[ keith’s going to make him do it, isn’t he? explain it. shiro pulls his hand free and then he’s got it to his face, eyes closed as he knocks his face down into the cupping of his hand. thumb to one temple, fingers to the other, he massages the tension, groaning pitifully. ]
Yeah. Sorry. This is a really bad time to bring this up.
[ he doesn’t come up. he’s still got his eyes closed, part hiding into his hand. ]
I thought you were bringing it up but – I guess not? [ stop shoving the blame onto keith; it isn’t his fault shiro heard what he heard and jumped right into it.
and he doesn’t know why his brain immediately went there. maybe it’s the whole thing with the ghost. that keith is in danger and still thinking he should go at it alone, like shiro wouldn’t be completely devastated if something were to happen to him. same with the punishment of solitary confinement. yes, the tablet burned and maybe there wasn’t any time to send him a message anyway, but the point remains that, sometimes, shiro feels like he’s only kind of privy to what’s going on in keith’s life. and he’d like to change that. to be more involved and more aware, to better take care of him.
not that they need to be boyfriends for that to happen, but it’s a course of action that, oddly, makes sense to shiro, despite their surroundings. they’re fighting inevitability here. shiro likes keith and keith likes shiro; more than that, they desire each other, don’t they? yes, he thinks with certainty. it got muddled along the way due, largely, to shiro, and now, he’d like to correct that, so that they can lean into each other more fully. ]
Just…
[ he draws a breath and releases it on a sigh, one that punctuates the dropping of his hand and the opening of his eyes. he looks down at him then, cupping behind his shoulder. ]
I don’t want to kind of be together or sort of go steady. My feelings for you are a lot more… all in than that.
[ keith is instantly sorry for the amount of exasperation shiro must be feeling. he manages to hold his tongue, but the twinge of guilt burns as shiro rubs at his temple. he's not good at this. who'd have thought pushing everyone away and then having his young adult life uprooted by a space war would have some negative consequences for his ability to talk relationships and feelings and --
keith sighs, trying to expel the combination of defensiveness and self reproach before either can take root. right now, all he has to do is listen to shiro and wait for clarity. he's lucky, he supposes, in that shiro is patient and doesn't just brush this whole thing off with a 'whatever' and get right back to business and talk ghost busting.
still, it makes keith blink and take a half step back to try and get a clearer look at shiro''s face. so then, this is about boyfriends? keith tries not to stare, but he's about three seconds too late for that resolve to mean much of anything. ]
Wow. You uh... really weren't kidding about the bad timing.
[ the words start out fazed, ending on a sheepish laugh. fuck -- what even is his own reaction? his head feels strangely empty and as if to compensate his chest feels full. he wants to enjoy this, but in the back of his mind he keeps thinking about anon and that affection laden note and doesn't know if he ought to be feeling guilty or ashamed or what.
perhaps nothing at all because he doesn't necessarily want anon the way he wants to be around shiro, but it still feels disqualifying to be keeping a tiny part of anon locked away in his cube. glancing down at his feet, keith worries at his lower lip briefly. ]
I... you already know that you mean more to me than I know how to say.
[ but? is there a but? keith looks up, with a worn smile. ]
[ yeah, what is that reaction? keith agreeing with him in this case isn’t a bad thing necessarily. expected, if shiro’s honest. keith doesn’t have much of a filter, shiro knows that, and that shoddy editing system is often made worse when the boy is caught by surprise. so really, shiro brought this upon himself. it’s his fault keith blurts out the first thing that comes to mind, rather than taking an extra moment to empathize and piece together something nice and tidy to preserve shiro’s self-confidence. stop it, he tells himself; that was petty, wasn’t it?
guilt dots at his mood, adding to the agitation of him not being able to anticipate where this is going. the movement back, as well as the amount of time it’s taking for keith to look the tiniest bit happy should be answer enough for him: keith isn’t all in. it’s a foreign realization. maybe he’s taken keith for granted. his loyalty is steadfast and his favor intense; it’s not arrogant of shiro to recognize that he’s been a focal point of keith’s for years. he just thought… – since everything has been progressing so well between them in the quiet, intimate moments they manage to find in this place, that they could try for a little more.
but keith’s biting at his lip and looking down, and again, shiro wonders if that’s meant to be his answer. keith started out wanting everything in the beginning, but now he – doesn’t? hesitated too long. shiro exhales slowly through his nose, shoulders drooping bit by bit until his lungs are nearly empty. it’s a reset on his outlook; when he inhales, he pushes away the sore, disappointed feelings, and reminds himself that keith is the most important person to him. his friendship, above all else, is what needs to be kept safe between them. he’s not going to make this harder than it needs to be.
it helps, at least, that keith throws him a bone by reminding him that he means a lot to him. then why not? why not more? because of where they are? because keith’s found more comfort with someone else? stop it, he tells himself again, and musters up a small smile that does very little to brighten his expression. he drops his hands from keith, giving up the hug and the caress at his shoulder, only to resume contact by taking his hand with his left. he holds his fingers gently, thumb skirting across his knuckles. ]
[ is there a but coming? spun straight back to that question he'd been asking himself, keith glances down at their joint hands, twisting his wrist to interlace their fingers and squeeze. an already stupid question manages to sound even stupider said in shiro's voice.
of course there's no "but." as much as keith tries to keep some information withheld from shiro on account of shiro's well being, affection isn't something he needs to ration and be careful with. not with shiro. if anything, it's his feelings about anonymous that needs to be kept under tighter wraps and closer scrutiny. or perhaps cut off entirely?
you mean a lot to me.
why is he so hung up on what might've just been a throwaway line meant to get him to relax and spread his legs? because it came with a fucking dorky smiley? why is he even thinking about this when anon's feelings towards him are completely unrelated to this moment where he should be happy that shiro is telling him that he cares? keith looks up then, throat tight and shakes his head. ]
There isn't one. [ he manages a huffed almost self-deprecating laugh and smiles. ] I guess...I don't know what I'm doing. I'm nervous? I've never been together-together with anyone and I dunno if I'll be any good at it .. you know. Here.
[ not the cell, but porn prison as a whole. keith gestures vaguely around them just to try and make that a bit clearer. ]
... and I guess I just thought you didn't want to. With me.
[ there isn’t any hesitation in putting his fingers between his and lacing them up tight; so that, at the very least, is encouraging. it helps settle the anxious feeling roiling his stomach. the dread isn’t so suffocating, either, like he isn’t about to be talked down from all his hopes and expectations. he’s been through that already. adam did that. with far less grace and humility than someone who had a ring really ought to have shown. he’d simply removed himself from shiro’s life, washing his hands clean of any empathy or remorse, because of course, his inability to care was shiro’s fault.
likening this to a broken engagement is embarrassing on his part; they aren’t exactly dating, so does this even qualify as being dumped? he’s saved from having to reflect deeper for some sort of label, because thankfully, there’s a denial and a smile, all of it quickly becoming clear.
oh.
hindsight is twenty-twenty and now that he’s on this side of it, shiro finds it quite remarkable that he didn’t jump to this instead. nervous. keith is scared of messing up. just as shiro's feared himself – still fears, honestly.
relief comes and he laughs, a little, on a puffed exhale as keith gestures around. it’s the worst place to have a relationship, shiro isn’t blind to that, but the thought of being nothing to keith, while other people become everything in comfort, in pleasure… well, navigating a relationship here seems like the lesser evil to his peace of mind. ]
I want you.
[ it’s surprisingly easy to say. it’s the aftermath that catches him; he goes awkward in the curve of his smile and then he’s looking down, giving their joined hands a little swing. ]
Have for awhile. [ he knocks his head to the side, still watching their hands. ] I’ve been trying to figure out how to transition into it, you know… smoothly. But I, uh… [ heh; he laughs in exasperated amusement. ] Well. I guess I’m not any good at this, either.
[ awhile. truthfully, it's difficult to reconcile that with the argument they had in which shiro offered to help then just as quickly retracted it. since then, the whole subject's felt like a field of mines that needed to be tiptoed around or avoided entirely,
obviously, judging from shiro's apparent struggling here, that isn't a perspective that's just in keith's head. it'd stung at first -- of course it did. thinking that shiro would rather be pursuing other guys like toji, but whatever sour feeling that'd left in his belly has receded over time. if anything, it'd actually been kinda nice to have a relationship here that wasn't defined by or built on sex.
so with that in mind, is keith really okay with letting that go?
is it selfish to say yes if that means not having to wake up in the middle of the night to find shiro has presumably snuck off to have a tryst? keith gives shiro's hand another squeeze before huffing and abandoning the uncharitable thought. there's enough here to unpack already without adding hypocrisy to the mix. ]
But you're good at everything.
[ teasing delivered with the lightest of fist bumps to shiro's chest, keith smiles. sure. his tone is facetious but the underlying sentiment isn't. shiro's an inspiration in just about every aspect. ]
[ no he’s not, he’s really not. shiro knows all his shortcomings well. there used to be a time when shiro would preen at the praise; back when his record was golden and he had the hubris of a youth unburdened by anything beyond his own time clock. now, however, it’s difficult to find delight in something he knows to be false. arguing the point would accomplish nothing, though. perhaps, he might feel satisfied saying the denial, but that two second high would wilt and curdle. he doesn’t want to make keith feel foolish. so he doesn’t. he lets the teasing stand, merely quirking a small, lopsided smile in answer.
it still feels as though keith’s heart isn’t in this. like he’s trying to wind them around the topic, without ever saying yes to it. shiro doesn’t know how to feel about that. keith is welcome to say no; it’ll sting, yes, but it’s a far better option than keith committing to something he isn’t happy for. still, it’s difficult to reconcile that. what shiro said is true: he’s not any good at this sort of thing. but he thought… – he’s been certain that keith has been of similar feeling. it’s strange to come to terms with the idea that shiro may be far more attached than keith is. ]
We can figure out how to be better at this together.
[ he hates that he’s coming off as pleading, perhaps not in voice but in the words themselves, like he’s having to convince keith to give this, to give him a chance. it’s only made more embarrassing by the fact that they have an audience. shiro doesn’t glance his way, but he’s certain the space wolf is watching, fascinated, by shiro’s crashing and burning.
he looks up, instead, drawing his gaze from the floor to look keith in the eyes. ]
For the record, I’m nervous, too. You mean a lot to me.
[ some days, when he slips in thought and goes heartsick, he thinks less in terms of a lot and moves right onto everything. there isn’t a whole lot that is stable and secure in shiro’s life. keith’s a rock, though. he keeps shiro focused and confident in who he is and where he’s meant to be going in his every day, whether here or back with voltron. it’s a dependency, one that shiro isn’t necessarily proud of or comfortable having… but all the same, it’s there.
which begs the question: is attaching himself further to keith healthy? is it fair to keith? he squeezes at keith’s hand, not wanting to acknowledge his selfishness in this. ]
And yeah, I get it. This is a terrible place to try this, but… [ he licks his lips, considering; brow furrowing. ] I’m not going to let shitty circumstances dictate how I should feel about you.
[ a beat for a steadying breath. ]
I want you. [ it feels necessary to reiterate that. ] I want you so much sometimes I don’t know what to do with myself. So… [ and he wavers, because was that too much? way too much honesty? ah well, no turning back now. ] I wanna call you my boyfriend, if you want that, too.
[ dos he really? the question begs to be asked, but hearing shiro use the term boyfriend is thought terminating. keith blinks. it shouldn't be surprising, except it kind of is because they've been avoiding using specific labels to define their relationship. boyfriend is a hell of a lot less ambiguous than "kinda together" and hearing it said in shiro's voice makes his heart skip beats.
going doe eyed in the moment, keith stares and clutches shiro's hand just a pinch tighter. i want you so much sometimes i don't know what to do with myself is an obvious exaggeration, right? and yet weirdly enough it sheds new light onto that night keith woke up alone, abandoned a sad little search for shiro to fuck anon, came back to the cube feeling guilty only to find shiro's side of the bed still empty. he'd assumed then, that shiro must've decided to be with another lover for a while, and when the thought made keith feel one too many sour feelings, abandoned the thought entirely.
c'est la vie in porn prison. the hell is the point of his jealous hypocrisy when they could both just find slices of fulfillment with other people? it's impossible to be anyone's everything, so the disappointment makes little sense. it's just ... that for so long, shiro realy had been keith's everything and regardless of how stupid of an enedavor it might be, keith thought maybe he could be that for shiro too.
coming to terms with the reality of their situation and their kinda-relationnship has been confusing and difficult, but keith had honestly found some sort of twisted in pride in being a big enough person that in the process of learning to deal, their friendship hadn't soured one bit.
but perhaps none of that had been wholly necessary. ]
You .. really want that?
[ ....and fuck. keith hadn't actually meant to ask shiro to repeat himself. heart hammering, keith ignores the way his face warms with embarrassment. the damage is done though, his hopefulness hung bright on his sleeve for shiro to see. ]
I mean -- I'd like that. [ a lot? keith considers tacking that on, but worried about over explaining himself, he instead clears his throat. ] I just seriously thought ... you wanted to be with other people only for ... y'know. Sentences.
[ it still takes time for keith to agree. the first thing he manages to say isn’t even that, though the answer is clear in the earnestness of his voice. shiro breathes out his relief, still a touch anxious from laying everything out to be picked apart and analyzed, but the more time passes, the easier it is to focus on keith’s face and every hint of hopefulness in his expression. shiro quirks a smile, one that pulls harder to one side, and then he gives their joined hands another, little shake, swinging them almost playfully. ]
That was the initial plan.
[ still… is…? somewhat. he doesn’t know. there are certain things on his sentence sheet that he’s uncertain he wants to expose keith to, at least in association with him. multiple penetration, dogging, paddling, leashes, prostitution… – they can probably figure out a way to get around some of those, but just the idea of bringing them up to keith, to then have to discuss how to make it work for them, seems almost more damaging than finding some random inmate for a night.
or anonymous.
how does anonymous factor into all of this? is he saying goodbye to anonymous now that he has keith? guilt plagues him in the way he hesitates on giving himself an answer. is it considered cheating if he occasionally meets with anonymous, even though they both know they can’t maintain exclusivity here? is it cheating if anonymous may very well be –
no. anonymous and keith are not one in the same.
pushing the thought off for now, shiro weakens the sway of their hands and ends with a brushing of his thumb across keith’s, smile softer, more apologetic. ]
I… [ already trailing off; he clears his throat, face ducking slightly. ] Frankly, I don’t know how this is going to work. I’m flying blind here, too. [ he wants it to work, though. they’ll figure it out and navigate the bumps, just as they always do. ] I just want you to know that I care about you and that… maybe, if you’re comfortable with it, we could mark off some sentences together, too.
[ a pause. he furrows his brow, hastily amending. ]
Or not even sentences. That makes it sound like an obligation. Which, with you, it’s not.
[ keith watches the casual swing of their hands with a helpless smile. so neither of them know how dating works when stuck in porn prison. that's... reassuring? the absurdity makes him stutter a laugh, though a beat later keith wrestles that pinch of levity into a more subdued smile,
granted, he still doesn't know what to think of the fact that shiro wants to do sentences together. at first, it'd been him insisting on it out of a greater perceived comfort, but time has paradoxically eorded keith's certainty on that front. the sex keith has had here has largely been coerced in some form, either by perceived necessity or by aphrodisiac. the times it's been purely voluntary, it's been with a guy he doesn't know. though keith doesn't think he would have chosen that for himself either, he's found comfort in not having his identity attached to his body or to his pleasure. it ought to be awkward and more vulnerable, but instead keith has found freedom in being able to explore without judgment.
he bites his lip, nervous and first buys himself time to think with: ]
Well, I guess it makes me feel better to think you don't have a whole contract written out for how you want things to work here.
[ he laughs, giving shiro's hand a swing and a squeeze. perhaps it's thinking about sentences explicitly that's giving keith pause? his sheet is, in a word, nasty and while he can readily imagine that it would be nice to explore each other as it happens, the prospect of negotiating any of the harder kinks still makes keith turn hesitant.
then again, maybe comfort is a luxury neither of them really can afford. they are, after all, meant to fighting a war. this time, keith sighs heavily, breath gently lifting his bangs. ]
I think.... I can trust you with anything on my sentence sheet, [ a breath. ] ...But I still don't know how to feel about half the stuff on it. I know that's selfish because going back to ojr realities is the top priority, but...
[ he trails off, not quite looking shiro in the eye. aside from the necessity of returning to the war, returning to their realities would mean saying goodby e to this shiro, wouldn't it? ignoring the sudden pang in his chest, keith swallows. ]
... I guess what I'm tying to say is that I care about you too, and I don't want that sheet to dictate anything between us.
[ starting with a joke is good. hearing keith’s laugh is reassuring. soothing, too, though it feels more embarrassing to admit that keith’s laugh acts as some sort of catharsis. he smiles to the sound of it, but otherwise keeps his tongue still, anticipating that that isn’t the end of it. so, he lets keith gather his thoughts, as well as his words, and ultimately, they’re set back on the course of a more sober tone.
strangely enough, shiro almost laughs now. shiro started off that way. it’s just sex. uncomfortable and awkward when coerced, but compared to the things they’ve seen or done due to the galra empire’s rule, they should have been able to check through their sentence sheets within, at the very least, a month. even a month, he thought, would be pushing it. afterall, getting back to continue the war was far more important than any of their individual comforts. but he didn’t push the team as he should have and he didn’t help them as he should have. and somewhere along the way, shiro got all tangled up inside his own hang-ups, now with four months under his belt, and a sentence sheet that’s not even half finished.
so maybe he takes it back. maybe he does want to specifically check off sentences with keith. he’ll have to check in with the other three, make sure they’re getting along too, because he refuses to leave until everyone goes before him but… getting close to the finish line with keith would be preferable. right?
he shifts closer, body swaying and foot gently knocking against keith’s. ] We can look over our sheets together, see what could work for us… [ he lets that hang for half a breath and then tacks on: ] – But after.
[ he lifts his metal hand and brushes keith’s bangs to the side, briefly opening up his face to, hopefully, encourage the boy to meet his eyes. ]
[ it works like a charm. keith does look up as shiro brushes the hair from his face, the crease of his brow clearing with a more open smile. there are still some unknowns here that keith isn't sure how to navigate beyond what has been discussed so far. his body being what it is for starters. while he doesn't expect shiro to be horrified exactly, it's still a part of himself that he hasn't shared with shiro yet.
on some level that feels... wrong because a few other inmates have dealt with keith in that capacity, but perhaps not having much choice in the matter had made that easier. so if sharing himself with anon, clear headed and as free of coercion as this place can get was the next step, then sharing himself with shiro because that's the next development in their relationship is probably a huge leap forward, huh? exciting and yet... kinda daunting, too.
the thought gets little traction. an impatient wolf comes trotting over to butt his face into keith's open palm with a whine. keith glances down with a soft laugh, automatically skritching behind his ears.]
Heh. Okay, sorry. I know, we're supposed to be figuring out what to do about the ghost situation so you know when it's okay to nap.
[ but he looks up again at shiro, expression moony as he squeezes his hand. ]
.. but that sounds good. I'd like that. Kinda wish it could always just be about us.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Yeah. Sorry. This is a really bad time to bring this up.
[ he doesn’t come up. he’s still got his eyes closed, part hiding into his hand. ]
I thought you were bringing it up but – I guess not? [ stop shoving the blame onto keith; it isn’t his fault shiro heard what he heard and jumped right into it.
and he doesn’t know why his brain immediately went there. maybe it’s the whole thing with the ghost. that keith is in danger and still thinking he should go at it alone, like shiro wouldn’t be completely devastated if something were to happen to him. same with the punishment of solitary confinement. yes, the tablet burned and maybe there wasn’t any time to send him a message anyway, but the point remains that, sometimes, shiro feels like he’s only kind of privy to what’s going on in keith’s life. and he’d like to change that. to be more involved and more aware, to better take care of him.
not that they need to be boyfriends for that to happen, but it’s a course of action that, oddly, makes sense to shiro, despite their surroundings. they’re fighting inevitability here. shiro likes keith and keith likes shiro; more than that, they desire each other, don’t they? yes, he thinks with certainty. it got muddled along the way due, largely, to shiro, and now, he’d like to correct that, so that they can lean into each other more fully. ]
Just…
[ he draws a breath and releases it on a sigh, one that punctuates the dropping of his hand and the opening of his eyes. he looks down at him then, cupping behind his shoulder. ]
I don’t want to kind of be together or sort of go steady. My feelings for you are a lot more… all in than that.
no subject
keith sighs, trying to expel the combination of defensiveness and self reproach before either can take root. right now, all he has to do is listen to shiro and wait for clarity. he's lucky, he supposes, in that shiro is patient and doesn't just brush this whole thing off with a 'whatever' and get right back to business and talk ghost busting.
still, it makes keith blink and take a half step back to try and get a clearer look at shiro''s face. so then, this is about boyfriends? keith tries not to stare, but he's about three seconds too late for that resolve to mean much of anything. ]
Wow. You uh... really weren't kidding about the bad timing.
[ the words start out fazed, ending on a sheepish laugh. fuck -- what even is his own reaction? his head feels strangely empty and as if to compensate his chest feels full. he wants to enjoy this, but in the back of his mind he keeps thinking about anon and that affection laden note and doesn't know if he ought to be feeling guilty or ashamed or what.
perhaps nothing at all because he doesn't necessarily want anon the way he wants to be around shiro, but it still feels disqualifying to be keeping a tiny part of anon locked away in his cube. glancing down at his feet, keith worries at his lower lip briefly. ]
I... you already know that you mean more to me than I know how to say.
[ but? is there a but? keith looks up, with a worn smile. ]
More than you know.
no subject
guilt dots at his mood, adding to the agitation of him not being able to anticipate where this is going. the movement back, as well as the amount of time it’s taking for keith to look the tiniest bit happy should be answer enough for him: keith isn’t all in. it’s a foreign realization. maybe he’s taken keith for granted. his loyalty is steadfast and his favor intense; it’s not arrogant of shiro to recognize that he’s been a focal point of keith’s for years. he just thought… – since everything has been progressing so well between them in the quiet, intimate moments they manage to find in this place, that they could try for a little more.
but keith’s biting at his lip and looking down, and again, shiro wonders if that’s meant to be his answer. keith started out wanting everything in the beginning, but now he – doesn’t? hesitated too long. shiro exhales slowly through his nose, shoulders drooping bit by bit until his lungs are nearly empty. it’s a reset on his outlook; when he inhales, he pushes away the sore, disappointed feelings, and reminds himself that keith is the most important person to him. his friendship, above all else, is what needs to be kept safe between them. he’s not going to make this harder than it needs to be.
it helps, at least, that keith throws him a bone by reminding him that he means a lot to him. then why not? why not more? because of where they are? because keith’s found more comfort with someone else? stop it, he tells himself again, and musters up a small smile that does very little to brighten his expression. he drops his hands from keith, giving up the hug and the caress at his shoulder, only to resume contact by taking his hand with his left. he holds his fingers gently, thumb skirting across his knuckles. ]
Then why does it sound like there’s a but coming?
no subject
of course there's no "but." as much as keith tries to keep some information withheld from shiro on account of shiro's well being, affection isn't something he needs to ration and be careful with. not with shiro. if anything, it's his feelings about anonymous that needs to be kept under tighter wraps and closer scrutiny. or perhaps cut off entirely?
you mean a lot to me.
why is he so hung up on what might've just been a throwaway line meant to get him to relax and spread his legs? because it came with a fucking dorky smiley? why is he even thinking about this when anon's feelings towards him are completely unrelated to this moment where he should be happy that shiro is telling him that he cares? keith looks up then, throat tight and shakes his head. ]
There isn't one. [ he manages a huffed almost self-deprecating laugh and smiles. ] I guess...I don't know what I'm doing. I'm nervous? I've never been together-together with anyone and I dunno if I'll be any good at it .. you know. Here.
[ not the cell, but porn prison as a whole. keith gestures vaguely around them just to try and make that a bit clearer. ]
... and I guess I just thought you didn't want to. With me.
no subject
likening this to a broken engagement is embarrassing on his part; they aren’t exactly dating, so does this even qualify as being dumped? he’s saved from having to reflect deeper for some sort of label, because thankfully, there’s a denial and a smile, all of it quickly becoming clear.
oh.
hindsight is twenty-twenty and now that he’s on this side of it, shiro finds it quite remarkable that he didn’t jump to this instead. nervous. keith is scared of messing up. just as shiro's feared himself – still fears, honestly.
relief comes and he laughs, a little, on a puffed exhale as keith gestures around. it’s the worst place to have a relationship, shiro isn’t blind to that, but the thought of being nothing to keith, while other people become everything in comfort, in pleasure… well, navigating a relationship here seems like the lesser evil to his peace of mind. ]
I want you.
[ it’s surprisingly easy to say. it’s the aftermath that catches him; he goes awkward in the curve of his smile and then he’s looking down, giving their joined hands a little swing. ]
Have for awhile. [ he knocks his head to the side, still watching their hands. ] I’ve been trying to figure out how to transition into it, you know… smoothly. But I, uh… [ heh; he laughs in exasperated amusement. ] Well. I guess I’m not any good at this, either.
no subject
obviously, judging from shiro's apparent struggling here, that isn't a perspective that's just in keith's head. it'd stung at first -- of course it did. thinking that shiro would rather be pursuing other guys like toji, but whatever sour feeling that'd left in his belly has receded over time. if anything, it'd actually been kinda nice to have a relationship here that wasn't defined by or built on sex.
so with that in mind, is keith really okay with letting that go?
is it selfish to say yes if that means not having to wake up in the middle of the night to find shiro has presumably snuck off to have a tryst? keith gives shiro's hand another squeeze before huffing and abandoning the uncharitable thought. there's enough here to unpack already without adding hypocrisy to the mix. ]
But you're good at everything.
[ teasing delivered with the lightest of fist bumps to shiro's chest, keith smiles. sure. his tone is facetious but the underlying sentiment isn't. shiro's an inspiration in just about every aspect. ]
We can't both be bad at this.
no subject
it still feels as though keith’s heart isn’t in this. like he’s trying to wind them around the topic, without ever saying yes to it. shiro doesn’t know how to feel about that. keith is welcome to say no; it’ll sting, yes, but it’s a far better option than keith committing to something he isn’t happy for. still, it’s difficult to reconcile that. what shiro said is true: he’s not any good at this sort of thing. but he thought… – he’s been certain that keith has been of similar feeling. it’s strange to come to terms with the idea that shiro may be far more attached than keith is. ]
We can figure out how to be better at this together.
[ he hates that he’s coming off as pleading, perhaps not in voice but in the words themselves, like he’s having to convince keith to give this, to give him a chance. it’s only made more embarrassing by the fact that they have an audience. shiro doesn’t glance his way, but he’s certain the space wolf is watching, fascinated, by shiro’s crashing and burning.
he looks up, instead, drawing his gaze from the floor to look keith in the eyes. ]
For the record, I’m nervous, too. You mean a lot to me.
[ some days, when he slips in thought and goes heartsick, he thinks less in terms of a lot and moves right onto everything. there isn’t a whole lot that is stable and secure in shiro’s life. keith’s a rock, though. he keeps shiro focused and confident in who he is and where he’s meant to be going in his every day, whether here or back with voltron. it’s a dependency, one that shiro isn’t necessarily proud of or comfortable having… but all the same, it’s there.
which begs the question: is attaching himself further to keith healthy? is it fair to keith? he squeezes at keith’s hand, not wanting to acknowledge his selfishness in this. ]
And yeah, I get it. This is a terrible place to try this, but… [ he licks his lips, considering; brow furrowing. ] I’m not going to let shitty circumstances dictate how I should feel about you.
[ a beat for a steadying breath. ]
I want you. [ it feels necessary to reiterate that. ] I want you so much sometimes I don’t know what to do with myself. So… [ and he wavers, because was that too much? way too much honesty? ah well, no turning back now. ] I wanna call you my boyfriend, if you want that, too.
no subject
going doe eyed in the moment, keith stares and clutches shiro's hand just a pinch tighter. i want you so much sometimes i don't know what to do with myself is an obvious exaggeration, right? and yet weirdly enough it sheds new light onto that night keith woke up alone, abandoned a sad little search for shiro to fuck anon, came back to the cube feeling guilty only to find shiro's side of the bed still empty. he'd assumed then, that shiro must've decided to be with another lover for a while, and when the thought made keith feel one too many sour feelings, abandoned the thought entirely.
c'est la vie in porn prison. the hell is the point of his jealous hypocrisy when they could both just find slices of fulfillment with other people? it's impossible to be anyone's everything, so the disappointment makes little sense. it's just ... that for so long, shiro realy had been keith's everything and regardless of how stupid of an enedavor it might be, keith thought maybe he could be that for shiro too.
coming to terms with the reality of their situation and their kinda-relationnship has been confusing and difficult, but keith had honestly found some sort of twisted in pride in being a big enough person that in the process of learning to deal, their friendship hadn't soured one bit.
but perhaps none of that had been wholly necessary. ]
You .. really want that?
[ ....and fuck. keith hadn't actually meant to ask shiro to repeat himself. heart hammering, keith ignores the way his face warms with embarrassment. the damage is done though, his hopefulness hung bright on his sleeve for shiro to see. ]
I mean -- I'd like that. [ a lot? keith considers tacking that on, but worried about over explaining himself, he instead clears his throat. ] I just seriously thought ... you wanted to be with other people only for ... y'know. Sentences.
no subject
That was the initial plan.
[ still… is…? somewhat. he doesn’t know. there are certain things on his sentence sheet that he’s uncertain he wants to expose keith to, at least in association with him. multiple penetration, dogging, paddling, leashes, prostitution… – they can probably figure out a way to get around some of those, but just the idea of bringing them up to keith, to then have to discuss how to make it work for them, seems almost more damaging than finding some random inmate for a night.
or anonymous.
how does anonymous factor into all of this? is he saying goodbye to anonymous now that he has keith? guilt plagues him in the way he hesitates on giving himself an answer. is it considered cheating if he occasionally meets with anonymous, even though they both know they can’t maintain exclusivity here? is it cheating if anonymous may very well be –
no. anonymous and keith are not one in the same.
pushing the thought off for now, shiro weakens the sway of their hands and ends with a brushing of his thumb across keith’s, smile softer, more apologetic. ]
I… [ already trailing off; he clears his throat, face ducking slightly. ] Frankly, I don’t know how this is going to work. I’m flying blind here, too. [ he wants it to work, though. they’ll figure it out and navigate the bumps, just as they always do. ] I just want you to know that I care about you and that… maybe, if you’re comfortable with it, we could mark off some sentences together, too.
[ a pause. he furrows his brow, hastily amending. ]
Or not even sentences. That makes it sound like an obligation. Which, with you, it’s not.
no subject
granted, he still doesn't know what to think of the fact that shiro wants to do sentences together. at first, it'd been him insisting on it out of a greater perceived comfort, but time has paradoxically eorded keith's certainty on that front. the sex keith has had here has largely been coerced in some form, either by perceived necessity or by aphrodisiac. the times it's been purely voluntary, it's been with a guy he doesn't know. though keith doesn't think he would have chosen that for himself either, he's found comfort in not having his identity attached to his body or to his pleasure. it ought to be awkward and more vulnerable, but instead keith has found freedom in being able to explore without judgment.
he bites his lip, nervous and first buys himself time to think with: ]
Well, I guess it makes me feel better to think you don't have a whole contract written out for how you want things to work here.
[ he laughs, giving shiro's hand a swing and a squeeze. perhaps it's thinking about sentences explicitly that's giving keith pause? his sheet is, in a word, nasty and while he can readily imagine that it would be nice to explore each other as it happens, the prospect of negotiating any of the harder kinks still makes keith turn hesitant.
then again, maybe comfort is a luxury neither of them really can afford. they are, after all, meant to fighting a war. this time, keith sighs heavily, breath gently lifting his bangs. ]
I think.... I can trust you with anything on my sentence sheet, [ a breath. ] ...But I still don't know how to feel about half the stuff on it. I know that's selfish because going back to ojr realities is the top priority, but...
[ he trails off, not quite looking shiro in the eye. aside from the necessity of returning to the war, returning to their realities would mean saying goodby e to this shiro, wouldn't it? ignoring the sudden pang in his chest, keith swallows. ]
... I guess what I'm tying to say is that I care about you too, and I don't want that sheet to dictate anything between us.
no subject
strangely enough, shiro almost laughs now. shiro started off that way. it’s just sex. uncomfortable and awkward when coerced, but compared to the things they’ve seen or done due to the galra empire’s rule, they should have been able to check through their sentence sheets within, at the very least, a month. even a month, he thought, would be pushing it. afterall, getting back to continue the war was far more important than any of their individual comforts. but he didn’t push the team as he should have and he didn’t help them as he should have. and somewhere along the way, shiro got all tangled up inside his own hang-ups, now with four months under his belt, and a sentence sheet that’s not even half finished.
so maybe he takes it back. maybe he does want to specifically check off sentences with keith. he’ll have to check in with the other three, make sure they’re getting along too, because he refuses to leave until everyone goes before him but… getting close to the finish line with keith would be preferable. right?
he shifts closer, body swaying and foot gently knocking against keith’s. ] We can look over our sheets together, see what could work for us… [ he lets that hang for half a breath and then tacks on: ] – But after.
[ he lifts his metal hand and brushes keith’s bangs to the side, briefly opening up his face to, hopefully, encourage the boy to meet his eyes. ]
I want the first time to be about us.
no subject
on some level that feels... wrong because a few other inmates have dealt with keith in that capacity, but perhaps not having much choice in the matter had made that easier. so if sharing himself with anon, clear headed and as free of coercion as this place can get was the next step, then sharing himself with shiro because that's the next development in their relationship is probably a huge leap forward, huh? exciting and yet... kinda daunting, too.
the thought gets little traction. an impatient wolf comes trotting over to butt his face into keith's open palm with a whine. keith glances down with a soft laugh, automatically skritching behind his ears.]
Heh. Okay, sorry. I know, we're supposed to be figuring out what to do about the ghost situation so you know when it's okay to nap.
[ but he looks up again at shiro, expression moony as he squeezes his hand. ]
.. but that sounds good. I'd like that. Kinda wish it could always just be about us.
[ a whine!! ]
...And you, too, buddy.