, except he doesn’t have aftercare checked off. if someone rode him into the mattress, then shouldn’t there be a check off on the following care that should have happened?
that’s not even the worst of the uncompleted.
he stares at one in particular, mentally willing it to ping with a delayed notification. but of course nothing changes, other than shiro’s eyes straining and a headache forming from the way his thoughts are running circles. he glances up and he’s still wrinkled up on a frown, eyes imploring, yet sad. ]
You haven’t kissed anyone? Even though you’ve… done all this?
[ the instant keith allows shiro to take the tablet out of his hands is the same moment he finally thinks shit. it'd probably be some kind of faux pas to make a grab for it, huh? keith glances up at shiro's face, trying not to look particularly guilty, but paradoxically looks even guiltier for the attempt. what for? keith couldn't even say. after all, shiro allegedly isn't interested in policing.
or interested generally, but that's probably for the better considering the utter shambles his relationship with lance is in. in short, keith is braced for something, but guarded as he may be still hadn't anticipated on shiro zeroing in on the most harmless act on his sentencing like a laser. ]
I... [ keith flusters instantly. this conversation had started off with no illusions about how keith feels about life at prison, so there's little hope of credibility if he tried to maintain an aloof air about his sentencing, but that said having that speciifc sentence called out scrambles his thoughts. nothing about intimacy here has been normal, so not kissing hadn't seem that off, but the surprise on shiro's face makes keith feel a little like dissociating again for having to explain that nothing's wrong. ]
... yeah?
[ yeah. the winner of all arguments and ender of all debates dispensed, keith reaches for his tablet and gently tries to tug it out of shiro's grasp. ]
[ way to put shiro’s mind at ease, keith. not that he’s concerned. much. he said it the first day: he’s not here to police. as far as he’s concerned, keith can conduct himself any way he sees fit, as long as it doesn’t negatively affect the team or himself. see, it’s that last part that gives shiro too much wiggle room. this should be a done deal: let keith tug the tablet away and say as long as that works for you or looks like you’ve got a handle on things, good job. okay, maybe not the good job, that’s pushing it. the point is, he shouldn’t be getting involved.
… but he is involved. forget being leader, he’s keith’s best friend first and foremost and he cares about him. a lot, a lot. in short? this doesn’t sit right.
so, no, keith won’t be getting off the hook with his stellar rebuttal. in the next beat, shiro pivots slightly, the movement gently prying the tablet out of keith’s grip. he pulls it closer too, just to thwart any misguided attempt to snatch it from him. ]
And aftercare too.
[ he’s tunnel visioned. if he really thought about the community service kinks that are marked off, he’d maybe connect the dots that a lot of them can be attributed to the incident with the fuzzy handcuffs. but he sees anonymous and bondage and flexibility, and then simply assumes keith’s been finding other inmates. kind of like that blonde woman with the blue and pink, at the party awhile back. keith hooked up with her, right? shiro saw the two together on the dancefloor and then…
thinking of that may explain why he forgets himself in the moment and asks a very blunt: ]
Who are you hooking up with? Why aren’t they taking care of you afterwards?
[ chagrin colors his expression when shiro makes it clear that the tablet will not be handed back over without a game of tug-of-war. keith hesitates a beat, but meets that challenge by placing a palm on the screen and reaching to hook his fingers around the edge closest to shiro. he doesn't actually yank, but it's made clear enough that shiro's free reign over the tablet is over. balking over being asked such a sensitive question so blatantly from someone who was allegedly not going to be policing. ]
I -- [ he falterers with his words, clearly flustered, but doesn't look away. ] I don't need to be taken care of, Shiro. It's better this way. I'm not good with people so it's fine just like this.
[ keith trying for the tablet again is fine. shiro doesn’t actually need to look at it anymore. he has the big ones memorized and given enough time to think, he can dig out the others as well. why is it important he remember keith’s sentencing? he can’t even say. it’s not as though he’ll know if or when another part of his community service is checked off. because, heh, he’s not here to police, right?
he holds keith’s gaze and relaxes his hold on the tablet, silently disagreeing to every sentence that comes out of his mouth.
i don't need to be taken care of, shiro. not true. it's better this way. no, it isn’t. i'm not good with people so it's fine just like this. about that… ]
You’re good with people. [ just check out his harem. the frown won’t leave him, though his eyes soften. ] It’s people who aren’t good to you.
[ clearly, from this ridiculous list that doesn’t even have the givens checked off. but it’s always been true. the teachers from junior high to the garrison who dubbed him a disciplinary issue. the griffins of the world who rubbed salt into the wounds. even the lances who had it out for him for shallow reasons. so actually – shiro will amend his earlier thought. keith’s right, he doesn’t need to be taken care of, because he’s found ways to do that himself… but shiro wishes people would anyway. ]
[ the comment makes keith visibly miss a beat, expression softening as he stares. there's no other word than jarring to describe the moment. shiro is his best friend and for as long as keith can remember, he's always been his strongest advocate and a sturdy shoulder to lean on. of course shiro, of all people, would be the one person to look past his abrasive outer shell and still think it's other people who don't treat him right.
he doesn't mean to laugh, but it comes out as a bittersweet huff as he thinks back to his first day sitting in the black lion alone after shiro's death. i know you wanted this for me, but i can't lead them like you. ... heh.
it didn't matter much in the end. it's true, keith never got the hang of leading like shiro, but he could still lead in his own way. but it's clearly not working here, so the best he can muster up is some genuine appreciation that if nothing else, shiro still believes in him. he doesn't yank the tablet out ofhis best friend's hands, and instead offers hima an earnest but wan smile. ]
... You already got your credits for comfort, you know. Doubt they're gonna give you more credits if you make me cry.
[ heh, looks like keith’s learned something else from him: diversion tactics. shiro loses that hard pinch to his brow and smiles in kind, the look of it honest, yet brittle. shiro can’t fault keith for avoiding the subject and going for the joke instead. it’s what i would’ve done, he thinks with some vague sense of levity. he can let keith have this though, at least for the moment. so he allows himself to be swept up in the tease by forcing a stronger smile. ]
Oh. In that case…
[ his mouth is on a slant, one side pulling harder. he trails off and lets it hang but ultimately taps out quickly with a playful roll of his eyes. once his gaze resettles on keith, everything softens all over again: the smile, the look, the voice. he pulls the tablet closer, almost hugging it to himself, not because he wants it, but to coax keith closer. ]
You can, you know.
[ cry. if that’s what keith needs to do to process what he’s feeling. shiro won’t tell. he won’t judge him for it either, because shiro wants to stay out of that group of people who mistreat keith. ]
It’s part of the best friend privilege. [ see, not two seconds and he’s going for the joke too, just to lighten the mood. ] Free access to a sturdy shoulder to cry on when needed.
[ keith's own smile is fragile, but it never falters. even when shiro takes the joke a bit more seriously than keith would have preferred, it ultimately makes him laugh just a little. there's more humor to it this time, but not by much. there's nothing wrong with crying, of course. but all things considered, having spoken to some of the other inmates here who enjoy porn prison, it feels.... stupid to be riled up over what most intimacy.
and besides -- his anonymous partner touches him just the right amount and leaves an overabudndance of privacy for keith to weather his own vulnerability. it works. prison can be worked around, at least when there aren't an army of sex robots that flood him with bad memories wandering around. ]
That the only privilege I get as your best friend?
[ so maybe he's not quite ready to have a serious conversation, but he steps in closer as shiro pulls the tablet to his chest and looks up with a half smile. he raises one arm to wind around shiro's shoulders, but pauses when he's reminded that he still has his paladin armor on. ]
Oh. Guess I should take this off.
[ since you know... he's capitulated on the idea of going alone. as much as staying put still gives him pins and needles, shiro's plan is a better one. pride doesn't have a place when it comes to serious discussions about infiltration and escape. keith steps back and begins pulling apart the pieces of armor, loosening up the chest plate and the arm guards. he heaves a sigh as he works, voice a little quiet and uncertain when he speaks up. ]
Hey, Shiro? What was your first time having sex like? Was it with someone you liked?
ok im assuming w the armor helpfulness, tell me if this isn't what you had in mind
[ no, of course not. keith’s got a whole list of privileges he can take full advantage of at any given moment, but before shiro can do more than shake his head, keith’s stopping short of pulling himself in. ah, yes, the armor. shiro doesn’t mind, truth be told. he’ll deal with bulky armor hard pressed against him, that’s not an issue when it comes to snagging a hug or a lean from keith. though, keith stripping it off does confirm that the abandonment of that little rendezvous plan. so, on second thought? ]
Yeah, maybe. You’ll be more comfortable.
[ shiro will be too. he’s relaxing already, now that keith’s fiddling with the guards and loosening the chest plate. every one of them has done this routine so many times now; keith more so, considering he’s a good leap further in the timeline than shiro is. even so, it’s cumbersome to get all the pieces off. he wants to help but doesn’t take the initiative to simple add his hands to the mix. he’s mulling over asking but then the focus is turning to him instead and any thought of aiding keith in his strip down is derailed.
again, he’s reminded of how little they’ve spoken of the more intimate details of their lives. not that shiro was ever going to discuss his sex and romantic life with an underage cadet, who also happened to be his mentee, but it’s surprising, he thinks, that he hasn’t divulged much information now that they’re in a sex prison. he could’ve said something to keith. given him tips? encouragement? some camaraderie of assurance that shiro didn’t have it all together the first time or the first few times, really, either?
he wets his lips in thought, part of him as agitated as he always is any time he’s put on the spot to open up about something he didn’t choose to bring up. but keith’s fragile right now. recognizing that makes shiro’s resistance weak. ]
I liked him, but not like that. I mean, we didn’t date. [ in other words? a friend of some varying degree of importance. low, to be honest; he’d been a flight mate, but one he ultimately drifted away from after they graduated to junior officers and shiro’s career picked up.
he’s barely started and – well, forget about him asking, shiro moves without thinking. doing something with his hands makes talking easier, perhaps more so because his gaze is away from keith’s face. ]
It was during one of the Garrison’s hell weeks. You remember those? [ lots of exams, both written and practical. forget the exams themselves; just the stress of preparing for everything was sometimes enough to weed out the cadets. he helps loosen the upper portion of the arm guards and helps when needed when keith starts pulling his arms out of each. ]
Well, we decided to blow off some steam and…
[ he leaves the obvious unsaid and steps more centered in front of keith. the chest plate is loose and split down the line that starts underneath the armpit. it separates the plate not into two pieces but into a different form. collar wide, it just takes a lift over the head to get the armor piece off. it’s heavy and bulky, especially with the jetpack housing, so shiro helps him through the lift and ultimately keeps hold of the armor once keith is free.
turning away, he places the whole thing down at the foot of the bed. a huffed laugh later and shiro turns back around, only to seat himself down on the bed as well. keith can handle the belt and leg guards. ]
I remember being nervous. [ a smile. ] You may be shocked to hear this but I was, by no means, a natural. Neither was Craig for that matter. [ he looks down to his feet, tapping one out, voice gentling. ] But even with all the fumbling, it was – nice.
[ keith isn't sure at what point taking off the armor became a group activity, but he doesn't put up any kind of struggle when shiro starts helping to lift the chest piece up and over his head. if anything, it briefly reminds him of that first day they were shown their paladin armor and had to work out how to put the alien battle armor on. in retrospect, that room had been an utter mess, huh? with hunk wondering how the hell the armor would even fit his body, pidge skirting around hoping not to draw any attention to missing boy bits, lance throwing him random stink eyes.... it really did seem like shiro was the only one who really belonged there in the first place. keith smiles, again a little wan. three years ago now. time flies whnen you spend two of those years stuck traversing a nightmarish zone of space-tine fuckery.
in a weird way, it's kinda nice to talk about life before voltron and the war with the galra swallowed their lives whole. what even was having other priorities like? it's a little alarming that it takes keith a moment to even remember the grind of the garrison. he watches shiro drop the armor down and take a seat, expression distant as he thinks. ]
I don't remember an Officer Craig.
[ maybe that's not surprising. keith hadn't exactly remembered the name of the loudest, brattiest cadet of their class either. frown deepening fractionally, keith presses the belt release and walks to the foot of the cot to set it down next to the chest piece. ]
What about it was nice?
Edited 2022-06-10 00:20 (UTC)
i'm sorry i didn't assume shiro helping keith strip completely
[ no surprise there. craig hadn’t run any classes or had much of any hands on with the cadets. actually, by the time keith showed up on the garrison grounds – ]
He transferred divisions. He wasn’t stationed at Galaxy Garrison.
[ unimportant detail in the grand scheme of things. truthfully, shiro hasn’t thought much at all of craig in the past seven, eight years now? nine? god, has it really been that long? dismissing the question without a solid answer, shiro watches keith place down the belt and then lifts one shoulder, his smile just as lopsided as that shrug. ]
Finding out that I could make someone feel really good? [ a beat, one that’s spent turning his face forward. ] Finding out that I could feel really good too.
[ despite not having it all together. despite being impatient and hasty. despite having a certain wristband monitor on his right. it was nice because it had been impulsive and freeing, like he’d been defying all the built up expectations he, as well as others, had placed on him. the perfect cadet. the sick patient. no, no titles. he’d only been shiro when he’d stripped down with craig. ]
[ keith's expression turns pensive as he takes a seat at the end of the cot and starts to loosen up his leg guards. on some level, it's a slight relief to hear that shiro hadn't exactly been in a relationship or even in love with the person he experienced his firsts with and can speak of it fondly. but even in knowing sex doesn't really hold any special meaning beyond what's socially ascribed to it, keith still has to wonder if being able to talk about it fondly is something he'll ever be able to with regards to his own firsts. even a two second exploration of the question leaves him metaphorically backing away, grimacing. ]
Guessing Craig didn't just avoid you for a week afterwards, huh?
[ the question slips out of him. keith blinks, then tries to walk it back with an unconving laugh. ]
Kidding. [ keith chews nervously at his lower lip as he pulls off the armor on his left leg off, followed by the right. ]
But I guess it's ... something. I don't know. I guess... I'm just not that interested if it's just about feeling good with someone? Which should make sex more appealing here because it's about going home, but ...I just feel dirty.
i just now realized shiro was last holding the tablet and i forgot about it
[ is he talking about him? maybe, maybe not? probably not. conversation had been mildly strained between them since keith’s punishment and sure, they hadn’t done the obvious thing of meeting up prior to the job fair and going together, but the entire unit of voltron hasn’t been operating like a team anyway. everyone seems to be doing their own things, which, honestly, is what shiro initially set them up to do: handle your own sentence sheets and check in periodically, while simultaneously gathering information about this place that can potentially be used for an early send home. lance has been delivering, keith too, at least in effort. shiro…? he may have spent too much time focused on the inmate population than finding actual cracks in the prison’s security.
or maybe that hadn’t been a poorly delivered slight against him. he just learned from lance that these two, in lance’s words, don’t really talk to each other anymore. more breaking news at 11, right. it does make him think of the network and lance’s punishment and keith’s guilt of not more than five minutes ago. did those two actually do something salacious, as keith had said, in what shiro initially took to be a joke.
… he really doesn’t want to get involved. he has his own mess to figure out with keith. namely, less about the actual tussle they had in shiro’s bed and more about shiro’s lingering thoughts on it. he thinks about it a tad more than he should, especially when he’s lying in his cot, reminding himself that keith came in that exact spot.
he glances to the tablet he totally placed on the cot because no, it didn’t mysteriously disappear from one tag to the next, though there’s nothing to see with the screen gone to sleep. how many people has keith been with now, he wonders. how many did he actually want to be with? ]
It would feel like that, huh? Especially when aphro is involved and it makes the decision for you.
[ like with him? shiro can’t be sure how much had actually been keith and how much had been the aphro talking. they only did the bare minimum clean up on the issue once keith’s system had cleared through and they’ve been playing this game of pretend it didn’t happen since, so… did shiro make keith feel dirty? ]
I’m sorry, Keith. [ he sighs, frowning to his lap. ] There isn’t much remedy for that when it isn’t about choice. [ a pause of hesitation. he shouldn’t bring it up if he made keith feel dirty… but what if it’s everyone else who is making him feel that way? maybe, maybe he can…? ] But I – … I can help. If you still wanted what you asked me to do before.
[ sorry isn't what keith was expecting to hear. if anyone owes the apology, surely it's keith for having violated the boundaries shiro had set. true, he may not have been in his right mind at the time, but that doesn't make it right that shiro had to put up with any of what he did or said that day. unconsciously, keith looks in shiro's direction, eyes wide but guarded with uncertainty ... only to flinch away from what follows. ]
Oh.....
[ Oh. like that's an adequate way to address the way his insides have suddenly gone hollow. as much as keith could have played up ambiguity, and acted like all of what happened that day in shiro's cube is lost to aphrodisiac haze, the one syllable instantly betrays that keith knowsexactly what shiro is referencing.
his turn to look down at his lap. hands gripping his knees tight, keith tries not to feel any particular thing. it's fucking impossible from the outset. so much of what had prompted him to bend over and press his ass to the door for anon had to do with no longer wanting to hold onto past desires, moving on from unreasonable expectations and of course, finally ending that selfish streak that was likely needling at shiro's guilty conscience. shiro doesn't have to take care of him in any capacity and that's something keith means sincerely.
his expression fractures, forwning as he chews his lower lip. all of that put into perspective, he doesn't regret what he did with anonymous that day. but it's in knowing that shiro did mull that over in the days afterwards that keith can't shake the surge of guilt bubbling in his stomach. ]
.... Shiro, I should have never said that. You weren't comfortable with me and I didn't mean to make you feel obligated to ... do something like that for me. I was wrong and selfish.
[ this isn’t the way he wanted it to go. not that he had much of a plan beyond this; this being a half-formed, somewhat ambiguous offer. what is he offering? to take keith through his first time that way so he feels more comfortable being vulnerable with someone? or is he implying he can take care of some of those sentence requirements? shiro isn’t entirely sure what position he’s placed himself in. the only thing he knows is that keith feels dirty and is struggling and, well, shiro wants to help. needs to, even. there’s little chance of shiro being able to focus on much else if he’s too busy worrying over keith’s state of mind.
seems like he’s only succeeded in making keith more uneasy though. nice one, shirogane.
shiro frowns unhappily, still staring at his lap as keith finishes up. wrong and selfish rubs him uncomfortably, and immediately, he shakes his head, lifting his gaze to look to keith at the end of the cot. ]
You were hopped up on aphro. [ he’s adamant about that. whatever that machine used on keith, it was far stronger than what shiro got hit with in the library. and shiro, with his baby two sprays ended up doing a lot worse than the erotic displays keith put on in the privacy of shiro’s cube. ]
Like I said before, I don’t hold anything you said or did against you. I only wanted to take care of you, not take advantage of you.
[ which he still thinks he did. at the very least, he’d been too weak to prevent keith from taking what he needed. the more egregious sin here, however, is that shiro keeps thinking back to keith’s presented ass and the feel of him squirming and mewling underneath him. he tells himself the offer is made purely with keith’s benefit in mind, but maybe it’s not. maybe it’s for shiro too. ]
[ keith swallows, wrinkling and then smoothing out his yoga pants with the clench and release of his fingers. is it cowardice that his eyes are still focused on his lap? probably. but he doesn't find it in him to adjust his gaze and smile over towards his best friend. ]
I know you don't hold it against me. I guess ... I just feel like I wronged you anyway. Not just because of what I did, but ... in saying things that'd trip you up on guilt? I mean, I meant what I said, but I shouldn't have said it. I know you had your preferred way of handling all this and... [ he winces, thinking briefly of the network post that shiro had responded to. ] ... wel, it clearly didn't involve me. You just want to do the sentences with strangers, right?
[ not waiting for an answer, keith lifts his head and partly looks over his shoulder towards shiro. ]
So... you should keep doing that if that's what makes you most comfortable. [ a beat, followed by a deeper sigh. ] I can take care of myself. I thought about it and just.. went for it, you know? Found a guy who agreed to my terms for it and everything.
[ he nods silently, not even registering that keith isn’t looking at him until a beat or two afterwards. right, his initial plan had been picking strangers and vetting them for basic human decency, before going through with the community service. the plan is straightforward and, for the most part, easy. once the act is done, he can walk away from the interaction without ever having to revisit it outside of a few unpleasant memories. the paladins are a different story. while the more obvious choice due to established trust and familiarity, they actually matter to shiro, which is precisely why he wants them to keep them at arm’s length. he doesn’t want anything muddling up the relationship he has with each of them, not when the ability to form voltron hinges on the connection they have.
so much for that, huh? he shouldn’t be surprised that his plan has fallen apart a few, short weeks into his sentence. this was never going to be easy. not for him and especially not for the team; not everyone operates under the idea that the ends justify the means. kill anyone and anything put opposite him in the arena in order to survive? done. whore himself out in order to gain his freedom? sure. his stomach roils sickly, his expression darkening. he never stopped to think of it in those terms and now that he has, he thinks this must be how keith feels: dirty.
he’ll deal though. he’ll power through as he always does with a combination of disregard for himself and an intense fixation on the goal. so it’s fine. it’s okay. he’s not the one he’s worried about here. it’s keith and the team’s ability to come out of this as close to unscathed as they are realistically able to. so –
found a guy.
he’s already looking in keith’s direction but he seems to come to, the slight distance in his gaze clearing. it takes another moment for the facts to slot into place. ]
Wait, I thought…
[ he’d been so assured that the biggest obstacle to overcome here, would be making the offer itself. he didn’t think the problem would be that keith no longer needed him. that he’d found someone else. he pauses on the thought, repeating it back to himself and inwardly cringing. is that a problem? why does he consider that a problem? isn’t this a good thing? should be. it aligns with his original plan. then why does he sound so disappointed? ]
[ shiro's disappointment can be a subtle thing when he wants it to be. this isn't one of those instances. subconsciously keith stops breathing as shiro's tone and demeanor shifts with comprehension from surprise to downcast.
an extended beat and keith finally breathes again, but finds the burn in his chest doesn't ebb with the flow of air. why would shiro be disappionted if he no longer has to go through with something he obviously found objectionable? or if not objectionable, at least not his preference? and if shiro is disappointed, then why does that echo and hurt?
trust. you said you only trusted me. ]
Oh....
[ the word's quiet, his expression coloring over with guilt he can't explain because -- ]
You are...? [ heat blooms across keith's cheeks, knowing that it has to sound like the worst lie he's ever told and yet, he only repeats it even more fervently as he turns to face shiro. [ You are., okay? Look. I realize that sounds fake, but I mean it. I ... [ the flush deepens , spreading to the tips of his ears as keith glances down at the cot. ] .. I needed a lot of stipulations in place in order to be okay with it.
[ a beat, then he steals the tiniest glance up at shiro. ]
[ keith’s right. that does sound fake, like a pity consolation pat on the back of, no really, you’re great. there’s a very loud but not being said here. shiro hears it anyway. but shiro took too long. who knew a handful of days would be taking too long when keith’s been here for almost two months, navigating aphrodisiacs and wacky obstacles. and who knew, finding someone equally trustworthy to shiro, who’s spent years fostering a relationship with keith, would come so easily. he’s being unfair, he knows in his gut he’s making a mountain out of a molehill, but he’s a little sore, okay? he’s supposed to mean something to keith, just like shiro holds keith in a completely different regard than anyone else. he’s supposed to be special. but he’s just as replaceable, huh? all it takes are a few stipulations and anyone can stand in for shiro, huh?
what does that even mean? he twists his lips on an unhappy grimace and stares down at his lap, feeling keith’s eyes on him but refusing to look up. he didn’t want to do anything with his friends, remember? he tries to console himself with the reminder. it works and it doesn’t; it eases the frown off his face but it doesn’t soften that uneasiness in his chest or the tightness that has his sternum feeling weighted, everything seemingly collapsing in on each breath.
his response is a few seconds late; he spends that time being sure his voice is mild-tempered and smooth. still, he doesn’t look up. ]
Whatever you needed to do, I’m glad it worked out for you.
[ it is true, to an extent. he only wants the best for keith. if this is how he wanted to go about sharing his body, then so be it. keith doesn’t owe shiro a damn thing. emotions are, unfortunately, complicated, hypocritical things though. weirdly enough, it makes him think of black and how blindsided he’d been when after having settled into the belief that black chose him to lead voltron, he’d been spit out like trash once zarkon showed up. god, is he seriously comparing the struggle over black to keith not truly trusting him with his virginity? pathetic.
well, if he’s certain of anything, it’s that he’s more invested in this than he was ever meant to be. so perhaps it’s best if he sticks with the original plan, especially since it doesn’t seem to matter much to keith anymore. ]
Maybe he can help you with the rest of your community service.
[ keith falters, already uncertain expression fracturing further with the burgeoning sense of rejection. ... why? he couldn't fucking say. it's not like shiro had ever put helping with his sentences on the table of options before, so having it confirmed that it continues to not be an option isn't a rejection, merely a repetition of known facts. still, that doesn't stop keith from thinking any better when he opens his mouth to speak. ]
What? No.
[ the refusal comes out more empathic that keith meant, but save for a slight dial down in volume keith doesn't take back the sentiment as a whole. he won't lie -- anon had put him at ease for a lot of things, but that was because making it stop was always as simple as a step away. no grabbing hands, no holding him in place to take it, no judging eyes to drink in keith's vulnerability. he shudders visibly. ]
I don't want that, Shiro.
[ but does that mean he wants that with shiro? wasn't he just chastising himself for being selfish and unfairly enrcoraching on shiro's boundaries by wrongfully appealing to his best friend's guilty conscience? keith shuts his mouth, then looks away. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I do though.
[ his voice is shaky, quiet and trails off whisper soft before keith has to clear his throat and star over. ]
I can never put anyone else through the warden's horrible punishment, okay? If I just kept my mouth shut and went to the lighthouse alone, then at least Lance would've never been forced to make a naked public apology and freak out about a guy coming to use him. I -- [ voice wavering, keith bites the inside of his lip and drags in a deep breath through his nose. ]
We're a team. I know that. But I could never live with myself if anything I suggested put you in a compromising position like that. Never.
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he doesn’t interrupt; he lets keith say his piece. some trawling through the network archives has shiro caught up on the whole lighthouse debacle. some days, he thinks he should talk to lance about it, but has never actually gotten beyond a general how are you holding up. probably for the best. reopening wounds of the past doesn’t always lead to better healing, shiro knows that well enough. he'll figure that out later. see, lance isn’t the priority here – true as it is, he feels guilty thinking it – keith is. and it’s funny, almost, how they’re of similar mind, yet so completely opposite at the same time. ]
I can’t take you getting punished again either.
[ in any capacity, whether it’s shiro’s fault, keith’s fault, whoever’s fault. still standing close, he places a hand on his shoulder. well, his shoulder guard. it feels weird under his palm, like he’s barred from actually offering keith his specific brand of comfort. still, his hand stays and he frowns. ]
It was hard seeing you when those things went rogue. [ it’s reluctant at first, like saying the words breathes life back into the terror felt when communal went to hell. they start coming faster after the first few though. ] It was like before. I dunno how much you even remember, you were shaking and out of it and…
[ and then they cut off completely. he sighs and shakes his head, dismissing wherever he’d been going with that. the point he’s trying to make, is: ]
I don’t like you hurting, Keith. [ a beat, voice strengthening with certainty. ] And you will, a lot, if you try to shoulder everything. I have your back, always. You just gotta talk me through the things you’ve got going on, so we can do what's best for everyone.
[ kind of rich coming from him, huh? ]
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of course, handling everything alone in the harsh environment of the quantum abyss would have been suicide. keith's learned that it's okay to rely on his mom and developed a working bond with his space wolf. the three of them had felt like a great team and to an extent even voltron had felt alright again when they fought together to fight lotor.
after that? keith thinks he was finding his footing. but then him and lance turned up here and his interpersonal relationships have all been messy again. whether that be from being too close to lance and bgetting burned, or keeping shiro a mental arm's length away just to avoid his best firend from having to know certain truths about the future -- it's all starting to feel like one wrong call after another. his expression fractures even further when shiro explicitly brings up the robots. before.
no, the fact of the matter is that keith's done a terrible job of navigating the fault lines dotting their relationship. he'd said and done a whole lot of things that can't be taken back with shiro, and he still doesn't know if he's ready to actually talk about it. he bites his lip, then looks down at his feet. ]
I just... I can't handle it, Shiro. Whenever I see those things I don't feel like I belong in my own body.
[ he laughs, managing just the tinitest bitter noise. ]
The experiment didn't even get that far, thanks to you. But I just -- I see them. And I can't sit still. I can't think. I need to get out of here. Place doesn't make me feel right.
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god dammit. shiro feels like a shitty friend. he should’ve checked in more often. should’ve really talked keith through what happened. through everything that happened. and at the job fair? the first time he saw one of those bots, he should’ve gone looking for keith, instead of fiddling time away in bullshit classes and walking a fucking catwalk. he just… tends to think of keith as resilient. the boy makes it through everything, no matter what, because he’s strong and smart and stubborn and exactly the kind of person shiro can depend on to be there when he needs him to be.
is shiro that person for keith though? where’s shiro when keith needs him? always a few minutes late of hitting the necessary cue.
frowning through his self-flagellation, shiro steps back into keith’s space and grips his other shoulder, holding him by both. ]
We’re gonna get out of here. [ he’s certain of that, at least. ] I’ll have access to restricted areas soon. I’ll find something we can use.
[ he ducks his head down, trying to catch keith’s attention and get him to look up. ]
You just have to hang in there a little longer, okay? Nothing’s gonna harm you like that again. I’ll always come get you, no matter what.
[ he did both times, right? late, he reminds himself. still, he did come. there’s some comfort in that, isn’t there? his tablet answers that for him. it’s not a chime. it’s that other sound, the one that signals something being checked off. he straightens up, expression turning puzzled as he shoulder checks the knapsack secured to his back, as if that’ll reveal an answer. the only thing it could be is…
ah, right. he knows. that doesn’t settle his thoughts though. now he’s thinking of sentence sheets and obvious ways to get out of here. there's a moment of hesitation and then a tentative: ]
But if it’s really too much… [ he looks back to keith and slowly releases his hold of him. ]
How much of your sentence do you have left?
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a notification fills the screen readingL congratulations! you have receieved credits for completion of community service: hurt/comfort". keith's reaction isn't even remotely subtle. ]
Huh?
[ exclamation blurted and suddenly deeply unsure if he's gotten a new sentence added to his sheet for reasons unknown, he quickly sqipes to his rap sheet, cheeks still residually flushed red, but recovering fast with a slight frown. ]
I don't... who got hurt?
[ it's a little oblivious perhaps, but his confusion is painfully earnest. if he'd been thinking just a little straighter, franily keith would know showing shiro his sheet and what sentences have been crossed off is a terrible idea considering the earful that's bound to come when his best friend sees "anonymity" has been crossed off, but he turns the screen around for shiro's perusal with a shake of his head. ]
It's these.
[ alongside anonymity, fighting/wrestling, bondage, flexibility/contortionism, sexual exhaustion and rubbing/grinding have all been marked off. ]
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like hell he’s passing up the opportunity though.
walking across the cube over to keith by the bed, shiro doesn’t think twice before reaching out and taking the tablet from his hands. all else becomes background noise, his attention turning solely to the sheet, already trying to commit it to memory. a lot of these community service requirements look similar; oddly enough, they share a little more than one-third of them. prostitution bothers him, just like it does on his own, as well as exhibitionism, though he supposes that’s better than his similar, although worse dogging. anonymity catches his interest and he feels something akin of dread churn his chest and have him feeling sick, though he can’t place why. too much of a coincidence; there’s no possible way, especially because anonymous’ dick…
he wrinkles his nose and forces himself to read on, noting the other completed kinks… and more so, the ones that aren’t. keith has sexual exhaustion checked off? that in itself is – fine? good? keith’s checking off his list and, presumably, enjoying his time while doing it, so that can’t be anything other than good, right? should be, except he doesn’t have aftercare checked off. if someone rode him into the mattress, then shouldn’t there be a check off on the following care that should have happened?
that’s not even the worst of the uncompleted.
he stares at one in particular, mentally willing it to ping with a delayed notification. but of course nothing changes, other than shiro’s eyes straining and a headache forming from the way his thoughts are running circles. he glances up and he’s still wrinkled up on a frown, eyes imploring, yet sad. ]
You haven’t kissed anyone? Even though you’ve… done all this?
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or interested generally, but that's probably for the better considering the utter shambles his relationship with lance is in. in short, keith is braced for something, but guarded as he may be still hadn't anticipated on shiro zeroing in on the most harmless act on his sentencing like a laser. ]
I... [ keith flusters instantly. this conversation had started off with no illusions about how keith feels about life at prison, so there's little hope of credibility if he tried to maintain an aloof air about his sentencing, but that said having that speciifc sentence called out scrambles his thoughts. nothing about intimacy here has been normal, so not kissing hadn't seem that off, but the surprise on shiro's face makes keith feel a little like dissociating again for having to explain that nothing's wrong. ]
... yeah?
[ yeah. the winner of all arguments and ender of all debates dispensed, keith reaches for his tablet and gently tries to tug it out of shiro's grasp. ]
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… but he is involved. forget being leader, he’s keith’s best friend first and foremost and he cares about him. a lot, a lot. in short? this doesn’t sit right.
so, no, keith won’t be getting off the hook with his stellar rebuttal. in the next beat, shiro pivots slightly, the movement gently prying the tablet out of keith’s grip. he pulls it closer too, just to thwart any misguided attempt to snatch it from him. ]
And aftercare too.
[ he’s tunnel visioned. if he really thought about the community service kinks that are marked off, he’d maybe connect the dots that a lot of them can be attributed to the incident with the fuzzy handcuffs. but he sees anonymous and bondage and flexibility, and then simply assumes keith’s been finding other inmates. kind of like that blonde woman with the blue and pink, at the party awhile back. keith hooked up with her, right? shiro saw the two together on the dancefloor and then…
thinking of that may explain why he forgets himself in the moment and asks a very blunt: ]
Who are you hooking up with? Why aren’t they taking care of you afterwards?
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I -- [ he falterers with his words, clearly flustered, but doesn't look away. ] I don't need to be taken care of, Shiro. It's better this way. I'm not good with people so it's fine just like this.
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he holds keith’s gaze and relaxes his hold on the tablet, silently disagreeing to every sentence that comes out of his mouth.
i don't need to be taken care of, shiro. not true.
it's better this way. no, it isn’t.
i'm not good with people so it's fine just like this. about that… ]
You’re good with people. [
just check out his harem. the frown won’t leave him, though his eyes soften. ] It’s people who aren’t good to you.[ clearly, from this ridiculous list that doesn’t even have the givens checked off. but it’s always been true. the teachers from junior high to the garrison who dubbed him a disciplinary issue. the griffins of the world who rubbed salt into the wounds. even the lances who had it out for him for shallow reasons. so actually – shiro will amend his earlier thought. keith’s right, he doesn’t need to be taken care of, because he’s found ways to do that himself… but shiro wishes people would anyway. ]
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he doesn't mean to laugh, but it comes out as a bittersweet huff as he thinks back to his first day sitting in the black lion alone after shiro's death. i know you wanted this for me, but i can't lead them like you. ... heh.
it didn't matter much in the end. it's true, keith never got the hang of leading like shiro, but he could still lead in his own way. but it's clearly not working here, so the best he can muster up is some genuine appreciation that if nothing else, shiro still believes in him. he doesn't yank the tablet out ofhis best friend's hands, and instead offers hima an earnest but wan smile. ]
... You already got your credits for comfort, you know. Doubt they're gonna give you more credits if you make me cry.
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Oh. In that case…
[ his mouth is on a slant, one side pulling harder. he trails off and lets it hang but ultimately taps out quickly with a playful roll of his eyes. once his gaze resettles on keith, everything softens all over again: the smile, the look, the voice. he pulls the tablet closer, almost hugging it to himself, not because he wants it, but to coax keith closer. ]
You can, you know.
[ cry. if that’s what keith needs to do to process what he’s feeling. shiro won’t tell. he won’t judge him for it either, because shiro wants to stay out of that group of people who mistreat keith. ]
It’s part of the best friend privilege. [ see, not two seconds and he’s going for the joke too, just to lighten the mood. ] Free access to a sturdy shoulder to cry on when needed.
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and besides -- his anonymous partner touches him just the right amount and leaves an overabudndance of privacy for keith to weather his own vulnerability. it works. prison can be worked around, at least when there aren't an army of sex robots that flood him with bad memories wandering around. ]
That the only privilege I get as your best friend?
[ so maybe he's not quite ready to have a serious conversation, but he steps in closer as shiro pulls the tablet to his chest and looks up with a half smile. he raises one arm to wind around shiro's shoulders, but pauses when he's reminded that he still has his paladin armor on. ]
Oh. Guess I should take this off.
[ since you know... he's capitulated on the idea of going alone. as much as staying put still gives him pins and needles, shiro's plan is a better one. pride doesn't have a place when it comes to serious discussions about infiltration and escape. keith steps back and begins pulling apart the pieces of armor, loosening up the chest plate and the arm guards. he heaves a sigh as he works, voice a little quiet and uncertain when he speaks up. ]
Hey, Shiro? What was your first time having sex like? Was it with someone you liked?
ok im assuming w the armor helpfulness, tell me if this isn't what you had in mind
Yeah, maybe. You’ll be more comfortable.
[ shiro will be too. he’s relaxing already, now that keith’s fiddling with the guards and loosening the chest plate. every one of them has done this routine so many times now; keith more so, considering he’s a good leap further in the timeline than shiro is. even so, it’s cumbersome to get all the pieces off. he wants to help but doesn’t take the initiative to simple add his hands to the mix. he’s mulling over asking but then the focus is turning to him instead and any thought of aiding keith in his strip down is derailed.
again, he’s reminded of how little they’ve spoken of the more intimate details of their lives. not that shiro was ever going to discuss his sex and romantic life with an underage cadet, who also happened to be his mentee, but it’s surprising, he thinks, that he hasn’t divulged much information now that they’re in a sex prison. he could’ve said something to keith. given him tips? encouragement? some camaraderie of assurance that shiro didn’t have it all together the first time or the first few times, really, either?
he wets his lips in thought, part of him as agitated as he always is any time he’s put on the spot to open up about something he didn’t choose to bring up. but keith’s fragile right now. recognizing that makes shiro’s resistance weak. ]
I liked him, but not like that. I mean, we didn’t date. [ in other words? a friend of some varying degree of importance. low, to be honest; he’d been a flight mate, but one he ultimately drifted away from after they graduated to junior officers and shiro’s career picked up.
he’s barely started and – well, forget about him asking, shiro moves without thinking. doing something with his hands makes talking easier, perhaps more so because his gaze is away from keith’s face. ]
It was during one of the Garrison’s hell weeks. You remember those? [ lots of exams, both written and practical. forget the exams themselves; just the stress of preparing for everything was sometimes enough to weed out the cadets. he helps loosen the upper portion of the arm guards and helps when needed when keith starts pulling his arms out of each. ]
Well, we decided to blow off some steam and…
[ he leaves the obvious unsaid and steps more centered in front of keith. the chest plate is loose and split down the line that starts underneath the armpit. it separates the plate not into two pieces but into a different form. collar wide, it just takes a lift over the head to get the armor piece off. it’s heavy and bulky, especially with the jetpack housing, so shiro helps him through the lift and ultimately keeps hold of the armor once keith is free.
turning away, he places the whole thing down at the foot of the bed. a huffed laugh later and shiro turns back around, only to seat himself down on the bed as well. keith can handle the belt and leg guards. ]
I remember being nervous. [ a smile. ] You may be shocked to hear this but I was, by no means, a natural. Neither was Craig for that matter. [ he looks down to his feet, tapping one out, voice gentling. ] But even with all the fumbling, it was – nice.
how dare you assume
in a weird way, it's kinda nice to talk about life before voltron and the war with the galra swallowed their lives whole. what even was having other priorities like? it's a little alarming that it takes keith a moment to even remember the grind of the garrison. he watches shiro drop the armor down and take a seat, expression distant as he thinks. ]
I don't remember an Officer Craig.
[ maybe that's not surprising. keith hadn't exactly remembered the name of the loudest, brattiest cadet of their class either. frown deepening fractionally, keith presses the belt release and walks to the foot of the cot to set it down next to the chest piece. ]
What about it was nice?
i'm sorry i didn't assume shiro helping keith strip completely
He transferred divisions. He wasn’t stationed at Galaxy Garrison.
[ unimportant detail in the grand scheme of things. truthfully, shiro hasn’t thought much at all of craig in the past seven, eight years now? nine? god, has it really been that long? dismissing the question without a solid answer, shiro watches keith place down the belt and then lifts one shoulder, his smile just as lopsided as that shrug. ]
Finding out that I could make someone feel really good? [ a beat, one that’s spent turning his face forward. ] Finding out that I could feel really good too.
[ despite not having it all together. despite being impatient and hasty. despite having a certain wristband monitor on his right. it was nice because it had been impulsive and freeing, like he’d been defying all the built up expectations he, as well as others, had placed on him. the perfect cadet. the sick patient. no, no titles. he’d only been shiro when he’d stripped down with craig. ]
o-oh. suddenly so bold....!
Guessing Craig didn't just avoid you for a week afterwards, huh?
[ the question slips out of him. keith blinks, then tries to walk it back with an unconving laugh. ]
Kidding. [ keith chews nervously at his lower lip as he pulls off the armor on his left leg off, followed by the right. ]
But I guess it's ... something. I don't know. I guess... I'm just not that interested if it's just about feeling good with someone? Which should make sex more appealing here because it's about going home, but ...I just feel dirty.
i just now realized shiro was last holding the tablet and i forgot about it
or maybe that hadn’t been a poorly delivered slight against him. he just learned from lance that these two, in lance’s words, don’t really talk to each other anymore. more breaking news at 11, right. it does make him think of the network and lance’s punishment and keith’s guilt of not more than five minutes ago. did those two actually do something salacious, as keith had said, in what shiro initially took to be a joke.
… he really doesn’t want to get involved. he has his own mess to figure out with keith. namely, less about the actual tussle they had in shiro’s bed and more about shiro’s lingering thoughts on it. he thinks about it a tad more than he should, especially when he’s lying in his cot, reminding himself that keith came in that exact spot.
he glances to the tablet
he totally placed on the cot because no, it didn’t mysteriously disappear from one tag to the next, though there’s nothing to see with the screen gone to sleep. how many people has keith been with now, he wonders. how many did he actually want to be with? ]It would feel like that, huh? Especially when aphro is involved and it makes the decision for you.
[ like with him? shiro can’t be sure how much had actually been keith and how much had been the aphro talking. they only did the bare minimum clean up on the issue once keith’s system had cleared through and they’ve been playing this game of pretend it didn’t happen since, so… did shiro make keith feel dirty? ]
I’m sorry, Keith. [ he sighs, frowning to his lap. ] There isn’t much remedy for that when it isn’t about choice. [ a pause of hesitation. he shouldn’t bring it up if he made keith feel dirty… but what if it’s everyone else who is making him feel that way? maybe, maybe he can…? ] But I – … I can help. If you still wanted what you asked me to do before.
haha i assumed he put the tablet down
Oh.....
[ Oh. like that's an adequate way to address the way his insides have suddenly gone hollow. as much as keith could have played up ambiguity, and acted like all of what happened that day in shiro's cube is lost to aphrodisiac haze, the one syllable instantly betrays that keith knowsexactly what shiro is referencing.
his turn to look down at his lap. hands gripping his knees tight, keith tries not to feel any particular thing. it's fucking impossible from the outset. so much of what had prompted him to bend over and press his ass to the door for anon had to do with no longer wanting to hold onto past desires, moving on from unreasonable expectations and of course, finally ending that selfish streak that was likely needling at shiro's guilty conscience. shiro doesn't have to take care of him in any capacity and that's something keith means sincerely.
his expression fractures, forwning as he chews his lower lip. all of that put into perspective, he doesn't regret what he did with anonymous that day. but it's in knowing that shiro did mull that over in the days afterwards that keith can't shake the surge of guilt bubbling in his stomach. ]
.... Shiro, I should have never said that. You weren't comfortable with me and I didn't mean to make you feel obligated to ... do something like that for me. I was wrong and selfish.
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seems like he’s only succeeded in making keith more uneasy though. nice one, shirogane.
shiro frowns unhappily, still staring at his lap as keith finishes up. wrong and selfish rubs him uncomfortably, and immediately, he shakes his head, lifting his gaze to look to keith at the end of the cot. ]
You were hopped up on aphro. [ he’s adamant about that. whatever that machine used on keith, it was far stronger than what shiro got hit with in the library. and shiro, with his baby two sprays ended up doing a lot worse than the erotic displays keith put on in the privacy of shiro’s cube. ]
Like I said before, I don’t hold anything you said or did against you. I only wanted to take care of you, not take advantage of you.
[ which he still thinks he did. at the very least, he’d been too weak to prevent keith from taking what he needed. the more egregious sin here, however, is that shiro keeps thinking back to keith’s presented ass and the feel of him squirming and mewling underneath him. he tells himself the offer is made purely with keith’s benefit in mind, but maybe it’s not. maybe it’s for shiro too. ]
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I know you don't hold it against me. I guess ... I just feel like I wronged you anyway. Not just because of what I did, but ... in saying things that'd trip you up on guilt? I mean, I meant what I said, but I shouldn't have said it. I know you had your preferred way of handling all this and... [ he winces, thinking briefly of the network post that shiro had responded to. ] ... wel, it clearly didn't involve me. You just want to do the sentences with strangers, right?
[ not waiting for an answer, keith lifts his head and partly looks over his shoulder towards shiro. ]
So... you should keep doing that if that's what makes you most comfortable. [ a beat, followed by a deeper sigh. ] I can take care of myself. I thought about it and just.. went for it, you know? Found a guy who agreed to my terms for it and everything.
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so much for that, huh? he shouldn’t be surprised that his plan has fallen apart a few, short weeks into his sentence. this was never going to be easy. not for him and especially not for the team; not everyone operates under the idea that the ends justify the means. kill anyone and anything put opposite him in the arena in order to survive? done. whore himself out in order to gain his freedom? sure. his stomach roils sickly, his expression darkening. he never stopped to think of it in those terms and now that he has, he thinks this must be how keith feels: dirty.
he’ll deal though. he’ll power through as he always does with a combination of disregard for himself and an intense fixation on the goal. so it’s fine. it’s okay. he’s not the one he’s worried about here. it’s keith and the team’s ability to come out of this as close to unscathed as they are realistically able to. so –
found a guy.
he’s already looking in keith’s direction but he seems to come to, the slight distance in his gaze clearing. it takes another moment for the facts to slot into place. ]
Wait, I thought…
[ he’d been so assured that the biggest obstacle to overcome here, would be making the offer itself. he didn’t think the problem would be that keith no longer needed him. that he’d found someone else. he pauses on the thought, repeating it back to himself and inwardly cringing. is that a problem? why does he consider that a problem? isn’t this a good thing? should be. it aligns with his original plan. then why does he sound so disappointed? ]
You said you only trusted me.
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an extended beat and keith finally breathes again, but finds the burn in his chest doesn't ebb with the flow of air. why would shiro be disappionted if he no longer has to go through with something he obviously found objectionable? or if not objectionable, at least not his preference? and if shiro is disappointed, then why does that echo and hurt?
trust. you said you only trusted me. ]
Oh....
[ the word's quiet, his expression coloring over with guilt he can't explain because -- ]
You are...? [ heat blooms across keith's cheeks, knowing that it has to sound like the worst lie he's ever told and yet, he only repeats it even more fervently as he turns to face shiro. [ You are., okay? Look. I realize that sounds fake, but I mean it. I ... [ the flush deepens , spreading to the tips of his ears as keith glances down at the cot. ] .. I needed a lot of stipulations in place in order to be okay with it.
[ a beat, then he steals the tiniest glance up at shiro. ]
... it wouldn't have been like that with you.
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what does that even mean? he twists his lips on an unhappy grimace and stares down at his lap, feeling keith’s eyes on him but refusing to look up. he didn’t want to do anything with his friends, remember? he tries to console himself with the reminder. it works and it doesn’t; it eases the frown off his face but it doesn’t soften that uneasiness in his chest or the tightness that has his sternum feeling weighted, everything seemingly collapsing in on each breath.
his response is a few seconds late; he spends that time being sure his voice is mild-tempered and smooth. still, he doesn’t look up. ]
Whatever you needed to do, I’m glad it worked out for you.
[ it is true, to an extent. he only wants the best for keith. if this is how he wanted to go about sharing his body, then so be it. keith doesn’t owe shiro a damn thing. emotions are, unfortunately, complicated, hypocritical things though. weirdly enough, it makes him think of black and how blindsided he’d been when after having settled into the belief that black chose him to lead voltron, he’d been spit out like trash once zarkon showed up. god, is he seriously comparing the struggle over black to keith not truly trusting him with his virginity? pathetic.
well, if he’s certain of anything, it’s that he’s more invested in this than he was ever meant to be. so perhaps it’s best if he sticks with the original plan, especially since it doesn’t seem to matter much to keith anymore. ]
Maybe he can help you with the rest of your community service.
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What? No.
[ the refusal comes out more empathic that keith meant, but save for a slight dial down in volume keith doesn't take back the sentiment as a whole. he won't lie -- anon had put him at ease for a lot of things, but that was because making it stop was always as simple as a step away. no grabbing hands, no holding him in place to take it, no judging eyes to drink in keith's vulnerability. he shudders visibly. ]
I don't want that, Shiro.
[ but does that mean he wants that with shiro? wasn't he just chastising himself for being selfish and unfairly enrcoraching on shiro's boundaries by wrongfully appealing to his best friend's guilty conscience? keith shuts his mouth, then looks away. ]
I just... you weren't going to help me anyway.
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i'm tagging this just so you stop editing.
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1/3
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3;3
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the thread of the disappearing tablet and the changing outfits.
shiro's magic powers: disapparing tablets, quic changing and blue balling
if that pet sign event happens, shiro's title should be the blueballer
nah he's the holepuncher
imagine him having that sign and keith being like, holepuncher...? shiro: /sweats
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the icon is a lie
omg you lied to me