and that is precisely why they can’t stay here. shiro thinks it, but he doesn’t say it. not again. they keep doing this; rounding back to the same arguments, seemingly arguing for the sake of it because neither of them can be swayed from their positions. once more, shiro wonders if this is how keith has felt every time shiro has talked himself down, too deep in his own self-reprimand that even the kindest words can’t pull him free.
perhaps it’s time for a refresher on that. ]
I'm not safe for you to be around, either.
[ and the most damning part about that? shiro can’t attribute all of it to this place as keith can. remember the simulator? remember half an hour ago? a lot of it has been the fault of this god awful place, that’s true, but shiro’s weapon of choice is very much attached to him. it will always be with him. and when he’s perpetually on a trigger with no certain idea of what will set him off on a panic attack… who’s to say he won’t go blind and deaf to reality again? what if he gets stuck in his head and he attacks keith again? what if, next time, he uses his arm as more than a threat?
and hell, even when he’s trying to help him, he still hurts him.
that is a lot of what ifs. he’s been afraid of what ifs for a long time, so often creating a cage for himself to measure and restrain his own wants and needs in order to maintain some illusion of control. he thought he could live that. he was committed to living like that, but…
keith. keith has been challenging him from the very beginning, coaxing him over and over to reevaluate what he’s deemed acceptable for himself. ]
I changed long before any of this… but you love me in spite of that.
[ again, he swipes his fingers along keith’s face, pushing hair aside and mapping, slowly, the shape of his temple to cheek to jaw. ]
I love you. The only thing about that that has changed is that I am in love with you. And now that I am, it will never change again.
holy crap, it really has been months LOL
and that is precisely why they can’t stay here. shiro thinks it, but he doesn’t say it. not again. they keep doing this; rounding back to the same arguments, seemingly arguing for the sake of it because neither of them can be swayed from their positions. once more, shiro wonders if this is how keith has felt every time shiro has talked himself down, too deep in his own self-reprimand that even the kindest words can’t pull him free.
perhaps it’s time for a refresher on that. ]
I'm not safe for you to be around, either.
[ and the most damning part about that? shiro can’t attribute all of it to this place as keith can. remember the simulator? remember half an hour ago? a lot of it has been the fault of this god awful place, that’s true, but shiro’s weapon of choice is very much attached to him. it will always be with him. and when he’s perpetually on a trigger with no certain idea of what will set him off on a panic attack… who’s to say he won’t go blind and deaf to reality again? what if he gets stuck in his head and he attacks keith again? what if, next time, he uses his arm as more than a threat?
and hell, even when he’s trying to help him, he still hurts him.
that is a lot of what ifs. he’s been afraid of what ifs for a long time, so often creating a cage for himself to measure and restrain his own wants and needs in order to maintain some illusion of control. he thought he could live that. he was committed to living like that, but…
keith. keith has been challenging him from the very beginning, coaxing him over and over to reevaluate what he’s deemed acceptable for himself. ]
I changed long before any of this… but you love me in spite of that.
[ again, he swipes his fingers along keith’s face, pushing hair aside and mapping, slowly, the shape of his temple to cheek to jaw. ]
I love you. The only thing about that that has changed is that I am in love with you. And now that I am, it will never change again.