[ keith turns his face away and it's in that movement that a certain expectation for approach develops in shiro's head. his hand falls away, he won't force keith's face forward again, won't force him to look at him. he'll endure keith's weighted words and navigate through them with patience and gently provided reassurances. they'll get through this slowly and carefully, as the drugs lose their effectiveness. they'll make time for it. it'll be fine. shiro can do that. shiro can –
– I might've raped you –
it's akin to being slapped. that word. that god awful word. not just that, either, but that word in keith's voice, so guilty, so distressed, so self-loathing…
expectation changes and the plan is rewritten in an instant. the gentleness is gone from his voice, as well as his face. the steadiness of his patience breaks and then words are spilling out, every syllable firm with unquestionable certainty. ]
You did not rape me.
[ he fails in masking his frustration. it isn't wholly directed at keith. per usual, most of it is reserved for himself. he used to be better at this; at controlling his emotions and ensuring others saw only what he deemed acceptable to show. is it the lingering trace of drugs in his system that makes him sloppy? the anxiety fueled adrenaline of their situation? or is it simply because he lacks the restraint when it comes to keith? keith, who is both his strength and his weakness, the balance between the two so precarious that shiro is often fighting within himself, trying to find his own footing.
he shouldn't be surprised. that's what love does to a person.
clenching his jaw tight in the aftermath of spitting out that dirty word, shiro gnashes his teeth until they hurt and then, only then, is he able to bring himself back into check for a conscious calming of his voice. ]
I wanted you. [ not the entire truth, he tells himself. ] I want you still.
[ remember his plan to let keith look away and collect himself, as shiro slowly coaxes him into looking at him again? so much for that. shiro grasps keith by the chin and turns his face toward him, because as much as he wants to say it's for keith, the move is mostly for shiro. shiro needs the connection. he needs to erase those ill thoughts from keith's head and replace them with understanding and truth. as shiro should have done from the beginning. fuck, just… has keith been toiling over this idea of raping him for the entire week…?
remorse thickens his voice again, everything heavy and slow like molasses. not due to hesitation this time, but the weight of his own damnation. ]
You were so good to me, baby. So gentle, so caring… don't you dare think any part of it was… [ unwanted. unreciprocated. rape. ] – that. You'd never do something like that to me. [ his hand moves from his chin to his cheek, keeping keith turned toward him with a curl of his fingers and a caress of his thumb. ] Because you're good. So good to me.
[ here's the waver. just a moment of hesitation. even now, it's difficult for him to be wholly honest with himself, as he distances his own desires from that of responsibility. ultimately, it is responsibility that wins… but it's responsibility to keith, not to voltron and not to his own reality. ]
That's why I love you. I love you so much, baby… I meant it then and I mean it now. That hasn't changed.
YOU DONT SOUND ENTHUSED, which will only anger the brainlink
– I might've raped you –
it's akin to being slapped. that word. that god awful word. not just that, either, but that word in keith's voice, so guilty, so distressed, so self-loathing…
expectation changes and the plan is rewritten in an instant. the gentleness is gone from his voice, as well as his face. the steadiness of his patience breaks and then words are spilling out, every syllable firm with unquestionable certainty. ]
You did not rape me.
[ he fails in masking his frustration. it isn't wholly directed at keith. per usual, most of it is reserved for himself. he used to be better at this; at controlling his emotions and ensuring others saw only what he deemed acceptable to show. is it the lingering trace of drugs in his system that makes him sloppy? the anxiety fueled adrenaline of their situation? or is it simply because he lacks the restraint when it comes to keith? keith, who is both his strength and his weakness, the balance between the two so precarious that shiro is often fighting within himself, trying to find his own footing.
he shouldn't be surprised. that's what love does to a person.
clenching his jaw tight in the aftermath of spitting out that dirty word, shiro gnashes his teeth until they hurt and then, only then, is he able to bring himself back into check for a conscious calming of his voice. ]
I wanted you. [ not the entire truth, he tells himself. ] I want you still.
[ remember his plan to let keith look away and collect himself, as shiro slowly coaxes him into looking at him again? so much for that. shiro grasps keith by the chin and turns his face toward him, because as much as he wants to say it's for keith, the move is mostly for shiro. shiro needs the connection. he needs to erase those ill thoughts from keith's head and replace them with understanding and truth. as shiro should have done from the beginning. fuck, just… has keith been toiling over this idea of raping him for the entire week…?
remorse thickens his voice again, everything heavy and slow like molasses. not due to hesitation this time, but the weight of his own damnation. ]
You were so good to me, baby. So gentle, so caring… don't you dare think any part of it was… [ unwanted. unreciprocated. rape. ] – that. You'd never do something like that to me. [ his hand moves from his chin to his cheek, keeping keith turned toward him with a curl of his fingers and a caress of his thumb. ] Because you're good. So good to me.
[ here's the waver. just a moment of hesitation. even now, it's difficult for him to be wholly honest with himself, as he distances his own desires from that of responsibility. ultimately, it is responsibility that wins… but it's responsibility to keith, not to voltron and not to his own reality. ]
That's why I love you. I love you so much, baby… I meant it then and I mean it now. That hasn't changed.