[ patience yields focus can account for some of this skill’s development. there is no grand story behind it, really; just a younger shiro, who spent a good portion of his day cycling through weight training sets, all with the disease of his body in mind. he hadn’t been big at galaxy garrison, not like a year spent in the gladiator pits and alien experimentation rendered him as, but he’d had decent hypertrophy to his muscles, enough to give him something to work with. and boy, did he work with it. hot on the idea of mastering his deteriorating body and taking it to its full potential, shiro set goals for himself: certain weights to hit for lifts, mostly, but control of his muscles came in another way too. learning how to flex his pecs, to jar the muscles and move them freely had been a silly, yet challenging task. it took him awhile, but inevitably…
adam hadn’t laughed anything like this.
shiro’s grin spreads even wider, the stretch pulling so incessantly that his cheeks ache with it. it’s fine though. it’s good, because right here, right now, for a few very precious moments, everything is right in this fucked up world. is it too cheesy to say keith’s laughter is rejuvenating? fine, shiro won’t say it. he feels it, though. it flutters shiro’s chest with happy, giddy feeling and has him squirming, just a little, in his seat from the onslaught of pride he feels for causing this. this is worth everything: keith carefree and unapologetic in his delight, if only temporary. it’s a good look, one that shiro wishes his best friend kept to far more often.
distance quickly becomes the enemy. shiro huffs and leans forward, one hand bracing to the floor and the other reaching for keith. ]
Me? No. That’s you.
[ he grasps keith’s thigh and pulls, trying to drag keith by the leg closer. it’s a movement that’s only going to happen if keith helps by scooting along. either way, shiro keeps leaning in, already well into keith’s space. ]
You’re the one giggling over dancing pecs. [ adorably goes unsaid. ] And the one who’s so charmed that you’re going to kiss the extremely talented guy with the…
[ the space wolf is growling. it starts suddenly, with the wolf’s ears flattening back. shiro stops short and loses all traces of mirth to instead, shoot the wolf an exasperated look, voice annoyed. ]
Come on. [ the wolf isn’t looking at him though. for a creature who is voicing his disdain for shiro making a move on his favorite person, the wolf is very interested in the wall opposite the door. ] Do you really have a problem with… – huh?
[ there’s movement out of the corner of his eye and then he’s matching the wolf’s stare to the other wall where something simply materializes through it. something, no – someone? she doesn’t look right. she doesn’t feel right. ]
Keith.
[ the wolf is already on that side, up now and sufficiently blocking keith from this new, unwanted presence. shiro lets go of keith’s leg but he’s pushing him to move, to get up and get to the door, to at the very least, put some distance between them all. probably the best course of actin to take, considering the greeting ends up being an ominous: ]
[ it doesn't matter how many times keith's experienced the disorienting whiplash of extremes, each time is jarring and having all levity sucked from the atmosphere takes the air in his lungs with it. keith chokes on the embers of his laughter, eyes round as he looks from his growling wolf to the ghost materializing through the cinderblock wall.
nothing about her is recognizable. the corpse in the trunk had been badly decayed, and any semblance of a face had long been mummified. this ... thing could be that body, it could be fucking anything else for all keith knows, but when it speaks, she speaks with a voice like nails splintering on a chalkboard. keith flinches back, hand reaching for a knife and a bayard that aren't there. panic sets in a moment later when she surveys the three of them with empty sockets and speaks: ]
ʏᴏᴜ ᴛᴏᴏᴋ ᴡʜᴀᴛ's ᴍɪɴᴇ, ʟɪᴛᴛʟᴇ ᴛʜɪᴇғ. ɢɪᴠᴇ ɪᴛ ʙᴀᴄᴋ.
[ eyes widening in alarm, keith doesn't even bother trying to piece out what it is she's even talking about. the paper? the trinket? the container? all three? right now, that's not a mystery that's important to him. right now, what's important is grabbing hold of shiro's shirt and tugging insistently to keep his best friend from getting any closer to the threat. ]
I don't know what you're talking about!
[ the wolf growls, baring pointy teeth in warning. the ghost shrieks, flailing rotting arms wildly as she pitches forward. ]
[ so this is the something from the lighthouse? it’s the logical conclusion in an illogical situation and with there being little to no time to process the threat before adrenaline kicks in, shiro takes to that jump easily enough. little thief only bolsters the idea, not that having an idea of what is unfolding before them gives shiro any idea on how to handle it. it’s a mess of conflicting actons. keith pulls at him but shiro isn’t cooperating, because he’s busy pushing at keith and together, they’re hindering each other more so than they’re aiding. ]
Keith.
[ again, imploring keith to move and to get behind him, as well as to safety, shiro knocks that hand away to push keith harder. the space wolf is holding the front line and shiro won’t fight him for it, but he does fight keith to get into the next line of defense. he scrambles on his knees, still so vulnerable. he turns though and upon facing the spirit, monster, whatever this cursed thing is, fluorescent purple lights up the lines of his arm. ]
He doesn’t have it!
[ right keith…? it’s only then that shiro realizes keith never said who wound up with the trinket or the paper. something to ponder later when there isn’t a threat screeching and pitching forward.
will his arm work on her? how can he possibly brawl with something that can materialize through solid objects? doubt fuels the panic. as long as he can distract her long enough for keith to gain some distance, if he would simply cooperate…
the space wolf kicks a hind leg back, knocking into shiro. that growling face looks back at him, but shiro’s gaze is immediately pulled to the creature coming forward and coming fast, limbs frantic and face twisted up with a fury that demands violence. breath catches and shiro tries to say keith’s name again, feeling him at his back where shiro is still trying to push him with his other hand.
and then zap. everything changes.
this is how he winds up staring at the wall of his own cube. he only knows it’s his cube once he turns his head, seeing the familiar bed and the little stacks of ramen boxes on the counter. ]
Oh.
[ he looks behind him and there’s keith. or more so, there’s the space wolf, bullying keith by sheer weight to push him down on the ground and lick his face in a show of relief and affection. shiro feels it too; relief. but it’s soured with the knowledge that this is only a temporary fix. he swallows down that unease, trying to keep his voice clear of it. ]
Good thinking. That’ll buy us some time.
[ … hmph. here shiro is, on the rare occasion of complimenting the space wolf, and the space wolf can’t be bothered to acknowledge him. he simply keeps nuzzling keith’s face. guess shiro can't blame him. ]
[ they've dealt with worse than screeching ghosts, but that doesn't answer the question of how to actually make it stop. or no -- there is one way, and that'd involve getting the trinket or whatever it is back to the ghost. the question is -- why does it want that? why did it even take the ghost this long to figure out that it was missing? why now?
it doesn't matter. at least not right now. both the wolf and shiro are standing in front of him and all keith can think is that it's his fault that they're in any danger right now. that he borught this upon the two of them. teeth grit, he doesn't get any further in the plan to try and push shiro out of the way because there's a white flash. next thing he knows, he's on his back with two heavy paws pressing on his chest and a tongue spreading slobber across his chin and neck. the disorientation isn't helped in the slightest by the fact that his view of the ceiling gives him no real indication of where the fuck the wolf teleported him.
or wait-- ]
Shiro!
[ he starts, trying to nudge the wolf's snout away to sit up. the wolf huffs as if to say keith pls. it's a rather unnecessary bit of chiding if only because shiro speaks in the following beat and keith finally gets a more useful view of their bed. only then does keith actually relax a bit, throwing an arm around the wolf to lean against his side. ]
Thanks.
[ the word is murmured against the wolf's fur, relief plainly audible though he isn't optimistic enough to think the danger has actually passed. the feeling that something is out looking for him isn't just a feeling anymore, but some dangerous monster intent on chasing keith down. meaning .... of course, that lance and angel are likely in trouble as well? and as long as he sticks close to shiro and the wolf that those two will be in danger too?
keith glances up, expression exhausted as he calls out to shiro. ]
I... I shouldn't stay here. If that thing is gonna follow me, I can't put you at risk.
[ it probably says something about shiro as leader that in all this time, he hasn’t thought much at all about lance ( or angel for that matter ). even his attempted diversion by telling that cursed being that keith doesn’t have what she’s looking for, carries an implied look elsewhere. meaning? lance or angel. it’s not that shiro doesn’t care. it’s that he plays favorites. it’s unbecoming of a leader, he supposes, but realistic in nature. it’s an impossibility to remain impartial; to remain completely detached from one’s own feelings. shiro tries, of course. he wants to even the playing field and be there in equal amounts to everyone on the team. but the ugly truth of the matter, is that if it comes down to it, keith will always edge out the others.
when was the last time he checked in on lance, pidge, hunk anyway? they certainly don’t operate as a team here. perhaps they aren’t shiro’s responsibility any longer.
there on the floor, shiro watches the space wolf fawn over his sole responsibility and feels oddly inadequate in the moment. he’s failing a lot of people right now, isn’t he? refusing to sit there and wallow in his own shortcomings, shiro pushes himself to his feet instead. shirt or tablet first? the fact that he’s still thinking to delay, even a few seconds, from sending lance a text is another mark against him.
tablet there on the counter, shiro stops before it and starts tapping away with metal fingers. hopefully lance isn’t also suffering from an inability to touch without suffering a burn. ]
And I can’t be expected to sit by while this thing hunts you down.
[ the retort comes easy. shiro doesn’t even look up. text sent, one asking a generalized status report, shiro looks over to keith then, mouth half-tilted and worn. ]
You know I’ll never agree to that, best save your breath.
Edited (best say your breath, keith...) 2022-10-10 02:09 (UTC)
[ there's nothing even remotely surprising about that answer. shiro wouldn't be shiro if he could ever be content to sit back while others are in danger, but... ]
That thing is after me.
[ can keith be said to be keith if he were content to be the one putting others at risk? ]
There's no reason for you to be dragged into this mess, too. Shiro, if you got hurt, I don't think I'd be able to forgive myself, you know?
[ it's an argument that's likely going to fall on deaf ears. as much as keith loves shiro, sometimes arguing with him can be like arguing with a brick wall. giving the wold a gentle pat, keith spares him an apologetic look before brushing him aside to walk the short distance to where shiro is standing. hesitant but determined, keith touches his arm gripping it tight. ]
[ no, the argument isn’t falling on deaf ears. shiro’s listening and he’s turning more fully, his attention with the tablet waning. it’s just – the argument is too easy to pick apart. he’s already in this mess. shiro wouldn’t have it any other way, either. not that he doesn’t understand where keith is coming from. the concern is right in line with shiro’s: if something were to happen to keith, from this ghost or otherwise, shiro would carry that guilt forever. in some part, it has to do with his station as leader, but mostly, it has everything to do with keith being just about the most important aspect in shiro’s life.
keith’s been part of his life for years, even in the gaps that have kept them apart. shiro doesn’t know how he’d be able to function if that stable fixture was ripped away.
so is shiro being more selfless or more selfish in refusing to go? is he doing this more for keith or more for himself? afterall, the more self-preserving option is not, in fact, the one that has shiro running off to safety. ]
Well, I’m not going to let anything hurt you, either. [ he’s certain he’s said more or less the same vow before, but a little reiteration never hurt anyone. he smiles a little more fully, briefly alight with playful vibes. ] Can’t leave now and be a liar.
[ see what he did there? he sobers soon enough, the stretch of his smile once again wearing thin. still, he lets keith clutch at his arm as tight as he likes as he turns more into him, other hand coming around to cup, lightly, at the small of keith’s back. ]
Your problems are my problems, Keith. So I'm gonna be here for you, no matter the risks. We’re in this together, as always.
[ this isn't an argument. barely even a debate, really. shiro was right about saying saving his breath because the discussion's over before it's begun. just ... how is keith supposed to argue against this? they're just going to go in circles about who's more important and in the endd keith supposes it's kinda funny that they'd do this, but that doesn't extinguish his stubbornness. at least, not yet.
he catches the smile on shiro's face and actually does a double take. shiro smiling isn't a rare sight or anything, but the fact that he's able to do so now, like this whole mess isn't a big deal just throws keith off enough that he forgets the script. instead he stares for a beat too long, expression longing before he finally gets it together enough to bump his forehead to shiro's pec.
fuck. maybe this whole situation really is stupid if they''re dodging ghosts with one shirt on between them. ]
Shiro.....
[ the name is whined, but that's it. that's the end of keith's resistance. he doesn't want to argue, he wants to keep shiro safe. not just shiro -- but the wolf, and nlance and angel and --
keith sighs, huffing a deep breath with his face still partly buried. ]
[ and back into his tiddy he goes. truthfully, shiro’s relieved. he’d been fairly confident he’d be on the winning side of the debate, but keith is and will forever be a wildcard; as well as he knows him, shiro can never fully predict how keith will react when he’s outmaneuvered. here, it goes as smoothly as he could hope for. so he stands there and is silent through the whining of his name. he continues to do little with the arm being held hostage by keith but he does curl his other more securely around, holding him in something closer to a hug.
and then the moment isn’t as smooth.
shiro supposes he finds it funny, in that exasperated, how-is-this-happening sort of way. they’ve circled back to this topic a few times now, each discussion never leading to anything concrete. their relationship continues to be this ambiguous, unspoken thing. it’s largely shiro’s fault, he realizes that. keith is young and inexperienced, and while that isn’t necessarily an excuse for being incapable of putting a label on what they’re doing here, in comparison to shiro, who has enough experience with relationships and commitments to have gotten engaged, it’s fair to cut keith some slack.
honestly, shiro can hardly articulate what the problem is at this point. he likes keith and keith likes him, that’s as plain as daylight. the desire is there; it’s so potent just from them kissing that sometimes shiro has to steal off to relieve his needs elsewhere, with someone who is not keith.
yeah. not keith…
don’t get sidetracked. he abandons that uneasy trail of thought before he can get lost in it, again. he just… can’t seem to catch traction with keith, even though he wants to. perhaps it’s because he’s over-thought and agonized and built up the pressure in his head, to the point that he doesn’t know how to ease beyond light touches. the timing has to be right. yeah? at this rate, it’s never going to be.
he sighs, taking comfort in not having the whole of keith’s attention on his face as he glances off to the side. ]
I thought so, too.
[ he pauses, weighing the words in his mind. it was easier thinking that, like only kinda being involved would protect their friendship. naïve, foolish thinking. he knows better than that. glancing down at keith then, shiro rubs at his back and gives a small, encouraging smile, a hint of nervousness in it. ]
But I’m finding it’s difficult to do anything in half-measures when it comes to you.
[ drawn in by the hug, keith turns his face, scarred cheek pressed to shiro's chest. it's the wrong side to be listening for a heart beat, but he stays quiet through one, then two cycles of breath, allowing himself to relax. not that relaxation is deserved; for all he knows the ghost monster can materialize through the walls of shiro's cube at any moment. then they'll have to teleport out with the wolf, rinse and repeat until ... what?
they give her what she wants?
kinda being with him just sounds like a massive headache, though keith doesn't breathe life into that. instead, he slowly brings his arm up to wrap around shiro's waist. already in a self chastising mood, keith misinterprets.
...Sorry. I really don't mean to drag you or anyone else into messes like this. Together kinda together or not at all.
[ … they’re talking about two different things. embarrassment comes with the realization, because wow, shiro’s thinking about the status of their relationship while keith is talking about a vengeful ghost and how he shouldn’t be made to be kind of involved. though, keith said kind of together; he had to have been referencing their last conversation on their dating situation, right? kind of together as a team, when a threat is involved doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. when have they ever been anything less than all in for each other’s safety?
gah. he’s going about this wrong. he’s wasting energy trying to figure out how they got here, rather than figuring out how to get them past this.
the easy option is to forget before and pick up here, to go right along with the ghost situation. prudent, too, seeing as that’s the immediate threat. but shiro had just been exasperated and weary over circling back to this same conversation; if he doesn’t want to revisit it again, at least not in this same uncertain, murky way of theirs, maybe they should spend the few minutes to tidy it up. ]
That’s not what I meant.
[ hand pausing at keith’s mid-back, shiro stares down, eyeing the sprouted hair at the crown of keith’s head. ]
I meant it’s hard being kinda together with you because I’d rather be together-together with you.
[ keith looks up before he's ready with a response. visibly caught off guard, he blinks, expression owlish for the three beats it takes for his brain to catch up with the current of conversation. ]
Together-together ... as in ...
[ boyfriend. the word keith is looking for is boyfriend, but breathing life into the concept comes with the incredible risk of falling flat on his face if he's misinterpreted. keith isn't sure how else he ought to be taking shiro's words, but if there's one thing keith's learned never to underestimate, it's his debatable social skill.
another beat, and keith is glad he kept his mouth shut. how does one even manage being boyfirneds in a place like this? what would that even mean or look like? and would shiro really want him as a boyfriend if he knew about the many trysts he's had with anon? the note he's still holding onto from that night with the words you mean a lot to me written on them?
boyfriends means a lot of things -- keith would assume monogamy is built into that. of course, polyamory and all that exist, but it's... yet another thing keith had never quite envisioned for himself, despite actively living that messed up reality. uncertain of how to feel, and unable to answer why he hasn't thrown that note away, keith convinces himself boyfriend isn't what shiro's getting at.
what it could be is the other thing that porn prison puts front and center in their daily lives keith's face warms as he subtly ducks eye contact to look at the wall. together-together is a real convoluted euphemism for sex to start with, but would shiro really even be suggesting that now?]
I'm... lost. I think I'm doing that whole more-deeper thing again.
[ keith’s going to make him do it, isn’t he? explain it. shiro pulls his hand free and then he’s got it to his face, eyes closed as he knocks his face down into the cupping of his hand. thumb to one temple, fingers to the other, he massages the tension, groaning pitifully. ]
Yeah. Sorry. This is a really bad time to bring this up.
[ he doesn’t come up. he’s still got his eyes closed, part hiding into his hand. ]
I thought you were bringing it up but – I guess not? [ stop shoving the blame onto keith; it isn’t his fault shiro heard what he heard and jumped right into it.
and he doesn’t know why his brain immediately went there. maybe it’s the whole thing with the ghost. that keith is in danger and still thinking he should go at it alone, like shiro wouldn’t be completely devastated if something were to happen to him. same with the punishment of solitary confinement. yes, the tablet burned and maybe there wasn’t any time to send him a message anyway, but the point remains that, sometimes, shiro feels like he’s only kind of privy to what’s going on in keith’s life. and he’d like to change that. to be more involved and more aware, to better take care of him.
not that they need to be boyfriends for that to happen, but it’s a course of action that, oddly, makes sense to shiro, despite their surroundings. they’re fighting inevitability here. shiro likes keith and keith likes shiro; more than that, they desire each other, don’t they? yes, he thinks with certainty. it got muddled along the way due, largely, to shiro, and now, he’d like to correct that, so that they can lean into each other more fully. ]
Just…
[ he draws a breath and releases it on a sigh, one that punctuates the dropping of his hand and the opening of his eyes. he looks down at him then, cupping behind his shoulder. ]
I don’t want to kind of be together or sort of go steady. My feelings for you are a lot more… all in than that.
[ keith is instantly sorry for the amount of exasperation shiro must be feeling. he manages to hold his tongue, but the twinge of guilt burns as shiro rubs at his temple. he's not good at this. who'd have thought pushing everyone away and then having his young adult life uprooted by a space war would have some negative consequences for his ability to talk relationships and feelings and --
keith sighs, trying to expel the combination of defensiveness and self reproach before either can take root. right now, all he has to do is listen to shiro and wait for clarity. he's lucky, he supposes, in that shiro is patient and doesn't just brush this whole thing off with a 'whatever' and get right back to business and talk ghost busting.
still, it makes keith blink and take a half step back to try and get a clearer look at shiro''s face. so then, this is about boyfriends? keith tries not to stare, but he's about three seconds too late for that resolve to mean much of anything. ]
Wow. You uh... really weren't kidding about the bad timing.
[ the words start out fazed, ending on a sheepish laugh. fuck -- what even is his own reaction? his head feels strangely empty and as if to compensate his chest feels full. he wants to enjoy this, but in the back of his mind he keeps thinking about anon and that affection laden note and doesn't know if he ought to be feeling guilty or ashamed or what.
perhaps nothing at all because he doesn't necessarily want anon the way he wants to be around shiro, but it still feels disqualifying to be keeping a tiny part of anon locked away in his cube. glancing down at his feet, keith worries at his lower lip briefly. ]
I... you already know that you mean more to me than I know how to say.
[ but? is there a but? keith looks up, with a worn smile. ]
[ yeah, what is that reaction? keith agreeing with him in this case isn’t a bad thing necessarily. expected, if shiro’s honest. keith doesn’t have much of a filter, shiro knows that, and that shoddy editing system is often made worse when the boy is caught by surprise. so really, shiro brought this upon himself. it’s his fault keith blurts out the first thing that comes to mind, rather than taking an extra moment to empathize and piece together something nice and tidy to preserve shiro’s self-confidence. stop it, he tells himself; that was petty, wasn’t it?
guilt dots at his mood, adding to the agitation of him not being able to anticipate where this is going. the movement back, as well as the amount of time it’s taking for keith to look the tiniest bit happy should be answer enough for him: keith isn’t all in. it’s a foreign realization. maybe he’s taken keith for granted. his loyalty is steadfast and his favor intense; it’s not arrogant of shiro to recognize that he’s been a focal point of keith’s for years. he just thought… – since everything has been progressing so well between them in the quiet, intimate moments they manage to find in this place, that they could try for a little more.
but keith’s biting at his lip and looking down, and again, shiro wonders if that’s meant to be his answer. keith started out wanting everything in the beginning, but now he – doesn’t? hesitated too long. shiro exhales slowly through his nose, shoulders drooping bit by bit until his lungs are nearly empty. it’s a reset on his outlook; when he inhales, he pushes away the sore, disappointed feelings, and reminds himself that keith is the most important person to him. his friendship, above all else, is what needs to be kept safe between them. he’s not going to make this harder than it needs to be.
it helps, at least, that keith throws him a bone by reminding him that he means a lot to him. then why not? why not more? because of where they are? because keith’s found more comfort with someone else? stop it, he tells himself again, and musters up a small smile that does very little to brighten his expression. he drops his hands from keith, giving up the hug and the caress at his shoulder, only to resume contact by taking his hand with his left. he holds his fingers gently, thumb skirting across his knuckles. ]
[ is there a but coming? spun straight back to that question he'd been asking himself, keith glances down at their joint hands, twisting his wrist to interlace their fingers and squeeze. an already stupid question manages to sound even stupider said in shiro's voice.
of course there's no "but." as much as keith tries to keep some information withheld from shiro on account of shiro's well being, affection isn't something he needs to ration and be careful with. not with shiro. if anything, it's his feelings about anonymous that needs to be kept under tighter wraps and closer scrutiny. or perhaps cut off entirely?
you mean a lot to me.
why is he so hung up on what might've just been a throwaway line meant to get him to relax and spread his legs? because it came with a fucking dorky smiley? why is he even thinking about this when anon's feelings towards him are completely unrelated to this moment where he should be happy that shiro is telling him that he cares? keith looks up then, throat tight and shakes his head. ]
There isn't one. [ he manages a huffed almost self-deprecating laugh and smiles. ] I guess...I don't know what I'm doing. I'm nervous? I've never been together-together with anyone and I dunno if I'll be any good at it .. you know. Here.
[ not the cell, but porn prison as a whole. keith gestures vaguely around them just to try and make that a bit clearer. ]
... and I guess I just thought you didn't want to. With me.
[ there isn’t any hesitation in putting his fingers between his and lacing them up tight; so that, at the very least, is encouraging. it helps settle the anxious feeling roiling his stomach. the dread isn’t so suffocating, either, like he isn’t about to be talked down from all his hopes and expectations. he’s been through that already. adam did that. with far less grace and humility than someone who had a ring really ought to have shown. he’d simply removed himself from shiro’s life, washing his hands clean of any empathy or remorse, because of course, his inability to care was shiro’s fault.
likening this to a broken engagement is embarrassing on his part; they aren’t exactly dating, so does this even qualify as being dumped? he’s saved from having to reflect deeper for some sort of label, because thankfully, there’s a denial and a smile, all of it quickly becoming clear.
oh.
hindsight is twenty-twenty and now that he’s on this side of it, shiro finds it quite remarkable that he didn’t jump to this instead. nervous. keith is scared of messing up. just as shiro's feared himself – still fears, honestly.
relief comes and he laughs, a little, on a puffed exhale as keith gestures around. it’s the worst place to have a relationship, shiro isn’t blind to that, but the thought of being nothing to keith, while other people become everything in comfort, in pleasure… well, navigating a relationship here seems like the lesser evil to his peace of mind. ]
I want you.
[ it’s surprisingly easy to say. it’s the aftermath that catches him; he goes awkward in the curve of his smile and then he’s looking down, giving their joined hands a little swing. ]
Have for awhile. [ he knocks his head to the side, still watching their hands. ] I’ve been trying to figure out how to transition into it, you know… smoothly. But I, uh… [ heh; he laughs in exasperated amusement. ] Well. I guess I’m not any good at this, either.
[ awhile. truthfully, it's difficult to reconcile that with the argument they had in which shiro offered to help then just as quickly retracted it. since then, the whole subject's felt like a field of mines that needed to be tiptoed around or avoided entirely,
obviously, judging from shiro's apparent struggling here, that isn't a perspective that's just in keith's head. it'd stung at first -- of course it did. thinking that shiro would rather be pursuing other guys like toji, but whatever sour feeling that'd left in his belly has receded over time. if anything, it'd actually been kinda nice to have a relationship here that wasn't defined by or built on sex.
so with that in mind, is keith really okay with letting that go?
is it selfish to say yes if that means not having to wake up in the middle of the night to find shiro has presumably snuck off to have a tryst? keith gives shiro's hand another squeeze before huffing and abandoning the uncharitable thought. there's enough here to unpack already without adding hypocrisy to the mix. ]
But you're good at everything.
[ teasing delivered with the lightest of fist bumps to shiro's chest, keith smiles. sure. his tone is facetious but the underlying sentiment isn't. shiro's an inspiration in just about every aspect. ]
[ no he’s not, he’s really not. shiro knows all his shortcomings well. there used to be a time when shiro would preen at the praise; back when his record was golden and he had the hubris of a youth unburdened by anything beyond his own time clock. now, however, it’s difficult to find delight in something he knows to be false. arguing the point would accomplish nothing, though. perhaps, he might feel satisfied saying the denial, but that two second high would wilt and curdle. he doesn’t want to make keith feel foolish. so he doesn’t. he lets the teasing stand, merely quirking a small, lopsided smile in answer.
it still feels as though keith’s heart isn’t in this. like he’s trying to wind them around the topic, without ever saying yes to it. shiro doesn’t know how to feel about that. keith is welcome to say no; it’ll sting, yes, but it’s a far better option than keith committing to something he isn’t happy for. still, it’s difficult to reconcile that. what shiro said is true: he’s not any good at this sort of thing. but he thought… – he’s been certain that keith has been of similar feeling. it’s strange to come to terms with the idea that shiro may be far more attached than keith is. ]
We can figure out how to be better at this together.
[ he hates that he’s coming off as pleading, perhaps not in voice but in the words themselves, like he’s having to convince keith to give this, to give him a chance. it’s only made more embarrassing by the fact that they have an audience. shiro doesn’t glance his way, but he’s certain the space wolf is watching, fascinated, by shiro’s crashing and burning.
he looks up, instead, drawing his gaze from the floor to look keith in the eyes. ]
For the record, I’m nervous, too. You mean a lot to me.
[ some days, when he slips in thought and goes heartsick, he thinks less in terms of a lot and moves right onto everything. there isn’t a whole lot that is stable and secure in shiro’s life. keith’s a rock, though. he keeps shiro focused and confident in who he is and where he’s meant to be going in his every day, whether here or back with voltron. it’s a dependency, one that shiro isn’t necessarily proud of or comfortable having… but all the same, it’s there.
which begs the question: is attaching himself further to keith healthy? is it fair to keith? he squeezes at keith’s hand, not wanting to acknowledge his selfishness in this. ]
And yeah, I get it. This is a terrible place to try this, but… [ he licks his lips, considering; brow furrowing. ] I’m not going to let shitty circumstances dictate how I should feel about you.
[ a beat for a steadying breath. ]
I want you. [ it feels necessary to reiterate that. ] I want you so much sometimes I don’t know what to do with myself. So… [ and he wavers, because was that too much? way too much honesty? ah well, no turning back now. ] I wanna call you my boyfriend, if you want that, too.
[ dos he really? the question begs to be asked, but hearing shiro use the term boyfriend is thought terminating. keith blinks. it shouldn't be surprising, except it kind of is because they've been avoiding using specific labels to define their relationship. boyfriend is a hell of a lot less ambiguous than "kinda together" and hearing it said in shiro's voice makes his heart skip beats.
going doe eyed in the moment, keith stares and clutches shiro's hand just a pinch tighter. i want you so much sometimes i don't know what to do with myself is an obvious exaggeration, right? and yet weirdly enough it sheds new light onto that night keith woke up alone, abandoned a sad little search for shiro to fuck anon, came back to the cube feeling guilty only to find shiro's side of the bed still empty. he'd assumed then, that shiro must've decided to be with another lover for a while, and when the thought made keith feel one too many sour feelings, abandoned the thought entirely.
c'est la vie in porn prison. the hell is the point of his jealous hypocrisy when they could both just find slices of fulfillment with other people? it's impossible to be anyone's everything, so the disappointment makes little sense. it's just ... that for so long, shiro realy had been keith's everything and regardless of how stupid of an enedavor it might be, keith thought maybe he could be that for shiro too.
coming to terms with the reality of their situation and their kinda-relationnship has been confusing and difficult, but keith had honestly found some sort of twisted in pride in being a big enough person that in the process of learning to deal, their friendship hadn't soured one bit.
but perhaps none of that had been wholly necessary. ]
You .. really want that?
[ ....and fuck. keith hadn't actually meant to ask shiro to repeat himself. heart hammering, keith ignores the way his face warms with embarrassment. the damage is done though, his hopefulness hung bright on his sleeve for shiro to see. ]
I mean -- I'd like that. [ a lot? keith considers tacking that on, but worried about over explaining himself, he instead clears his throat. ] I just seriously thought ... you wanted to be with other people only for ... y'know. Sentences.
[ it still takes time for keith to agree. the first thing he manages to say isn’t even that, though the answer is clear in the earnestness of his voice. shiro breathes out his relief, still a touch anxious from laying everything out to be picked apart and analyzed, but the more time passes, the easier it is to focus on keith’s face and every hint of hopefulness in his expression. shiro quirks a smile, one that pulls harder to one side, and then he gives their joined hands another, little shake, swinging them almost playfully. ]
That was the initial plan.
[ still… is…? somewhat. he doesn’t know. there are certain things on his sentence sheet that he’s uncertain he wants to expose keith to, at least in association with him. multiple penetration, dogging, paddling, leashes, prostitution… – they can probably figure out a way to get around some of those, but just the idea of bringing them up to keith, to then have to discuss how to make it work for them, seems almost more damaging than finding some random inmate for a night.
or anonymous.
how does anonymous factor into all of this? is he saying goodbye to anonymous now that he has keith? guilt plagues him in the way he hesitates on giving himself an answer. is it considered cheating if he occasionally meets with anonymous, even though they both know they can’t maintain exclusivity here? is it cheating if anonymous may very well be –
no. anonymous and keith are not one in the same.
pushing the thought off for now, shiro weakens the sway of their hands and ends with a brushing of his thumb across keith’s, smile softer, more apologetic. ]
I… [ already trailing off; he clears his throat, face ducking slightly. ] Frankly, I don’t know how this is going to work. I’m flying blind here, too. [ he wants it to work, though. they’ll figure it out and navigate the bumps, just as they always do. ] I just want you to know that I care about you and that… maybe, if you’re comfortable with it, we could mark off some sentences together, too.
[ a pause. he furrows his brow, hastily amending. ]
Or not even sentences. That makes it sound like an obligation. Which, with you, it’s not.
[ keith watches the casual swing of their hands with a helpless smile. so neither of them know how dating works when stuck in porn prison. that's... reassuring? the absurdity makes him stutter a laugh, though a beat later keith wrestles that pinch of levity into a more subdued smile,
granted, he still doesn't know what to think of the fact that shiro wants to do sentences together. at first, it'd been him insisting on it out of a greater perceived comfort, but time has paradoxically eorded keith's certainty on that front. the sex keith has had here has largely been coerced in some form, either by perceived necessity or by aphrodisiac. the times it's been purely voluntary, it's been with a guy he doesn't know. though keith doesn't think he would have chosen that for himself either, he's found comfort in not having his identity attached to his body or to his pleasure. it ought to be awkward and more vulnerable, but instead keith has found freedom in being able to explore without judgment.
he bites his lip, nervous and first buys himself time to think with: ]
Well, I guess it makes me feel better to think you don't have a whole contract written out for how you want things to work here.
[ he laughs, giving shiro's hand a swing and a squeeze. perhaps it's thinking about sentences explicitly that's giving keith pause? his sheet is, in a word, nasty and while he can readily imagine that it would be nice to explore each other as it happens, the prospect of negotiating any of the harder kinks still makes keith turn hesitant.
then again, maybe comfort is a luxury neither of them really can afford. they are, after all, meant to fighting a war. this time, keith sighs heavily, breath gently lifting his bangs. ]
I think.... I can trust you with anything on my sentence sheet, [ a breath. ] ...But I still don't know how to feel about half the stuff on it. I know that's selfish because going back to ojr realities is the top priority, but...
[ he trails off, not quite looking shiro in the eye. aside from the necessity of returning to the war, returning to their realities would mean saying goodby e to this shiro, wouldn't it? ignoring the sudden pang in his chest, keith swallows. ]
... I guess what I'm tying to say is that I care about you too, and I don't want that sheet to dictate anything between us.
[ starting with a joke is good. hearing keith’s laugh is reassuring. soothing, too, though it feels more embarrassing to admit that keith’s laugh acts as some sort of catharsis. he smiles to the sound of it, but otherwise keeps his tongue still, anticipating that that isn’t the end of it. so, he lets keith gather his thoughts, as well as his words, and ultimately, they’re set back on the course of a more sober tone.
strangely enough, shiro almost laughs now. shiro started off that way. it’s just sex. uncomfortable and awkward when coerced, but compared to the things they’ve seen or done due to the galra empire’s rule, they should have been able to check through their sentence sheets within, at the very least, a month. even a month, he thought, would be pushing it. afterall, getting back to continue the war was far more important than any of their individual comforts. but he didn’t push the team as he should have and he didn’t help them as he should have. and somewhere along the way, shiro got all tangled up inside his own hang-ups, now with four months under his belt, and a sentence sheet that’s not even half finished.
so maybe he takes it back. maybe he does want to specifically check off sentences with keith. he’ll have to check in with the other three, make sure they’re getting along too, because he refuses to leave until everyone goes before him but… getting close to the finish line with keith would be preferable. right?
he shifts closer, body swaying and foot gently knocking against keith’s. ] We can look over our sheets together, see what could work for us… [ he lets that hang for half a breath and then tacks on: ] – But after.
[ he lifts his metal hand and brushes keith’s bangs to the side, briefly opening up his face to, hopefully, encourage the boy to meet his eyes. ]
[ it works like a charm. keith does look up as shiro brushes the hair from his face, the crease of his brow clearing with a more open smile. there are still some unknowns here that keith isn't sure how to navigate beyond what has been discussed so far. his body being what it is for starters. while he doesn't expect shiro to be horrified exactly, it's still a part of himself that he hasn't shared with shiro yet.
on some level that feels... wrong because a few other inmates have dealt with keith in that capacity, but perhaps not having much choice in the matter had made that easier. so if sharing himself with anon, clear headed and as free of coercion as this place can get was the next step, then sharing himself with shiro because that's the next development in their relationship is probably a huge leap forward, huh? exciting and yet... kinda daunting, too.
the thought gets little traction. an impatient wolf comes trotting over to butt his face into keith's open palm with a whine. keith glances down with a soft laugh, automatically skritching behind his ears.]
Heh. Okay, sorry. I know, we're supposed to be figuring out what to do about the ghost situation so you know when it's okay to nap.
[ but he looks up again at shiro, expression moony as he squeezes his hand. ]
.. but that sounds good. I'd like that. Kinda wish it could always just be about us.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
fair point
adam hadn’t laughed anything like this.
shiro’s grin spreads even wider, the stretch pulling so incessantly that his cheeks ache with it. it’s fine though. it’s good, because right here, right now, for a few very precious moments, everything is right in this fucked up world. is it too cheesy to say keith’s laughter is rejuvenating? fine, shiro won’t say it. he feels it, though. it flutters shiro’s chest with happy, giddy feeling and has him squirming, just a little, in his seat from the onslaught of pride he feels for causing this. this is worth everything: keith carefree and unapologetic in his delight, if only temporary. it’s a good look, one that shiro wishes his best friend kept to far more often.
distance quickly becomes the enemy. shiro huffs and leans forward, one hand bracing to the floor and the other reaching for keith. ]
Me? No. That’s you.
[ he grasps keith’s thigh and pulls, trying to drag keith by the leg closer. it’s a movement that’s only going to happen if keith helps by scooting along. either way, shiro keeps leaning in, already well into keith’s space. ]
You’re the one giggling over dancing pecs. [ adorably goes unsaid. ] And the one who’s so charmed that you’re going to kiss the extremely talented guy with the…
[ the space wolf is growling. it starts suddenly, with the wolf’s ears flattening back. shiro stops short and loses all traces of mirth to instead, shoot the wolf an exasperated look, voice annoyed. ]
Come on. [ the wolf isn’t looking at him though. for a creature who is voicing his disdain for shiro making a move on his favorite person, the wolf is very interested in the wall opposite the door. ] Do you really have a problem with… – huh?
[ there’s movement out of the corner of his eye and then he’s matching the wolf’s stare to the other wall where something simply materializes through it. something, no – someone? she doesn’t look right. she doesn’t feel right. ]
Keith.
[ the wolf is already on that side, up now and sufficiently blocking keith from this new, unwanted presence. shiro lets go of keith’s leg but he’s pushing him to move, to get up and get to the door, to at the very least, put some distance between them all. probably the best course of actin to take, considering the greeting ends up being an ominous: ]
ғᴏᴜɴᴅ ʏᴏᴜ.
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nothing about her is recognizable. the corpse in the trunk had been badly decayed, and any semblance of a face had long been mummified. this ... thing could be that body, it could be fucking anything else for all keith knows, but when it speaks, she speaks with a voice like nails splintering on a chalkboard. keith flinches back, hand reaching for a knife and a bayard that aren't there. panic sets in a moment later when she surveys the three of them with empty sockets and speaks: ]
ʏᴏᴜ ᴛᴏᴏᴋ ᴡʜᴀᴛ's ᴍɪɴᴇ, ʟɪᴛᴛʟᴇ ᴛʜɪᴇғ. ɢɪᴠᴇ ɪᴛ ʙᴀᴄᴋ.
[ eyes widening in alarm, keith doesn't even bother trying to piece out what it is she's even talking about. the paper? the trinket? the container? all three? right now, that's not a mystery that's important to him. right now, what's important is grabbing hold of shiro's shirt and tugging insistently to keep his best friend from getting any closer to the threat. ]
I don't know what you're talking about!
[ the wolf growls, baring pointy teeth in warning. the ghost shrieks, flailing rotting arms wildly as she pitches forward. ]
ʟɪᴀʀ!! ʟɪᴀʀ! ʟɪᴀʀ! ʟɪᴀʀ! ɢɪᴠᴇ ɪᴛ ʙᴀᴄᴋ!!
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Keith.
[ again, imploring keith to move and to get behind him, as well as to safety, shiro knocks that hand away to push keith harder. the space wolf is holding the front line and shiro won’t fight him for it, but he does fight keith to get into the next line of defense. he scrambles on his knees, still so vulnerable. he turns though and upon facing the spirit, monster, whatever this cursed thing is, fluorescent purple lights up the lines of his arm. ]
He doesn’t have it!
[ right keith…? it’s only then that shiro realizes keith never said who wound up with the trinket or the paper. something to ponder later when there isn’t a threat screeching and pitching forward.
will his arm work on her? how can he possibly brawl with something that can materialize through solid objects? doubt fuels the panic. as long as he can distract her long enough for keith to gain some distance, if he would simply cooperate…
the space wolf kicks a hind leg back, knocking into shiro. that growling face looks back at him, but shiro’s gaze is immediately pulled to the creature coming forward and coming fast, limbs frantic and face twisted up with a fury that demands violence. breath catches and shiro tries to say keith’s name again, feeling him at his back where shiro is still trying to push him with his other hand.
and then zap. everything changes.
this is how he winds up staring at the wall of his own cube. he only knows it’s his cube once he turns his head, seeing the familiar bed and the little stacks of ramen boxes on the counter. ]
Oh.
[ he looks behind him and there’s keith. or more so, there’s the space wolf, bullying keith by sheer weight to push him down on the ground and lick his face in a show of relief and affection. shiro feels it too; relief. but it’s soured with the knowledge that this is only a temporary fix. he swallows down that unease, trying to keep his voice clear of it. ]
Good thinking. That’ll buy us some time.
[ … hmph. here shiro is, on the rare occasion of complimenting the space wolf, and the space wolf can’t be bothered to acknowledge him. he simply keeps nuzzling keith’s face. guess shiro can't blame him. ]
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it doesn't matter. at least not right now. both the wolf and shiro are standing in front of him and all keith can think is that it's his fault that they're in any danger right now. that he borught this upon the two of them. teeth grit, he doesn't get any further in the plan to try and push shiro out of the way because there's a white flash. next thing he knows, he's on his back with two heavy paws pressing on his chest and a tongue spreading slobber across his chin and neck. the disorientation isn't helped in the slightest by the fact that his view of the ceiling gives him no real indication of where the fuck the wolf teleported him.
or wait-- ]
Shiro!
[ he starts, trying to nudge the wolf's snout away to sit up. the wolf huffs as if to say keith pls. it's a rather unnecessary bit of chiding if only because shiro speaks in the following beat and keith finally gets a more useful view of their bed. only then does keith actually relax a bit, throwing an arm around the wolf to lean against his side. ]
Thanks.
[ the word is murmured against the wolf's fur, relief plainly audible though he isn't optimistic enough to think the danger has actually passed. the feeling that something is out looking for him isn't just a feeling anymore, but some dangerous monster intent on chasing keith down. meaning .... of course, that lance and angel are likely in trouble as well? and as long as he sticks close to shiro and the wolf that those two will be in danger too?
keith glances up, expression exhausted as he calls out to shiro. ]
I... I shouldn't stay here. If that thing is gonna follow me, I can't put you at risk.
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when was the last time he checked in on lance, pidge, hunk anyway? they certainly don’t operate as a team here. perhaps they aren’t shiro’s responsibility any longer.
there on the floor, shiro watches the space wolf fawn over his sole responsibility and feels oddly inadequate in the moment. he’s failing a lot of people right now, isn’t he? refusing to sit there and wallow in his own shortcomings, shiro pushes himself to his feet instead. shirt or tablet first? the fact that he’s still thinking to delay, even a few seconds, from sending lance a text is another mark against him.
tablet there on the counter, shiro stops before it and starts tapping away with metal fingers. hopefully lance isn’t also suffering from an inability to touch without suffering a burn. ]
And I can’t be expected to sit by while this thing hunts you down.
[ the retort comes easy. shiro doesn’t even look up. text sent, one asking a generalized status report, shiro looks over to keith then, mouth half-tilted and worn. ]
You know I’ll never agree to that, best save your breath.
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That thing is after me.
[ can keith be said to be keith if he were content to be the one putting others at risk? ]
There's no reason for you to be dragged into this mess, too. Shiro, if you got hurt, I don't think I'd be able to forgive myself, you know?
[ it's an argument that's likely going to fall on deaf ears. as much as keith loves shiro, sometimes arguing with him can be like arguing with a brick wall. giving the wold a gentle pat, keith spares him an apologetic look before brushing him aside to walk the short distance to where shiro is standing. hesitant but determined, keith touches his arm gripping it tight. ]
I said I wouldn't let anything hurt you.
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keith’s been part of his life for years, even in the gaps that have kept them apart. shiro doesn’t know how he’d be able to function if that stable fixture was ripped away.
so is shiro being more selfless or more selfish in refusing to go? is he doing this more for keith or more for himself? afterall, the more self-preserving option is not, in fact, the one that has shiro running off to safety. ]
Well, I’m not going to let anything hurt you, either. [ he’s certain he’s said more or less the same vow before, but a little reiteration never hurt anyone. he smiles a little more fully, briefly alight with playful vibes. ] Can’t leave now and be a liar.
[ see what he did there? he sobers soon enough, the stretch of his smile once again wearing thin. still, he lets keith clutch at his arm as tight as he likes as he turns more into him, other hand coming around to cup, lightly, at the small of keith’s back. ]
Your problems are my problems, Keith. So I'm gonna be here for you, no matter the risks. We’re in this together, as always.
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sayingsaving his breath because the discussion's over before it's begun. just ... how is keith supposed to argue against this? they're just going to go in circles about who's more important and in the endd keith supposes it's kinda funny that they'd do this, but that doesn't extinguish his stubbornness. at least, not yet.he catches the smile on shiro's face and actually does a double take. shiro smiling isn't a rare sight or anything, but the fact that he's able to do so now, like this whole mess isn't a big deal just throws keith off enough that he forgets the script. instead he stares for a beat too long, expression longing before he finally gets it together enough to bump his forehead to shiro's pec.
fuck. maybe this whole situation really is stupid if they''re dodging ghosts with one shirt on between them. ]
Shiro.....
[ the name is whined, but that's it. that's the end of keith's resistance. he doesn't want to argue, he wants to keep shiro safe. not just shiro -- but the wolf, and nlance and angel and --
keith sighs, huffing a deep breath with his face still partly buried. ]
I thought we were only kind of together.
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and then the moment isn’t as smooth.
shiro supposes he finds it funny, in that exasperated, how-is-this-happening sort of way. they’ve circled back to this topic a few times now, each discussion never leading to anything concrete. their relationship continues to be this ambiguous, unspoken thing. it’s largely shiro’s fault, he realizes that. keith is young and inexperienced, and while that isn’t necessarily an excuse for being incapable of putting a label on what they’re doing here, in comparison to shiro, who has enough experience with relationships and commitments to have gotten engaged, it’s fair to cut keith some slack.
honestly, shiro can hardly articulate what the problem is at this point. he likes keith and keith likes him, that’s as plain as daylight. the desire is there; it’s so potent just from them kissing that sometimes shiro has to steal off to relieve his needs elsewhere, with someone who is not keith.
yeah. not keith…
don’t get sidetracked. he abandons that uneasy trail of thought before he can get lost in it, again. he just… can’t seem to catch traction with keith, even though he wants to. perhaps it’s because he’s over-thought and agonized and built up the pressure in his head, to the point that he doesn’t know how to ease beyond light touches. the timing has to be right. yeah? at this rate, it’s never going to be.
he sighs, taking comfort in not having the whole of keith’s attention on his face as he glances off to the side. ]
I thought so, too.
[ he pauses, weighing the words in his mind. it was easier thinking that, like only kinda being involved would protect their friendship. naïve, foolish thinking. he knows better than that. glancing down at keith then, shiro rubs at his back and gives a small, encouraging smile, a hint of nervousness in it. ]
But I’m finding it’s difficult to do anything in half-measures when it comes to you.
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they give her what she wants?
kinda being with him just sounds like a massive headache, though keith doesn't breathe life into that. instead, he slowly brings his arm up to wrap around shiro's waist. already in a self chastising mood, keith misinterprets.
...Sorry. I really don't mean to drag you or anyone else into messes like this. Together kinda together or not at all.
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gah. he’s going about this wrong. he’s wasting energy trying to figure out how they got here, rather than figuring out how to get them past this.
the easy option is to forget before and pick up here, to go right along with the ghost situation. prudent, too, seeing as that’s the immediate threat. but shiro had just been exasperated and weary over circling back to this same conversation; if he doesn’t want to revisit it again, at least not in this same uncertain, murky way of theirs, maybe they should spend the few minutes to tidy it up. ]
That’s not what I meant.
[ hand pausing at keith’s mid-back, shiro stares down, eyeing the sprouted hair at the crown of keith’s head. ]
I meant it’s hard being kinda together with you because I’d rather be together-together with you.
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Together-together ... as in ...
[ boyfriend. the word keith is looking for is boyfriend, but breathing life into the concept comes with the incredible risk of falling flat on his face if he's misinterpreted. keith isn't sure how else he ought to be taking shiro's words, but if there's one thing keith's learned never to underestimate, it's his debatable social skill.
another beat, and keith is glad he kept his mouth shut. how does one even manage being boyfirneds in a place like this? what would that even mean or look like? and would shiro really want him as a boyfriend if he knew about the many trysts he's had with anon? the note he's still holding onto from that night with the words you mean a lot to me written on them?
boyfriends means a lot of things -- keith would assume monogamy is built into that. of course, polyamory and all that exist, but it's... yet another thing keith had never quite envisioned for himself, despite actively living that messed up reality. uncertain of how to feel, and unable to answer why he hasn't thrown that note away, keith convinces himself boyfriend isn't what shiro's getting at.
what it could be is the other thing that porn prison puts front and center in their daily lives keith's face warms as he subtly ducks eye contact to look at the wall. together-together is a real convoluted euphemism for sex to start with, but would shiro really even be suggesting that now?]
I'm... lost. I think I'm doing that whole more-deeper thing again.
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Yeah. Sorry. This is a really bad time to bring this up.
[ he doesn’t come up. he’s still got his eyes closed, part hiding into his hand. ]
I thought you were bringing it up but – I guess not? [ stop shoving the blame onto keith; it isn’t his fault shiro heard what he heard and jumped right into it.
and he doesn’t know why his brain immediately went there. maybe it’s the whole thing with the ghost. that keith is in danger and still thinking he should go at it alone, like shiro wouldn’t be completely devastated if something were to happen to him. same with the punishment of solitary confinement. yes, the tablet burned and maybe there wasn’t any time to send him a message anyway, but the point remains that, sometimes, shiro feels like he’s only kind of privy to what’s going on in keith’s life. and he’d like to change that. to be more involved and more aware, to better take care of him.
not that they need to be boyfriends for that to happen, but it’s a course of action that, oddly, makes sense to shiro, despite their surroundings. they’re fighting inevitability here. shiro likes keith and keith likes shiro; more than that, they desire each other, don’t they? yes, he thinks with certainty. it got muddled along the way due, largely, to shiro, and now, he’d like to correct that, so that they can lean into each other more fully. ]
Just…
[ he draws a breath and releases it on a sigh, one that punctuates the dropping of his hand and the opening of his eyes. he looks down at him then, cupping behind his shoulder. ]
I don’t want to kind of be together or sort of go steady. My feelings for you are a lot more… all in than that.
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keith sighs, trying to expel the combination of defensiveness and self reproach before either can take root. right now, all he has to do is listen to shiro and wait for clarity. he's lucky, he supposes, in that shiro is patient and doesn't just brush this whole thing off with a 'whatever' and get right back to business and talk ghost busting.
still, it makes keith blink and take a half step back to try and get a clearer look at shiro''s face. so then, this is about boyfriends? keith tries not to stare, but he's about three seconds too late for that resolve to mean much of anything. ]
Wow. You uh... really weren't kidding about the bad timing.
[ the words start out fazed, ending on a sheepish laugh. fuck -- what even is his own reaction? his head feels strangely empty and as if to compensate his chest feels full. he wants to enjoy this, but in the back of his mind he keeps thinking about anon and that affection laden note and doesn't know if he ought to be feeling guilty or ashamed or what.
perhaps nothing at all because he doesn't necessarily want anon the way he wants to be around shiro, but it still feels disqualifying to be keeping a tiny part of anon locked away in his cube. glancing down at his feet, keith worries at his lower lip briefly. ]
I... you already know that you mean more to me than I know how to say.
[ but? is there a but? keith looks up, with a worn smile. ]
More than you know.
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guilt dots at his mood, adding to the agitation of him not being able to anticipate where this is going. the movement back, as well as the amount of time it’s taking for keith to look the tiniest bit happy should be answer enough for him: keith isn’t all in. it’s a foreign realization. maybe he’s taken keith for granted. his loyalty is steadfast and his favor intense; it’s not arrogant of shiro to recognize that he’s been a focal point of keith’s for years. he just thought… – since everything has been progressing so well between them in the quiet, intimate moments they manage to find in this place, that they could try for a little more.
but keith’s biting at his lip and looking down, and again, shiro wonders if that’s meant to be his answer. keith started out wanting everything in the beginning, but now he – doesn’t? hesitated too long. shiro exhales slowly through his nose, shoulders drooping bit by bit until his lungs are nearly empty. it’s a reset on his outlook; when he inhales, he pushes away the sore, disappointed feelings, and reminds himself that keith is the most important person to him. his friendship, above all else, is what needs to be kept safe between them. he’s not going to make this harder than it needs to be.
it helps, at least, that keith throws him a bone by reminding him that he means a lot to him. then why not? why not more? because of where they are? because keith’s found more comfort with someone else? stop it, he tells himself again, and musters up a small smile that does very little to brighten his expression. he drops his hands from keith, giving up the hug and the caress at his shoulder, only to resume contact by taking his hand with his left. he holds his fingers gently, thumb skirting across his knuckles. ]
Then why does it sound like there’s a but coming?
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of course there's no "but." as much as keith tries to keep some information withheld from shiro on account of shiro's well being, affection isn't something he needs to ration and be careful with. not with shiro. if anything, it's his feelings about anonymous that needs to be kept under tighter wraps and closer scrutiny. or perhaps cut off entirely?
you mean a lot to me.
why is he so hung up on what might've just been a throwaway line meant to get him to relax and spread his legs? because it came with a fucking dorky smiley? why is he even thinking about this when anon's feelings towards him are completely unrelated to this moment where he should be happy that shiro is telling him that he cares? keith looks up then, throat tight and shakes his head. ]
There isn't one. [ he manages a huffed almost self-deprecating laugh and smiles. ] I guess...I don't know what I'm doing. I'm nervous? I've never been together-together with anyone and I dunno if I'll be any good at it .. you know. Here.
[ not the cell, but porn prison as a whole. keith gestures vaguely around them just to try and make that a bit clearer. ]
... and I guess I just thought you didn't want to. With me.
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likening this to a broken engagement is embarrassing on his part; they aren’t exactly dating, so does this even qualify as being dumped? he’s saved from having to reflect deeper for some sort of label, because thankfully, there’s a denial and a smile, all of it quickly becoming clear.
oh.
hindsight is twenty-twenty and now that he’s on this side of it, shiro finds it quite remarkable that he didn’t jump to this instead. nervous. keith is scared of messing up. just as shiro's feared himself – still fears, honestly.
relief comes and he laughs, a little, on a puffed exhale as keith gestures around. it’s the worst place to have a relationship, shiro isn’t blind to that, but the thought of being nothing to keith, while other people become everything in comfort, in pleasure… well, navigating a relationship here seems like the lesser evil to his peace of mind. ]
I want you.
[ it’s surprisingly easy to say. it’s the aftermath that catches him; he goes awkward in the curve of his smile and then he’s looking down, giving their joined hands a little swing. ]
Have for awhile. [ he knocks his head to the side, still watching their hands. ] I’ve been trying to figure out how to transition into it, you know… smoothly. But I, uh… [ heh; he laughs in exasperated amusement. ] Well. I guess I’m not any good at this, either.
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obviously, judging from shiro's apparent struggling here, that isn't a perspective that's just in keith's head. it'd stung at first -- of course it did. thinking that shiro would rather be pursuing other guys like toji, but whatever sour feeling that'd left in his belly has receded over time. if anything, it'd actually been kinda nice to have a relationship here that wasn't defined by or built on sex.
so with that in mind, is keith really okay with letting that go?
is it selfish to say yes if that means not having to wake up in the middle of the night to find shiro has presumably snuck off to have a tryst? keith gives shiro's hand another squeeze before huffing and abandoning the uncharitable thought. there's enough here to unpack already without adding hypocrisy to the mix. ]
But you're good at everything.
[ teasing delivered with the lightest of fist bumps to shiro's chest, keith smiles. sure. his tone is facetious but the underlying sentiment isn't. shiro's an inspiration in just about every aspect. ]
We can't both be bad at this.
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it still feels as though keith’s heart isn’t in this. like he’s trying to wind them around the topic, without ever saying yes to it. shiro doesn’t know how to feel about that. keith is welcome to say no; it’ll sting, yes, but it’s a far better option than keith committing to something he isn’t happy for. still, it’s difficult to reconcile that. what shiro said is true: he’s not any good at this sort of thing. but he thought… – he’s been certain that keith has been of similar feeling. it’s strange to come to terms with the idea that shiro may be far more attached than keith is. ]
We can figure out how to be better at this together.
[ he hates that he’s coming off as pleading, perhaps not in voice but in the words themselves, like he’s having to convince keith to give this, to give him a chance. it’s only made more embarrassing by the fact that they have an audience. shiro doesn’t glance his way, but he’s certain the space wolf is watching, fascinated, by shiro’s crashing and burning.
he looks up, instead, drawing his gaze from the floor to look keith in the eyes. ]
For the record, I’m nervous, too. You mean a lot to me.
[ some days, when he slips in thought and goes heartsick, he thinks less in terms of a lot and moves right onto everything. there isn’t a whole lot that is stable and secure in shiro’s life. keith’s a rock, though. he keeps shiro focused and confident in who he is and where he’s meant to be going in his every day, whether here or back with voltron. it’s a dependency, one that shiro isn’t necessarily proud of or comfortable having… but all the same, it’s there.
which begs the question: is attaching himself further to keith healthy? is it fair to keith? he squeezes at keith’s hand, not wanting to acknowledge his selfishness in this. ]
And yeah, I get it. This is a terrible place to try this, but… [ he licks his lips, considering; brow furrowing. ] I’m not going to let shitty circumstances dictate how I should feel about you.
[ a beat for a steadying breath. ]
I want you. [ it feels necessary to reiterate that. ] I want you so much sometimes I don’t know what to do with myself. So… [ and he wavers, because was that too much? way too much honesty? ah well, no turning back now. ] I wanna call you my boyfriend, if you want that, too.
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going doe eyed in the moment, keith stares and clutches shiro's hand just a pinch tighter. i want you so much sometimes i don't know what to do with myself is an obvious exaggeration, right? and yet weirdly enough it sheds new light onto that night keith woke up alone, abandoned a sad little search for shiro to fuck anon, came back to the cube feeling guilty only to find shiro's side of the bed still empty. he'd assumed then, that shiro must've decided to be with another lover for a while, and when the thought made keith feel one too many sour feelings, abandoned the thought entirely.
c'est la vie in porn prison. the hell is the point of his jealous hypocrisy when they could both just find slices of fulfillment with other people? it's impossible to be anyone's everything, so the disappointment makes little sense. it's just ... that for so long, shiro realy had been keith's everything and regardless of how stupid of an enedavor it might be, keith thought maybe he could be that for shiro too.
coming to terms with the reality of their situation and their kinda-relationnship has been confusing and difficult, but keith had honestly found some sort of twisted in pride in being a big enough person that in the process of learning to deal, their friendship hadn't soured one bit.
but perhaps none of that had been wholly necessary. ]
You .. really want that?
[ ....and fuck. keith hadn't actually meant to ask shiro to repeat himself. heart hammering, keith ignores the way his face warms with embarrassment. the damage is done though, his hopefulness hung bright on his sleeve for shiro to see. ]
I mean -- I'd like that. [ a lot? keith considers tacking that on, but worried about over explaining himself, he instead clears his throat. ] I just seriously thought ... you wanted to be with other people only for ... y'know. Sentences.
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That was the initial plan.
[ still… is…? somewhat. he doesn’t know. there are certain things on his sentence sheet that he’s uncertain he wants to expose keith to, at least in association with him. multiple penetration, dogging, paddling, leashes, prostitution… – they can probably figure out a way to get around some of those, but just the idea of bringing them up to keith, to then have to discuss how to make it work for them, seems almost more damaging than finding some random inmate for a night.
or anonymous.
how does anonymous factor into all of this? is he saying goodbye to anonymous now that he has keith? guilt plagues him in the way he hesitates on giving himself an answer. is it considered cheating if he occasionally meets with anonymous, even though they both know they can’t maintain exclusivity here? is it cheating if anonymous may very well be –
no. anonymous and keith are not one in the same.
pushing the thought off for now, shiro weakens the sway of their hands and ends with a brushing of his thumb across keith’s, smile softer, more apologetic. ]
I… [ already trailing off; he clears his throat, face ducking slightly. ] Frankly, I don’t know how this is going to work. I’m flying blind here, too. [ he wants it to work, though. they’ll figure it out and navigate the bumps, just as they always do. ] I just want you to know that I care about you and that… maybe, if you’re comfortable with it, we could mark off some sentences together, too.
[ a pause. he furrows his brow, hastily amending. ]
Or not even sentences. That makes it sound like an obligation. Which, with you, it’s not.
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granted, he still doesn't know what to think of the fact that shiro wants to do sentences together. at first, it'd been him insisting on it out of a greater perceived comfort, but time has paradoxically eorded keith's certainty on that front. the sex keith has had here has largely been coerced in some form, either by perceived necessity or by aphrodisiac. the times it's been purely voluntary, it's been with a guy he doesn't know. though keith doesn't think he would have chosen that for himself either, he's found comfort in not having his identity attached to his body or to his pleasure. it ought to be awkward and more vulnerable, but instead keith has found freedom in being able to explore without judgment.
he bites his lip, nervous and first buys himself time to think with: ]
Well, I guess it makes me feel better to think you don't have a whole contract written out for how you want things to work here.
[ he laughs, giving shiro's hand a swing and a squeeze. perhaps it's thinking about sentences explicitly that's giving keith pause? his sheet is, in a word, nasty and while he can readily imagine that it would be nice to explore each other as it happens, the prospect of negotiating any of the harder kinks still makes keith turn hesitant.
then again, maybe comfort is a luxury neither of them really can afford. they are, after all, meant to fighting a war. this time, keith sighs heavily, breath gently lifting his bangs. ]
I think.... I can trust you with anything on my sentence sheet, [ a breath. ] ...But I still don't know how to feel about half the stuff on it. I know that's selfish because going back to ojr realities is the top priority, but...
[ he trails off, not quite looking shiro in the eye. aside from the necessity of returning to the war, returning to their realities would mean saying goodby e to this shiro, wouldn't it? ignoring the sudden pang in his chest, keith swallows. ]
... I guess what I'm tying to say is that I care about you too, and I don't want that sheet to dictate anything between us.
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strangely enough, shiro almost laughs now. shiro started off that way. it’s just sex. uncomfortable and awkward when coerced, but compared to the things they’ve seen or done due to the galra empire’s rule, they should have been able to check through their sentence sheets within, at the very least, a month. even a month, he thought, would be pushing it. afterall, getting back to continue the war was far more important than any of their individual comforts. but he didn’t push the team as he should have and he didn’t help them as he should have. and somewhere along the way, shiro got all tangled up inside his own hang-ups, now with four months under his belt, and a sentence sheet that’s not even half finished.
so maybe he takes it back. maybe he does want to specifically check off sentences with keith. he’ll have to check in with the other three, make sure they’re getting along too, because he refuses to leave until everyone goes before him but… getting close to the finish line with keith would be preferable. right?
he shifts closer, body swaying and foot gently knocking against keith’s. ] We can look over our sheets together, see what could work for us… [ he lets that hang for half a breath and then tacks on: ] – But after.
[ he lifts his metal hand and brushes keith’s bangs to the side, briefly opening up his face to, hopefully, encourage the boy to meet his eyes. ]
I want the first time to be about us.
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on some level that feels... wrong because a few other inmates have dealt with keith in that capacity, but perhaps not having much choice in the matter had made that easier. so if sharing himself with anon, clear headed and as free of coercion as this place can get was the next step, then sharing himself with shiro because that's the next development in their relationship is probably a huge leap forward, huh? exciting and yet... kinda daunting, too.
the thought gets little traction. an impatient wolf comes trotting over to butt his face into keith's open palm with a whine. keith glances down with a soft laugh, automatically skritching behind his ears.]
Heh. Okay, sorry. I know, we're supposed to be figuring out what to do about the ghost situation so you know when it's okay to nap.
[ but he looks up again at shiro, expression moony as he squeezes his hand. ]
.. but that sounds good. I'd like that. Kinda wish it could always just be about us.
[ a whine!! ]
...And you, too, buddy.