[ the up tick in volume does the trick: it has shiro snapping his head up and finally looking away from his lap. no? that’s… surprising. with the way keith has been cagey about forced intimacy and how he’d carried on about trust while sky high on aphro, shiro automatically assumed that if he’d found someone capable of keeping him at ease, then he’d simply remain paired off with this person. it makes sense that he would… so why wouldn’t he?
brows knotted and eyes slightly narrowed with perplexion, shiro watches keith carefully. one, two, three, four, he keeps his gaze right where it is, even as keith looks away. the brush off is expected, though he can’t decide if it’s meant as a shifting of blame or as a method of consoling himself through a missed opportunity. heh, not that being with shiro would have been any sort of prize. it would have, at the very least, been easier. no stipulations, right?
the thing is, it’s entirely false. he can’t blame keith too harshly; shiro of a month ago had been keen on believing that as well. wait, no, that’s not quite right. shiro of a month ago had been keen on not helping keith with his sentence, true, but specifics like that don’t stand up against the more generalized i will never give up on you. if keith’s struggling… if keith doesn’t feel right with himself… if he needs something from shiro, even shiro himself, then…
shiro exhales a heh, cracking a slanted grin. it’s funny and it’s not funny at all. ]
Keith. [ he shakes his head slow and brief, gaze shifting to the opposite wall. ] There isn’t a whole lot I wouldn’t do, if you truly needed me.
[ a moment to let that hang weighty and meaningful between them, and then he stomps right over it. ]
[ keith stares a moment too long in stunned silence after shiro finishes speaking. the tight feeling in his chest is entirely irrational and yet it spreads and spreads, keeping keith locked in its vice grip as he wades through what the fuck that he's even feeling right now.
everything is overblown. they're talking about sexual intimacy between them which, up until a month ago, was never an issue that was on or off the table. fuck, there was no goddamn table at all. they'd simply been two friends who looked out for each other, cared for each other, become each other's family. not even a war or death had changed that. so what exactly is it that's needling him?
honestly, keith doesn't have it sorted by the time he blurts the words out. ]
I don't have it figured out. [ he furrows his brow, leaning across the bed to grab shiro's shoulder. ] But you're right. I didn't need you for that.
[ he swallows, but holds eye contact steady. so that's it, huh? need. keith takes a deep breath, finding greater resolve with his next breath. need. no. if the last couple of years has taught keith anything at all, from shiro's "pilot error" death, to his actual death, it's that keith doesn't technically need shiro at all. life goes on, he's found. miserably, and with guilt and grief and mourning, but it marches on and keith can lead a team of four other paladins in battle and win despite feeling gutted and lonely.
the fight at the abandoned facility when he could have let the clone fall to save himself... that hadn't been about need either. bringing shiro back from the infinite void of the black lion, pleading with his unconscious body as his quintessence risked rejection.... fuck. a thousand different feelings cut raw at at once, knowing this shiro may never know the depth and intensity of feeling keith has reserved only for him, but it has to be better this way, right?
keith grips shiro's shoulder tight, violet eyes imploring for even a shred of understanding and connection. ]
I'm not some kid with scuffed knuckles who needs to be guided under your wing, Shiro.
[ a beat. ]
But I wanted you. [ still want you? his grip loosens fractionally as he swallows.] It's okay that you don't want me back like that, but I mean every word I'm saying.
[ that sure stings. shiro’s been thinking, even saying the words himself: keith doesn’t need him. yet, hearing the same repeated back cuts deeper than anything shiro could’ve done to himself. shiro’s the one to break eye contact first and that’s fitting, he supposes. at least he isn’t so cowardly to fold into himself and stare down at the bed; he simply looks away. even a tighter grip doesn’t draw him back in. he’s shuffling expectations and assumptions, aligning himself to a new plan forming in his head, one that comes together quicker with each thing keith says.
not a kid? shiro knows that. he’s sorry if he’s made it sound like that. this keith is different. older. more mature and more confident. that’s plain to see even with all the prison curveballs continually off-setting his footing. hell, even before all this, shiro entrusted the future of voltron to keith. so no, definitely not a child and any guiding shiro’s provided has been offered on account of genuine care and concern, not because he believes keith a temperamental loose cannon, in constant need of surveillance and direction. he must’ve fudged it up, though. maybe he’s kept too close to the idea of team voltron and him being its leader, when he should have been more focused on simply being a friend.
doesn’t matter either way, keith didn’t need him. still doesn’t need him.
honestly, he’s still hazy on the source of his disappointment here, but he’s stubbornly stuck in the feeling, hearing wanted and immediately thinking past tense. right, he wanted him then because of the aphrodisiac. the grip loosens and shiro still doesn’t look at him, instead finding the opposite wall again and thinking, this is it. this is the moment. keith’s been honest and now it’s shiro’s turn to be honest too.
would it also be okay if i did?
it’s there in his mind and on his tongue, ready to be said and change everything between them. except, he overthinks it. he’s not as brave as keith is, not in prodding at the carefully constructed parameters of invaluable relationships. all of this sounds like a gentle letdown; like keith has moved on from whatever ignited between them in shiro’s cube. shiro’s tried to move on too but he’s lagging. he just needs more time. he just – ]
I don’t want to jeopardize anything between us. [ it already feels a little ruined, doesn’t it? he doesn’t want more of this feeling. ] So I think it’s best if we don’t.
[ shiro looks away, but keith turns away. it couldn't' be less subtle if keith were trying as he withdraws back to his section of the cot, hands pressed firmly over his knees. once again, a basic repetition of established fact shouldn't mean anything new, but he feels ill in the knowledge that everything he feels is entirely one-sided.
shiro is happier messing around with anyone who puts out the network that isn't being punished in some way and well -- that's a facet of his best friend that keith clearly never knew a damn thing about. or who even knows. what's there to say that this shiro isn't from a different reality entirely and this roiling disappointment keith feels is nothing more than the by product of being held emotionally captive by a familiar looking face?
wouldn't be the first time it's fucking happened after all. ]
Yeah. I guess sex does have a way of messing everything up.
[ whether you have it or not. fucking hilarious. agitation ramps up and keith kicks out his legs and gets to his feet. the agreement comes entirely flat toned and deliberately uninterested.]
[ well shit. this went south fairly quickly. actually, not just south. it’s crashing and burning into the side of a fucking mountain right now. coward that he is, shiro only looks up with the shift of the cot and stares after keith’s back. a little ruined, he’d thought not more than ten seconds ago. that’s generous. now there’s a distinct fracture in place, one that shiro has a sudden overwhelming feeling of dread for. this is repairable, isn’t it? this isn’t done, right? they’ll be fine.
surely.
funnily enough, shiro’d been thinking this is how keith should have gone out from the get-go. all black. it hits differently here, because it punctuates the fact that keith wants so badly to get away from this conversation, even shiro himself, that he’s not even thinking of his state of dress anymore. skin tight and barely anything at all, it’s a ridiculous way to take a walk.
so maybe they won’t be fine.
the confession he swallowed back returns to him and he thinks, should’ve been honest, right before his mouth parts, his lungs fill, and he blurts out: ]
I can’t stop thinking about you, okay?
[ how he’d looked. how he’d felt underneath him. shiro can still hear him too. he’d hoped admitting as much would feel liberating, like a catharsis. but it isn’t. it only adds fuel to that agitated, jittery unease, of feeling out of depth and out of control. but see? see? keith isn’t alone in this, so don’t leave shiro here to deal with the damage alone either. ]
Just… [ he can never quite escape the urge to hesitate. he always tries to think things through first and measure out his words, but here, he’s breaking overriding the habit, leaving everything to come out rushed and slightly fumbled. ] I wanted you too. I still do. And I don’t know what to do with that.
[ keith was never getting out of his own cube without shiro getting in another jab. he's known his best friend long enough to know the guy isn't intimidated into resigned silence when keith abruptly slams on the brakes and signals to be left alone. it's a double edged sword. keith knows himself enough to realize he's doing a bad job of keeping his temper in check, but doubtless shiro's going to find fault in his need to take a step back.
doubtless. or so he thought.
shiro instead has his own outburst and for once, it's not measured disappointment, a veiled lecture or some prescriptive commentary about his trashfire of a sex life with a partner he doesn't know anything about. instead, it may well be the only fucking real thing shiro's said to him since that day in his cube.
keith stops. the abruptness of it is about as smooth as his forcequit of an exit. i can't stop thinking about you. the air feels physically squeezed out of his lungs as keith tries to keep himself stitched together. i wanted you. i still do. it should all come as a relief, but there's a band of pressure wrapped tight around his head that keeps keith facing away from shiro, expression vacant in its despair. ]
Why couldn't you just say that?
[ the words come out hissed, frustration with shiro bleeding into his frustration with lance and the prison at large. fuck. ]
Why did you have to make this about a breach of confidence? How can you possibly think any of these nobody's stuck here could ever be as important to me as you are? WHy do you have to make it my fault? Why do you have to make me beg for you to understand?
[ it would probably be a bad move to shrug his shoulders right about now. no sense in looking more like a fool, yeah? because that’s how shiro feels: foolish. he’s twenty-five years old and feels like he’s forty with how much growing up he’s had to do in the past couple of years. one would think, for how mature and put together he presents himself as, he’d realize that open communication is a necessity to any relationship. it’s what he’s always encouraging his team of having, isn’t it? be honest, be open, be willing to support one another. unresolved disagreements and faulty assumptions lead to chaos, and voltron can’t operate if any one of them is feeling misaligned from the group.
amazing. shiro’s been trying to preserve the team by not getting involved and yet, he’s made a mess of his strongest bond. quite a feat to pull off; congratulations, shirogane.
still, even with all this self-chastising, keith’s frustration gives rise to shiro’s own and while he doesn’t hit the same level as keith, he does wrinkle his nose, slam down his brow and huff back: ]
I didn’t make you do anything.
[ hurled one after the other, the amount of questions are seemingly endless. the last one rubs wrong the most, but one, two beats and the frustrated spike lulls into a feeling more manageable. he sighs heavily. ]
I wasn’t trying to hurt you or whatever you think it is I was doing. [ he still hasn’t moved from the cot, still sitting there, still hoping keith will come back on his own accord. ] I thought staying away would be better for us in the long run.
[ unfortunately for shiro, keith neither turns to look in his direction or comes a single step closer towards the cot. to his credit, keith listens to everything shiro has to say, but the defensiveness is suffocating to endure. is shiro even listening or is he more interested in didactics? teeth grit, keith clenches then unclenches his fists, exhaling long and slow. ]
What I think you're doing is finding reasons not to be honest with me and I'm tired of it. First Lance, now you. I trust you more than anyone, you know? It feels really fuckign bad that I have more of a clue what random strangers want out of me and why than people who call themselves my friends. [ a beat. ] In your case, my best friend.
So no, I don't think you're trying to hurt me. You're just impossible to read. That's all.
[ that’s unfair. shiro is opening up. he admitted to the one thing he’s been trying to deny himself: wanting keith. does that count for anything? apparently not. shiro bites his tongue to keep the frustration at bay and then draws in a deep breath through his nose, holding the air in his lungs for a few extra ticks before exhaling slow.
patience yields focus, heh. keep it together. think it through. don’t snap back.
shiro repeats his favorite mantra once, twice more and just like that, something gives inside him. his shoulders slump and exhaustion takes; he doesn’t want to fight. he’s never wanted to fight with keith. so have a quiet, miserable sounding: ]
[ keith goes quiet, still not budging from the spot he's rooted himself to. ask me anything opens up an entire floodgate worth of potential that keith no longer even knows what he wants to do with. it would help if he were allowed to put himself back together and be alone for a while to evaluate his own wants and desires, but given the uphill battle just to get to this point of transparency, keith doesn't trust it to stay open for long. ]
What am I to you?
[ a loaded question perhaps, but it's the easiest place to start. ]
[ my best friend. is the obvious answer. my family. is the less expected but just as true response. shiro’s grown to value each member of team voltron, but those newly forged friendships are nowhere near as invaluable to him as his connection with keith. keith’s the one who’s been there before and after. before kerberos, before voltron, before shiro became some changed thing that even he doesn't recognize some days. and even then, he’s stuck around after it all…
or did, up until a few minutes ago. now shiro isn’t so sure if that’ll remain true. and that’s a gut-churning thought because: ]
[ there are any number of answers to that question. best friend. paladin of voltron. right hand. obviously, whatever differences there are between their realities, some things have just held true. enough of them really, that keith can't bring himself to tell shiro about the end of their fight with xarkon. more repetition of commonly held facts would at least set some kind of grounding for this spiraling feeling at the pit of keith's stomach, but he doesn't get told he's a soldier or a friend.
you’re the one person I can’t stand to lose.
keith actually startles somewhat, enough so that he turns to look over his shoulder at shiro with a truly miserable expression on his face. has shiro always felt this way? keith searches his memor. sure, shiro had told him way back when that he wanted keith to lead, that he believes in keith, but this goes a hell of a lot deeper than that.
nobody's ever said anything like this to him. not when he left team voltron after the clone's discovery. hell, even after that stunt he pulled on naxzella, most of what he heard was justifiable outrage over the stupidity of his kamikaze strategy to take down haggar's cruiser.
keith stares, something inside him fracturing further into tiny pieces as he offers up a faint smile and shakes his head. ]
That kinda sounds like ...
[ you need me. keith trails off, realization hitting like a sledgehammer to the back of his head. need. is that why shiro had turned sour and cold out of nowhere? needing someone had always been dirty to keith. needing like a child needs a lost parent. keith looks down, biting hard on the inside of his cheek. ]
You're not gonna lose me if you never give up on me, you know?
[ it's meant as a joke, but there's something choked up and vulnerable in keith's tone of voice. he turns then, head bowed and again feeling guilty and exhausted. ]
....doubly so because I'm never giving up on you. Just... I had a really bad day, Shiro. I can't deal with you questioning who you are to me any more than you can, okay?
[ oh. there’s a smile. it’s tiny, sure, but shiro can work with that and he does, quickly. all it takes is a glimpse of it and shiro perks up in his seat, a smile appearing on his own face in answer. hopeful and eager, shiro doesn’t have it in him to mask the way he’s hanging off of keith’s every word. keith doesn’t even finish that statement, but shiro doesn’t chase for an ending. he keeps thinking patience and please, and is ultimately rewarded by keith turning around.
silently, he bobbles his head, though the reassurance he’s supposed to feel doesn’t follow it; is it actually that easy to keep keith? shiro’s faith and support for keith is what shiro himself is certain in. he doesn’t envision ever giving up on keith, not after all these years and obstacles. but things change. who knows what the future holds? keith knows, assuming shiro’s reality follows the same or similar to this keith’s history. not for the first time, shiro wonders if something happened in the gap, something that’s rattled them and the team, because something about the thickness of keith’s voice and the way he won’t look up from the floor gives him the distinct feeling that there’s more to never give up on me and i’ll never give up on you.
no. he’s overthinking it. just like he’s been overthinking everything of the past ten minutes. the smile is long gone and he’s back to his impression of a kicked puppy; nonetheless, he powers through the miserable, awkward feeling that follows any unfinished argument. because it is unfinished; they’re calling a truce but shiro doesn’t know where they are on the offer or if they’re actually fine. it’s time to stop being selfish with keith though, huh? ]
Okay.
[ he watches keith in the following pause, everything about his best friend’s body language bothering him. so, wow, look at that, shiro finally remembers that he has working legs. up on his feet now, shiro crosses the room and closes the distance, pausing an arm’s reach in front of him. he frowns, voice gentle. sincere. ]
I’m sorry for making today worse. [ goes without saying that that’s the direct opposite of what he initially came here to do. ] You can kick me out if it’ll make you feel better, I’d deserve it, but… [ just as he’d done earlier, he holds out his right hand. ] If I gave you a hug, would you consider forgiving me?
[ again, just like before keith glances down at the extended hand. what's there to consider is the immediate question that comes to mind, but even keith doesn't know if that's a vote of confidence in their friendship or if it's a shade bitter. what is true, however? ]
You know I can't stay mad at you for long.
[ he huffs, again managing a small smlile. when he reaches for shiro's hand, however, his grip is firm and he steps in for a solid hug. ]
Breaks the universe or something..
[ it's facetiously worded, but there's truth behind that, too. keith doesn't really know what he'd be doing if he were stuck in porn prison and not on speaking terms with his best friend. he sighs, and where the usual etiquette of their routine dictates that it's time to step back, keith stays in the hug. there are things he ought to say, perhaps. let shiro know that he's also been doing a lot of thinking about that day, and not completely in terms of his own humiliation., but with both his brain and words failing him, keith doesn't hazard an attempt. ]
[ breaks the universe, heh, maybe. which universe though? this one? or the one they actually know? at the very least, shiro’s own, personal universe would feel a little broken if a falling out stuck between them. he laughs though, because it’s less painful to play it off like a joke, like it doesn’t actually sting to consider what being shut out by his best friend would feel like. it’s easier to forget it entirely when, in the next moment, keith settles into their patented hug.
the movements are second nature and it all goes smoothly, with shiro winding his free arm around keith. this time, he doesn’t have the armor to contend with and boy, what a difference it makes. keith tucks in with ease and shiro’s struck amazed by how nice it feels. it always feels nice; this isn’t the first time they’ve done it out of the armor either. there’s nothing particularly different about it, and yet, it seems – better…? like they fit more together.
that’s sappy, huh?
either way, it’s nice and it’s good and as such, shiro is reluctant to relax the bend of his arm. keith doesn’t seem to be in much of a rush to follow their usual protocol either. both curious and encouraged by this, shiro continues to hold keith in and soon, he loses track of how long they stand there, holding and leaning into each other. unfortunately, nothing lasts forever. after so much time, inevitably, finally, shiro remembers really bad day and decides it’s time to move this along to hopefully accomplish what he came here to do: ensure keith takes care of himself.
with that in mind, the bend relaxes, though the hand doesn’t leave keith. he slides his arm down to rest mid-torso on keith’s side and he pulls back, just enough to get a look at keith’s face. ]
So, now that we have that straightened out…
[ tentatively, he smiles a wider, more encouraging smile. ]
How about you skip the walk and tuck in for the night? [ half expecting keith to say no, he hardly pauses for breath, tacking on a hasty: ] Like you said, it’s been a rough day. Sleep will do you good.
[ time passes in silence, but rather than feeling stifled, keith actually appreciates it. bodies pressed close and chin resting on a shoulder, keith closes his eyes. actually lets himself relax in the warm circle of shiro's arms and lets the day start to melt away. it's nice like this, he thinks. the extended contact isn't exactly new and they've certainly been far closer than this, but this time it's invited. the thoughts that start to get away from him, however? a little less so.
see, he's starting to wonder yet again, what intimacy could really be like if it started and ended this way, all tender and soft rather than staring down a balsa wood door and eyeing whatever body part is pressed up to the slot. it's a dangerous thought to be having, which is in part why keith doesn't resist when shiro finally ends the hug and pulls away.
getting a grip on himself, keith blinks and empties his head. shiro's right to think he doesn't want to abandon the walk, but after their argument keith isn't ready to say goodbye to the smile tugging on shiro's lips. he sighs inwardly, taking an additional half step back, expression a pinch melancholy despite his half smile. ]
You want me to be a good boy, huh.
[ ... heh. fuck. maybe he's not so done reflecting on his time with anonymous. his smile goes briefly sardonic before keith shakes his head, teasing a pinch airily. ]
[ it’s not an unusual saying. good boy. it’s unoriginal and common, shiro’s heard it in television shows, in passing conversation, in friendly ribbing. heck, people use it all the time with their pets. point is, there’s nothing unique about it that should rattle shiro. it’s keith though. it’s keith teasing shiro if he wants him to be a good boy. a good boy like shiro was for someone else not so long ago…? no, not that kind of good boy; of course, there’s nothing nefarious about this. he knows that and yet, he slips up and gives in for a damning moment, mind committing to memory the exact pitch and drawl of keth’s voice in saying good boy.
the next teasing comes and shiro’s a pinch delayed in a smooth reaction. throat feeling dry, he swallows and holds eye contact, before forcing a smile that he hopes is mostly believable. ]
Yeah.
[ that’s the main hurdle. once he says that and removes all touch from keith, it’s easier to focus on the prime objective here: getting keih into bed. so he turns away and backtracks to the cot. the armor is moved to the floor and the tablet is snatched up in his left while he bends down to pull back the blanket. he straightens up and pivots halfway to glance toward keith, gesturing with his metal hand to the cot in a wordless climb in.
as for the rest? he’ll smile something more genuine and far sweeter this time. ]
Humor me?
Edited (there's a weird gap of space at the bottom of the tag, it bothers me) 2022-06-16 18:36 (UTC)
[ keith raises an eyebrow as shiro lifts the blanket, amusement tugging the corners of his lips upwards. for starters, he can't decide if the implicit expectation that he should sleep in his under-suit is intentional or oversight. intentional might be contextually correct, considering stripping down even further also has implied intimacy that might be best left untouched.
given another beat however, and keith decides he doeesn't care what shiro's getting at. humor me he said, and that's compelling in its own right. ]
Okay.
[ so he cralws into his cot, obediently like a very good boy and lies down, still with the half amused smile on his lips. the look turns decidedly more sheepish when keith looks up at his best friend from this particular angle, but the smile holds nonetheless. ]
[ shiro appreciates keith’s playing along. he’s thankful too, because keith’s being generous with him. it wasn’t so long ago that keith was saying he can take care of himself. playful as all this is, it’s still a show of coddling, and so, even with all his silent reassurances to himself, shiro doesn’t fully relax until keith is on the cot, on his back, and looking up at him with a smile.
sir.
shiro huffs a soft, amused sound. of all things to call him… – he shakes his head, smile tugging harder to one side and plumping that cheek round. ]
Now… [ he grabs the edge of the blanket and pulls it over keith, lying it high, right around his collarbones. ]
We tuck.
[ leaning over keith and with one one hand on each side, shiro bunches material underneath keith with hard shoves of his fingers, outlining the shape of keith’s arms from shoulders to mid-forearms. all the while saying: ]
And we burrito. [ though, this isn’t much of a burrito, is it? he can’t exactly roll keith into the blanket. so, he’ll laugh and amend: ] Or I guess this would be better called enchiladaing.
[ the fact that shiro is a giant dork when he's not trying to play team leader is no secret, but it's a side of his best friend that keith hasn't seen in what feels like a lifetime. big exaggeration, of course. four years is more accurate. a year of shiro lost to kerberos and the galra, a year of war, half of which had been hijacked by an imposter clone trying to kill them all. then two years spent in the quantum abyss. it's kind of depressing how little time they've actually managed to spend together just being friends, huh?
even more depressing when you consider porn prison is the first "break" they've gotten from dealing with existential, nihilistic threats to the cosmos.
the thoughts should really be more bothersome, and yet as soon as shiro starts digging his fingers in to smoosh as much blanket under his body, keith and rolls his eyes affectionately. ]
Now you're just making me hungry, Shiro.
[ how long has it been since he's stuffed an enchilada in his mouth anyway? yet another thought best not had at all. ]
You're supposed to make me want to stay in bed, not entertain thoughts of slipping into dietary.
[ he entertains the idea of continuing on to tuck the blanket all the way down to keith’s heels, but he gives up after two more tucks, that end somewhere around keith’s wrists. hungry? for a split second, he has the irrational feeling of guilt. he’s not sure when keith last ate but considering all that happened, he’s certain he skipped dinner. so should shiro run an errand…?
the question has hardly formed and certainly hasn’t been answered by the time he shifts his gaze to keith’s face. seeing the affection there eases that sudden bit of tension and then he’s piggybacking on the joke, clicking his tongue. ]
Hey, no.
[ blanket abandoned, shiro’s got two free hands; look out. he’ll only be using one though, his left, to push his palm flat to the top of keith’s head and fan his fingers out to tangle and ruffle keith’s hair to oblivion. ]
Get those thoughts outta your head.
[ he gives keith’s hair another two ticks of destruction, just to thoroughly pulverize the thought out of his brain, before he relaxes and lets go. he’s grinning wide and shittily by the end of it, voice light. ]
[ keith squirms as best he can to avoid those meddling fingers, tipping his head back on the pillow with a laugh that's almost too earnest in its simplicity. stripped of all context, keith could even see this playing out back at galaxy garrison. just one scrawny cadet looking to pilfer a midnight snack and not getting a proper reprimand from the junior officers on account of having snuck out together to look at an a rare aurora late at night anyway.
but of course, it's never gonna be that simple ever again, huh? keith grins up, happy and yet feeling caught on some precipice. maybe the truth of it is that he doesn't want things to go back to the way they used to be. it's a daunting thought, but having shiro hover above him smiling down feels right in ways that are part mortifying and yet ... soothing?
he relaxes, shaking his head to let his bangs fall more naturally across his face. ]
[ a tick is all it takes for keith to register what he said and how it must have sounded. the look of dawning realization is about as subtle as an exploding rocket launcher. ]
I --uh.. [fuck. eyes wide, keith chokes on air, stammering through the sudden acceleration of his heart. ] Sleeping literally, I mean. You know. Like we both close our eyes and just do the normal falling asleep thing. Just.. together.
[< a beat.]
In the same cot. Even though it'll be kind of cramped and ....
[ shiro’s got bragging rights for quite a few monumental feats: top of his class, youngest pilot to fly a deep space mission, champion, leader of voltron. he’s accomplished and he’s proud; he’s done a lot more than a pubescent diagnosis initially prescribed for his future. right up there with all of that though? he counts stubborning his way past keith’s spiky, no entry, back the fuck off walls as a pretty impressive victory as well. right here, right now, he feels blessed... lucky. he isn’t so narcissistic to believe he’s the only one who ever gets to see keith open and vulnerable, but there is something rare about keith stripped down to the soft aspects of himself, completely unapologetic in his happiness as he grins and laughs and –
blurts out unfiltered questions.
shiro has just begun retucking the loosened edges of the blanket back underneath keith’s shoulders when the question comes. he pauses mid tuck and glances to keith’s face, curiosity furrowing his brow. it’s keith’s reaction that does him in. shiro feeds off of it immediately. keith’s all wide eyes, choked sounds and stammering words, and it’s impossible for shiro to not have his own heart kick up in its beats, face growing warm with every added explanation.
it should be working the opposite way, shouldn’t it? obviously keith hadn’t meant it that way, so why is everyone flustering here? because, the fact that it needs to be explained at all is telling in its own way. against all rhyme and reason, shiro’s mind drifts to the more perverse interpretation and – no. nope. that’s what got them into the whole mess from earlier. ]
I…
[ it’s a mistake. he should never start talking before he’s thought it through. he catches himself, but the one word hangs heavy between them, accompanied by shiro’s surprised, wide eyes and pinker cheeks. at least keith is too busy trying to hide to analyze whatever the hell it is shiro’s face is doing. though, keith hiding sobers him slightly and then he’s thinking, no, he doesn’t want keith’s happiness swallowed up by this. he misses that grin and that laugh already.
so, he holds the stare a beat longer and then exhales. ] Heh. [ he finally withdraws his hands, though one stays behind to playfully flick at keith’s ear. ] After all my hard work too. I think you just want an excuse to be de-encaladaed.
[ perhaps he’s trying too hard to smooth this over with a joke. but it’s the best he can manage in the immediate aftermath. he needs another fill of his lungs to gather himself – and to commit himself to the decision – but then he’s softening his voice and bleeding it dry of the teasing notes. ]
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brows knotted and eyes slightly narrowed with perplexion, shiro watches keith carefully. one, two, three, four, he keeps his gaze right where it is, even as keith looks away. the brush off is expected, though he can’t decide if it’s meant as a shifting of blame or as a method of consoling himself through a missed opportunity. heh, not that being with shiro would have been any sort of prize. it would have, at the very least, been easier. no stipulations, right?
the thing is, it’s entirely false. he can’t blame keith too harshly; shiro of a month ago had been keen on believing that as well. wait, no, that’s not quite right. shiro of a month ago had been keen on not helping keith with his sentence, true, but specifics like that don’t stand up against the more generalized i will never give up on you. if keith’s struggling… if keith doesn’t feel right with himself… if he needs something from shiro, even shiro himself, then…
shiro exhales a heh, cracking a slanted grin. it’s funny and it’s not funny at all. ]
Keith. [ he shakes his head slow and brief, gaze shifting to the opposite wall. ] There isn’t a whole lot I wouldn’t do, if you truly needed me.
[ a moment to let that hang weighty and meaningful between them, and then he stomps right over it. ]
But you didn’t. You figured it out.
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everything is overblown. they're talking about sexual intimacy between them which, up until a month ago, was never an issue that was on or off the table. fuck, there was no goddamn table at all. they'd simply been two friends who looked out for each other, cared for each other, become each other's family. not even a war or death had changed that. so what exactly is it that's needling him?
honestly, keith doesn't have it sorted by the time he blurts the words out. ]
I don't have it figured out. [ he furrows his brow, leaning across the bed to grab shiro's shoulder. ] But you're right. I didn't need you for that.
[ he swallows, but holds eye contact steady. so that's it, huh? need. keith takes a deep breath, finding greater resolve with his next breath. need. no. if the last couple of years has taught keith anything at all, from shiro's "pilot error" death, to his actual death, it's that keith doesn't technically need shiro at all. life goes on, he's found. miserably, and with guilt and grief and mourning, but it marches on and keith can lead a team of four other paladins in battle and win despite feeling gutted and lonely.
the fight at the abandoned facility when he could have let the clone fall to save himself... that hadn't been about need either. bringing shiro back from the infinite void of the black lion, pleading with his unconscious body as his quintessence risked rejection.... fuck. a thousand different feelings cut raw at at once, knowing this shiro may never know the depth and intensity of feeling keith has reserved only for him, but it has to be better this way, right?
keith grips shiro's shoulder tight, violet eyes imploring for even a shred of understanding and connection. ]
I'm not some kid with scuffed knuckles who needs to be guided under your wing, Shiro.
[ a beat. ]
But I wanted you. [ still want you? his grip loosens fractionally as he swallows.] It's okay that you don't want me back like that, but I mean every word I'm saying.
i'm tagging this just so you stop editing.
not a kid? shiro knows that. he’s sorry if he’s made it sound like that. this keith is different. older. more mature and more confident. that’s plain to see even with all the prison curveballs continually off-setting his footing. hell, even before all this, shiro entrusted the future of voltron to keith. so no, definitely not a child and any guiding shiro’s provided has been offered on account of genuine care and concern, not because he believes keith a temperamental loose cannon, in constant need of surveillance and direction. he must’ve fudged it up, though. maybe he’s kept too close to the idea of team voltron and him being its leader, when he should have been more focused on simply being a friend.
doesn’t matter either way, keith didn’t need him. still doesn’t need him.
honestly, he’s still hazy on the source of his disappointment here, but he’s stubbornly stuck in the feeling, hearing wanted and immediately thinking past tense. right, he wanted him then because of the aphrodisiac. the grip loosens and shiro still doesn’t look at him, instead finding the opposite wall again and thinking, this is it. this is the moment. keith’s been honest and now it’s shiro’s turn to be honest too.
would it also be okay if i did?
it’s there in his mind and on his tongue, ready to be said and change everything between them. except, he overthinks it. he’s not as brave as keith is, not in prodding at the carefully constructed parameters of invaluable relationships. all of this sounds like a gentle letdown; like keith has moved on from whatever ignited between them in shiro’s cube. shiro’s tried to move on too but he’s lagging. he just needs more time. he just – ]
I don’t want to jeopardize anything between us. [ it already feels a little ruined, doesn’t it? he doesn’t want more of this feeling. ] So I think it’s best if we don’t.
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shiro is happier messing around with anyone who puts out the network that isn't being punished in some way and well -- that's a facet of his best friend that keith clearly never knew a damn thing about. or who even knows. what's there to say that this shiro isn't from a different reality entirely and this roiling disappointment keith feels is nothing more than the by product of being held emotionally captive by a familiar looking face?
wouldn't be the first time it's fucking happened after all. ]
Yeah. I guess sex does have a way of messing everything up.
[ whether you have it or not. fucking hilarious. agitation ramps up and keith kicks out his legs and gets to his feet. the agreement comes entirely flat toned and deliberately uninterested.]
I'm going for a walk. See you tomorrow.
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surely.
funnily enough, shiro’d been thinking this is how keith should have gone out from the get-go. all black. it hits differently here, because it punctuates the fact that keith wants so badly to get away from this conversation, even shiro himself, that he’s not even thinking of his state of dress anymore. skin tight and barely anything at all, it’s a ridiculous way to take a walk.
so maybe they won’t be fine.
the confession he swallowed back returns to him and he thinks, should’ve been honest, right before his mouth parts, his lungs fill, and he blurts out: ]
I can’t stop thinking about you, okay?
[ how he’d looked. how he’d felt underneath him. shiro can still hear him too. he’d hoped admitting as much would feel liberating, like a catharsis. but it isn’t. it only adds fuel to that agitated, jittery unease, of feeling out of depth and out of control. but see? see? keith isn’t alone in this, so don’t leave shiro here to deal with the damage alone either. ]
Just… [ he can never quite escape the urge to hesitate. he always tries to think things through first and measure out his words, but here, he’s
breakingoverriding the habit, leaving everything to come out rushed and slightly fumbled. ] I wanted you too. I still do. And I don’t know what to do with that.no subject
doubtless. or so he thought.
shiro instead has his own outburst and for once, it's not measured disappointment, a veiled lecture or some prescriptive commentary about his trashfire of a sex life with a partner he doesn't know anything about. instead, it may well be the only fucking real thing shiro's said to him since that day in his cube.
keith stops. the abruptness of it is about as smooth as his forcequit of an exit. i can't stop thinking about you. the air feels physically squeezed out of his lungs as keith tries to keep himself stitched together. i wanted you. i still do. it should all come as a relief, but there's a band of pressure wrapped tight around his head that keeps keith facing away from shiro, expression vacant in its despair. ]
Why couldn't you just say that?
[ the words come out hissed, frustration with shiro bleeding into his frustration with lance and the prison at large. fuck. ]
Why did you have to make this about a breach of confidence? How can you possibly think any of these nobody's stuck here could ever be as important to me as you are? WHy do you have to make it my fault? Why do you have to make me beg for you to understand?
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amazing. shiro’s been trying to preserve the team by not getting involved and yet, he’s made a mess of his strongest bond. quite a feat to pull off; congratulations, shirogane.
still, even with all this self-chastising, keith’s frustration gives rise to shiro’s own and while he doesn’t hit the same level as keith, he does wrinkle his nose, slam down his brow and huff back: ]
I didn’t make you do anything.
[ hurled one after the other, the amount of questions are seemingly endless. the last one rubs wrong the most, but one, two beats and the frustrated spike lulls into a feeling more manageable. he sighs heavily. ]
I wasn’t trying to hurt you or whatever you think it is I was doing. [ he still hasn’t moved from the cot, still sitting there, still hoping keith will come back on his own accord. ] I thought staying away would be better for us in the long run.
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What I think you're doing is finding reasons not to be honest with me and I'm tired of it. First Lance, now you. I trust you more than anyone, you know? It feels really fuckign bad that I have more of a clue what random strangers want out of me and why than people who call themselves my friends. [ a beat. ] In your case, my best friend.
So no, I don't think you're trying to hurt me. You're just impossible to read. That's all.
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patience yields focus, heh. keep it together. think it through. don’t snap back.
shiro repeats his favorite mantra once, twice more and just like that, something gives inside him. his shoulders slump and exhaustion takes; he doesn’t want to fight. he’s never wanted to fight with keith. so have a quiet, miserable sounding: ]
I’m being honest with you now. Ask me anything.
[ too little, too late? ]
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What am I to you?
[ a loaded question perhaps, but it's the easiest place to start. ]
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or did, up until a few minutes ago. now shiro isn’t so sure if that’ll remain true. and that’s a gut-churning thought because: ]
You’re the one person I can’t stand to lose.
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you’re the one person I can’t stand to lose.
keith actually startles somewhat, enough so that he turns to look over his shoulder at shiro with a truly miserable expression on his face. has shiro always felt this way? keith searches his memor. sure, shiro had told him way back when that he wanted keith to lead, that he believes in keith, but this goes a hell of a lot deeper than that.
nobody's ever said anything like this to him. not when he left team voltron after the clone's discovery. hell, even after that stunt he pulled on naxzella, most of what he heard was justifiable outrage over the stupidity of his kamikaze strategy to take down haggar's cruiser.
keith stares, something inside him fracturing further into tiny pieces as he offers up a faint smile and shakes his head. ]
That kinda sounds like ...
[ you need me. keith trails off, realization hitting like a sledgehammer to the back of his head. need. is that why shiro had turned sour and cold out of nowhere? needing someone had always been dirty to keith. needing like a child needs a lost parent. keith looks down, biting hard on the inside of his cheek. ]
You're not gonna lose me if you never give up on me, you know?
[ it's meant as a joke, but there's something choked up and vulnerable in keith's tone of voice. he turns then, head bowed and again feeling guilty and exhausted. ]
....doubly so because I'm never giving up on you. Just... I had a really bad day, Shiro. I can't deal with you questioning who you are to me any more than you can, okay?
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silently, he bobbles his head, though the reassurance he’s supposed to feel doesn’t follow it; is it actually that easy to keep keith? shiro’s faith and support for keith is what shiro himself is certain in. he doesn’t envision ever giving up on keith, not after all these years and obstacles. but things change. who knows what the future holds? keith knows, assuming shiro’s reality follows the same or similar to this keith’s history. not for the first time, shiro wonders if something happened in the gap, something that’s rattled them and the team, because something about the thickness of keith’s voice and the way he won’t look up from the floor gives him the distinct feeling that there’s more to never give up on me and i’ll never give up on you.
no. he’s overthinking it. just like he’s been overthinking everything of the past ten minutes. the smile is long gone and he’s back to his impression of a kicked puppy; nonetheless, he powers through the miserable, awkward feeling that follows any unfinished argument. because it is unfinished; they’re calling a truce but shiro doesn’t know where they are on the offer or if they’re actually fine. it’s time to stop being selfish with keith though, huh? ]
Okay.
[ he watches keith in the following pause, everything about his best friend’s body language bothering him. so, wow, look at that, shiro finally remembers that he has working legs. up on his feet now, shiro crosses the room and closes the distance, pausing an arm’s reach in front of him. he frowns, voice gentle. sincere. ]
I’m sorry for making today worse. [ goes without saying that that’s the direct opposite of what he initially came here to do. ] You can kick me out if it’ll make you feel better, I’d deserve it, but… [ just as he’d done earlier, he holds out his right hand. ] If I gave you a hug, would you consider forgiving me?
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You know I can't stay mad at you for long.
[ he huffs, again managing a small smlile. when he reaches for shiro's hand, however, his grip is firm and he steps in for a solid hug. ]
Breaks the universe or something..
[ it's facetiously worded, but there's truth behind that, too. keith doesn't really know what he'd be doing if he were stuck in porn prison and not on speaking terms with his best friend.
he sighs, and where the usual etiquette of their routine dictates that it's time to step back, keith stays in the hug. there are things he ought to say, perhaps. let shiro know that he's also been doing a lot of thinking about that day, and not completely in terms of his own humiliation., but with both his brain and words failing him, keith doesn't hazard an attempt. ]
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the movements are second nature and it all goes smoothly, with shiro winding his free arm around keith. this time, he doesn’t have the armor to contend with and boy, what a difference it makes. keith tucks in with ease and shiro’s struck amazed by how nice it feels. it always feels nice; this isn’t the first time they’ve done it out of the armor either. there’s nothing particularly different about it, and yet, it seems – better…? like they fit more together.
that’s sappy, huh?
either way, it’s nice and it’s good and as such, shiro is reluctant to relax the bend of his arm. keith doesn’t seem to be in much of a rush to follow their usual protocol either. both curious and encouraged by this, shiro continues to hold keith in and soon, he loses track of how long they stand there, holding and leaning into each other. unfortunately, nothing lasts forever. after so much time, inevitably, finally, shiro remembers really bad day and decides it’s time to move this along to hopefully accomplish what he came here to do: ensure keith takes care of himself.
with that in mind, the bend relaxes, though the hand doesn’t leave keith. he slides his arm down to rest mid-torso on keith’s side and he pulls back, just enough to get a look at keith’s face. ]
So, now that we have that straightened out…
[ tentatively, he smiles a wider, more encouraging smile. ]
How about you skip the walk and tuck in for the night? [ half expecting keith to say no, he hardly pauses for breath, tacking on a hasty: ] Like you said, it’s been a rough day. Sleep will do you good.
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see, he's starting to wonder yet again, what intimacy could really be like if it started and ended this way, all tender and soft rather than staring down a balsa wood door and eyeing whatever body part is pressed up to the slot. it's a dangerous thought to be having, which is in part why keith doesn't resist when shiro finally ends the hug and pulls away.
getting a grip on himself, keith blinks and empties his head. shiro's right to think he doesn't want to abandon the walk, but after their argument keith isn't ready to say goodbye to the smile tugging on shiro's lips. he sighs inwardly, taking an additional half step back, expression a pinch melancholy despite his half smile. ]
You want me to be a good boy, huh.
[ ... heh. fuck. maybe he's not so done reflecting on his time with anonymous. his smile goes briefly sardonic before keith shakes his head, teasing a pinch airily. ]
You gonna tuck me in?
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the next teasing comes and shiro’s a pinch delayed in a smooth reaction. throat feeling dry, he swallows and holds eye contact, before forcing a smile that he hopes is mostly believable. ]
Yeah.
[ that’s the main hurdle. once he says that and removes all touch from keith, it’s easier to focus on the prime objective here: getting keih into bed. so he turns away and backtracks to the cot. the armor is moved to the floor and the tablet is snatched up in his left while he bends down to pull back the blanket. he straightens up and pivots halfway to glance toward keith, gesturing with his metal hand to the cot in a wordless climb in.
as for the rest? he’ll smile something more genuine and far sweeter this time. ]
Humor me?
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given another beat however, and keith decides he doeesn't care what shiro's getting at. humor me he said, and that's compelling in its own right. ]
Okay.
[ so he cralws into his cot, obediently like a very good boy and lies down, still with the half amused smile on his lips. the look turns decidedly more sheepish when keith looks up at his best friend from this particular angle, but the smile holds nonetheless. ]
Humoring. Now what, sir?
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sir.
shiro huffs a soft, amused sound. of all things to call him… – he shakes his head, smile tugging harder to one side and plumping that cheek round. ]
Now… [ he grabs the edge of the blanket and pulls it over keith, lying it high, right around his collarbones. ]
We tuck.
[ leaning over keith and with one one hand on each side, shiro bunches material underneath keith with hard shoves of his fingers, outlining the shape of keith’s arms from shoulders to mid-forearms. all the while saying: ]
And we burrito. [ though, this isn’t much of a burrito, is it? he can’t exactly roll keith into the blanket. so, he’ll laugh and amend: ] Or I guess this would be better called enchiladaing.
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even more depressing when you consider porn prison is the first "break" they've gotten from dealing with existential, nihilistic threats to the cosmos.
the thoughts should really be more bothersome, and yet as soon as shiro starts digging his fingers in to smoosh as much blanket under his body, keith and rolls his eyes affectionately. ]
Now you're just making me hungry, Shiro.
[ how long has it been since he's stuffed an enchilada in his mouth anyway? yet another thought best not had at all. ]
You're supposed to make me want to stay in bed, not entertain thoughts of slipping into dietary.
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the question has hardly formed and certainly hasn’t been answered by the time he shifts his gaze to keith’s face. seeing the affection there eases that sudden bit of tension and then he’s piggybacking on the joke, clicking his tongue. ]
Hey, no.
[ blanket abandoned, shiro’s got two free hands; look out. he’ll only be using one though, his left, to push his palm flat to the top of keith’s head and fan his fingers out to tangle and ruffle keith’s hair to oblivion. ]
Get those thoughts outta your head.
[ he gives keith’s hair another two ticks of destruction, just to thoroughly pulverize the thought out of his brain, before he relaxes and lets go. he’s grinning wide and shittily by the end of it, voice light. ]
We can pilfer dietary tomorrow. Sleep now.
1/3
but of course, it's never gonna be that simple ever again, huh? keith grins up, happy and yet feeling caught on some precipice. maybe the truth of it is that he doesn't want things to go back to the way they used to be. it's a daunting thought, but having shiro hover above him smiling down feels right in ways that are part mortifying and yet ... soothing?
he relaxes, shaking his head to let his bangs fall more naturally across his face. ]
You'll sleep with me, yeah?
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I --uh.. [fuck. eyes wide, keith chokes on air, stammering through the sudden acceleration of his heart. ] Sleeping literally, I mean. You know. Like we both close our eyes and just do the normal falling asleep thing. Just.. together.
[< a beat.]
In the same cot. Even though it'll be kind of cramped and ....
3;3
..... I'm just going to stop talking.
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champion, leader of voltron. he’s accomplished and he’s proud; he’s done a lot more than a pubescent diagnosis initially prescribed for his future. right up there with all of that though? he counts stubborning his way past keith’s spiky, no entry, back the fuck off walls as a pretty impressive victory as well. right here, right now, he feelsblessed... lucky. he isn’t so narcissistic to believe he’s the only one who ever gets to see keith open and vulnerable, but there is something rare about keith stripped down to the soft aspects of himself, completely unapologetic in his happiness as he grins and laughs and –blurts out unfiltered questions.
shiro has just begun retucking the loosened edges of the blanket back underneath keith’s shoulders when the question comes. he pauses mid tuck and glances to keith’s face, curiosity furrowing his brow. it’s keith’s reaction that does him in. shiro feeds off of it immediately. keith’s all wide eyes, choked sounds and stammering words, and it’s impossible for shiro to not have his own heart kick up in its beats, face growing warm with every added explanation.
it should be working the opposite way, shouldn’t it? obviously keith hadn’t meant it that way, so why is everyone flustering here? because, the fact that it needs to be explained at all is telling in its own way. against all rhyme and reason, shiro’s mind drifts to the more perverse interpretation and – no. nope. that’s what got them into the whole mess from earlier. ]
I…
[ it’s a mistake. he should never start talking before he’s thought it through. he catches himself, but the one word hangs heavy between them, accompanied by shiro’s surprised, wide eyes and pinker cheeks. at least keith is too busy trying to hide to analyze whatever the hell it is shiro’s face is doing. though, keith hiding sobers him slightly and then he’s thinking, no, he doesn’t want keith’s happiness swallowed up by this. he misses that grin and that laugh already.
so, he holds the stare a beat longer and then exhales. ] Heh. [ he finally withdraws his hands, though one stays behind to playfully flick at keith’s ear. ] After all my hard work too. I think you just want an excuse to be de-encaladaed.
[ perhaps he’s trying too hard to smooth this over with a joke. but it’s the best he can manage in the immediate aftermath. he needs another fill of his lungs to gather himself – and to commit himself to the decision – but then he’s softening his voice and bleeding it dry of the teasing notes. ]
But okay. I can stay… if that’s what you want.
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the thread of the disappearing tablet and the changing outfits.
shiro's magic powers: disapparing tablets, quic changing and blue balling
if that pet sign event happens, shiro's title should be the blueballer
nah he's the holepuncher
imagine him having that sign and keith being like, holepuncher...? shiro: /sweats
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the icon is a lie
omg you lied to me